Political Irony

“Time magazine has named ‘Ebola Fighters’ the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, ‘Oh no, we’ll just mail them to you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Time magazine announced its person of the year. It’s health workers who treat Ebola. That’s a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, ‘No need to pick up your award, we’ll mail it to you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“This year, the person — it’s persons, and those persons are the Ebola fighters. The people who were on the front lines, working to keep Ebola contained. I think it’s a very good choice. Congratulations, guys. I’d love to shake your hands, but you know…” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This will be the first time an acceptance speech has included the phrase, ‘We couldn’t have done it without Ebola.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time magazine has named Ebola healthcare workers as their person of the year. The Ebola workers were very excited when Time magazine gave them the news – via Skype.” – Seth Meyers

“Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congress goes on recess starting tomorrow night. By the way, that’s all you need to know about Congress. They get recess. A bunch of middle-aged adults get three weeks off to play kickball?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was talking about the new report on CIA interrogation techniques and praised our country’s ability to quote, ‘face our imperfections, make changes, and do better.’ Which sounds less like a speech on torture and more like the comments on a kindergartner’s report card.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It’s almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.” – David Letterman

“Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has ‘come around’ to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there’s anything that says you’re qualified to be president, it’s your own mom saying, ‘I guess you could do it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them.” – Seth Meyers

“At the White House yesterday, they kicked off Computer Science Education Week. Students gave tutorials on computer code and President Obama sat down and wrote one. All his program does is draw a box, which he’s hoping he can crawl into and hide in for the rest of his term.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that’s called in China, a job fair.” – Conan O’Brien

“Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.” – Conan O’Brien

“A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on.” – Seth Meyers

“The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I’m happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not.” – Seth Meyers

“Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn’t know it’s Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn’t even know it’s a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he’s out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says.” – Jimmy Fallon

“McDonald’s released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken. They’re made out of people who ask too many questions.” – Conan O’Brien

See also the photos of Colbert dressing up like various characters from the movie.

What does this have to do with politics? I have absolutely no idea.

“President Obama went to the hospital because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. Some say it was an overreaction, but then Obama said, ‘Uh, did YOU have to spend the last few months hugging Ebola people? Call me when that happens and we’ll see if I over-reacted.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently the president had a sore threat. His doctor said he needs Zantac. Sadly, that’s actually the best news President Obama’s gotten in a very long time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony — it’s not covered by Obamacare.” – David Letterman

“Obama went to the hospital this weekend because of a sore throat. Everything is fine, but it was a little awkward when they asked what insurance he uses, and he said, ‘Blue Cross. No, I mean Obamacare.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was diagnosed with acid reflux. His approval rating is so low that he’s starting to get pushback from his esophagus.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This morning President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.” – Conan O’Brien

“Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.” – David Letterman

“Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, ‘It feels weird being in the White House because I’m not an American.’ And then Prince William said, ‘Yeah, me too.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.” – Craig Ferguson

“People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States — the Kardashians.” – David Letterman

“The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this, China’s children asked, ‘So now can we take a lunch break?'” – Conan O’Brien

“There is a new student loan calculator app that can determine how long students will be in debt based on their major. For example, if you’re a creative arts major, you can’t afford the app.” – Seth Meyers

“Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It’s helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.” – Conan O’Brien