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The Simpsons Political Humor

Thursday, October 9, 2014

[political jokes taken from episodes of “The Simpsons”, collected by Daniel Kurtzman]

“Fox News: ‘Not Racist, But #1 With Racists'” – a new logo for Fox News

“Fox News: ‘Unsuitable For Viewers Under 75′” – a new logo for Fox News

Bart Simpson: “Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”
Grampa Simpson: “I figured because the democrats were in power again.”

A mock FOX News crawl: “Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. … Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. … Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. … Dow down 5000 points. … Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. … JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. … Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple. … Dan Quayle: Awesome.”

“Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.” – Mr. Burns

“An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?” – Barney Gumbel

“Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?” – Homer Simpson

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.” – Homer Simpson

“I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.” – Ned Flanders

Todd Flanders: “Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”
Ned Flanders: “Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”

In the Simpsons episode “The Day the Earth Was Stupid” (a spoof of “The War of the Worlds”) two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation:
“The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. “You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”
“Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain. (Watch video clip)

“This doesn’t happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America,” – Homer Simpson (after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama)

Mr. Burns, convening a meeting at the Springfield GOP Headquarters: “Welcome fellow Republicans. To start on new business, brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.”
Hibbert: “All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagan. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.”

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: “Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle-aged indiscretions?”
Mr. Burns: “Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”
Krusty: “Russian hooker, you tell me.”
Burns: “We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”

Reporter: “Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil. Tonight we’ll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield’s 24th congressional district. For the Republicans, beloved children’s entertainer, Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy.”
Armstrong: “I have a name.”
Reporter: “Yes, I’m sure you do comrade. I do appreciate you’re being here, you’re usually so mired in sleaze, it must be an effort to come down to the studio.”

“Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.” – Homer Simpson

“Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!” – Lisa Simpson

“My piggybank is not entitled to TARP funds.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)

“The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan’.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)

“I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag). This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the subliminal message claim during the campaign, in which the word “RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned.

“I am not the acting president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired during the legal contest over the results of the 2000 presidential election

“The president did it is not an excuse.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

“No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

“I am not smarter than the president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), referring to President George W. Bush

“I will not buy a presidential pardon.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

“I will not scare the vice president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition

“It’s potato, not potatoe.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), poking fun at Dan Quayle’s infamous misspelling of potato

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Psychological Plague

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

I keep hearing people freaking out about Ebola.

Please stop. Right now, Ebola is more of a psychological plague than a medical one. And you are helping spread the psychological plague.

And most of the things people say about Ebola are myths that have been debunked.

Let’s get some perspective:

causes of death in Africa

Virtually all of the deaths from Ebola have occurred in countries that have big public health problems, poor sanitation, and sub-standard medical facilities.

There have been 33 outbreaks of Ebola around the world in the past, and every one of them has been contained (even in those countries with big public health problems, poor sanitation, and sub-standard medical facilities).

Your chance of contracting Ebola is virtually zero. Don’t believe me? Watch the Director of Infectious Diseases at the NIH shut down the fear mongering coming from Fox News.

If you want something constructive to freak out about, how about deaths caused by drunk driving? Every year, in the US alone, more than 10,000 people die from car accidents caused by drunk drivers. That’s three times the number, in one year, in one country, than the total number of people who have ever died from Ebola in the whole world. And every one of those is preventable.

Or if you want a really easy way to prevent more than 7000 deaths in the US every year, vote out every single politician who voted against Medicaid expansion.

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

“During President Obama’s visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama actually told the student, ‘No I was born in 1961.’ Then the kid said, ‘Where?’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, next question’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden’s remarks ‘unfortunate’, while Obama calls them ‘a welcomed distraction’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, and also offended Jewish people. Which means he’s one ‘pull my finger’ away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Islamic State is releasing its own ‘Grand Theft Auto’ style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.” – Conan O’Brien

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Trickle down Charity?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Chronicle of Philanthropy has put another nail in the coffin of trickle down economics. Using IRS data from 2006 to 2012, they found that as the US economy has come out of recession, while most of the new income has gone to the richest Americans, those people who earn $200,000 or more have actually reduced the percentage of their income that they give to charity by 4.6%.

Meanwhile, middle and lower income Americans (those who earn less than $100,000) have increased the share that they give to charity by 4.5%, even though on average they earned less.

Bottom line? The rich are earning more, paying less in taxes, and giving a smaller percentage to charity. So what, may I ask, is trickling down?

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

“President Obama hosted a picnic at the White House today for members of Congress. Obama said it was a great opportunity to gather every member of Congress in one place – so he could turn on the sprinklers. Payback!” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House picnic was actually held one year after it was canceled. Last year the president had too much stuff going on to make time for a picnic, whereas now he just doesn’t care anymore.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The official ballot is one line: ‘Should Scotland be an independent country?’ And that’s it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says ‘Yes’?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice’s contract and today they suspended Adrian Peterson’s contract. So now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, ‘I don’t know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Is it Voter Suppression when it happens to Republicans?

Monday, October 6, 2014

Leslie Rutledge is the Republican candidate for Attorney General of Arkansas. In her campaign information, she strongly supports recent changes to voter registration laws in Arkansas, which discriminate against minorities and low-income voters.

