Political Irony

“Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.” – Craig Ferguson

“Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’ and said that, quote, ‘God created us equal’. Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’. Then he said, ‘Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn’t like. We don’t think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you haven’t seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it’s for his own good.” –Craig Ferguson

“Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, ‘not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him’. Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.” – Jay Leno

“Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He’s driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There’s your miracle, you know what I’m saying?” – David Letterman

“How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it’s the Pope!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He’s going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called ‘Lame Duck Dynasty’.” – Jay Leno

“A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.” – Conan O’Brien

“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.” – Jon Stewart

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?” – Jay Leno

“Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.” – David Letterman

“You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t … he’ll give them another week.” – Jay Leno

“The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, ‘I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now?” – Craig Ferguson

“According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You’d be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. Of course, it was awkward when Anthony Weiner said, ‘That’s not a lever’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner.” – Conan O’Brien

“If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she’ll be the city’s first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, ‘Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The newer voting machines weren’t properly programmed – or as Florida put it, ‘Never stopped us’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It got weird when officials checked the results and said, ‘The winner is … Richard Nixon?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC ‘America’s Got Talent’ will be delayed by ‘America’s Got Problems’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘That guy’s on too many shows’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad’s power has been reduced to the point where he’s on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be ‘unbelievably small’. Well, that should put the fear of God into them. ‘If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won’t even know what happened.'” – Jay Leno

“Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong-Un’s secret baby. Apparently nobody had the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong-Un.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong-Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong-Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?” – Jimmy Kimmel

This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Sea Biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is ‘hungry. Not for players, for food’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines. When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, ‘I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50-year old lever’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny’s with me the other night.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans.” – Stephen Colbert