Political Irony

“Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there’s a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there’s a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, ‘Wait, that’s today?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.” – Conan O’Brien

“During a speech on Sunday, President Obama said to the crowd, ‘We’ve got to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.’ This went on for an hour until someone finally fixed his teleprompter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.” – Conan O’Brien

“Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn’t call them midterms.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington.” – Conan O’Brien

“In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It’s a whole new Secret Service security thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today isn’t just Election Day. It’s National Candy Day today. I don’t know. Didn’t we just have National Candy Day — Halloween? That’s National Candy Day. Today should be National Candy Nobody Wanted to Eat But It’s the Only Thing Left in the Trick-or-Treat Bag Day.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow is National Healthy Eating Day. But tomorrow is also National Doughnut Day, which seems like bad planning.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Take a look at this: gas under $3 a gallon – under $3 a gallon. Unemployment under 6%, whoever thought? Stock market breaking records every day. No wonder the guy is so unpopular.” – David Letterman (on Obama)

“Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.” – David Letterman

“Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, ‘I’m begging.’ Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.” – David Letterman

“Tomorrow is Election Day. That’s the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn’t register to vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tomorrow is the midterm elections. It’s very important, so don’t forget to head down to your local polling place and cancel out your dad’s vote.” – Seth Meyers

“Anybody last night watch that Wallenda guy? He first went across Niagara Falls, then across the Grand Canyon, and last night he walked between two Chicago skyscrapers. He got his start in this line of work as a White House fence jumper.” – David Letterman

“Health officials in countries affected by Ebola are encouraging people to stop shaking hands, and instead give an “Ebola handshake,” which is when you bump elbows with someone. That would be a great idea if they hadn’t spent the past five years telling us to sneeze into our elbows.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday is the New York City Marathon. Good luck to everybody who will be participating. Hillary Clinton, by the way, has not yet deciding whether she’ll be running.” – David Letterman

“Congratulations to the Giants for winning the World Series. Last night in San Francisco, there were big parades, with men dancing in the streets and taking their clothes off. Then they heard about the baseball and things went crazy.” – Craig Ferguson

“Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants! Last night the Giants beat the Kansas City Royals in Game 7 to win the World Series. Finally, an excuse for the city of San Francisco to have a parade.” – Seth Meyers

“Attorney General Eric Holder said the only person who could play him in a movie is Denzel Washington. Do you know who I think should play Holder? Oprah’s boyfriend, Stedman.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute – which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, ‘Hey, I’m investigating here.'” – Conan O’Brien

“David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don’t know what’s more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote.” – Craig Ferguson

“The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro.” – Seth Meyers

“Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama’s screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House computers were hacked. They stole all of Michelle Obama’s secret kale recipes.” – David Letterman

“I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan.” – David Letterman

“I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets chances of making the play-offs.” – David Letterman

“A man in a President Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as ‘armed and incapable of reforming immigration’.” – Craig Ferguson

“After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.” – Craig Ferguson

“Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say ‘We’re sorry’ in all three languages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there’s anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it’s a guy who lost three times.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While Mitt Romney was in Nebraska at a campaign rally to support a local Senate candidate this week, the crowd started chanting, ‘Run, Mitt, Run.’ And now, nobody can find Mitt Romney.” – Seth Meyers

“Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama and Michelle Obama went to a parent-teacher conference at their daughters’ school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they could be doing great.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Weather Channel co-founder John Coleman says there’s no such thing as man-made global warming. It’s actually not the first controversial statement Coleman has made about the weather. He also said, ‘I’ve been naming all the hurricanes after girls who dumped me in high school.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you’re in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that’s been set on fire.” – Conan O’Brien

“Here is a new and important announcement from the CDC: You will not become a Jets fan through casual contact with a Jets fan.” – David Letterman