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Late Night Political Humor

“The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It’s what they’re doing right now for Hillary Clinton.” – David Letterman

‘During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, but I’m happily married.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, ’55 percent? That’s almost half.'” – Seth Meyers

“A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho’s gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.” – Seth Meyers

“A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.” – Seth Meyers

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The Establishment Clause

Rob Rogers
© Rob Rogers

The Tea Party has pretty much taken over the Republican Party. Who needs a radical fringe when you don’t have any moderates any more?

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Late Night Political Humor

“The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.” – Conan O’Brien

“The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who’s never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, ‘Eh, it’s been done.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren’t supposed to be in a gay relationship until they’re sent to prison. Then it’s fine.” – Conan O’Brien

“They are reopening the Washington Monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years – like the Obama administration.” – David Letterman

“Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, ‘Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said ‘Oh, I quit,’ Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office.” – Seth Meyers

“In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.” – Conan O’Brien

“So that’s our choice: Malala, or Rush — the quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque superfund clean-up site that was his soul. Who should we choose? I don’t know, why don’t we tweet our votes to hashtag #F*ckyouRush.” – Jon Stewart (showing a photo of Malala Yousufzai with a #BringBackOurGirls sign in solidarity with the drive to rescue 300 kidnapped Nigerian girls, and conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, who mocked the effort)

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Victory or Submission?

As predicted, no Tea Party challengers won their Republican primaries today. The glory days of wing-nut insurgents like Christine (I am not a witch) O’Donnell, Todd Akin, Ken Buck, Richard Mourdock, and Sharron Angle beating more traditional Republican candidates in the primaries – just to go on to lose big in the general election – seem to be over.

And so of course you are going to see the pundits declare the tea party all-but-dead, trampled by the big business Republican establishment. But is that so? From where I sit, it looks more like the establishment candidates gave in and adopted all the wing-nut policies of the Tea Party.

Don’t believe me? Are any of the establishment Republicans pushing to fix Obamacare rather than just repeatedly repeal it? Or working on improving the economy rather than sabotaging it (by shutting down the government) just to make Obama look bad? Or promoting immigration reform? Or willing to compromise with Democrats on anything? Or even consider stopping wasting our time and money investigating Benghazi?

In fact, do Republicans have any policies whatsoever other than “if Obama is for it, we’re against it”? After all, it was Mitch McConnell himself (who just defeated a Tea Party primary challenger) who said that his number-one political goal was to make Obama a one term president.

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How Lavabit the dust

Almost a year ago, Ladar Levison shut down his startup “Lavabit”, which provided secure and encrypted email services to almost half a million people, including some high profile users like NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. At the time, he wasn’t allowed to talk about what actually happened, only that a US court had ordered him to give the government access to all of its emails.

But now, finally, we get to hear Ladar Levison’s side of the story.

Here’s his conclusion:

If my experience serves any purpose, it is to illustrate what most already know: courts must not be allowed to consider matters of great importance under the shroud of secrecy, lest we find ourselves summarily deprived of meaningful due process. If we allow our government to continue operating in secret, it is only a matter of time before you or a loved one find yourself in a position like I did – standing in a secret courtroom, alone, and without any of the meaningful protections that were always supposed to be the people’s defense against an abuse of the state’s power.

And, of course, we have to read about this in a foreign newspaper.

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Nutso News

A few ironic stories in the news:

In Arizona, Republican Gary Kiehne decided that a primary debate was the right place to blurt out that “99 percent of (mass shootings) have been by Democrats pulling their guns out and shooting people.” Two days later he backtracked and said that he shouldn’t have made the remarks without any reservations.

In New Hampshire, police commissioner Bob Copeland loudly called Obama “that fucking nigger” in a restaurant and complained about having to see him on TV. He then refused to apologize, saying:

While I believe the problems associated with minorities in this country are momentous, I am not phobic. My use of derogatory slang in reference to those among them undeserving of respect is no secret. It is the exercise of my 1st Amendment rights… I believe I did use the “N” word in reference to the current occupant of the Whitehouse [sic]. For this I do not apologize – he meets and exceeds my criteria for such.

After Republicans Mitt Romney (who has a vacation home nearby) and Senate candidate Scott Brown sharply criticized Copeland, he finally resigned. Still no word on any apology.

