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Late Night Political Humor

“U.S. intelligence now says that the Malaysian flight was definitely taken down by Russian separatists. But those Russians, they stick with that Soviet propaganda shit. Putin said today ‘no, it’s because one of the passengers turned on their cell phones. Either that or Pussy Riot shot it down.'” – Bill Maher

“There’s a twelve hour cease fire in the Middle East; otherwise known as reloading.” – Bill Maher

“The Palestinian leaders have called for a Day of Rage. In Los Angeles we also have a day of rage; that is when you’re trying to drive when Obama is in town.” – Bill Maher

“But you know what? Hollywood liberals, they are still crazy in love with him. Even when his motorcade turns the freeway into a parking lot, they’re like, ‘That was the most inspirational traffic jam ever. The way all the cars came together…'” – Bill Maher

“They are really debating the firing squad right now. Of course there are a lot of people on the other side who say this is cruel and unusual. Cruel and unusual? This is America. What’s more usual than getting shot?” –Bill Maher (on the debate over the death penalty and botched executions)

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Business is Booming

Ted Rall
© Ted Rall

Despite the economic recovery, 35% of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collections agencies. That’s because most of the recovery has been funneled to the richest. But at least there is one business that is booming.

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Benghazi!

The House Intelligence Committee, which is led by Republicans, has concluded that there was no deliberate wrongdoing by the Obama administration in the 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans.

So, does anyone believe that Fox News will actually shut up about Benghazi now?

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday, a judge said that Obamacare is an acceptable substitute for state-run health insurance. He actually said that, ‘It’s just like Domino’s being a substitute for Pizza Hut.’ Then, Americans said, ‘Well, either way, it’s taken you guys way longer than 30 minutes to deliver it, so give us our free healthcare.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino’s. I’m not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked.” – Seth Meyers

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced plans to send 1,000 National Guard troops to increase security. If you really want to slow down the flow of illegal immigrants, send the TSA.” – Seth Meyers

“Instead of us sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let’s turn off the lights and pretend America’s not home. So the kids move on to the next house – Canada.” – Stephen Colbert

“A new investigation found that people are using fake ID’s to sign up for Obamacare. I’m sorry, but today’s teenagers do not know how to party.” – Conan O’Brien

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Immigration Irony

An amazing story is unfolding in Washington. Just before the start of the August recess, the GOP wasn’t able to come up with the votes to pass even their tremendously watered down immigration bill to clean up the humanitarian crisis at the border caused by the influx of children from Central America. So the Republican leadership cancelled the vote. And Congress started to go home for the August recess (mostly to campaign for the upcoming elections).

Then they realized that by canceling the vote, Republicans would likely be blamed for the mess in the upcoming election. So they called everybody (including some Congress-critters who were already at the airport) back to The Hill. But conservatives are still unwilling to compromise.

So here’s where the irony happens. Tired of conservative Republicans blocking even halfhearted responses to the crisis, the GOP leadership then issued a statement calling on Obama to take steps on his own to address the border issue, without congressional approval:

There are numerous steps the President can and should be taking right now, without the need for congressional action, to secure our borders and ensure these children are returned swiftly and safely to their countries.

Yes, they hypocritically did this with a straight face, just one day after voting to sue him for doing exactly the same thing they are now asking him to do.

It only took a few minutes for the White House to respond with a tweet: “By pulling their own bill, the House GOP once again proves why the President must act on his own to solve problems.”

And then a longer statement:

The President can’t do as much as Congress could do in terms of addressing some of these problems, but we’re gonna figure out what exactly the law will allow the President to do and we’re going to do as much as possible within the confines of the law to address a problem whose solution Republicans in Congress continue to actively block.

Even Republican members of the House were bewildered. Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK) said “Look, you can’t say on the one hand that the president is overreaching by acting without legislative authority and direction and then refuse to give him legislative authority and direction in another area.”

It seems that it was only recently that people were talking about the GOP taking over the Senate and increasing their majority in the House, but even the massive gerrymandering they did after the 2010 census can’t save them from shooting themselves in their collective feet.

I guess we can say that this borders on idiocy.

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Why This Gridlock is Different

NBC has an interesting article “A New Kind of Gridlock: Why Congress Is More Broken Than Ever“. I’m usually skeptical about articles like this, because we are always seeing people claim that things are getting worse, when in general, things are actually getting mostly better. The number of wars is going down, tolerance for other races and sexual identities is going up, we are getting rid of stupid victimless laws, like the ones that were putting people in jail just for smoking marijuana.

