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Late Night Political Humor

“Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country – which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rumor has it that Texas Gov. Rick Perry badly wants to run in the next presidential race. You can tell Perry’s behind it because they’re starting to make signs that says ‘Perry 2017’.” – Conan O’Brien

“It looks like Rick Perry’s chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, ‘One down, four more to go’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama was on a two-week break with his family and had to cut it short by two days, had to go back to Washington. I’m thinking: you spend two weeks with your family, you’re going to need a two-day break. Am I right?” – David Letterman

“A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don’t use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama. He’s on vacation again!” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House.” – David Letterman

“Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, ‘You sure man?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“David Gregory, a longtime newsman over at NBC news, is no longer the host of ‘Meet the Press’. He took over for Tim Russert, and now they just booted him. They just kicked him right out the door. He’s following a trail I blazed at NBC.” – David Letterman

“David Gregory is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names.” – David Letterman

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Dope Saves Lives

A study just published in the Internal Medicine Journal of the American Medical Association finds that states that have legalized medical marijuana have 25% fewer deaths caused by overdoses of prescription drugs. The reduction in deaths occurred directly following the legalization of medical marijuana.

According to the lead author of the study: “We think that people with chronic pain may be choosing to treat their pain with marijuana rather than with prescription painkillers, in states where this is legal.”

Other studies have had similar results. This is probably caused by the fact that the occurrence of addiction is significantly lower with medical marijuana than with prescription painkillers, overdose is virtually unheard of, and there has never been a medically documented case of death from smoking marijuana.

This is just one more example the insanity of the years of classifying marijuana as a Schedule 1 drug, which does not allow any medical use. As marijuana was originally made illegal back when it was a popular drug with Blacks and Mexicans, I can only surmise that this was caused by pure, unadulterated racism. Even today, blacks are four times more likely to be arrested for possession of marijuana than whites, even though both groups use the drug at similar rates.

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Children?

Shannon Wheeler© Shannon Wheeler

Maybe we shouldn’t let the police in Ferguson play cops and robbers either.

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Three’s a Trend!

Three law enforcement officers (from three different police departments) involved in the Ferguson events have been suspended because of their extremely racist words and actions. How extreme? Here are some examples, courtesy of New York magazine:

St. Louis County officer Dan Page appears in a video posted to YouTube of an hour long speech he gave to the Oath Keepers, where he calls black people “little perverts”, Obama “that illegal alien claiming to be president”, gay people “sodomites”, Muslims “they will kill you”. But most troubling is his attitude toward killing:

I personally believe in Jesus Christ as my lord savior, but I’m also a killer. I’ve killed a lot. And if I need to, I’ll kill a whole bunch more. If you don’t want to get killed, don’t show up in front of me, it’s that simple. I have no problem with it. God did not raise me to be a coward.

Officer Page originally gained notoriety because he pushed CNN anchor Don Lemon while he was reporting live during a demonstration in Ferguson.

Next is Officer Matthew Pappert who works for the Glendale Police Department, which operates near where Michael Brown was killed by the police. After the protests started, Pappert started posting racist remarks to his Facebook page, including “These protesters should have been put down like a rabid dog the first night.” Pappert also called the demonstrators “a burden on society and a blight on the community” and “thugs” and suggested that “a Muslim with a backpack” deal with them somehow.

Last but not least is St. Ann Police Department officer Ray Albers, who came to fame for pointing a semi-automatic assault rifle at protestors in front of the media, to whom he threatened “I will fucking kill you”. When asked for his name by a reporter whom he had just shoved, he responded “Go fuck yourself.”

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Late Night Political Humor

“A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, ‘Been there!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I’m not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House says President Obama won’t make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters said, ‘Isn’t THAT an announcement?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Oh this isn’t good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, ‘Are you sure this isn’t something a seven-dollar bill can’t get me out of?'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Let the War Mongering Begin

How does war mongering work? Well, first you plant the seeds of fear.

