Political Irony

“Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a ‘thug’, and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, ‘My friend here will take care of you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that’s good enough for me.” – David Letterman

“The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror.” – Stephen Colbert

“Welcome to the Ed Sullivan Theater, now under Russian control.” – David Letterman

“We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I’m not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn’t change colors.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times has issued a correction to a 161-year-old article which misspelled the name of the main character from ’12 Years a Slave’. The Times blamed the mistake on the newspaper’s editor at the time: Thaddeus P. Travolta.” – Seth Meyers

“Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, ‘Soon nobody will’.” – Seth Meyers

“Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn’t show it. And I’m going to guess they’re not going to show the Tony Awards either.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, ‘Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit.’ Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting.” – David Letterman

“Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this night my whole life.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don’t think I’ve had this many questions since the series finale of ‘Lost’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I’ll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Welcome to the Tonight Show! I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, ‘Jelan Fejalla’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m Conan O’Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, ‘Kevin O. Zeme’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I’m not in the dead actors montage.” – David Letterman

“This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn’t medal, Putin said, ‘Do not open trunk’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president.” – Cecily Strong (on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”)

“Bill O’Reilly said that Michelle Obama needs to come on ‘The Factor’ to tell black girls to stop having sex and stop getting pregnant. Because if there’s one way to reach young black girls, it’s to go on Bill O’Reilly show.” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky.” – Bill Maher

“North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'” – Colin Jost (on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”)

“The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he’s not there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they’ve found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I’m not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall.” – Jimmy Fallon

“With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there’s talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: ‘Two Kraines’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.” – Seth Meyers

“In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it’s right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.” – Conan O’Brien

“A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he’ll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.” – Seth Meyers

“After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, ‘It has been fun time, and I’m sad to see everyone escape… I mean, get away… I mean, go home.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“America is leading all the other countries at the Olympics in gold medals. Great, another reason for the rest of the world to hate us.” – David Letterman

“Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good.” – David Letterman

“A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, ‘Rome was not un-built in a day.’ In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Christie said he’s still holding out hope that he and Bruce Springsteen can be friends. In response, Springsteen was like, ‘One! Two! Three! No’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend is George Washington’s birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own.” – David Letterman