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Late Night Political Humor

“One of the biggest movies to come out this weekend was the Disney movie, ‘Frozen,’ which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website.” – Conan O’Brien

“In Nevada, where prostitution is legal – true story – prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, ‘Let me help you with your co-pay’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It’s all part of Amazon’s pledge to drive your dog insane.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The drones will allow Amazon to make deliveries in 30 minutes or less, or we will be on the phone with a customer service rep saying, ‘Where is the drone? I ordered this thing an hour ago!’ Hopefully they can attach pizzas to this.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?” – Conan O’Brien

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Big Banks Control Congress

Big banks have gotten two new bills passed in the House of Representatives that roll back regulations that were put in place after the last financial meltdown to keep it from happening again. Yes, that’s right. After the banks nearly destroyed our economy in 2008 (forcing us taxpayers to bail them out to the tune of close to $100 billion) Congress passed Dodd-Frank, which even in its watered-down state on passing was a good step toward reining in some of the most dangerous forms of risk taking on Wall Street. Well, the Republican controlled House (with some help from Democrats too) is doing everything it can to get rid of Dodd-Frank. Why wouldn’t they? They need the money for their campaigns, and Wall Street is only too willing to oblige since keeping down regulations is what lets them take insane risks in the first place and make tons of money. And as long as we keep bailing them out when the risks go sour, there is no incentive for them to be responsible.

Here’s a great rant about it:

What he doesn’t mention is that this bill has passed only the House. The only things keeping it from becoming law is opposition in the Democratically controlled Senate (and even that opposition is not particularly strong, since Democrats depend on campaign contributions from Wall Street too), and from Obama’s veto power (ditto).

How the House voted, by party and by ideology.Yes, as I am going to great pains to point out, this is definitely a “lesser of two evils” scenario. We absolutely need to reduce the influence of money in politics, and especially to reverse the Citizens United decision. But until we do, the Democrats are the only thing keeping us from heading down the same road to financial melt-down and government bailouts that has repeatedly happened since we deregulated the banks. The diagram to the right shows out the House voted. Republicans are shown in red, Democrats in blue. The position in the diagram is based on an assessment of their ideology. Note that all but three Republicans voted for the bill, and it was mainly conservative Democrats who joined them.

Here’s a website that lets you find out how your representative voted.

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Late Night Political Irony

“In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day – thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.” – Jay Leno

“You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.” – Jay Leno

“The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama just can’t catch a break. He gave an immigration speech yesterday in San Francisco and got heckled by a guy yelling something about stopping deportations. Obama was cool, he said the man was entitled to free speech, and then he turned to his security and said, ‘Deport that guy’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When President Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Now don’t confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare – that was a dream that didn’t work.” – Jay Leno

“The big news this week is that the U.S. finally got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange, the U.S. has freed up $8 billion of Iran’s assets. When asked how it plans to spend the money, Iran said, ‘We’re going to buy nuclear weapons’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie ‘Hunger Games.’ He’s apparently under the impression it’s about competitive eating.” – David Letterman

“A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football.” – Jimmy Fallon

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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Tea Party

Yesterday, Senator Ted Cruz posted some nice words about Nelson Mandela on his website. He also reposted them to his Facebook page. Here’s what he said:

Nelson Mandela will live in history as an inspiration for defenders of liberty around the globe. He stood firm for decades on the principle that until all South Africans enjoyed equal liberties he would not leave prison himself, declaring in his autobiography, ‘Freedom is indivisible; the chains on any one of my people were the chains on all of them, the chains on all of my people were the chains on me.’ Because of his epic fight against injustice, an entire nation is now free.

We mourn his loss and offer our condolences to his family and the people of South Africa.

Unfortunately, some of Cruz’s followers on Facebook didn’t agree with him and responded with hateful vitriol. Here are a few comments, picked at random:

  • Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Mao, and FDR are also dead. They don’t deserve a positive Eulogy either.
  • He was a no-good, murdering communist. No wonder obummer likes him so much. He burned alive people who did not agree with him. No sadness here.
  • You’re eulogized the inventor of necklacing and the head of a KGB marxist, terrorist organization?
  • He was a murderer, plain and simple.
  • Mandela is ant-White. [sic]
  • This what you get when people are spoon fed lies from the American press. Mandela was a killer, history is a lie.
  • I’d like to take this moment to pay my respects to the fallen Boers, now is the time to fight back! Let’s restore South Africa as a Boer nation!
  • Ted im ashamed of you . Touting a known communist as a great person. I don’t know if I can vote for you now.