And finally, conservative activist Larry Klayman is calling for a pre-emptive “second American Revolution” in order to prevent Hillary Clinton from becoming president. Klayman believes open insurrection is called for, despite the fact that Clinton hasn’t even announced that she is running, and the election is over two years away. He also compared Clinton unfavorably to Richard Nixon, saying she “would make Nixon look like a saint” and that “whatever his shortcomings, Tricky Dick at least was not a traitor”.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The White House went on lockdown for the second time in three days after someone threw something over the fence. Security was like, ‘Sorry Hillary, you’re going to have to wait two and a half more years to move your stuff in. You can’t just toss it over the fence.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.” – Seth Meyers

“A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, ‘Wow, he’s been to ALL of ’em?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, ‘This is what we have been training for, people! Let’s go!'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, ‘We’re OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.’ They hate them that much.” – Conan O’Brien

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Violent Thoughts

Ironically, while gun violence in the US has dropped significantly, most Americans think gun violence has gone up.

In under 20 years, since its peak in the 1990s, gun violence has nearly been cut in half. The number of killings due to guns dropped 39% between 1993 and 2011, while gun crimes that weren’t fatal dropped 69%. Even so, guns are still the most popular way to kill someone in the US – two out of three murders in the US used guns (in the same time period). The US still has a higher murder rate than most developed countries and has more guns per capita than any other country.

But when surveyed, only 12% of Americans think gun violence has gone down in the last two decades. 26% said it has stayed the same, and 56% thought it had increased.

There are many explanations of why gun violence has gone down. Some researchers think it is due to the declining popularity of crack cocaine. Others link it to the reduction of lead in gasoline, which is known to increase aggression and impulsive behavior. Others point to surging incarceration rates.

So why do only 12% of Americans think gun crime has gone down, when it has dropped significantly? Who benefits from us being scared?

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Late Night Political Humor

“Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, ‘Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m. Please leave.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, ‘I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, ‘Uh … that was also rehab.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you’re probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“Monica Lewinsky is breaking her silence about her affair with Bill Clinton for a new essay in Vanity Fair. In the essay, she actually says, ‘it’s time to burn the beret, bury the blue dress, and move on.’ And Americans said, ‘Yeah, we did 15 years ago. Where have you been?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien

‘The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: ‘It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here.’ Although the report might have more impact if they didn’t release it RIGHT when the weather got nice.’ – Jimmy Fallon

‘The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But it probably won’t be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. ‘I think we need another Meineke in our town! I drive by and there’s cars on all four lifts.'” – Jimmy Fallon

‘A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, ‘What do I have to do? What do you want from me?” – Conan O’Brien

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A Rock and a Hard Place

It is almost enough to make you feel sorry for Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Senate minority leader. Almost, but not quite.

On one side, the Republican politician and former Kentucky senator who gave McConnell his first job in politics, says that McConnell has betrayed the people of Kentucky by mounting a crusade to repeal Obamacare. Why, back when McConnell was fresh out of law school, Senator Marlow Cook remembers how McConnell “worked and worked hard” to pass the Equal Rights Amendment for women, was skeptical about the Vietnam War, and was even inspired by Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement.

But now Cook has slammed McConnell for trying to kill Obamacare. He says: “If he had any knowledge of the lack of health and medical facilities in the hills of Kentucky, he’d know it’s a problem we need to solve. For Mitch McConnell to decide the new health program is not good for Kentucky — it tells me he’s not looking out for his own constituency.”

Cook goes on: “I don’t know what Mitch is doing. If he thinks this whole thing should be killed, it’s an awful crap shoot. Instead of stopping [Obamacare], they should be correcting the things in the bill that need correcting. But to say it should be killed? I know what the real, real conservative Republicans want. They would love to get rid of Medicare. They would love to get rid of Social Security.”

On the other side, McConnell is being challenged from the right by even more conservative Republican Matt Bevin. Naturally, Bevin also wants to kill Obamacare.

But here is where it gets ironic. At a campaign stop on Monday, Bevin told his audience that after leaving a job “My wife and I literally didn’t have health care for about a year because of a pre-existing condition.” That’s right, Bevin himself was denied health care coverage because of a pre-existing condition, a problem that the Affordable Care Act fixed.

So what was this pre-existing condition that cost Bevin his health insurance? Why, it wasn’t a condition at all. It was because Bevin and his wife adopted a child. That’s right, Bevin couldn’t get health insurance for his entire family because he adopted a child. In fact, Bevin has adopted four children from Ethiopia, something for which he and his wife should be lauded.

Despite practically being a poster child for the benefits of Obamacare, Bevin told the crowd that he remains committed to “100 percent repeal”. Even though 400,000 Kentuckians have gotten health care coverage through Obamacare, resulting in a 40 percent drop in people without health insurance in the state.

What will the Republicans do if they take over the Senate in the upcoming mid-term election? Once they have the votes in both the House and the Senate, will they really go nuclear and repeal Obamacare? Obviously, Obama would veto any such attempt, but it still would be costly to them politically, since by then Obamacare will be even more popular. But if they don’t repeal it, will challenges from ultra-conservatives like Bevin cause them even more problems?

