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Happy Hallowe’en

Is it a coincidence that Hallowe’en is the holiday closest to election day?

Or that Congresspeople are increasingly acting like zombies?

Or that Hallowe’en has become “one of the most beloved and anticipated consumer holidays“.

In 2012 the election caused a spike in costumes related to current events, but 2013 is seeing a return to more traditional costumes. The most popular adult costumes this year (in order) are Witch, Batman, Vampire, Zombie, and Pirate.

And for those of you who are sweet on Hallowe’en, there is even a list of the best cities for collecting trick-or-treat candy.

I’ll be a zombie this year. I hope to see some of you at my party tonight!

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Obamacare Lies and the Media

In the beginning there were “death panels“, followed by a long string of other “Pants on Fire” lies.

So it is no surprise at all that there are still new lies going around the media about Obamacare.

For example, the media is reporting that Obama lied (and knew he was lying) when he said that most people would be able to keep their old health insurance plans if they wanted to. People are upset that their health insurance company is canceling their old insurance plans, but that has been going on for years. Heck, my health insurance policy was canceled last year, and my company switched to a new plan, and now I just found out that the new one is being canceled this year. It has little to do with Obamacare, other than the fact that there are now standards for health insurance.

In fact, CBS News just did a story about a Florida woman who says that her insurance is being canceled, and that the new policy will cost ten times more. Except that CBS ran this story without doing any checking. If they had, they would have learned that her old policy — for which the woman was paying $54 a month — doesn’t really qualify as health insurance as we know it.

The only hospitalization costs it covers are for complications from pregnancy. Like, if she got hit by a car or got very sick, it wouldn’t cover anything. Nor does it cover most outpatient care. What does it cover? Almost nothing. In other words, it is more of a sham than a real insurance policy. And the policy that costs $591 — ten times as much as her current policy? Well, that’s just one of the (real) health plans offered to her, but there are many others, some costing as little $209 per month, while actually, you know, covering her health care costs.

But here’s the ironic part. The story about Obama lying about Obamacare was refuted by conservative website Newsbusters. And the CBS News story? Refuted by Greta Van Susteren on Fox News.

Will wonders never cease?

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Late Night Political Humor

“People have been speculating lately about what President Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule out – website designer.” – Jay Leno

“There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn’t work.” – Conan O’Brien

“Some marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they are making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.” – Jay Leno

“One of the contractors who built the Obamacare website testified before Congress today. You can tell he built the site because any time they would ask a question, he would freeze.” – Conan O’Brien

“What the president should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.” – Jay Leno

“German Chancellor Angela Merkel said the U.S. would have to regain her trust after the NSA eavesdropped on her cellphone. You know things are bad when we’re being accused of having boundary issues by Germany.” – Conan O’Brien

“Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn’t cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Pakistan’s Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was in the Oval Office to meet with Obama and Joe Biden. Obama said, ‘It’s an honor to have you here,’ while Biden said, ‘Hello, I’m not supposed to talk’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown’s effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game – ‘Bobbing for Ramen Noodles’.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Late Night Political Humor

“The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. While the guys from the Geek Squad said, ‘Turn it off, wait five seconds, and then plug it back in.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Despite all of the website problems, the approval rating for Obamacare has gone up. Unfortunately, I can’t give you the exact number because it’s listed on the Obamacare website.” – Conan O’Brien

“Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT.” – Jimmy Fallon

“With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it’s going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, ‘Can you share some of the drugs you’re on with the rest of us?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has now asked Verizon to help fix the Obamacare website. Verizon wasn’t the president’s first choice. He initially reached out to T-Mobile, but they dropped the call.” – Jay Leno

“Consumer Reports is now recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? When was the last time the government fixed anything in a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Here’s some more news out of Washington. The White House has fired one of its national security officials for setting up an anonymous Twitter account that was leaking internal information. President Obama called the invasion of privacy ‘unacceptable,’ while Americans called it ‘karma’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new book claims that John F. Kennedy’s brain was stolen by his brother Bobby. That seems almost unbelievable, doesn’t it? – that there was once a time in this country when politicians actually had brains worth stealing.” –Jay Leno

“Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. The Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of ‘Flip This Church’.” – Conan O’Brien

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Haunted House of Representatives

[this is republished from John Breneman’s blog. Thanks John!]

