“Politics: ‘Poli’, a Latin word meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.”
“Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently — and for the same reasons.”
“The Second Amendment: It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’”
(On Canada) “You are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.”
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.”
“Obama, which is an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, God bless us.”
“Where did they get Sarah Palin? . . . Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Posh Spice? It’s like she came from some reality show — ‘Project Running Mate’.”
(On George W. Bush) “People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.”
On the end of the George Bush presidency: “It’s the end of the reign of George the Second. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab.”
(On immigration after Sept 11) “The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’”
(On the American economy) “And you can’t blame the economy on [George W. Bush]. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That’s like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise.”
(On Osama bin Laden) “We can’t find him, but he’s a 6-foot-5 Arab on dialysis. Call me crazy, but look for a guy connected to his luggage.”
“My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution.”
“When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, “Can I use a lifeline?”
“You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.”
“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!
[Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman at About.com]
