“Today President Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba — this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.” – Craig Ferguson
“The White House will ease diplomatic relations with Cuba. When asked how he’ll celebrate, Obama said, ‘Smoke a Cuban cigar, no I mean smoke a regular cigarette — oh, I’ll just have some water, I guess, I don’t know.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.” – David Letterman
“President Obama announced that he’s going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.” – Conan O’Brien
“Sony hackers are threatening to attack theaters that show Seth Rogen’s new comedy about an attempt on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s life. In response, the big theater chains won’t show the movie. They should be ashamed of themselves. The idea that there are North Korean terror cells in the U.S. is ridiculous. If there are any North Koreans in America, that’s only because they escaped.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list.” – David Letterman
“After the theaters backed out, Sony decided to cancel the release of the movie entirely and nobody knows if the movie will be seen. The only way we’re ever going to see it is to hack into Sony. If only there was a group that knew how to do that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If the North Koreans are going to stop one of our movies being shown, why couldn’t it be ‘Love Actually,’ which my wife and her friends have in our living room every Christmas?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The message this sends is that if you really scare us, we’ll do what you want. Poor Seth Rogen. I heard he’s so stressed out by this that he’s been smoking marijuana.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they’re not hiring liberal arts majors.” – Conan O’Brien
“In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Cosby is at 17.” – Seth Meyers
“Despite Russia’s move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia’s economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs.” – Seth Meyers