Then people supporting Cruz’s comments about Mandela jumped into the fray. And things got even more bizarre. Right now, there are over 900 comments on the post.

The most common complaints against Mandela are that he was a communist (um, so why didn’t he nationalize anything or do anything else remotely communist when he became president?), and that he was a terrorist because he was involved with groups that killed people during the revolution in South Africa (by that measure, so were the founding fathers of our nation).

They don’t seem to understand that Mandela’s greatness is that he used his time in prison to overcome bitterness and hatred, and managed to largely unite South Africa, both white and black, at a time when both sides were calling for terrible violence and retribution against the other side. Mandela turned sworn enemies into lifelong friends and admirers, including his jailers and the white president he ousted from office.

So, if this is too much for you to read, The Onion has an interesting counterpoint: “Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed”.

UPDATE: Rick Santorum invokes Mandela to compare Apartheid to Obamacare. Seriously:

Nelson Mandela stood up against a great injustice and was willing to pay a huge price for that. That’s the reason he’s mourned today, because of that struggle that he performed. But you’re right, I mean, what he was advocating for was not necessarily the right answer, but he was fighting against some great injustice, and I would make the argument that we have a great injustice going on right now in this country with an ever-increasing size of government that is taking over and controlling people’s lives, and Obamacare is front and center in that.

What’s doubly ironic about this is that he slips in his claim that what Mandela “was advocating for was not necessarily the right answer”. Was that a Freudian slip about the Republicans, who are advocating for the repeal of health care reform?

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The Daily Show is on a Roll

Corporations have definitely become the new aristocracy. They have more rights than actual, real people, but are amazingly exempt from many laws.

And yet they keep violating the law and largely getting away with it, with at most paying a fine that is often less than they amount of money they made from breaking the law.

Actually, all the clips from last night were awesome — here they are if you want to watch.

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A Lie that Won’t Fly

It has been a few years since I’ve posted stories about the Department of Homeland Security’s “No Fly” list. Remember, the list that prevented Senator Ted Kennedy from flying, and countless other innocent people, with no way for them to contest being on the list. Things did eventually ease up a bit for a while, but suddenly they are back in the news.

Why? The first legal challenge to the no-fly list to actually make it to trial has started, and things have already turned decidedly Orwellian.

The plaintiff in the case is Dr. Rahinah Ibrahim, a Malaysian citizen who was a PhD student at Stanford University. Ibrahim got married in the US, and her daughter, Raihan Mustafa Kamal, was born here and is hence a US citizen. Ibrahim, along with her daughter, were denied boarding on a flight from San Francisco to Kuala Lumpur in 2005.

Ironically, Ibrahim herself is not allowed to attend the trial. She applied for a visa specifically to attend the trial, but it was denied … by the DHS, the plaintiff in the case.

The trial was supposed to start Monday in San Francisco, despite DHS lawyers attempts to get the case dismissed several times by invoking “state secrets”. But on the first day of trial, one of the plaintiff’s main witnesses — the daughter Kamal — was also unable to attend the trial. She was denied boarding Sunday night on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to San Francisco because she is now on the government no-fly list! Not only is the daughter a witness to the original incident, she is an attorney licensed to practice law in Malaysia.

Interestingly, Kamal was told by the airline that she was on the no-fly list, and was even given a phone number for DHS in the US to call. Normally, airlines are prohibited from telling the passenger why they are being denied boarding, or giving them any other information, putting them in a very strange situation.

When hearing this, the trial judge ordered the government lawyers representing the DHS to investigate what happened. Later that day, the lawyers reported back that they had been told (and confirmed) by DHS that “the plaintiff’s daughter just missed her flight”, and that she was rebooked on a flight on Tuesday.

But the DHS response is a lie. Kamal did not miss her flight, and she was not rebooked on another flight. Kamal even sent a copy of the “no-board” instructions which DHS gave to Malaysia Airlines. Again, normally the airline is not allowed to disclose this information to the passenger, but for some reason they gave this information to Kamal to explain why they were not letting her fly. As far as anyone knows, this is the first time an actual no-fly order has been disclosed to the passenger.

