Political Irony

“Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, it’ll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. ‘Oooh, I hope the secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is wearing Valentino.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The political scene in Washington one of few places I’ve seen that’s more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.” – Craig Ferguson

“After taking a leave of absence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently going to rehab in Chicago. That’s right, he’s headed to the Second City. As in, ‘the second city where he’ll be caught with crack.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now Rob Ford is going to rehab. He didn’t necessarily want to go to rehab but he has to go to rehab because he promised he would go to rehab. It’s like a George Clooney engagement.” – David Letterman

“Lawmakers in Illinois have started a new push to legalize recreational marijuana in the state. Rob Ford said, ‘Looks like I got here just in time!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?” – David Letterman

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he’s taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can’t trust your drug dealer.” – David Letterman

“Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he’s seeking help with is getting more crack.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn’t say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy.” – Seth Meyers

“After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he’s taking a leave of absence, and of course he’s earned it. The guy’s been up since 2004.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn’t see that coming.” – Craig Ferguson

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A sober mayor of Toronto? I’m getting out of late night just in time.” – Craig Ferguson

“Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They’re perfect for each other.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s ‘going to be president of the United States’ one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called ‘Classically Cannabis.’ Or if you don’t like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called ‘any other concert.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that’s not the Republicans I know. I think they’re confused. We’re supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Russia’s deputy prime minister said the White House should revise its sanctions or else his country won’t help NASA. And this is true, astronauts will have to start using a trampoline to get to space.” – Jimmy Fallon

“L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up – the blacklist” – Jimmy Fallon

“The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Someone who doesn’t want to associate with black people owning an NBA franchise is like a vegan buying a steakhouse.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, ‘Wow, this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws.” – Seth Meyers

“The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He’s pretty old. They could’ve just said two years. It would have been the same thing.” – Craig Ferguson

“They fined Sterling $2.5 million. At a typical NBA game, $2.5 million is what you pay for those big foam fingers.” – Craig Ferguson

“NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sterling is not allowed to have any contact with any professional basketball whatsoever. It’s like he’s an honorary L.A. Laker.” – Craig Ferguson

“Clippers owner Donald Sterling was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver handed down the toughest punishment possible. Friends say to help lift his spirits, Sterling has been watching ’12 Years a Slave’ in reverse.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’ll take it from here’.” – David Letterman

“L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The L.A. Clippers protested their owner’s racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside-out. Meanwhile, the L.A. Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside-out so no one would know they play for the Lakers.” – Conan O’Brien

“Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in trouble for making racist remarks. It must be terribly embarrassing for this guy, you know, to be identified as the owner of the Clippers.” – David Letterman

“Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, got caught on tape allegedly spewing vial racist hate to his mistress. You know it’s bad when you get caught on tape with your mistress and it’s what you said that’s the problem.” – Craig Ferguson

“Here in L.A., Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers, has been caught on tape making racist remarks. After the audio was released, the NAACP decided not to honor Sterling with a second lifetime achievement award. Instead, they’re giving him ‘The Reason We Still Need an NAACP’ award.” – Conan O’Brien

“Clippers owner Donald Sterling was caught on tape saying racist things to a woman. The NAACP was set to give him a second lifetime achievement award but rescinded the honor. I think that’s a mistake. I think he should be forced to show up and accept the NAACP award.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump called Sterling’s remarks disgusting and his girlfriend a terrible human being. Then Trump said, ‘And that’s why I’ve invited them both to join the next season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Right now every NBA fan here in Los Angeles knows there’s a dark, ugly cloud of shame hanging over the Staples Center. But enough about the Lakers. There’s also the Sterling thing.” – Craig Ferguson

“Everyone agrees that Sterling should be forced to sell the team. I have a solution. I will buy the team. Donald Sterling, I will give you $5,000 in cash. Do with it whatever you want. Give it to the NAACP. Maybe they’ll give you another award.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I would be proud to take the reins of what once was and again will be the worst, most miserable franchise in all of sports.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is calling Donald Sterling’s racist remarks ‘incredibly offensive.’ And you know it’s bad when even Vladimir Putin says, ‘I hate to say it, but I am with Obama on this one’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was asked if he would save Vladimir Putin if Putin were drowning. Obama said, ‘Yeah, I would save Putin. I would save anyone except Donald Sterling.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Francis today tweeted to his 4 million Twitter followers, ‘Inequality is the root of social evil.’ So it looks like he’s giving away his season tickets to the Clippers.” – Seth Meyers

“George Clooney is engaged. You can tell he’s excited to get married because he’s been throwing himself a bachelor party for the last 20 years.” – Jimmy Fallon

“German Chancellor Angela Merkel will travel to the U.S. next month to talk with President Obama about the situation in Ukraine. And to try to get Clooney to change his mind.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A woman claiming to be Hitler’s maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we’d eventually find some dirt on that guy.” – Seth Meyers

“Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It’s a selfie he took with Larry King.” – Conan O’Brien