Ironically, Rutledge had her voter registration cancelled because she violated the same laws that she supports. She was simultaneously registered in three states. This may possibly cost her the election, because candidates are required to be registered voters in the state.

Now here’s the hypocritical part. Republicans are outraged that she was removed from the voter rolls, calling it voter suppression and a “dirty trick” that was politically motivated.

But when a candidate to be a state’s top lawyer can’t even follow the law properly, you gotta wonder if she is qualified to enforce the same laws that she so vocally supports.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, October 6, 2014

“Bill Clinton gave a speech this weekend. He criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing President Obama. But people from Iowa missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word ‘dissing’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she’s ‘thinking about it’. And next week, she’ll be ‘thinking about it’ when she’s in New Hampshire before she spends a few days ‘thinking about it’ in Florida.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House today came out in support of requiring police officers to wear body cameras at all times. It’s a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players.” – Seth Meyers

“Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It’s expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams.” – Conan O’Brien

“In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Manhattan was jammed with traffic, streets were filled with people wearing strange clothes and yelling in every conceivable language. Then the U.N. got started.” – Craig Ferguson

“The U.N. delegates fan out across Manhattan to take advantage of diplomatic immunity. They do dangerous stuff just because they can, like get speeding tickets. They can even take pictures of Alec Baldwin.” – Craig Ferguson

“This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes ‘yes,’ it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, ‘I got dibs!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course if Scotland does break up with England, it’ll just do what everyone does: Stalk them on Facebook.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Sacred Obligation to Die

Sunday, October 5, 2014

As we all know, politicians and pundits are screaming about ISIS and Ebola, saying that the US has a sacred obligation to do “whatever it takes” to save American lives. That includes committing ground forces to yet another war, building a triple fence around all our borders, surveillance everywhere, travel bans, you name it. All options are on the table no matter the cost.

But the real truth is that neither ISIS nor Ebola are actually a major threat to Americans.

The hypocrisy is that while the total American death toll from ISIS and Ebola combined is less than ten, we refuse to spend any money to solve problems that really are killing us. For example, expanding Medicaid would save around 10,000 lives a year, and yet the same politicians and pundits oppose that because it would cost too much money. They also oppose any laws that promote gun safety, even though 32,000 Americans die from guns annually. Heck, every year 600,000 Americans die from heart disease and yet they oppose programs to fight obesity.

Jon Stewart concludes:

For some reason, in this country we’re only afraid of bad things entering our country, crossing our sacred borders, when our shelves are already so stocked with bad shit. It’s like people are saying “When I die I wanna know my preventable death has a label on it that says ‘Made in America’.”

UPDATE: Speaking about epidemics of deadly diseases, how about the outbreaks of Measles and other diseases, caused by idiots who refuse to vaccinate their children because of philosophical, religious, or personal beliefs:

Measles outbreaks

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Hot Tip

Saturday, October 4, 2014

A number or restaurants are starting to ban tipping, and instead are paying their employees a real, living wage and even providing benefits.

I say it is about time. I wish more restaurants would ban tipping. I think it is evil. Why?

Did you know that the minimum wage for tipped workers (not just waiters) is $2.13 an hour? For a full-time worker, that’s less than $370 a month. What a joke. Adding insult to injury, mandatory tax withholding (based on an assumed level of tips they may not get) normally eats up all of their hourly wages. And the typical lack of benefits makes that even worse – no vacation time, no paid sick days, and no employer provided health insurance.

But wait, you say (pun not intended), doesn’t tipping encourage good service? Well, numerous studies have shown that tipping is almost entirely unrelated to quality of service. A waiter is more likely to get a big tip if they are attractive, especially a young, sexy (i.e., busty) woman, so tipping is sexist and ageist. And white waiters get bigger tips (more than 30% more than black waiters), making it racist as well.

Leaving big tips is really no incentive for better service. In fact, low wages for waiters encourages high turnover, resulting in worse service. Instead, the factor that most influences whether you get good service at a restaurant is whether the waiter is happy at work. And paying them a real wage and benefits is a great way to make them happy.

I lived in New Zealand for a while, where tipping is not prevalent and definitely not expected, and they pay their wait staff real wages. I always received very good service there (but it is hard to tell if that is because server’s lives aren’t dependent on tips, or just because Kiwis are really nice people anyway). One thing they normally did there was if a restaurant was open on a holiday like Christmas, they would add a surcharge (typically 15%) to the bill so they could pay their staff overtime. I think that is great.

It is said that we are moving to a service economy. It is about time we paid all our service workers a real salary and stopped stiffing them.

UPDATE: If this interests you at all, go read this fantastic rant: “The Gratuitous Injustice of American Tipping Culture“.

