Political Irony

“Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.” – Jay Leno

“Toronto’s city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford’s powers. They say this reduces him to a ‘mere figurehead’ – which still sounds better than ‘crackhead’.” – Jay Leno

“Everyone is talking about Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show.” – Conan O’Brien

“To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.” – Jay Leno

“Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term ‘Obamacare,’ when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it ‘The Affordable Care Act’. Americans were like, ‘Just let us know when you can call it fixed’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama’s impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there’s any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore’s Current TV, which it replaced. That’s how you know you’re boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He’s 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama.” – David Letterman

“The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here’s how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman.” – David Letterman

“Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” – David Letterman

“Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We’re very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that’s how many people have signed up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn’t ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don’t know how to open their email.” – David Letterman

“So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It’s all paid by tax dollars.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said today, ‘Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing’. Today God said, ‘Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.'” – Jay Leno

“Today’s the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it’s also Larry King’s birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, ‘Didn’t talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama’s ‘Sorry about this crappy website’ speech.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he’s not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he’d choose, he said, ‘Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we’ve got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.” – Jay Leno

“How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn’t ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it’s nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.” – David Letterman

“Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Toronto’s city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, ‘I am definitely not leaving this job’. Hey Mr. Mayor, that’s what I used to say!” – Jay Leno

“Today they took Rob Ford’s office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That’s actually the one I would be worried about.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Every time he’s in public, Rob Ford does something great. He’s my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season. ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they’re nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there.” – Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost ‘only’ $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, ‘You guys stink at running a business.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off.” – David Letterman

“This week we found out how many people have signed up for Obamacare on the federal website. Out of 15 million uninsured, they signed up 26,794. To give you an idea, Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that.” – Bill Maher

“So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.” – David Letterman

“How fucking hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up; four hours later they’re on the seventh level of Candy Crush.” – Bill Maher

“Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It’s the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It’s virtually impossible.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that if the Obamacare website doesn’t work, that must mean Obamacare itself doesn’t work. That’s like saying the ice cream’s no good because you can’t find a spoon.” – Bill Maher

“The New York Times is calling this Obama’s Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, ‘You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'” – Bill Maher

“That is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. When Republicans shut down the government, it’s on purpose.” – Bill Maher

“For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it’s incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama apologized for this whole healthcare debacle. He said today, ‘We fumbled’. Well, a fumble is a turnover. That can happen to anyone. This is more like, ‘We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football.'” – Jay Leno

“This was kind of tough week for liberals. First the 60 Minutes thing – they were bullshitting – and then Obama had to eat crow on Obamacare. I just want you liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods, and gay sex, so everything is not lost.” – Bill Maher

“According to a report released yesterday, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I can’t believe that. There’s not a million people in California who have CAR insurance.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, ‘I have a husband with very significant health issues’. She said, ‘At some points we’re going to have to figure it out’. Girlfriend, there’s a lot about your husband you’re going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries.” – Bill Maher

“Oamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, ‘Okay, you know what? You want your shitty, crummy plans? You can have them!’ You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you’re covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'” – Bill Maher

“And one reason he had to do this was that Bill Clinton opened his big fat vegan mouth, and said Obama should let people keep their crappy insurance, even if screwed up the whole system. You know what? If you’re a Democrat, the Clintons are a pre-existing condition.” – Bill Maher

“I don’t blame Obama for being fed up. Today he said I’m taking a page out of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s playbook. He said, ‘This is not my fault. I was in one of my drunken stupors’.” – Bill Maher

“Toronto City Council yesterday stripped [Mayor Rob Ford] of his powers – whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack – because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant said ‘Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too shitfaced to get it up.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they’re just old chicken wings he threw in there.” – Craig Ferguson

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he’s refusing to step down. Despite all this, he’s announced that he’ll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, ‘How can I get Canadian TV?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto’s city council voted 39-3 to strip Mayor Rob Ford of some of his powers. Here’s the amazing part. The mayor and his brother are being given their own reality show. That’s depressing, isn’t it? This maniac will have a TV show and I won’t.” – Jay Leno

“Rob Ford says he doesn’t really know if he’ll be a good TV host, but he’s willing to take a crack at it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“America Recycles Day is a special day. It’s the day that Al Gore lands on roofs with a reusable bag of kale for all the good boys and girls. He usually gets stuck in the chimney.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn’t get in. Then Obama said, ‘But when you do, let us know how you did it!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a press conference President Obama talked about Healthcare.gov and he said buying health insurance is never going to be as easy as buying a song on iTunes. The answer is simple. Fire the website people and hire the people at iTunes. There you go. Couldn’t be easier.” – Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate’s immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It’s always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, it’s nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as ‘not honest’. That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history.” – Jay Leno

“A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here in New York City we have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He’s 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She’s a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment’s notice.” – David Letterman

“The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He’s a former leprechaun.” – David Letterman

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He’s like your drunk uncle who is fun but you’re just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.” – Conan O’Brien