So it is hardly any surprise that presidential candidate and governor of Texas Rick Perry told an audience at the conservative Heritage Foundation in DC that it is a “very real possibility” that terrorists from the extremest group ISIS may have crossed into the US at the southern border. He did add that he has absolutely no evidence to support this, but the point he made is that as long as the border is insecure “individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be” taking advantage of the situation. “We need to have clear and compelling forces, both law and enforcement and otherwise, to send the message that the border is secure.”

Of course, making a border as long and isolated as the US southern border completely secure is completely impossible. And even if you could, how would you stop a terrorist-filled boat from landing anywhere on our extensive coastlines? It just reminds me of Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative (“Star Wars”) that threw hundreds of billions of dollars at defense contractors to guard against a threat that turned out to be a tempest in a teapot.

Perry went on to call for a stronger response to ISIS, including even more airstrikes. “When they talk about limited airstrikes, they place a great emphasis on the word ‘limited,’ yet clearly more airstrikes are necessary. Nothing less than a sustained air campaign to degrade and destroy ISIS forces is required.” And when asked by a reporter if he would support combat troops on the ground, Perry responded “all your options have to be open”.

The message of fear was amplified by a member of the Republican National Committee, who on her radio show said that the children from Central America coming across our border could be “highly trained as warriors who will meet up with their group here and actually rise up against us as Americans.” Her guest, a member of the Tea Party, agreed: “We do know that Hamas and Hezbollah run several training camps in Venezuela and other South American countries, and they are training these young – these youths – beginning as early as 8 or 9 years old through the MS13 gangs. They are being trained as warriors, you’re absolutely right.”

While I have a great deal of sympathy for the opinion that when we invaded Iraq (based on lies and misinformation), we broke it and now we have responsibility for fixing it. But the real question is what can we do that won’t merely make the situation worse?

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Front or Back

Victor White was arrested in Louisiana on drug charges. But what happened next is confusing, to say the least.

According to the Sheriff’s office, White – even though his hands were handcuffed behind his back – somehow managed to pull out a handgun he had hidden in his pants and then shot himself in the back.

That’s weird enough, but the autopsy performed by the Coroner’s Office claims that the cause of death was a gunshot wound to the chest. Yes, somehow White managed to shoot himself in the chest, even though his hands were tied behind his back.

Meanwhile, the death was ruled a suicide. State police have stated that the gun used to kill White is not a weapon carried by the Sheriff’s officer.

Curiouser or curiouser.

My question is, given what has been going on with the police lately, do you believe their version of the story?

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as the name, ‘Recep Tayyip Erdogan’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a luxury Middle Eastern airline that’s going to start offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchenette, and shower. United Airlines says you can enjoy the same amenities if you cancel your flight and stay home.” – Conan O’Brien

“To commemorate the 25th anniversary of ‘Field of Dreams,’ the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, ‘If you build it … I will come.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he’ll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Fox News medical expert Dr. Keith Ablow told viewers that Michelle Obama needs to drop a few. So I think there’s a good chance Michelle Obama is going to drop Dr. Keith Ablow.” – Seth Meyers

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Getting the Business

I love it when Republicans try to get the Hispanic vote.

In a political ad run by Florida Governor Rick Scott, small businessman Maikel Duarte-Torres gives the gov a hug and says:

Four years ago, the economy was very bad. Rick Scott helped Florida’s economy and you can see the difference. He’s created jobs. That’s why I support Rick Scott. I’m just like him. I’m like the American Dream.

There’s just one problem. Four years ago, Cuban-born Duarte-Torres was convicted of attempting to smuggle Cubans from St. Maarten to Miami. He was the alleged mastermind of the human smuggling ring that operated in several Caribbean islands. Although he was sentenced to two years in jail, he was released after serving only two days because of a lack of room in the local prison.

Yup, that’s the American Dream!

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama went to the beach yesterday while he’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, ‘You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That’s in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he’ll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, ‘Unless someone’s taping me. Then I’ll get caught probably.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren’t addicted to crack.” – Jimmy Fallon

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The Enemy

Jon Kudelka
© Jon Kudelka

Can you tell if this comic is set in Fallujah or Ferguson?

