Political Irony

Used Tool Purchased for $1.8 Million

[satire by Andy Borowitz]

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A used tool that has been on the market for several months was purchased on Tuesday for the whopping price of $1.8 million.

While it may not have set a new record, the sale price raised eyebrows, with many observers noting that $1.8 million was a lot to pay for this particular tool.

But others defended the purchase, arguing that the tool had been successfully bought and sold many times in the past.

Borowitz is of course talking about Eric Cantor, the former House Majority Leader who somehow managed to lose his Republican primary in what pundits called a shocking upset. He then resigned his seat in Congress in August (not even finishing out his term), and now in early September he is taking a position at investment bank Moelis with a $1.6 million salary plus a million dollar signing bonus.

What is Moelis paying for? Former corporate lawyer Dennis Kelleher tells New York magazine:

Let’s look at Cantor’s résumé. Let’s look at all his investment-banking experience. Let’s look at his capital-markets experience. He has none. He has no experience or skills that would qualify him to be even an intern at a fifth-tier firm in the financial industry. I mean, come on!

They’re paying him a guaranteed — you’ve got to love Wall Street, you guarantee money because you can’t fail on Wall Street — they’re guaranteeing him $3.8 million. You don’t guarantee someone $3.8 million because you’re training him to be an investment banker.

Wall Street is after what it’s always buying in Washington: access, influence, and unfair advantage. And Cantor is a big catch for anybody who wants access. Look, if you’re in congressional leadership for X number of years, you know plenty that’s worth a lot of money. If you’re the majority leader, who’s in charge of the agenda and vote counting? One of your jobs is to make sure you’re doling out favors to people. There are dozens and dozens of House members indebted to Eric Cantor for the things he’s done for them. You’re worth a lot.

In addition, Eric Cantor knows why some things got done and other things didn’t get done. He knows why someone voted for or against a bill or amendment. He knows how to strategically target everybody in the House on the issues that anybody cares about in a way that’s close to unique.

And that, my friends, is what “free speech” (i.e., money) buys in Washington these days.

Senator Elizabeth Warren points out how this infects politics:

It worries me about what happens if people in government are looking for that next job: ‘Yeah I’m working now, not as much money as I could be making, but when I leave here, that’s where I’m headed.’ That ultimately infects whatever it is that they’re doing. I think this is just wrong.

The book “My Parents Open Carry” is about a 13-year-old and her parents “as they spend a typical Saturday running errands and having fun together. What’s not so typical is that Brenna’s parents lawfully open carry handguns for self-defense.”

But the best part are the quotes from editorial reviews, like:

“I’m going to read it to my kids tonight.” – Glenn Beck

“What a beautiful bedtime story…” – Stephen Colbert (link to video)

“Thank heavens! I… lament how closeted gun owners are, and how I seldom hear from them.” – The Washington Post

“…we strongly support providing children with information that will protect them from gun violence…” – Parents Against Gun Violence

Or even better, from customer reviews:

Can’t wait for the sequel, “My Black Parents Open Carried Until the Police Shot Them 146 Times”.

Not quite as compelling as the first book, ‘What Would Jesus Carry?”

If only the title was “My Two Mom’s Open carry” . The Pulitzer would be already decided.

I laughed, I cried …I accidentally shot my mailman in the face

really ties up all the loose ends left by “My Parents Are First Cousins”

Florida is one of the states that refused to expand Medicare coverage for poor people. Instead, last March the Republican-controlled state government created an alternative to Obamacare called Florida Health Choices, and appropriated over $2.5 million to start it up and launch its website.

So, how did that work out for them? So far, six months after the launch, Florida Health Choices has signed up a grand total of 30 people. That’s out of 764,000 people in Florida who are too poor to afford subsidized plans under Obamacare, but can’t qualify for Medicaid because Florida refused expansion.

Florida Health Choices was originally the brainchild of Marco Rubio, back in 2008 when he was the Speaker of the Florida House. When asked if now-Sentor Rubio still suppports Florida Health Choices, his spokesman said he did.

© Shannon Wheeler

Maybe we shouldn’t let the police in Ferguson play cops and robbers either.