Political Irony

“A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that’s an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.” – Conan O’Brien

“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.” – Jay Leno

“The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you’re protecting the country.” – Conan O’Brien

“Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath’.” – Jay Leno

“The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.” – Jay Leno

“During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, ‘Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don’t pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won’t hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn’t like Putin’s demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.” – Conan O’Brien

“We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.” – Jay Leno

“U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 Al Qaeda operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?” – Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative – fighting marijuana use through reggae.” – Conan O’Brien

“This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper’s dozen.” – Jay Leno

“Welcome to a very special edition of ‘The Tonight Show.’ The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, that’s why he’s here with me tonight. He’s talking to me personally.” – Jay Leno

“As our studio audience knows, the security today was incredible. In fact, first lady Michelle Obama already had the Secret Service sweep the president’s dressing room for chips, pizza, ice cream – any kind of snack, donut, any kind of sweets.” – Jay Leno

“This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he’s not allowed to have any.” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday to President Obama! He turned 52 over the weekend. You can see he is getting a little grayer. In fact, they are starting to call him ‘The Silver Fox.’ That’s because most of the silver in his hair was caused by Fox.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries. ” – Jay Leno

“Photos of the royal baby’s birth certificate have surfaced. Kate’s occupation on the document is listed as ‘princess’. It’s always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn’t believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet.” – Jimmy Fallon