Believe it or not, this comic is actually from 2004, and was depicting a war zone. I guess we brought the war home.

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How to make a person

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

The Supreme Court makes Pinocchio due for a rewrite, now that the easiest way to create a real person is to incorporate. Of course, in the fairy tale, greedy and bad boys are turned into donkeys on Pleasure Island. Too bad that doesn’t happen in real life, or we would have a lot less problems with greedy corporations, especially those that go “offshore” to avoid taxes.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back. He’s opening a new restaurant that will specialize in healthy local food. It’s the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads: ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, No Hats …’ It just keeps going. It’s a long list.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don’t ask to see the special.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama’s foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We’re not sure.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama announced last Thursday night that the U.S. would begin air strikes in Iraq. So in a way, it was the ultimate throwback Thursday. ” – Seth Meyers

“The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen.” – Conan O’Brien

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DMZ?

When you hear the exact same warning from people as divergent as Rand Paul and the CATO Institute, Glenn Greenwald and the ACLU, and even nonpolitical sources like Popular Mechanics, you suspect that you should take the problem seriously.

The problem? The escalating militarization of police departments across the country. Do police still protect citizens, or are they acting more like occupying forces? These people see the police action that is happening in Ferguson MO as frighteningly similar to military action like in Iraq or Afghanistan.

How did this happen? The recent escalation was caused by the post-911 “War on Terror”, which threw advanced military equipment at local police forces, including machine guns, silencers, flash-bang grenades, and even tanks and aircraft. But it had its roots in earlier faux wars, like the “War on Drugs”, the creation of SWAT teams and the introduction of military tactics to routine policing.

A side effect of this, as we are seeing in Ferguson is that police increasingly treat the media as an enemy. This is a recipe for tragedy.

Indeed, even other police chiefs have criticized the aggressive police response in Ferguson, saying “you always have to be careful to walk a fine line not to over-react. Sometimes a big show of force in the beginning may not be the proper way to deal with it.” “Suiting up in riot gear and tossing tear gas is probably the worst way to deal with civil unrest.”

Invariably, escalation on one side invariably leads to escalation on the other. Indeed, Palestinian citizens have been tweeting messages of support to the protestors in Ferguson, including tips on how to deal with tear gas.

There has been some political response, such as a bill to curb the transfer of surplus military equipment to local law enforcement agencies for free, but with arms manufacturers (who have lots of lobbyists) making lots of money from this, it is doubtful anything will happen.

Another problem is the almost complete lack of police accountability. A Wisconsin man whose handcuffed son was shot point-blank in the head by police in front of his wife and daughter reports that the officer who killed his son was cleared of any wrongdoing in 48 hours, without taking statements from eyewitnesses. He also found that “In 129 years since police and fire commissions were created in the state of Wisconsin, we could not find a single ruling by a police department, an inquest or a police commission that a shooting was unjustified.”

UPDATE: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has a powerful essay about what is going on, and what needs to be done: “The Coming Race War Won’t Be About Race”.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha’s Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation – or as that’s also known, a ‘vacation’. If you’ve been on vacation, then you know.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval rating is now at an all-time low. It’s so bad that last night he gave his daughter Sasha a ride to a friend’s house and she asked him to drop her off two blocks away.” – Seth Meyers

“A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, ’60 under par!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last week it was revealed the CIA has been spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is the committee that’s supposed to supervise the CIA. Who do these people think they are? Facebook?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Russian government said Edward Snowden can stay for three more years. Or as Obama put it, ‘Eh, that was gonna be his prison sentence, anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on ‘The Lion King’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Republican congressman has accused Democrats of waging a war on whites. As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle at a Trader Joe’s.” – Conan O’Brien

“Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.” – Seth Meyers

“Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We’re going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know what city Forbes says is the coolest? The No. 1 coolest city in America is Washington, D.C. How did that happen? Did Obama start smoking again?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Forbes bases its rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. Makes sense. In Washington, between Joe Biden and John Boehner alone, it’s like a nonstop Burning Man festival.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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