Political Irony

“All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don’t agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.” – Craig Ferguson

“If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.” – Jay Leno

“Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress.” – Stephen Colbert

“Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama’s plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.” – Jay Leno

“While I was overseas, I couldn’t really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus.” – Stephen Colbert

“All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.” – Jay Leno

“The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.” – David Letterman

“Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.” – David Letterman

“You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can’t even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell’s reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria — which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.” – Stephen Colbert

“All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: ‘Yes and no’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he’s right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it’s not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what, Senator? Go. There’s a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do.” – Jon Stewart

“McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn’t even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. ‘How’d I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what’s for dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we’re going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?” – David Letterman

“While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it’s John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that’s not so bad, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mister peter tweeter, Anthony Weiner, got in a big confrontation with a voter in New York City today. Weiner said to this guy, ‘You have no right to judge me.’ Really? I don’t think Weiner understands how voting works. That’s what they’re doing, they’re judging you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner turned 49 years old today, marking one of the two days of the year that Weiner is the one who is receiving lots of packages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new season of ‘Sesame Street’ will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, ‘What time’s that show on?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They announced the new cast of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we’d be invading Chicago.” – Stephen Colbert

“I guess we’re getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.” – David Letterman

“Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It’s like I never left!” – Jon Stewart (on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer)

“Ah! See? The red line! You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance.” – Jon Stewart

“Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.” – Jay Leno

“Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“There is trouble at Charlie Sheen’s birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.” – David Letterman

“Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, ‘What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'” – Craig Ferguson

“They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas. It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn’t that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.” – Jay Leno

“Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it’s a fraudulent operation. Here’s all I know. It’s the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping.” – David Letterman

“The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff.” – Jay Leno

“You know you are not at a top-rank university if the professor has a tip jar on his desk.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry said it’s ‘undeniable’ that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, ‘Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out’.” – Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees’ same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!” – Jay Leno