Political Irony

“As you may know, Thanksgiving began in 1621 when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians and promised them, ‘If you like your land, you can keep your land’.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on.” – Jay Leno

“The ObamaCare website won’t be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won’t be accessible during the day due to ‘it sucking’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: ‘The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions’.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama met the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. Obama was excited to tell the hockey players that ObamaCare includes dental.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s approval rating is now down to 39 percent. To which Congress said, how do you keep is so high?'” – Jay Leno

“Now that Americans have gotten a good long look at what’s going on with the mayor of Toronto, at least our fat fuck isn’t on crack. Have you seen this guy in Toronto on the news? You gotta love a guy whose excuse is, ‘Yeah, I don’t really remember smoking crack because I was in a drunken stupor. How dare you say I’m a crackhead, I’m a blackout drunk.'” – Bill Maher

“What a week for Chris Christie. First they bring back the McRib, then he wins a blue state by a landslide. First time he’s ever won a landslide. He’s caused a few.” – Bill Maher

“Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, ‘The Elephant in the Room’. And People magazine named him ‘Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit’.” – Bill Maher

“Is this where we are with journalism now? You just call a guy an elephant? It was not only taken as an insult by the governor, but also by the guy who walks behind him and shovels the shit.” – Bill Maher

“Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he’s an indoor Republican. And the two batshit Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I’m not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it’s a Republicans’ job to get government out of our lives.” – Bill Maher

“Outlaw sodomy? Does this guy realize that for most people under 30, sodomy is the main form of birth control. What a platform. He wanted to outlaw blow jobs, and he lost single women in the state by 43 points. But listen to this, he won married women by 9. That’s all I need to know about marriage.” – Bill Maher

“In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama.” – Bill Maher

“Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.” – Jay Leno

“Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford’s approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he’s smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal?” – David Letterman

“As I’m sure you’re heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: ‘Just say yes’.” – Jay Leno

“In Colorado, voters have approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. In other words, kids don’t do drugs but stay in the schools funded by them.” – Conan O’Brien

“I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website – the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They’re friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they’re used to dealing with big turkeys.” – Jay Leno

“People are criticizing the latest issue of Time magazine. They’ve got Chris Christie on the cover with a silhouette and the headline, ‘The Elephant in the Room’. But in their defense, I think they chose the least offensive title. Here’s the other ones they had: ‘Chris Christie, Have a Whale of a Time.’ I didn’t like that one. ‘Between a Rock and a Lard Place’. Yeah, that’s not good. And ‘Hail to the Chef’.” – Jay Leno

“According to CNN, they’re now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.” – Jay Leno

“Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin’s confession — or as Putin calls it, ‘bragging’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years – for example, that lap-band surgery doesn’t always work.” – Jay Leno

“Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He’s a good guy. Christie said he couldn’t have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, ‘Happy to help, man’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he’s got a new slogan: ‘Put the oval in the Oval Office’.” – Jay Leno

“Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. And in honor of his big win, I promise no more fat jokes about him tonight. But seriously, the margin of victory was so big, even he could walk through it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, ‘drunken stupor’. Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he’s drunk, I’d hate to see what happens when he smokes crack.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“Bill de Blasio became New York City’s first Democratic mayor in 20 years by getting an amazing 73 percent of the vote. They’re saying a lot of the voting machines were malfunctioning. In fact, there were so many glitches, Bill de Blasio won the mayor’s race AND ‘Dancing With The Stars’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us.” – Conan O’Brien

“The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: ‘If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana.” – David Letterman

“New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, ‘I came back for seconds’.” – Conan O’Brien

“In New Jersey, they re-elected Chris Christie by a HUGE margin. Is there any other way?” – Craig Ferguson

“New York City is going to get a new mayor. It’s between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That’s all I know.” – David Letterman

“The tall white guy is really tall. He’s 6’7′. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he’s elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy.” – David Letterman

“In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I’m counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We’ll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That’s three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money.” – David Letterman

“Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, ‘Four score and seven years ago…'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, ‘Government Bullies’. When asked for comment, Paul said, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House announced that Joe Biden will travel to Asia to make up for President Obama’s trip that was canceled because of the government shutdown. Seriously? That’s like Justin Timberlake canceling a show and sending the banjo players from those Geico ads to take his place.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One year ago today President Obama won re-election. And it’s been smooth sailing ever since.” – David Letterman

“So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here’s the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherfuckers about its effects.” – Jon Stewart

“There’s now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country’s supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works.” – Jay Leno

“NSA whistle-blower and traitor Edward Snowden, living in asylum in Russia, has released a manifesto directed at the United States claiming that telling the truth should not be a crime. And believe me, there’s no better place to celebrate free speech, truth, and equal rights than in Russia.” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he’s winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said ‘margarine’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof.” – Jay Leno

“Did you all turn your clocks back an hour over the weekend? It is easy to remember ‘spring ahead, fall back.’ It’s like trying to log on to Obamacare. You spring ahead, make a little progress, then you fall back.” – Jay Leno

“According to CBS news, on the first day of open enrollment for Obamacare, only six people signed up. Today they released their names: They are Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doc. That’s according to the creator of the website: Dopey.” – Jay Leno

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able to sign up for ‘PutinCare’.” – Jay Leno

“Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa.” – David Letterman

“It’s been a big year for Vladimir Putin. People magazine also named him the sexiest dictator alive.” – David Letterman

“Six kids showed up for Halloween with no costumes at all, just dressed like ordinary people. They said, ‘We’re the six people who signed up for Obamacare on the first day.'” – Jay Leno

“According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“This is my favorite part. Hand to God, this is the absolute truth. The White House said that the number six is not official. Really, aren’t they better off saying nothing? Not official? What, if we wait it could go as high as seven?” – Jay Leno

“The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies.” – Bill Maher (on President Obama’s promise that all Americans who like their health insurance plans would be able to keep them)

“New Rule: Before the Wall Street Journal publishes another editorial by health care ‘expert’ Suzanne Somers claiming Obamacare is a socialist Ponzi scheme, they have to find one person who actually lost weight using a Thighmaster. She sells a metal spring for thirty bucks and Obamacare’s a scam?” – Bill Maher

“Last night the Obamas gave out dried fruit to more than 5,000 trick-or-treaters. In a related story, today workers outside the White House had to sweep up a bunch of dried fruit.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I love Halloween; I call it Atheist Christmas.” – Bill Maher

“Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we’re going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they’re there?” – Bill Maher

“Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It’s impossible, and everybody’s furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won’t get started.” – David Letterman

“It’s really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we’d be able to afford treatment.” – Jay Leno

“Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of people are accusing the president of being less than truthful. In fact, a couple of weeks ago President Obama called me and told me personally that if I like my current job, I can keep my current job. And I believed him!” – Jay Leno

“The president said he didn’t know that we were spying on our allies. He didn’t know about the problems with the healthcare website. Have you heard the latest? Now the president claims he doesn’t know how ‘Breaking Bad’ ended.” – Jay Leno

“A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams’ top story was just a picture of his cat.” – Jimmy Fallon