It is fiendish, blood-curdling and utterly macabre.

It’s ghoulish, creepy and deeply disturbing.

The most horrifying haunted house America has ever seen is located smack dab in the middle of Washington, D.C.

It is (insert spine-chilling sound effects here) the Haunted House of Representatives.

The place is festering with brain-eating mutants so horrifying that it only takes a couple dozen of them to nearly destroy the U.S. economy.

They’ve already finished devouring each other’s brains, and they hunger to sink their hideous, rotting teeth into yours.

They especially love gnawing on the part of the brain where most people believe in science — climate change, evolution, stuff like that.

Then they move on to the part that believes in economic policy that benefits regular folks instead of the wealthiest among us, followed by the succulent gray matter that supports equality for gays and minorities.

And they absolutely delight in gobbling up chunks of brain that believe in helping those less fortunate.

Cleverly disguised in suits and ties to create the illusion that they are serving the public as congressmen — a role that has traditionally involved working collectively to craft legislation that helps America — they instead stagger around, arms outstretched as if entranced, muttering “Must kill Obamacare.”

And, oh how they howl and shriek about smothering your federal government — strangling and dismembering it, cutting out its heart with a rusty chainsaw.

Their anti-American skullduggery takes many forms. But it all comes down to one subversive, some say treasonous, obsession — and they have to keep it simple because there’s considerable evidence to suggest most of them are not too bright.

Their mission: Make sure nothing good happens in America because their sworn enemy — that illegitimate, foreign-born, socialist, Muslim president, Barack Hussein Obama — might receive part of the credit.

Quick background: The Republican goal of punishing Obama, even if it means sticking it to millions of Americans, was publicly announced shortly after his election in 2008. But it dramatically intensified in 2010 when a fresh crop of far-right, scorched-earth trolls were elected to haunt the House.

After rejecting the leadership of 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Zombie and their own House Speaker John “Bones” Boehner, they aligned behind Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and have since been collaborating on a diabolical B-movie horror story perhaps best titled “Night of the Living Ted.”

Yes, the nation’s haunted House (OK, the Senate too) is crackling with paranormal activity.

Example: In one of their high-profile schemes to scare the bejeezus out of us, they conspired to shut down the federal government and plunge the nation’s credit into default — all, as it turns out, for absolutely no reason.

The mind-bending part is that then they all went on TV to pretend the shutdown was caused by President Obama.

They choreographed appearances at national parks, where they reacted in mock horror that the parks were closed. You see, most of the human-like entities that haunt our House are very good at make-believe.

And while they rattle and clank their chains about being fiscally responsible, their little shutdown prank dope-slapped the U.S. economy to the tune of billions and billions of dollars.

To use a Halloween metaphor, a wacky little pack of GOP hobgoblins rang the bell at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, then when Obama wouldn’t give them their treat (i.e. junking the Affordable Care Act) they responded by toilet-papering the White House and basically egging every person in America.

(Widespread reports suggest this is not the first time they have placed a bag full of crap on the White House stoop and lit it on fire.)

Maybe our longstanding custom of holding Election Day right after Halloween has come back to bite us in the brain — leaving us dumbfounded as our haunted House treats us day after day to a nightmarish carnival of the absurd.

So happy Halloween, everybody. I’m going as a loud-mouth pawn in a dysfunctional democracy where we let a minority of destructive morons run the show.

– John Breneman

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How the GOP shows it cares

Stuart Carlson
© Stuart Carlson

This is one I’ve been wondering about. Why are Republicans suddenly so concerned about problems with the healthcare.gov website? A few weeks ago they were willing to shutdown the government in order to delay Obamacare. If Obamacare is having problems that are delaying the rollout, shouldn’t they be happy?

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More than Three Strikes

I’ll believe that corporations are people when “three strikes” laws are enforced against them.

Because Diebold, the world’s largest maker of banking ATMs and for years one of the largest manufacturers of electronic voting systems, would have enough strikes against them to be locked up for life.

