Political Irony

“Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report ‘news’ even though they have zero information; although, it never stopped Fox News.” – Bill Maher

“Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth’s crust was emboldened by Obama’s weakness.” – Bill Maher

“First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, ‘OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let’s do it!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This morning Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tackled a journalist on his way into City Hall. The craziest part of that story is that Rob Ford is still going to City Hall.” – Seth Meyers

“This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, ‘Almost told you so.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can’t find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.” – Seth Meyers

“Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it’s ‘always right’. Then he went back to organizing an election where you can’t vote No.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, ‘Yeah, right’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone.” – Seth Meyers

“Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie ‘Noah.’ That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope’s giant hat?” – Craig Ferguson

“Let’s name the Pope’s favorite movies. There’s ‘Holy Ghost Busters’, ‘Dude, Where’s My Cardinal?’, ‘Sistine Candles’, ‘Amen in Black’, ‘Live and Let Diocese’, ‘A Pew Good Men’, and ‘How to Train Your Deacon’.” – Craig Ferguson

“This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn’t where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it’s not where it should be — kind of like the letters in ‘Reince Priebus’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, ‘Reince Priebus’ sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare.” – Seth Meyers

“The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration’s recent push. They said, ‘And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks.” – Craig Ferguson

“It’s an amazing story… the plane… something just vanished without a trace. it means it was either an act of terrorism, an accident, or it starred Collin Farrell.” – Bill Maher

“The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they’re training for, Russian officials said, ‘Invading Ukraine’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There is actually a fourth possibility that Republicans are putting forward, that the plane went down because it was emboldened by Obama’s weakness. That apparently is their answer for everything. In fact on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy said it was a strange coincidence that Obama has a daughter named Malaysia.” – Bill Maher

“The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him.” – Bill Maher

“John McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren’t something we call you for as a phone-a-friend.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard any politician say. She said, ‘The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.’ You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?” – Bill Maher

“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you’ve ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like…” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week the White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still ‘unacceptably high’. Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino.” – Seth Meyers

“First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband.” – David Letterman

“Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, ‘Gee, I wish this show had some highlights.'” – David Letterman

“Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him ‘ambiguously gay.” … Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop.” – Bill Maher

“The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That’s how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don’t even do that.” – David Letterman

“The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, ‘This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!’ And then someone said, ‘We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn’t have an option for voting against the plan – it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, ‘iTunes user agreement’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Washington had a big power outage. And I thought: Well, wait a minute, I think the Obama administration has been without power the entire second term.” –David Letterman

“It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing was John Boehner’s face.” – David Letterman

“As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on.” – David Letterman

“A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they’d mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers ‘Please pray for me’. I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, ‘so hung over’.” – Seth Meyers