Political Irony

“You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can’t even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell’s reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria — which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.” – Stephen Colbert

“All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: ‘Yes and no’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he’s right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it’s not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what, Senator? Go. There’s a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do.” – Jon Stewart

“McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn’t even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. ‘How’d I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what’s for dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we’re going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?” – David Letterman

“While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it’s John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that’s not so bad, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mister peter tweeter, Anthony Weiner, got in a big confrontation with a voter in New York City today. Weiner said to this guy, ‘You have no right to judge me.’ Really? I don’t think Weiner understands how voting works. That’s what they’re doing, they’re judging you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner turned 49 years old today, marking one of the two days of the year that Weiner is the one who is receiving lots of packages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that using Facebook has actually changed how our brains work. Yeah, it’s true. Before Facebook, when you said you liked something, you actually did.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new season of ‘Sesame Street’ will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, ‘What time’s that show on?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They announced the new cast of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ this morning. As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we’d be invading Chicago.” – Stephen Colbert

“I guess we’re getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.” – David Letterman

“Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It’s like I never left!” – Jon Stewart (on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer)

“Ah! See? The red line! You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance.” – Jon Stewart

“Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.” – Jay Leno

“Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“There is trouble at Charlie Sheen’s birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.” – David Letterman

“Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, ‘What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'” – Craig Ferguson

“They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas. It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn’t that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.” – Jay Leno

“Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it’s a fraudulent operation. Here’s all I know. It’s the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping.” – David Letterman

“The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff.” – Jay Leno

“You know you are not at a top-rank university if the professor has a tip jar on his desk.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry said it’s ‘undeniable’ that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, ‘Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out’.” – Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees’ same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!” – Jay Leno

“U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It’s going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.” – Jay Leno

“They’re saying now that the war against Syria will last no more than two days. It’s going to be a two-day war. You know what that means? We’ll be there for another 10 years.” – David Letterman

“The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. And of course a lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t you think we were already out of money?” – Jay Leno

“The treasury secretary said we will be out of money by October. Here’s my question. What happened to all that money we gave them last April 15, huh?” – Jay Leno

“Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.” – Jay Leno

“The attorney general of New York is saying that the Trump University is a fake. They say that it’s fraudulent. If you’re thinking of going to Trump University, it’s easy to get into. All you have to have is a birth certificate and you get right in.” – David Letterman

“A Senate Intelligence Committee reports that NSA employees used their surveillance equipment to check up on friends, family and lovers. They were using the surveillance equipment for their own personal use. The name of the surveillance system they used: Facebook.” – Jay Leno