Political Irony

“The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it’s not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me.” – Jay Leno

“I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn’t a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama’s birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.” – David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner was involved in a three-way car accident over the weekend. One embarrassing moment when someone took out their cell phone camera to take photos of the damage and out of force of habit, he unzipped his fly.” – Jay Leno

“You see Miley Sunday night on the VMA thing, the MTV show? The White House is considering military intervention.” – David Letterman

“The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn’t act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do.” – Jay Leno

[You know, I usually try to pass on the late night humor without comment. But that last one from Jay Leno is just about least funny joke I’ve ever seen, which is saying a lot coming from him. Not only is it not particularly funny, but it isn’t even remotely true. Most people have a home mortgage, or borrow money to buy a car or go to college, and businesses borrow money to expand. It is so wrong it is almost an anti-joke. –iron]

Religious people often like to claim that without religion, people would abandon their morals and the world would descend into chaos. Or something like that. Of course, they don’t have to offer any proof of that because, well, they are religious, so they just take it on faith.

But now we are finally hearing from the opposition. A new series of studies indicates that just thinking about science triggers more moral behavior.

That’s right, just playing a word game that included scientific words, like “logical”, “hypothesis”, “laboratory” and “theory” made people act in a significantly more moral way after playing the game.

I love this. Science uses science to prove a connection between science and morality. With the unstated logical conclusion that people who think less about science are less moral.

Unfortunately, I guess people who are religious can dismiss these studies, since assuming they don’t believe in science.

Back to square one.

“So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker.” – David Letterman

“Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.” – David Letterman

“So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I’ll tell you something else right now, we wouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president.” – David Letterman

“Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, ‘Boobs, where?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Filner of San Diego has had 14 women come forward alleging that he sexually harassed them. In San Diego, Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Filner because they say he’s disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said there’s a time and a place to be disrespect to women and that’s at a Hooters.” –Conan O’Brien

“The mayor of San Diego has been accused of sexually harassing 14 women. Now a Hooters in San Diego has put up a sign saying they won’t serve Mayor Bob Filner because he disrespects women. A spokesperson for Hooters said we don’t want him as a customer, but would love him as a manager.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say they won’t vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say they’re going to wait until they see all the other candidates’ penises. It’s called comparison shopping.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.” – Conan O’Brien

“In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It is widely believed these phones were secretly built in China and shipped to North Korea. It’s hard to believe they built a smartphone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can’t even have friends and family in North Korea” – Jimmy Kimmel.

“The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts ‘drones’. They don’t like the name drones. The manufacturers said, we prefer the term ‘surprise visitor’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn’t rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader’s name is Smokey.” – Jimmy Kimmel