Maybe, or maybe not. As the Washington Post notes, in the upcoming primaries next Tuesday, not a single Tea Party candidate is predicted to win.

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Republican Imaging

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Besides making fun of Sean Hannity and his brief bromance with Cliven Bundy, one has to wonder at the people that conservatives, Republicans, and Fox News promote as shining examples of America. I mean, Sarah Palin was bad enough (and made even worse by actually picking her to run for vice president), and then there was Joe the Plumber (who was neither named Joe nor a plumber). And now a publicity-seaking rancher who mooches off the government, talks about a violent range war, and turns out to be a blatant racist.

Who’s next?

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Late Night Political Humor

“This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie – while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ is eight seconds long. You sit down and it’s over.” – Conan O’Brien

“On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that’s what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn’t able to eat for 24 hours.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito.” – David Letterman

“It’s Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico’s Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn’t. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone’s fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the day that French armies were defeated at the Battle of Puebla by drunk blond girls in sombreros.” – Seth Meyers

“That is what’s great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it’s not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Michelle Obama’s brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.” – Conan O’Brien

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Network Neutrality Explained

Finally! Someone came up with a simple explanation of why network neutrality is important (even vital). David Auerbach, in Slate, makes an excellent analogy:

In the late 1990s, the deregulation of the California utilities—which forced them to sell off their power supplies to independent electricity wholesalers—proved to be a disaster. The magic hand of the market was supposed to bring down energy fees for all. What happened instead was that “efficient markets” turned out to be nothing of the sort. In 2000, market manipulation, artificial scarcity created by shutting down power plants to reduce supply, and deliberately inferior service resulted in blackouts and brownouts, an 800 percent rise in energy prices, and lucrative profiteering by Enron. Southern California Edison and Pacific Gas and Electric went bankrupt, and the whole crisis cost somewhere upward of $40 billion.

Electricity wholesalers such as Enron are akin to Internet service providers such as Time Warner and Comcast in important ways. The electricity wholesalers had incentives to starve the energy market in order to extract greater fees from utilities and consumers. ISPs have similar incentives to manipulate their bandwidth in order to extract fees from websites (such as Netflix and YouTube), as well as not build out any infrastructure that would make bandwidth cheaper or make your Internet faster.

This is, in fact, what is already happening.

Auerbach goes on to give concrete examples of this. Large ISPs are deliberately creating “bandwidth brownouts” until they get paid off, sort of like a data protection racket. “You’ve got a nice internet there. Shame if anything should happen to it.”

Over at Vox, Matthew Yglesias provides even more proof that broadband carriers are deliberately creating scarcity, and then lying about it. The industry claims that broadband investment is going up, but in reality it is going down. Way down.

Meanwhile, ISPs are launching a PR campaign to shamelessly scare you away from supporting net neutrality. As Brad Reed on BGR puts it, the ISPs had a good thing going — including former cable lobbyist as head of the FCC — but they couldn’t help themselves and got greedy. Now they are facing a backlash.

Who will win? It is hard to say, but it is clear that the only thing that will keep our internet free is continued pressure from us. Because the big ISPs like Comcast and Time Warner sure don’t care about their customers.

UPDATE: The EFF has created a website DearFCC.org that makes it easy to tell the FCC how you feel about net neutrality.

UPDATE 2: The FCC has approved a plan that will end net neutrality, by allowing telecoms to charge content providers extra for faster service.

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Blowing Hot Air

Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio in a new interview says

I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it. And I do not believe that the laws that they propose we pass will do anything about it. Except it will destroy our economy.

PolitiFact looks at the evidence, and says that Rubio is lying.

What is ironic is that Rubio represents Florida, a state that is particularly vulnerable to climate change. Research shows that Miami and Tampa will almost certainly be flooded by rising sea levels, brought on by rapid melting of the Antarctic ice sheets. I wonder what that will do to Florida’s economy.

And hypocritically, even though Rubio seems willing to deny the vast amount of science behind climate change, he seems only too willing to make claims without any evidence at all that doing something about it will destroy our economy.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, it’ll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. ‘Oooh, I hope the secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is wearing Valentino.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The political scene in Washington one of few places I’ve seen that’s more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.” – Craig Ferguson

“After taking a leave of absence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently going to rehab in Chicago. That’s right, he’s headed to the Second City. As in, ‘the second city where he’ll be caught with crack.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now Rob Ford is going to rehab. He didn’t necessarily want to go to rehab but he has to go to rehab because he promised he would go to rehab. It’s like a George Clooney engagement.” – David Letterman

“Lawmakers in Illinois have started a new push to legalize recreational marijuana in the state. Rob Ford said, ‘Looks like I got here just in time!'” – Jimmy Fallon

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