Ironically, the government is still trying to get the trial dismissed. Their reasoning? Because the evidence against them is secret, it is not allowed in court, so the plaintiffs cannot present evidence against the government. Initially, the government tried to claim that even evidence against the government that was public could not be used in the trial. For example, the government claimed that the 2005 SFO police report on the original incident (and which had always been publicly available) was inadmissible in court because the TSA “had subsequently determined that some of the information it contained was secret”.

That’s right, the government was claiming that they could retroactively declare public knowledge to be secret, and thus inadmissible in court. Luckily, the judge rejected this claim, saying:

That’s ridiculous. Are you saying that if the president makes a speech, TSA can retroactively make it a secret what he said? It cannot be the law that something that is publicly known later becomes hidden…

There are lots of interesting notes on this trial, which you can read on The Identity Project website.

But I warn you. If you start reading them, you might think you had fallen down a rabbit hole.

UPDATE: Coincidentally, Nelson Mandela was on the US no-fly list, and was not allowed to fly to the US, nor even fly on a US airline outside the US.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama’s approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here’s how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he’s pardoning this week? The turkey said: ‘No pictures’. It didn’t want to be seen.” – Jay Leno

“Are you aware of the turkey shortage? Now the White House has stepped in so people won’t panic. They said yes, there’s a turkey shortage, but don’t worry, it’s only a web site problem. They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year.” – David Letterman

“PETA says that today’s turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they’re dying of heart attacks. I don’t want to be insensitive, but that’s still better than getting your head chopped off.” – Jay Leno

“The FCC is reconsidering the ban on cellphone use on planes. So not only do you get to watch the lady eating a tuna fish sandwich she brought from home, you get to hear her yell at her husband while she does it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight.” – Jay Leno

“There are ways to make air travel much, much worse. I think it’s fine if people want to make calls from the plane, but I think they should have to step outside to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Am I the only one who thinks the government should focus on something else? I would like to see the ban lifted on 4-ounce bottles of Pantene shampoo. First thing I’m going to do is order a large pepperoni pizza and have it delivered to the sky.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced that the U.S. and Iran have reached an important step in freezing Iran’s nuclear program. When asked how they’d finally reached the agreement, Iran said, ‘Patience, compromise, and oh, we lied. Not in that order, actually.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are talking about how Obama was finally able to get this deal with Iran. What happened was, Obama got tired of trying to fix healthcare and said, ‘Give me an easier problem. Iranian nukes! I’m on it. That’s much better than what I’ve been dealing with the past couple of weeks.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Patriots overcame six fumbles and a score of 24-0 to beat the Broncos in overtime. It was amazing. They came back from dropping the ball and being down 24 points. Or, as Obama put it, ‘What’s your secret?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel’s office. Radel says he’s going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia.” – Jay Leno

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Private Sectors

We all know that only the government screws up building a website. Right? Because the private sector does everything perfectly!

While the media was fixated on the problems with the healthcare.gov website, meanwhile Obamacare scored a huge success in an even more significant area. It is dramatically slowing the cost of healthcare. Ironically, this is exactly what hundreds of health and labor economists predicted back in January 2011, but they were largely ignored.

The other good news is that now that the website is starting to work better, the Obama administration is (finally) going on the offensive against those who would repeal Obamacare and go back to the system we had before.

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As the News Drones On

Amazon Delivery Drone

If you have no idea what this is about, see “The Real Reason Amazon Announced Delivery Drones Last Night: $3 Million In Free Advertising On Cyber Monday“.

But the real story here isn’t how Jeff Bezos took advantage of CBS in order to get free advertising. If you actually watch the segment, it shows how mainstream news programs like “60 Minutes” have turned into sycophant kiss-asses for the rich and powerful. Charlie Rose asks Bezos hard hitting questions like “Are you working on a set top box that will allow people to watch streaming video and not need to have cable television?” And Bezos of course answers “I can’t answer that question” and they both laugh.

What a joke.

tt131204
© Tom Toles

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Gimme that Old Time Religion

Lee Judge
© Lee Judge

I know some people think that Pope Francis talks better than he acts, but somehow I can’t help but admire him for his talk. Besides, making any changes to a stagnant behemoth like the Catholic Church is going to take time. Besides, isn’t this what Jesus would do?

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The Root of all Evil

A report by the Economist magazine on the financial services industry finds that 53% of executives in that industry say that employees who try to adhere to strict ethical standards hurt their own careers. In other words, in banks and stockbrokers, unethical behavior is routinely rewarded.