But the article does make a good point. Here’s the first paragraph:

Yes, Congress has typically been divided over ideology (liberal vs. conservative) or geography (North vs. South, big states vs. small ones). And, yes, partisan flare-ups in the summer of an election year are hardly new. But here is why this Congress appears more broken than past ones: It can’t even seem to do the small, bipartisan things anymore. Case in point is the legislative dysfunction surrounding the responses to 1) the unaccompanied minors crossing the U.S.-Mexico border, and 2) reforming the VA hospitals across the country. Almost every member — Democratic or Republican — said the situation at the border was a humanitarian crisis that needed a response. But passing emergency spending (between $2 to $4 billion in aid) has become such a difficult lift, and looks less likely by the day. Last month, every member of Congress said VA hospitals needed to better serve veterans, and the Senate (by a 93-3 vote) and House (426-0) passed legislation to reform these hospitals. But they’ve been unable to come together in a conference committee to reconcile the two bills. Folks, we’re not talking about overhauling the nation’s health-care system, enacting comprehensive immigration reform, raising taxes, or changing entitlement programs — all of which have sparked fierce ideological battles in the past. We’re talking about the small stuff, actions that either have near-universal support or that cost relative drops in the federal budget. That’s why this gridlock is different.

And indeed, even the Wall Street Journal is pointing out that as Congress adjourns for the entire month of August, they have accomplished almost nothing so far.

As an executive at a public affairs firm put it “We’ve reached the point in Washington where compromise is the equivalent of collaborating with the enemy,” thanks in part to election-year dynamics. “You’ve got everybody jockeying for position and they’d rather have issues than solutions.”

When did win-win become a filthy word in Washington?

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Late Night Political Humor

“I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he’s made of wood.” – Seth Meyers

“Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.” – Craig Ferguson

“Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.” – Craig Ferguson

“You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water.” – Conan O’Brien

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The Angry Echo Chamber

Stephen Colbert is brilliant, just brilliant:

Yes, that’s twice this week I’ve done postings about Sarah Palin. But I have an explanation: with all the mess and bad news both internationally and domestically, we need some comic relief.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, ‘Because he’d make me look AMAZING.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden ‘would be a superb president.’ In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.” – Seth Meyers

“NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won’t send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops.” – Conan O’Brien

“Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, ‘So, vat do you think?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Kennedy said let’s put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut.” – David Letterman

“When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: ‘Out of my way, Buzz!’ Whack!” – David Letterman

“I heard that Rob Ford’s nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: ‘I’m adopted!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word ‘poll’.” – Seth Meyers

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What’s Wrong with American Business

You can’t get a much better example of why American business sucks.

Forbes magazine just published an article “5 Reasons Why You Should Admire Comcast“. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was satire, but it isn’t.

First, the article is so full of misinformation it isn’t even funny.

Like one of their reasons to admire Comcast is because they have made lots of money while “waging war on competitors like Time Warner”. Hmmm, so that’s why when Comcast recently applied for federal permission to merge with Time Warner they claimed that it was OK because Time Warner is not a competitor because their service areas don’t overlap.

Or when the article spins the recording that went viral of one of Comcast’s customer-service representatives who the article admits was a “over-zealous, super-aggressive maniac”. But they spin this example of extremely bad customer service to try to claim that “Comcast stands behind their employees” because they “defended him, saying that he was only doing what he was trained to do”. Well, except that Comcast didn’t defend the employee in public. That statement was internal and was leaked to Consumerist by other disgruntled employees. Or as Consumerist put it:

If your only evidence of Comcast “standing behind its employees” is a memo that was leaked by employees who don’t feel supported by the company, you’re standing on shaky ground.

Second, the article paints an incredible picture of what is wrong with American business. They applaud because “Comcast is a ruthless, competitive, take no prisoners tech company… and good for them.” Their evidence of this? “They are employing teams of lobbyists, marketing experts and PR consultants whose job is to persuade us that the growth of their company is good for America and not anti-competitive.” Is this what we see as a successful, admirable company? Yes, this article even praises Comcast because “They are fighting the net neutralists, battling the press” all while not really competing against Time Warner and Verizon.

But the really ironic part is this:

We hate them because of their success and power over us. And we’re jealous of them – just like we’re jealous of the reach, power and success of Microsoft, Apple, Google and the like. But I have to admit – I admire their success. … Aren’t they the example of what a successful tech company is all about?

Again as Consumerist points out, Comcast operates a regional monopoly. Unlike Comcast:

Consumers aren’t told “you must have an iPhone if you live in this ZIP code” or “your only choice for video game consoles in this city is Xbox.”

Most customers of Comcast have no alternatives for cable or high-speed internet. This is competition?

And this is also an indictment of American media. Why did Forbes print this? Did Comcast pay them? Is a monopoly that overcharges their customers, gives them bad service, and then treats them extremely poorly their idea of what business should be? I hope not, because if it is we are asking for trouble.

