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Bill Maher on Syria

Special extra bonus — Maher invents a brilliant new word:

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Back to the Future

Tony Auth
© Tony Auth

You heard it here first, folks. The Republicans will never kill Obamacare. In fact, if they were even the least bit serious about getting rid of it, they would have proposed and promoted some kind of alternative. But they have not, because they realize that there is no point. The only point they still care about is scoring cheap political points with their rabid anti-Obama base (and getting campaign contributions from the health insurance and pharma industries). Their calls to repeal Obamacare are now nothing more than a hypocritical, cynical sham.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That’s when you know this is serious.” – Jay Leno

“On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria ‘a war’, he is calling it a ‘limited military intervention’ — which sounds better than ‘potential endless quagmire’.” – Jay Leno

“Secretary of State John Kerry said that Arab countries have offered to pay the entire cost of unseating Syria’s president if we take the lead militarily. They will pay for the whole thing. See, this is how global politics works. We invade Syria to get money from Saudi Arabia that they got from us for putting their oil in our Japanese cars so we can pay back China all the money we owe them.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world’s policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world’s doughnuts?” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is in Russia. You know what he’s doing there? I think he’s seeking asylum.” – Jay Leno

“The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can’t stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other.” – Craig Ferguson

“Anthony Weiner did the weather forecast on Fox’s local morning show, ‘Good Day New York’. Which was fine until he started pointing out parts of the country without using his hands.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Late Night Political Humor

“All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don’t agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.” – Craig Ferguson

“If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.” – Jay Leno

“Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress.” – Stephen Colbert

“Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama’s plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody.” – Jay Leno

“While I was overseas, I couldn’t really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus.” – Stephen Colbert

“All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don’t know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.” – Jay Leno

“The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.” – David Letterman

“Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket.” – David Letterman

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How Dare You Deny Us Our War???

Why are all the pundits upset that we might avoid a war in Syria? Isn’t it a good thing that we might be able to work together with Russia to get a brutal dictator to give up his chemical weapons? I think this is great!

What is wrong with us?

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Late Night Political Humor

“You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can’t even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell’s reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria — which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.” – Stephen Colbert

“All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: ‘Yes and no’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he’s right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it’s not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what, Senator? Go. There’s a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do.” – Jon Stewart

“McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn’t even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. ‘How’d I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what’s for dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we’re going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?” – David Letterman

“While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it’s John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that’s not so bad, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mister peter tweeter, Anthony Weiner, got in a big confrontation with a voter in New York City today. Weiner said to this guy, ‘You have no right to judge me.’ Really? I don’t think Weiner understands how voting works. That’s what they’re doing, they’re judging you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner turned 49 years old today, marking one of the two days of the year that Weiner is the one who is receiving lots of packages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new season of ‘Sesame Street’ will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, ‘What time’s that show on?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They announced the new cast of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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The Magic of the Media

I’m sure most everyone has already seen this, but apparently fewer people than the number who watched the original fake video. My only question is, how much stuff that you and I see on the internet is faked, and how much of that is taken seriously by the so-called journalists in the mainstream media?

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Decisions, Decisions

David Horsey
© David Horsey

The one thing we do know for sure is that no matter what Obama does about Syria, the Republicans will attack him for it.

Ironically, because Obama has no really good options, at least from a political viewpoint, this means that he can pick the option that he actually believes is the right thing to do.

It will be interesting to see what he does.

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Personal Responsibility

Republicans claim to be the party of personal responsibility. They don’t need Obamacare, they can take care of themselves, right?

Which is why it is ironic that a poll found that significantly more Republicans are taking advantage of the provision of Obamacare that requires insurance plans to insure children up to the age of 26.

How significant? According to the poll, 63% of young Republicans had taken advantage of the new option to stay on their parent’s plan, while only 45% of young Democrats had done so.

Not asked by the poll was whether those Republicans who are benefiting from Obamacare still want to repeal it. But I would venture to guess that they do. After all, other polls have consistently shown that even people who say they want to repeal Obamacare, when asked about the individual key provisions of the bill, are strongly in favor of them.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we’d be invading Chicago.” – Stephen Colbert

“I guess we’re getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.” – David Letterman

“Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It’s like I never left!” – Jon Stewart (on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer)

“Ah! See? The red line! You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance.” – Jon Stewart

“Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.” – Jay Leno

“Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“There is trouble at Charlie Sheen’s birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.” – David Letterman

“Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, ‘What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'” – Craig Ferguson

“They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas. It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn’t that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.” – Jay Leno

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Is California Showing the Future of Politics?

Just a few years ago, California was a laughingstock. It was nearly bankrupt, its infrastructure was crumbling, and you couldn’t get the two political parties to agree on anything.

Sound familiar? Kinda like our national politics now?

Just two years ago, the idea that California could be a global model for anything was laughable. When Brown took office, the state was staggered by double-digit unemployment, a $26 billion deficit and an accumulated “wall of debt” topping $35 billion. California was a punch line for Republican politicos – a cautionary tale, they said, of the fate that awaits the nation should it embrace Left Coast-style economic, social and environmental liberalism. On the campaign trail in 2012, Mitt Romney joked that “America is going to become like Greece, or like Spain, or Italy, or like . . . California.”

But today you don’t hear much about California, and that’s good! So what happened? In 2011, Governor Moonbeam, AKA Jerry Brown, was reelected and with a huge dose of progressive politics has completely turned the state around.

