Political Irony

“I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech.” – Jimmy Fallon (reading a rebuttal from “Sam I Am” to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” to criticize Obamacare)

“Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops?” – David Letterman

“President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and said, ‘Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?'” – David Letterman

“Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia’s space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, ‘Because we’re building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka.” – David Letterman

“Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down ‘meet-Russian-women.com’.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke. And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy.” – Seth Meyers

“The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song ‘Respect’. President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Conservative Political Action Conference is still going on down in Washington, D.C. And yesterday, Donald Trump was giving a speech, when he accidentally referred to former President Jimmy Carter – who’s still very much alive – as ‘the late, great Jimmy Carter.’ Trump immediately apologized, and then said, ‘He wasn’t THAT great’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida’s videos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix.” – David Letterman

“A California lawmaker is proposing stricter regulations on the doctors who prescribe medical marijuana. For example, doctors are no longer able to prescribe you pot for the medical condition: ‘I Just Got Netflix’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, North Korea held elections, and Kim Jon Un was reelected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits the win to his slogan: ‘Vote for me or you will be murdered’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The College Board says it’s revamping the SAT to focus more on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: ‘How much money do your parents have?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. ‘Oh come on!’ said a kid with an upcoming Geography test.” – Cecily Strong (on “Weekend Update”)

“President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history”. Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry.” – Cecily Strong

‘While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul criticized NSA privacy violations asking, ‘Will we be like lemmings, rushing to the comfort of Big Brother’s crushing embrace?’ Or will we be like Rand Paul, not quite understanding what lemmings do?'” – Colin Jost (on “Weekend Update”)

“An anchor for Russia’s state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network’s support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.” – David Letterman

“If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry, secretary of state, is visiting Ukraine and today he met with Adele Dazeem.” – David Letterman

“Obama’s approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech.” – Craig Ferguson

“The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, ‘After two years, I don’t give a damn.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago on thin ice, just go to the White House.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m kidding. I’m kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you’re the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.” – Conan O’Brien

“Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, ‘Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem.'” – David Letterman

“This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork.” – David Letterman

“Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, ‘Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?” – David Letterman

“Putin doesn’t know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us.” – David Letterman

“Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien

“After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He’s referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, ‘A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I’ve never had either of those things.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama’s new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ they’re actually asking.” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a ‘thug’, and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, ‘My friend here will take care of you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that’s good enough for me.” – David Letterman

“The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror.” – Stephen Colbert

“Welcome to the Ed Sullivan Theater, now under Russian control.” – David Letterman

“We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I’m not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn’t change colors.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times has issued a correction to a 161-year-old article which misspelled the name of the main character from ’12 Years a Slave’. The Times blamed the mistake on the newspaper’s editor at the time: Thaddeus P. Travolta.” – Seth Meyers

“Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, ‘Soon nobody will’.” – Seth Meyers

“Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn’t show it. And I’m going to guess they’re not going to show the Tony Awards either.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is steamed. He says to Putin, ‘Pull your troops out of Crimea or the U.S. will not attend the next G-8 summit.’ Well, that will show him. Putin will think twice about it now. Last thing he wants to do is offend the United States so they stay home from a summit meeting.” – David Letterman

“Tonight we get a visit from the mayor of the great city of Toronto, Rob Ford. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this night my whole life.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I have a lot to ask Mayor Ford. I don’t think I’ve had this many questions since the series finale of ‘Lost’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mayor Ford gets out here, distract him and I’ll take his passport. And that way he never leaves us, OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Welcome to the Tonight Show! I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon. Or as John Travolta would call me, ‘Jelan Fejalla’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m Conan O’Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, ‘Kevin O. Zeme’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I’m not in the dead actors montage.” – David Letterman