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I wish the mainstream media was this aware

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

I look forward to seeing panel four more often, on the real news.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israelis agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food – how Jewish is that? ‘We’re going to attack you, but first you should eat.'” – Bill Maher

“Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Americans who couldn’t get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn’t mean that we’re not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It’s a giant bore. Involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy, and what could go wrong with that?” – Bill Maher

“Rupert Murdoch – the guy that owns FOX News – is wanting to buy Time Warner – which owns HBO – in which case you could kiss my ass goodbye. Yes, welcome to ‘Real Time with Bill O’Reilly’.” – Bill Maher

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Hillary Clinton

I was recently invited to attend a private event, a live interview with Hillary Clinton followed by her answering questions from the audience.

I had to think about it. I was never a huge fan of Bill Clinton’s presidency, and Hillary was a full partner in that.

I was also dismayed by some of her tactics during the 2008 Democratic primary against Barack Obama. Not just that she ran a very aggressive campaign against him, but that she seemed to take it very personally, and by all accounts (even hers) had a hard time getting over it afterwards. I always prefer it when politicians are like athletes who compete aggressively with each other in sports but don’t make it personal so they can be friends off the court.

I also lived in England during the time of Margaret Thatcher, and she always seemed to need to overcome any perceived female weakness by playing the roll of the “Iron Lady”, outdoing the men in aggression and warmongering. Hillary Clinton’s behavior during the primary reminded me of that, and I always worried that if she was elected, if she would do the same thing as president.

On the other hand, I am fairly sure that Clinton will be our next president (who else has any chance? And despite her coyness she is definitely running) so it would be a good thing to find out more about her. Plus I really enjoyed meeting Barack Obama and his wife Michelle (I even got to shake their hands, although I never got to talk with them personally).

So I went.

I’m really glad I did. I left impressed by her. She is not the same person she was when she was First Lady, nor the same person who ran for president in 2008. She is less ambitious and competitive, but more capable and statesmanlike. She answered every question thoughtfully (a few answers were a bit longwinded, but they were complex issues being discussed). I never felt, as I have sometimes in the past, that she was telling us the answer she thought we wanted to hear, or was giving us a politically expedient answer. The interview was almost completely free of sound bites.

I now think she will make a very good president.

If she had won the Democratic primary in 2008 I probably would have voted for her, but I think she will make a far better president now than she would have back then. She really seems to care more about the issues and about solving problems, than about political gain. She may be older, but she is definitely wiser, and she more easily commands respect. The occasional shrillness is completely gone, and she is more sure of herself.

Not only is Clinton more ready, I think the US is more ready. I think she has a much better chance of winning the presidency this time than she did back in 2008. Unfortunately, it is still more acceptable in our country to be sexist than racist, which worked to Obama’s favor during his presidential campaign. If Clinton had been the Democratic candidate, I think it would have been easier for Republicans to attack her all out. Plus they could attack her for the things they didn’t like about Bill’s presidency. And those attacks would have worked back then. However, the Republicans have been attacking everyone for so long and in ways that are so bat-shit crazy, I think most people aren’t listening to them any more. Especially the all-important independent voters; in fact pretty much everyone except for the die-hard Republican base, who would never vote for Clinton anyway. So I am confident she can win.

So that leaves one final question. We have never had a woman president before, so we don’t have a title for the First Spouse. Instead of the “First Lady” would he be the “First Laddie”? Or just “Bill”? Clinton admitted that she liked the term “First Mate”. Aye aye!

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

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Late Night Political Humor

“This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, ‘Hey, my record slurs for itself.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. Now he’s thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking ‘Real Housewives of the Vatican?'” – David Letterman

“I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?” – David Letterman

“Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides ‘mostly respected’ the cease-fire. That’s like leaving the house without pants and saying you’re ‘mostly dressed’.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden’s bedtime.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. ‘We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today’s presidential lunch update.'” – David Letterman

“Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID.” – Seth Meyers

“A federal judge ruled yesterday that California’s version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California’s version has avocado on it.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. ‘Cities just aren’t equipped to deal with it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Shadows

Amber Butler
© Amber Butler

Someone I don’t know sent me this comic that she had drawn. It is not only quite good, but came at a time when I’ve been having conversations with various people about what is going on in the Middle East (mostly Gaza, Israel, Syria, Iraq, and Iran). About the only thing we all agree on is that we don’t see the problems resolving themselves any time soon. Any time a local problem becomes a focus of global interests, it is difficult to resolve on any level. Throw in religious fervor and it becomes almost impossible.

But I still have hope. After all, For a long time there was an eerily similar situation in Northern Ireland. Many thought that would never be resolved, but it did happen. I hope something similar can happen in the Middle East.

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