The latest charges against them are for bribery and falsifying documents, which a federal attorney says are due to “a worldwide pattern of criminal conduct“. Over six years, Diebold paid at least $1.75 million in bribes and falsified records to disguise the bribes (reporting them as “training” or funneling them through third-party companies). But instead of taking them to trial, the government has agreed to defer criminal prosecution and even drop the charges if Diebold pays a fine of less than $50 million and implements internal controls on its behavior.

A fine of nearly $50 million may sound like a lot of money to you or me, but last year their revenues were $3 billion. To put that in perspective, for a real person with an income of $120,000 that would be equivalent to a fine of under $2000. Not that bad for a “get out of jail free card”.

So what are some of the other strikes against Diebold?

In 2010, the company was allowed to settle fraud charges by paying a fine of $25 million to the SEC for inflating earnings reports in order to manipulate their stock price. Improper accounting practices were used to overstate Diebold’s reported earnings by at least $127 million, according to the SEC.

And in 2008, Diebold admitted that it had overstated revenues of its election systems division by more than 300%. They were caught because of blatant insider trading by a number of company executives who all sold off large numbers of shares of company stock on the exact same day, less than a week before their stock plunged more than 50% as several states announced that they had decertified Diebold electronic voting systems because they were easily hacked and had crippling bugs that caused them to report incorrect election results.

And in 2004, Diebold illegally used uncertified election hardware and software in an election and planned to lie about it to government investigators. This time, they were caught because of a whistleblower. In that case, it was the whistleblower who ended up being punished for sending confidential Diebold legal memos (which showed that Diebold violated election laws) to state elections officials and to the media.

That’s at least four strikes, and there are more. But in every case, nobody at Diebold ever went to jail, and any fines amounted to a slap on the wrist. If you or I ran into such repeated trouble with the law, we should be so lucky.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare – where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.” – Jay Leno

“They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, ‘Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.” – Jay Leno

“The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.” ” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join Al Qaeda. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.” – Jay Leno

“In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, ‘This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You don’t get to complain!! McCain, you don’t get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don’t come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his VP candidate in 2008]. You opened Pandora’s Box! You were the guy who gave the Mogwai [from the movie Gremlins] a post-midnight all-you-can-eat buffet! You don’t get to complain that now the party’s overrun with gremlins!” – Jon Stewart (on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues “wacko birds”)

“The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a ‘k’ like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn’t, so we don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it’s hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets” – Conan O’Brien

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The Answer to Gridlock

Who knew that there is actually something that you can do to help fix political gridlock!

Three years ago, California was teased as a “failed state”. The state was nearly bankrupt, infrastructure was crumbling, and the government was completely gridlocked. But as I reported a month ago, nobody is teasing California any more. Their economy is going gangbusters, there is no more gridlock, and they solved their budget issues.

How did this amazing turnaround happen? Yes, the Republican party collapsed, which gave progressive Democrats a supermajority in the legislature, and thus the power to fix problems. And much of the credit has to go to Jerry Brown, who is now the longest serving governor in California history, and one of the most effective.

But ironically, the Democrats owe their victories to a Republican, former Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger. At the end of his term he put all of his energy into passing two seemingly simple reforms. In 2008, he supported a state proposition that eliminated gerrymandering by giving the power to draw electoral boundaries to a citizens’ commission. And in 2010 he wrote a state proposition which created open primaries, so that citizens can vote in any primary, regardless of party affiliation.

These two propositions were opposed by the Democrats, including Senator Barbara Boxer and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and were largely supported by Republicans, including gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman and New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg.

The changes make it far more difficult for candidates from either ideological extreme to get elected by pandering to their radical base. As a result, politics become more moderate. And politicians were able to compromise and work with the other party in order to get things done, without fear of reprisal from the more radical fringes in their party.

How much more gets done? During the 17 days of the federal shutdown, Brown signed 363 bills into law. As a comparison, only 90 bills have made it through Congress for Obama to sign in all of 2013. California has even tackled immigration reform, something that both parties agree we need at the federal level, but which has been blocked repeatedly by a fringe minority.

