Political Irony

“Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, ‘That my job!’ But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.” – Bill Maher

“In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called ‘a new generation Republican’. Or as the’re known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.” – Bill Maher

“I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark — and then the storm hit.” – Bill Maher

“We’re halfway through the Winter Olympics. The American speed skaters say there’s a reason their times are off. They’re blaming it on their suits, and I thought maybe I should do that. It was my suit.” – David Letterman

“The U.S. men’s hockey team beat Russia on Saturday in a very dramatic shoot-out. That was exciting. The American team said they’re thrilled with the win, while the Russian team is missing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it’s still better than a hotel in Sochi.” – Conan O’Brien

“There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. He’s back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. I’m surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision.” – Craig Ferguson

“I wonder what ex-presidents do on Presidents Day. Probably have a big cookout at the ex-presidents clubhouse. Clinton, Carter, and the two Bushes all live together in a big house. Just like late-night talk-show guys live together in the late-night clubhouse. I haven’t seen Leno recently, although one of his cars is still in the driveway. Maybe he’s coming back.” – Craig Ferguson

“Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ This is the first ‘Tonight Show’ broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I’m Jimmy Fallon and I’ll be your host … for now.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It happened again – today I get a call from my mom. She says, ‘David, did something happen to Jay?'” – David Letterman

“I want to start by wishing everyone a happy Presidents Day because it seems like the right thing to do, even though none of you are actually presidents.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy Presidents Day. There’s a Presidents Day sale here where you get 50 percent off any mattress if you can prove you’re a former president.” – David Letterman

“It is a day to remember all our presidents. And also to get a terrific deal on mattresses.” – Craig Ferguson

“Presidents Day, of course, started out as celebration of Washington’s birthday. Then someone remembered it was Lincoln’s birthday on the 12th. So now we celebrate Washington, Lincoln and all the other Presidents. I have no idea how this led to mattress sales. It’s probably something do with Bill Clinton.” – Craig Ferguson

“I spent my Presidents Day the same way I always do. I spent it quietly hating everyone who has the day off today.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, tonight is the 969th and final episode of ‘Late Night.’ Or as my dad put it, ‘Couldn’t make it to a thousand, huh? Quitter.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don’t need to get fired three times. I get the hint.” – Jay Leno

“We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It’s really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad.” – Jay Leno

“You know, being together all these years, the staff is very close. It’s kind of like graduating high school – a high school for really stupid people that have been in the same class for 22 years.” – Jay Leno

“When I started hosting, Justin Bieber wasn’t even born yet. That’s why we call those ‘the good old days’.” – Jay Leno

“This is the last night Jay Leno is hosting ‘The Tonight Show’. Good luck, Jay. The lesson here is if you work hard and succeed, someday you will be fired.” – Craig Ferguson

“And the worst thing about losing this job, I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“That’s why I’m happy right here. They can’t fire you if they don’t know you’re on the air.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Olympics start airing tonight on NBC. It’s a big deal. NBC will finally get to show somebody who is OK with passing the torch.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you see the Opening Ceremonies today…what an elaborate pageant of flamboyant costumes and choreographed dance numbers all aimed at one theme – no gays allowed.” – Bill Maher

“The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that’s what happens when you tick off gay people.” – David Letterman

“Have you seen what’s going on in the hotels in Sochi? They report that the water, if it does come out, is yellow; the toilets don’t flush; they say construction workers just wander into you room, which the male figure skating team described as ‘heaven’.” – Bill Maher

“The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That’s when you know things are bad – when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin’s body oil caught on fire.” – David Letterman

“They rushed to get the Olympics together there. The hotels are open but they keep finding forgotten little things like handles on the doors, showers with no curtains, floors that are missing. They say if you do fall through a missing floor, here’s what you do: relax your body, remain calm and above all – try to stick the landing.” – Bill Maher

“Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons.” – David Letterman

“Of course, the Russians have their pride, so they are not admitting that any of this is all a big fuck up. They say this is all part of their brilliant plan to make the terrorists think that they’ve already bombed the place.” – Bill Maher

“There are 12 new events in this year’s Winter Olympics, 12. The new events include women’s ski jumping, luge-team relay, and finding a working toilet.” – Conan O’Brien

“You gotta feel for the athletes because the events themselves are dangerous enough – flying down hills are breakneck speeds. After a grueling day of doing that, you just want to get back to your room and take a long, hot yellow shower.” – Bill Maher

“I guess it isn’t going well over there. In fact, I heard there’s even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there’s nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. ‘How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They are very upfront about the fact that you should have no expectations of privacy if you go there to Sochi. The phones immediately are hacked, your computers are hacked, the rooms are bugged; one hotel – their slogan is ‘we’ll leave the mic on for you’.” – Bill Maher

“Guess which state is going to be the next; it looks like, to legalize pot? It’s on the ballot and it’s looking good… Alaska! And you thought Sarah Palin didn’t make any sense now.” – Bill Maher