Political Irony

“Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson’s first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I’m guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Julia Pierson hopped over the fence and turned in her resignation.” – David Letterman

“Pierson told her colleagues that the Secret Service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like Disney World. I guess that’s why all White House intruders got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, ‘I’m leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don’t think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters.'” – David Letterman

“They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.” – David Letterman

“The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers.” – David Letterman

“Scientists are suggesting that Pluto should be considered a planet again eight years after it was classified as a dwarf planet — and Americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about Pluto and figure out how to stop Ebola.” – Seth Meyers

“After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she’ll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open … literally.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she’s escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in.” – Seth Meyers

“Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama.” – David Letterman

“Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president.” – Conan O’Brien

“We’re having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper.” – David Letterman

“Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow.” – Seth Meyers

“The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch.” – Conan O’Brien

“Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing.” – David Letterman

“Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in.” – Seth Meyers

“The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was.” – Conan O’Brien

“A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary.” – David Letterman

“This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, ‘We’ll see what happens’. Incidentally, that’s also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an ‘enabler’ of the president’s foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn’t the definition of being secretary of state.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, ‘Gay Hitler.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it’s very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don’t see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon.” – Seth Meyers

“Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to a baby girl named Charlotte on Friday. Or as Hillary described the baby, ‘Third in line to the throne’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.” – David Letterman

“Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl. And get this, she’s already said her first word: ‘Iowa’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote.” – Seth Meyers

“North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he’s sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship.” – Conan O’Brien

“Evil dictator Kim Jong Un has not been seen in three weeks. I hate it when a recluse disappears, don’t you?” – David Letterman

“Kim Jong Un didn’t even show up at Clooney’s wedding.” – David Letterman

“The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he is resigning after five years with the administration. Obama said, ‘Wait, you can do that?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Attorney General Eric Holder said today that he will resign after five years in office. When he heard about this, President Obama said, ‘Oh, he’s my ride. I gotta go.'” – Seth Meyers

“They’ve had security problems at the White House. Last weekend a couple of guys hopped the fence and ran in. One guy got all the way in and made himself a sandwich.” – David Letterman

“White House security problems won’t happen anymore. They’ve decided that at night — it doesn’t make any difference what’s going on – they’re locking that front door.” – David Letterman

“Security is so tight now that they’ve asked members of Congress to circle the White House – because that way nothing will get past.” – David Letterman

“Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that’s not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Russia announced that it will join America’s fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, ‘But I did not say which side.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton said that riding wild horses in Mongolia and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro are on his bucket list. When asked what was on her bucket list, Hillary said, ‘Come on. Don’t make me say it. You know what it is.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that’s going on in the world, I’m surprised he didn’t salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he’s got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It’s all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, ‘Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee’.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It’s not the first time Obama’s done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they’re going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says ‘Blockbuster Video’.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes.” – David Letterman

“President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. ‘Yeah just call me, you know, if I’m around. It’ll be fun.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down.” – David Letterman

“In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.” – Conan O’Brien

“The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It’s expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie ‘Gravity’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission’s costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we’ll have the first call center on Mars.” – Jimmy Kimmel