Political Irony

“Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare – where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.” – Jay Leno

“They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, ‘Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.” – Jay Leno

“The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.” ” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join Al Qaeda. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.” – Jay Leno

“In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, ‘This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You don’t get to complain!! McCain, you don’t get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don’t come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his VP candidate in 2008]. You opened Pandora’s Box! You were the guy who gave the Mogwai [from the movie Gremlins] a post-midnight all-you-can-eat buffet! You don’t get to complain that now the party’s overrun with gremlins!” – Jon Stewart (on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues “wacko birds”)

“The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a ‘k’ like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn’t, so we don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it’s hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he’s bringing in “the best and the brightest” to solve the problem. Why didn’t he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.” – Jay Leno

“Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: ‘Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president said, ‘There’s no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.’ See, that’s a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor – not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- –- or as Chinese parents call it, an F.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Republican shutdown tactics and politics were so offensive, to even Independents and moderates, that this country looks like it is poised to turn bluer than a Smurf’s balls after dry humping a bottle of Windex.” – Jon Stewart

“Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.” – Conan O’Brien

“As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, ‘How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can’t ride a slide. In North Korea, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can run the country.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After the shutdown debacle, the tea party’s approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it’s the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.” – Conan O’Brien

“People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in ’95. That’s 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.” – Conan O’Brien

“The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven’t had a single visitor. To be fair, it’s like that all the time.” – Craig Ferguson

“As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s the first day with the government back. The shutdown’s over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.” – Craig Ferguson

“This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who’d been out of work during the shutdown. Haven’t those people suffered enough?” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One’s a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton’s going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.” – Craig Ferguson

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn’t exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn’t exist.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, Anthony Weiner said if this was 1995 and the Internet didn’t exist, he would have won the race for mayor of New York. Yeah, if that was 1995, you’d have your penis stuck in a fax machine.” – Craig Ferguson

“Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.” – Conan O’Brien

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don’t know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” – David Letterman

© David Horsey

If we could convince all the Tea Party zealots into moving to the new Texas Republic, that would be even better!