This is something we can do. By passing two common-sense laws at the state level, we can actually eliminate our paralyzing gridlock at the federal level:

  • Take away the politicians’ ability to draw their own electoral districts, which gives a huge advantage to incumbents.
  • Make all primary elections open to any voter, regardless of party affiliation.

California has shown that these two simple changes can deliver amazing benefits. Let your representatives (especially at the state level) know that you support these changes.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he’s bringing in “the best and the brightest” to solve the problem. Why didn’t he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.” – Jay Leno

“Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: ‘Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president said, ‘There’s no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.’ See, that’s a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor – not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- –- or as Chinese parents call it, an F.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Republican shutdown tactics and politics were so offensive, to even Independents and moderates, that this country looks like it is poised to turn bluer than a Smurf’s balls after dry humping a bottle of Windex.” – Jon Stewart

“Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.” – Conan O’Brien

“As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, ‘How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can’t ride a slide. In North Korea, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can run the country.” – Jimmy Fallon

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The Two Sides of the ACA Rollout

In two separate comics, Adam Zyglis captures the irony of the rollout of the healthcare.gov website.

Adam Zyglis
© Adam Zyglis

On one hand, the creation of a website as complicated as this will always have problems. It is silly to claim that this is some kind of inherent defect in Obamacare. I work with the web for a living, and you never get things even remotely right the first time (or the second time). Heck, Google Mail was in beta for five years, and email is far less complicated and is something we understand pretty well. But if Republicans were really concerned that Obamacare is too complicated, then a good solution would have been to just extend the existing Medicare system to everyone.

Adam Zyglis
© Adam Zyglis

On the other hand, I know some of the people who worked on the Obama’s 2008 presidential election software, and it was extremely well executed. Sure there were bugs, but overall the system worked. Some states, like New York and Washington, did manage to produce websites that worked, so we know that it is possible. What happened to the other ones? We could have done better.

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Late Night Political Humor

“After the shutdown debacle, the tea party’s approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it’s the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.” – Conan O’Brien

“People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in ’95. That’s 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.” – Conan O’Brien

“The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven’t had a single visitor. To be fair, it’s like that all the time.” – Craig Ferguson

“As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s the first day with the government back. The shutdown’s over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.” – Craig Ferguson

“This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who’d been out of work during the shutdown. Haven’t those people suffered enough?” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One’s a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton’s going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.” – Craig Ferguson

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn’t exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn’t exist.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, Anthony Weiner said if this was 1995 and the Internet didn’t exist, he would have won the race for mayor of New York. Yeah, if that was 1995, you’d have your penis stuck in a fax machine.” – Craig Ferguson

“Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.” – Conan O’Brien

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don’t know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” – David Letterman

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Ultimate Racism

The Daily Show is freaking brilliant. You absolutely have to watch this.

UPDATE: Don Yelton, the GOP precinct chairman interviewed in this video who said that the new GOP-backed Voter ID law will hurt “lazy blacks”, and will be bad for Democrats, has resigned. And it sounds like his resignation was forced on him.

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Compassionate Conservatives

You know who else closed parks…

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

Godwin’s Law states that “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.”

But this is an especially interesting and hypocritical example, since Conservatives were attacking Obama for closing parks — especially when war veterans were unable to go to war memorials in DC — even though the reason the memorials were closed was because those same conservatives forced a government shutdown.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he’s going to concentrate on immigration. He says he’ll start by deporting Ted Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien

“After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By ‘everyone’ of course I mean China.” – Craig Ferguson

“Some of these guys in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. If you pick up a gun and don’t shoot yourself in the leg with it, that’s not really an achievement.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he’s seen as a senator. That’s from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.” – Conan O’Brien

“I’m glad the shutdown is over. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that now is not the time to point fingers. Well, let me know when it is. I’ve got one for him and the rest of Congress. Tell me the right time and I’ll send it right to you, you incompetent buffoons!” – Craig Ferguson

“The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we’ll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can’t we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government, and feel the wind in our national hair?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“MSNBC said the end of the shutdown would be a win for Democrats. Fox News said it would be a win for Republicans. CNN said – I don’t know. Nobody watches that, do they?” – Craig Ferguson

“In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day.” – Conan O’Brien

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