Political Irony

“Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.” – David Letterman

“The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment’. Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.” – David Letterman

“Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It’s interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. And 10,000 people stranded at Boston’s Logan Airport just became Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama’s executive order on immigration. When asked if he’s mad about being overruled, Obama said, ‘You know I’ve been married for 23 years, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“First lady Michelle Obama revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. It’s been tough on Biden because he couldn’t make his wife any jewelry for Valentine’s Day.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the ‘right look’ to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits.” – Seth Meyers

“Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie, and this is it.’ I don’t know. It still looks like at least two.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, ‘There’s only one Chris Christie.’ He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he’s buying seats on a plane.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I spent the past four days in Cuba shooting a special episode of this show. I returned and today House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Cuba, which explains why the Cuban government asked America to ‘please stop sending us your ambiguously popular celebrities.'” – Conan O’Brien

“I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.” – Conan O’Brien

“Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It’s all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, ‘Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine’.” – Seth Meyers

“NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.” – Conan O’Brien

“NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that’s enough. He’s forgiven.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Brian already has been on a self-imposed leave of absence from NBC, reportedly planning to spend his six months away at home with his wife, Wendy Williams.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: BenGayZi. It’s trending right now.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.” – Seth Meyers

“Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.” – David Letterman

“Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual fucking war.” – Jon Stewart

“Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, ‘Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.” – David Letterman

“Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it’ll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, ‘This factory is terrible.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.” – David Letterman

“It was revealed that back in 2011 Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan’s name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.” – Jimmy Fallon