Political Irony

“President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, ‘I won’t rest until all you guys can get married.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they’re going to repeal the Internet.” – Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, ‘Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I’m sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you’re never quite sure who’s going to live or die. Or maybe I’m thinking of Paul Ryan’s budget.” – Bill Maher

“Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge.” – Bill Maher

“McDonald’s announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, ‘Is good to hear. Even I don’t have weapon as destructive as McRib.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“50 years ago, America’s biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America’s biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour… And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart’s owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, ‘For years I’ve been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.’ How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?” – Bill Maher

“Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, ‘I’m retiring.’ There was a pause and then he said, ‘Who is this?'” – David Letterman

“A year from now I’ll be on the beach with a metal detector.” – David Letterman

“Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies.” – David Letterman

“The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from ‘The Late Show’ in 2015. I couldn’t believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, ‘Guess we’ll have to start watching YOU now.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn’t find it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a ‘stinkburger’ and a ‘meanwich.’ Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, ‘I’ll handle this. I’m going to investigate myself.’ So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, ‘If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit.'” – David Letterman

“Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto’s city council to vote ‘no’ on a measure to congratulate Canada’s Winter Olympians. He said, ‘If someone’s gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, ‘Been there’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she’s still alive.” – David Letterman

“The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.” – Seth Meyers

“The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…” – Seth Meyers

“Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run!” – Seth Meyers

“A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear ‘evitable’. What does evitable mean?” – Seth Meyers

“That’s right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, ‘What, it’s illegal?'” – Seth Meyers

“Toronto’s city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada’s Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He’s the best. And it’s Wednesday. This is the first mistake he’s made all week.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is ‘here to stay’. He added, ‘because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, ‘Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'” – Seth Meyers

“Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, ‘window shopping’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume.” – Seth Meyers

“U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, ‘OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like ‘Goodnight Kale’, ‘James and the Giant Organic Peach’, and ‘The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet’.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, ‘Don’t plant these where anyone can see them. They’re straight from Denver. ‘” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, ‘Great, my favorite.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: ‘Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.'” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia’s annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don’t know what a U.N. resolution is, it’s about as powerful as a negative Yelp review.” – Seth Meyers

“Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night’s first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it’s important to preserve the city’s bus and subway stations. Then he said, ‘I rely on those things. I’m way too drunk to drive myself.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it ‘2012 VP113’ or ‘Biden’ for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there.” – Seth Meyers

“Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating.” – David Letterman

“In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner.” – David Letterman

“Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn’t want to visit any country he can’t keep.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s ‘It’s a Small World’ ride. But they’re making some changes to it. They’re making the Russian section much, much larger.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful.” – David Letterman

“When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.” – David Letterman

“While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.” – Conan O’Brien

“On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to ‘see the future,’ and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn’t have run for president in 2012.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview with ‘Meet the Press,’ former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the ‘send’ button on his typewriter.” – Seth Meyers