Political Irony

“The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can’t take yours until I’m done. I know you’re upset, but we’re both at fault here, so let’s negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win.” – Stephen Colbert (explaining the GOP shutdown strategy)

“Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either.” – Stephen Colbert (on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise)

“House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn’t been invented?” – Jay Leno

“The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn’t coming and raised twice as much money.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.” – Jay Leno

“A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, ‘Are you SURE I wasn’t born in Kenya?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do – like running the government.” – Jay Leno

“Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A man in Montana’s dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog’s droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn’t that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?” – Jay Leno

“Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, ‘Discrimination is just wrong’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress this week failed to agree on a budget deal, which led to a government shutdown, the first since 1995. So basically, the government shuts down every time Arsenio (Hall) gets a TV show.” – Seth Meyers

“Because of the government shutdown, the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage. Giving new meaning to the phrase ‘you’ve got a bogie on your tail’.” – Seth Meyers

“Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It’s exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You’re like ‘Seinfeld’ if there were 30 Kramers.” – Seth Meyers

“Winner: the Tea Party. It’s always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You’re like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power.” – Cecily Strong

“Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that’s a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it’s 59 percent, that’s like the real news saying it’s 3,000 percent.” – Seth Meyers

“Loser, the Obamacare website, which had technical issues all week because of too much web traffic. You can’t campaign on the fact that millions don’t have health care and then be surprised that millions don’t have health care. How could you not be ready? That’s like 1-800-Flowers getting caught off guard by Valentine’s Day.” – Cecily Strong

“Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.” – Seth Meyers

“This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government.” – Bill Maher

“Happy TGIF – which stands for ‘The Government’s in Foreclosure.'” – Jay Leno

“Shutdown, I’ve got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it’s just a ‘government slim down.’ And they’re also calling school shootings ‘class size reductions’.” – Bill Maher

“At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage.” – David Letterman

“A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner.” – Bill Maher

“This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican Party is like the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernies’ and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.” – Bill Maher

“The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, ‘We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don’t even know that is.’ Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs.” – Bill Maher

“This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, ‘Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there’s anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it’s the guy who lost to Barack Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, it’s the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?” – Jay Leno

“I feel bad for Obama. He’s trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he’s starting to think that white people are just lazy.” – Bill Maher

“Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn’t work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare.” – Bill Maher

“One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, ‘Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'” – Bill Maher

“Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you’re Frank Sinatra’s son.” – David Letterman

“A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, ‘Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.” – Craig Ferguson