Political Irony

“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-Buzzkill.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.” – Seth Meyers

“‘Captain America’ is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, ‘I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.'” – Conan O’Brien

“France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.” – Seth Meyers

“Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, ‘Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.'” – David Letterman

Funny or Die imagines what would happen if religious right-wingers had their way with the Cosmos TV series:

“President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, ‘I won’t rest until all you guys can get married.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they’re going to repeal the Internet.” – Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, ‘Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I’m sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you’re never quite sure who’s going to live or die. Or maybe I’m thinking of Paul Ryan’s budget.” – Bill Maher

“Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge.” – Bill Maher

“McDonald’s announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, ‘Is good to hear. Even I don’t have weapon as destructive as McRib.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“50 years ago, America’s biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America’s biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour… And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart’s owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, ‘For years I’ve been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.’ How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?” – Bill Maher

“Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, ‘I’m retiring.’ There was a pause and then he said, ‘Who is this?'” – David Letterman

“A year from now I’ll be on the beach with a metal detector.” – David Letterman

“Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies.” – David Letterman

“The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from ‘The Late Show’ in 2015. I couldn’t believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, ‘Guess we’ll have to start watching YOU now.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn’t find it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a ‘stinkburger’ and a ‘meanwich.’ Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, ‘I’ll handle this. I’m going to investigate myself.’ So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, ‘If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit.'” – David Letterman

“Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto’s city council to vote ‘no’ on a measure to congratulate Canada’s Winter Olympians. He said, ‘If someone’s gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, ‘Been there’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she’s still alive.” – David Letterman

“The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.” – Seth Meyers