I don’t know what scares me more: the 53% who are willing to admit that what they are doing is unethical, or the rest of them who are not.

And in the Guardian, a former Wall Street trader explains why. The problem is that you can make a lot of money by cheating people, and the risks are minimal:

After a few years on Wall Street it was clear to me: you could make money by gaming anyone and everything. The more clever you were, the more ingenious your ability to exploit a flaw in a law or regulation, the more lauded and celebrated you became.

Nobody seemed to be getting called out. No move was too audacious. It was like driving past the speed limit at 79 MPH, and watching others pass by at 100, or 110, and never seeing anyone pulled over.

As Wall Street grew, fueled by that unchecked culture of risk taking, traders got more and more audacious, and corruption became more and more diffused through the system. By 2006 you could open up almost any major business, look at its inside workings, and find some wrongdoing.

After the crash of 2008, regulators finally did exactly that. What has resulted is a wave of scandals with odd names; LIBOR fixing, FX collusion, ISDA Fix.

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The Wringer

Matt Wuerker
© Matt Wuerker

No wonder nothing ever gets done in Congress. Raising money is their full-time job. And the cost of winning an election (yes, of course you can buy an election) has been skyrocketing:

CNN

And that does not include spending by “outside independent groups” (PACs and SuperPACs). That spending now dwarfs actual campaign spending, especially since the Supreme Court opened the corporate spending floodgates in 2010.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.” – Jay Leno

“Toronto’s city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford’s powers. They say this reduces him to a ‘mere figurehead’ – which still sounds better than ‘crackhead’.” – Jay Leno

“Everyone is talking about Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show.” – Conan O’Brien

“To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.” – Jay Leno

“Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term ‘Obamacare,’ when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it ‘The Affordable Care Act’. Americans were like, ‘Just let us know when you can call it fixed’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama’s impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there’s any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore’s Current TV, which it replaced. That’s how you know you’re boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He’s 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama.” – David Letterman

“The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here’s how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman.” – David Letterman

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The Right to Stupidity

The Supreme Court is considering two cases that question whether Obamacare can set requirements for health insurance, even if the companies providing that insurance object to those requirements on religious grounds.

In particular, the Affordable Care Act requires large employers to provide preventative care at no cost, which includes contraceptive services. Note that religious non-profits are already exempt from this requirement, but not for-profit corporations. Hobby Lobby, the plaintiff in one of the cases and run by conservative Christians, claims that this violates their religious rights.

On it’s face this is bizarre, because it extends the already controversial decision in Citizen’s United that corporations are people and thus eligible for free speech rights, to now make them eligible for religious rights. That’s right, corporations would be able to have religious rights.

The implications of this are staggering. Could a corporation refuse to pay taxes because of religious objections to how the money is spent? Could they avoid civil rights laws or child labor laws based on religious views?

Even worse, does this mean that corporations would be allowed to dictate the behavior of their employees, including employees who do not share their religious views? Can a corporation tell an employee that they may not use any money from their paycheck to purchase liquor, for example? Can a company run by Christian Scientists, who believe that illness should be cured by prayer, refuse to provide any medical insurance at all? Some religions even claim that AIDS is God’s punishment for promiscuity and homosexuality. If corporations can refuse to cover contraception on religious grounds, shouldn’t they be allowed to refuse to cover treatment for STDs?

What’s ironic about this is that these cases claim to be about religious freedom, but they would end up making the (new) religious freedom of corporations trump the religious freedom of real people. After all, a corporation’s religious beliefs would be allowed to dictate what kind of health care coverage is received by their employees.

What makes this hypocritical is that until a few years ago, Hobby Lobby did cover contraceptives in their health insurance plans. It wasn’t until the introduction of Obamacare, and the resulting publicity, that they dropped coverage of contraception from their health plan. This is obviously a very deeply held religious belief.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” – David Letterman

“Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We’re very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that’s how many people have signed up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn’t ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don’t know how to open their email.” – David Letterman

“So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It’s all paid by tax dollars.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said today, ‘Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing’. Today God said, ‘Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.'” – Jay Leno

“Today’s the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it’s also Larry King’s birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, ‘Didn’t talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama’s ‘Sorry about this crappy website’ speech.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he’s not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he’d choose, he said, ‘Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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