Political Irony

“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.” – Jon Stewart

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?” – Jay Leno

“Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.” – David Letterman

“You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t … he’ll give them another week.” – Jay Leno

“The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, ‘I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now?” – Craig Ferguson

“According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You’d be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. Of course, it was awkward when Anthony Weiner said, ‘That’s not a lever’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner.” – Conan O’Brien

“If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she’ll be the city’s first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, ‘Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The newer voting machines weren’t properly programmed – or as Florida put it, ‘Never stopped us’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It got weird when officials checked the results and said, ‘The winner is … Richard Nixon?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC ‘America’s Got Talent’ will be delayed by ‘America’s Got Problems’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘That guy’s on too many shows’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad’s power has been reduced to the point where he’s on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be ‘unbelievably small’. Well, that should put the fear of God into them. ‘If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won’t even know what happened.'” – Jay Leno

“Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong-Un’s secret baby. Apparently nobody had the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong-Un.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong-Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong-Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?” – Jimmy Kimmel

This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Sea Biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is ‘hungry. Not for players, for food’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines. When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, ‘I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50-year old lever’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny’s with me the other night.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans.” – Stephen Colbert

“All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don’t agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.” – Craig Ferguson

“If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.” – Jay Leno

“Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress.” – Stephen Colbert

“Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama’s plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.” – Jay Leno

“While I was overseas, I couldn’t really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus.” – Stephen Colbert

“All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.” – Jay Leno

“The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.” – David Letterman

“Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.” – David Letterman

“You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can’t even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell’s reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria — which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.” – Stephen Colbert

“All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: ‘Yes and no’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he’s right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it’s not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what, Senator? Go. There’s a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do.” – Jon Stewart

“McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn’t even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. ‘How’d I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what’s for dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we’re going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?” – David Letterman

“While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it’s John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that’s not so bad, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mister peter tweeter, Anthony Weiner, got in a big confrontation with a voter in New York City today. Weiner said to this guy, ‘You have no right to judge me.’ Really? I don’t think Weiner understands how voting works. That’s what they’re doing, they’re judging you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner turned 49 years old today, marking one of the two days of the year that Weiner is the one who is receiving lots of packages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new season of ‘Sesame Street’ will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, ‘What time’s that show on?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They announced the new cast of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.” – Jimmy Kimmel