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Revenge of the O’Reilly

Friday, October 3, 2014

Bill O’Reilly proposes creating a huge mercenary army to fight against ISIS. In character, Stephen Colbert wholeheartedly agrees with him, which manages to piss Bill O’Reilly off. O’Reilly then makes the stupid mistake of attacking Colbert, and Colbert responds hilariously:

There is so much satire and irony in this exchange, even my head is spinning.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, October 3, 2014

“In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, ‘Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called ‘Nuns on the Bus’ kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it’s his way of giving back, while the nuns say it’s God’s way of testing their faith.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al Qaeda has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline – although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on Myspace.” – Seth Meyers

“The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s brother Doug Ford has announced that he’ll be running in his brother’s place. I don’t think it’s a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as ‘the crazy one.'” – Seth Meyers

“South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.” – Conan O’Brien

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Bad Memory

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Gov. Rick Perry shows once again that he has a bad memory.

You’ve probably heard that a man (who had a knife) jumped the White House fence and made it into the executive mansion before he was tackled by the Secret Service.

So of course, do Republican express concern for our president?

Not Rick Perry. On Tuesday on MSNBC he bragged “Let me tell you – Texas governor’s [security] detail, do not try to run through the governor’s mansion.” He added that if you do try that “You will meet justice.”

I guess he forgot that in 2008 (yes, when Perry was governor), an arsonist succeeded in partially destroying the Texas governor’s mansion. Not only that, but they never caught the person who did it.

Mario Piperni
© Mario Piperni

[hat tip to Juanita Jean]

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Privacy be Damned

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Every once in a while, people in positions of power indadvertedly reveal not only that their view of reality is distorted, but also that they really have no idea what they are talking about.

Recently, in response to leaked revelations that the NSA and other law enforcement agencies had pretty much free access to all of your personal communications, Apple and Google both announced that they were turning encryption on by default on iOS and Android. This is significant because Apple and Google will not have access to the encryption keys, which means that they cannot turn over your data to the government, even if they wanted to.

Law enforcement immediately launched a misleading PR offensive saying that this change would be a boon to criminals, including an article in the Washington Post that incorrectly claimed that without the ability to easily read everyone’s private communications, a kidnapping victim would have died.

Even though that story was shown to be false, that didn’t slow down the misinformation. The chief of detectives for Chicago’s police department declared:

Apple will become the phone of choice for the pedophile. The average pedophile at this point is probably thinking, I’ve got to get an Apple phone.

This is insane.

Next, no less than the head of the FBI came out and said to reporters:

I am a huge believer in the rule of law, but I also believe that no one in this country is beyond the law. … What concerns me about this is companies marketing something expressly to allow people to place themselves beyond the law.

Rough translation is that anything you can do to protect your privacy should be illegal because it means that you can hide a crime from law enforcement.

Techdirt responded with a brilliant satire “FBI Director Angry At Homebuilders For Putting Up Walls That Hide Any Crimes Therein“. After all, encryption is nothing more than a wall to protect your privacy, and walls can be (and often are) used to hide crimes. And not just walls. I’m sure that pedophiles have often thought “I’ve got to get some curtains for my windows.”

But the FBI wasn’t done spreading fear:

There will come a day — well it comes every day in this business — when it will matter a great, great deal to the lives of people of all kinds that we be able to with judicial authorization gain access to a kidnapper’s or a terrorist or a criminal’s device. I just want to make sure we have a good conversation in this country before that day comes. I’d hate to have people look at me and say, ‘Well how come you can’t save this kid,’ ‘how come you can’t do this thing.’

This is bullshit.

What’s next? Will law enforcement agencies slam the manufacturers of paper shredders, because they can be used to hide evidence of criminal activity? Will they announce that they could have prevented the Great Recession in 2008 if only paper shredders hadn’t been widely available to investment bankers to hide their illegal and reckless financial transactions?

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

“Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman.” – Bill Maher

“It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he’s writing policy memos to President Obama. I think I’ll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence.” – Bill Maher

“Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, ‘Don’t you know who I am?!’ And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: ‘ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'” – Bill Maher

“You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.” – David Letterman

“This week President Obama gave a big speech from White House where he outlined his plan to quote ‘degrade and ultimately destroy’ the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, ‘I’ll build their website.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In his speech the other night, President Obama announced that he’s counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can’t get the support of the International House of Pancakes.” – David Letterman

“The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas.” – Bill Maher

“Forty-seven percent of Americans feel less safe than before 9/11. But enough about the NRA.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he’s sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not only that but he’s also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL.” – David Letterman

“Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you’re slow if you’re being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough.” – David Letterman

“I always get excited when I come to Washington because I’m that typical tourist; I like to see the sh*t. There’s so many great historical sites: the lobby of The Willard hotel, where we got that name lobbyist, where they used to literally lobby; the tavern where John Adams used to drink; the Capitol where they used to pass laws.” – Bill Maher

“Thirteen years since 9/11, look how far we’ve come. Back then we were scared, over-reacting, about to launch an expensive overseas campaign. But so much has changed. For example, Dick Cheney’s heart is now connected to the iPhone watch.” – Bill Maher

“British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote ‘no’ on leaving the U.K. He said, ‘It’s never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and … I’ll stop talking now.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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It is getting worse

Monday, September 29, 2014

According to political numbers site 538 the numbers are getting worse. As of this morning, the Republicans now have a 60% probability of winning a majority in the Senate.

Oh well, I guess it just proves once again that you can buy an election in the USA.

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