The California that Brown inherited on his return to office appeared to be an insolvent, ungovernable mess. California’s finances have been out of wack since the late 1970s, when right-wing, anti-tax activists passed Prop 13, a constitutional cap on property taxes that also requires a two-thirds supermajority vote to raise any tax through the state legislature. Moreover, it was a Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who hastened the recent fiscal calamity by slashing California’s vehicle license fee. Promising to cut the “car tax” keyed Schwarzenegger’s victory over the hapless Democrat Gray Davis in the recall election of 2003. But it also blew a $4 billion annual hole in the budget that Schwarzenegger simply papered over with bond debt.

With a stiff cocktail of budget cuts and hard-won new taxes, Brown has not only zeroed out the deficit, he’s also begun paying down the debt.

However, the revival of California was also made possible by the collapse of the Republican Party in the state.

The land that gave us Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, tax revolts and the nation’s harshest three-strikes laws, California was a reliable red state in presidential elections from the late Sixties through the 1980s. But in a script that should sound familiar to anyone who follows national politics, California Republicans undermined their own easy dominance of state politics by moving abruptly to the right, alienating the state’s increasingly urban and Latino population with harsh stands on social issues and get-tough immigration laws.

In short, Golden State Republicans have been locked in the same “demographic death spiral” that South Carolina GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham says haunts the national party: They’re too old, too white and too rural in a state that’s trending young, multicultural and urban. … In the 2012 election, the party all but crashed and burned, as voters elected a Democratic supermajority in the legislature, rendering the GOP moot.

So maybe there is hope for the rest of us?

Yes, Brown raised taxes, despite warnings from right-wing ideologues that higher taxes would send millionaires running for the borders and cripple California’s job creators. Instead, the unemployment rate has tumbled, Silicon Valley is going gangbusters, and the housing market has recovered. “Entrepreneurs are doing so well, in fact, that state coffers got an unexpected bump this spring, thanks to a windfall of $4.5 billion, largely from capital gains.”

At the same time, Brown has launched ambitious new projects, including plans to require California to generate one-third of its power from renewable sources by 2020, and power 15% of its automobiles from electricity by 2025. California has launched its own “Cap and Trade” carbon-pollution trading market and is aggressively fighting climate change.

Brown is increasing funding for education, is funding a high-speed rail line connecting San Francisco to Los Angeles, and is making massive improvements to safeguard California’s water supply.

California is also leading the nation in the implementation of Obamacare. And instead of raising prices, even with Obamacare’s expanded benefits and without subsidies, a 25-year-old can buy health insurance for $141 a month (and 40-year-olds for $219).

Bottom line?

Today, Brown’s unique mix of fiscal restraint and big-government ambition has not only righted California, it could provide a model for Democrats nationally. Most thought-provoking: Brown is proving that a government that lives within its means can simultaneously pursue bold, liberal policies and programs. “Without fiscal responsibility, no other progress is possible,” says Gov. O’Malley of Maryland. “I’m hugely impressed with Jerry Brown.”

[thanks to Rolling Stone]

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The Aftermath of War

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

Why do we keep assuming, against all evidence to the contrary, that we can just waltz into a country, kill some people and leave, and everyone will live happily ever after.

It’s almost like a fairy tale, where every stubborn political problem has a simple military solution. Or maybe it does, if you own a corporation that makes lots of money off of military solutions.

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Scamming Rwanda

It makes me sick to read about televangelist (and former presidential candidate) Pat Robertson scamming hundreds of millions of dollars from followers to supposedly save lives after the crisis in Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire) in 1994. Instead, very little of that money was used for aid, with a large part of it being used to fund a diamond mining operation owned by Robertson.

In fact, Robertson continues to scam donations. At the same time that Robertson was raising money for a school in Congo in 2011, describing it as “thriving”, a film crew visited the school and found it abandoned, stripped of its furniture, and falling down.

The state of Virginia even investigated the aid operation, concluding that Robertson made “fraudulent and deceptive” statements and “misrepresenting” its operations. According to the report “Pat Robertson made material claims, via television appeals, regarding the relief efforts. These statements are refuted by the evidence in this case.”

And yet state officials declined to prosecute Robertson. Could this have had anything to do with several large donations made at the time to Virginia state politicians by Robertson?

Robertson has been involved in other controversial mining operations in Africa. During the civil war in Liberia, he supported the then-president Charles Taylor, even though Taylor was already indicted by a UN war crimes tribunal and was later convicted of crimes against humanity. What Robertson didn’t mention at the time was that he had an $8 million investment in a Liberian gold mine.

And remember that since religious groups avoid paying most taxes in the US, your tax dollars are subsidizing these evil scams.

If Robertson believes in a hell, I sincerely hope he burns in it.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it’s a fraudulent operation. Here’s all I know. It’s the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping.” – David Letterman

“The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff.” – Jay Leno

“You know you are not at a top-rank university if the professor has a tip jar on his desk.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry said it’s ‘undeniable’ that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, ‘Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out’.” – Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees’ same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!” – Jay Leno

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Bad Idea?

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

I’m not sure what to think about Syria. But I pretty much have the same questions about Syria as I did about Iraq.

What is the goal of our attacking Syria? Is it to depose Assad, like we did with Saddam Hussein? If so, what happens after we do that? Do we actually have a game plan for the Middle East, and how will attacking Syria affect that?

Or is there some other reason? Is it to punish Syria for using chemical weapons? Is it so we can appear strong? Is it so Obama can be a war president and force the Party of No to shut up for a minute?

Just tell me. WTF are we trying to accomplish and how will we accomplish it?

Aren’t these reasonable questions?

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