Political Irony

“Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy – then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama had lunch with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, ‘After phoning my top advisers, I think I’ll run for office.’ And the president said, ‘I know. I listened in.'” – Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I’m not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, ‘Thank you very – wait, what?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals.” – Seth Meyers

“Marijuana dispensaries in San Jose, California, will give out free weed to people who vote in tomorrow’s municipal election. Which should backfire when the winner of the election is ‘Pizza’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It’s half Rob Ford, half McRib.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I’m starting to think maybe it’s the car that has the problem.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This Rob Ford is something else. His car gets pulled over for DUI even when he’s not in it. It’s over. The machines have won. I mean, for God’s sake, Rob Ford’s Cadillac Escalade is drunk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that’s just selling lava lamps at Spencer’s Gifts.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Fans of ‘The Price is Right’ got angry at President Obama yesterday because a speech he was giving interrupted the show. So let me fill them in on what they missed: Three people you don’t know got called down, and they were extremely happy about it. That’s all you missed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The organizing committee for the 2016 Olympics in Rio just announced that 38 percent of the venues are completed. When asked if they’d be done in time for the Summer Games, Rio said, ‘Wait – SUMMER games?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named Steve.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study.” – David Letterman

“Why would [Hillary Clinton] run? In the past month, she faced new Benghazi allegations, the return of Monica Lewinsky, Karl Rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the White House by sleeping with the president. A lie? Probably.” – Stephen Colbert

“A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn’t that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living.” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.” – Conan O’Brien

“The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, ‘Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him.” – Seth Meyers

“Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ‘We’ve been expecting you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House.” – Bill Maher

“The new ‘Godzilla’ opens this weekend. They’re finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule – like Obama’s second term.” – David Letterman

“Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security.” – Seth Meyers

“New Rule: Now that Clay Aiken’s opponent in the Democratic primary for Congress died after a ‘accidental fall down the stairs’, the Republican Aiken will face next might want to consider dropping out. Because this is Clay Aiken we’re talking about. And apparently Clay Aiken is going to take what Clay motherfuckin’ Aiken wants. Which might explain why every single face he’s ever made looks like a guy who just pushed someone down the stairs.” – Bill Maher