Political Irony

“A Tea Party candidate won Virginia’s Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state’s slogan from ‘Virginia is for lovers’ to ‘Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'” – Conan O’Brien

“House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?” – David Letterman

“While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, ‘That’s all?'” – David Letterman

“Oh no! Congress’s current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over.” – Jon Stewart (on pundit predictions that the defeat of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor will make it impossible for Republicans to cooperate with Democrats)

“The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, ‘Is that position still available?'” – Seth Meyers

“For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving.” – David Letterman

“President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte.” – Seth Meyers

“The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners.” – David Letterman

“President Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee – the Kenyan Socialist.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he’s used to people ignoring him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In her new memoir, Hillary Clinton said the Obama campaign wanted her to attack Sarah Plain. So did her husband Bill, but only because he loves a good cat fight.” – Conan O’Brien

“Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won’t make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said, ‘New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president ‘by the end of the year.’ Specifically, the year 1998.” – Seth Meyers

“This week Hillary Clinton launches the tour for her new book. When he heard, Bill Clinton said, ‘I’m so proud of her, and what day exactly is she leaving?'” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview she said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state. Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama faced some criticism for chewing gum during a D-Day ceremony. He said, ‘Sorry, but if I don’t get my Nicorette, there’s going to be another war on this beach.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: ‘The CIA is now following you.'” – Seth Meyers

“Vladimir Putin’s personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there’s one country that’s definitely going to start World War III, it’s Finland.” – Seth Meyers

“Something happened this week that in the past was always completely not controversial, we brought home a prisoner of war. Bowe Bergdahl is his name, from the Afghanistan war. Of course if you saw Fox News, you saw what really happened: Obama surrendered to the Taliban.” – Bill Maher

“It was a tough week for conservatives because, you know, on the one hand they love the military and soldiers, but they hate Obama. So at first, FOX News was like, ‘We don’t want to weigh in until all the facts were distorted.'” –Bill Maher

“I’m kidding, of course. They weighed in right away. And the conclusion they came to is if there is one inviolate, eternal, etched-in-stone rule, which is that we never leave an American solider behind in war, unless Obama does it and then of course it’s a stupid, horrible thing to do.” – Bill Maher

“Exactly right. Good presidents, people like George Bush, he sends people to war. They don’t bring them home and rescue them. This is America, we rescue insurance companies and banks.” – Bill Maher

“We don’t trade terrorists for hostages. We trade arms for hostages. But there are of course aspects of this story that are actually controversial. Like this guy may very well have been a deserter, which is not good. You just can’t pick up and leave in the middle of your job. You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin, she was all over this story, attacking this Bowe Bergdahl guy because, you know, she found out through reports, we don’t really know this, that he has trouble now speaking English. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.” – Bill Maher

“Of course he has trouble speaking English. You know, he was five years around nobody else who speaks English. Sarah, what’s your excuse?” – Bill Maher

“I mean, come on, cut this guy some slack. When you spend five years in captivity it can make a man do some crazy things, like when McCain picked you!” – Bill Maher

“Look, whatever happened over there in Afghanistan, we’re not going to find out or really know for a while. He will spend weeks, they say, recovering and then months until he can get an appointment at the VA.” – Bill Maher

“The other controversial aspect of this, and it is controversial, is that Obama did kind of did do it illegally. You are supposed to give Congress 30 days notice, but the administration says their excuse for that is that Bergdahl’s life was in immediate danger. And that’s just because the Taliban were driving a GM truck.” – Bill Maher

“Guns aren’t just a tool of last resort. They’re awesome. That’s why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren’t just firearm enthusiasts — you’re ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You’re taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama says that the United States never leaves soldiers behind. But that’s because we never leave.” – David Letterman

“This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he’s now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn’t get into a VA hospital until 2020.” – David Letterman

“When asked about criticism from Hillary Clinton, Russia’s President Putin said he doesn’t like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or else ladies he’s the perfect catch.” – Conan O’Brien

“We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody’s gone crazy. People say it’s the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS.” – David Letterman

“These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they’re released and they get to fly home. And I’m thinking, if you go to the airport and you’re stuck behind these guys in security, good luck.” – David Letterman

“When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel.” – David Letterman

“French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, ‘You’ll figure it out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona’s governor immediately deported him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.” – David Letterman

“I don’t want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you’d like him just-f*cking-fine.” – Jon Stewart (reacting to “Fox and Friends” cohost Brian Kilmeade’s criticism of the father of freed American POW Bowe Bergdahl)

“The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.” – Seth Meyers

“I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is in Poland. He’s not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It’s kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you’re getting attacked, right?” – Craig Ferguson

“Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.” – Jimmy Fallon

“CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.” – Seth Meyers