Political Irony

“Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she’s very proud of her Irish heritage, or her Italian heritage, or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I’ve got to get into that Oval Office.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.” – Conan O’Brien

“St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.” – David Letterman

It turns out they’re already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered ‘Vanilla in Manila.’ Next up, they tried ‘Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.’ Finally, ‘Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.” – Conan O’Brien

“Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.” – David Letterman

“It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she’s at hillary@pantsuit.com.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, ‘Thanksgiving Dinner’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they’re saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn’t archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, ‘Don’t worry, we saw them. We see everyone’s emails.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she … will still be president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, ‘I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. It aired in Israel with a five-minute delay. Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what their president was saying, or as Americans call that, watching Obama live. ‘Every speech … I make … takes … three hours.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today during his speech in Washington, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu repeatedly referred to Congress as ‘my friends’. It was a move that had many in Congress Googling the word ‘friend’.” – Seth Meyers

“Nancy Pelosi said she was ‘near tears’ during the prime minister’s speech to Congress because it insulted America’s intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about ‘The Bachelor’.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama said he wants the United States to establish an embassy in Cuba by April. When asked if Cuba would establish an embassy here, Obama said, ‘What do you call Miami?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A DEA agent is speaking out against edible marijuana. He said it could lead to a lot of stoned rabbits. He says rabbits will eat the pot that is grown at marijuana farms and start following the band phish around the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden will speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on Saturday, he is scheduled to speak to them again to apologize for whatever he said in Friday’s speech.” – Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel has President Obama read “Mean Tweets” about himself:

If you think those were mean, check this out.