Political Irony

“President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, ‘Not because of a budget impasse but because we’ll all be watching the last episode of ‘Breaking Bad’.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, ‘It’s our job to rob you guys’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Starbucks announced they don’t want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous than what we serve.” – Conan O’Brien

“You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country’s peculiar relationship with guns, it’s that the phrase ‘minor shooting incident’ exists.” – Jon Stewart (on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents)

“North Korea says it’s ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it’s going to be pretty awkward – not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.” – Jay Leno

“Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA’s spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn’t help when Brazil called to say they weren’t coming and the White House was like, ‘Yeah, we heard’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they’re against it. Now there’s a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.” – Bill Maher

“It should be in the dictionary: ‘Black-track’, the act of changing one’s mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: ‘Pulling a one-hatey’, or the ‘Kenyan boomerang’.” – Bill Maher

“This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World.” – Bill Maher

“McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up.” – Bill Maher

“I am with the majority who don’t want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don’t want to start new shit in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: ‘Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They’ve even got some stored here in the U.S. It’s called Monsanto.” – Bill Maher

“The way it’s going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store.” – Bill Maher

“The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. ” – Bill Maher

“Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they’re a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they’re actually doing is fucking nothing.” – Bill Maher

“Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he’d lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, ‘What do you think I’m doing behind this podium right now?'” – Bill Maher

“Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.” – Craig Ferguson

“Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’ and said that, quote, ‘God created us equal’. Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’. Then he said, ‘Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn’t like. We don’t think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you haven’t seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it’s for his own good.” –Craig Ferguson

“Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, ‘not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him’. Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.” – Jay Leno

“Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He’s driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There’s your miracle, you know what I’m saying?” – David Letterman

“How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it’s the Pope!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He’s going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called ‘Lame Duck Dynasty’.” – Jay Leno

“A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.” – Conan O’Brien