Political Irony

“Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is ‘Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.’ It’s hard to tell if he’s running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rand Paul announced he is running for president and bloggers pointed out that his campaign symbol, a small flame, looks nearly identical to the logo for the dating app Tinder. It’s appropriate because in either case you have no idea what you’re getting into and it probably won’t work out.” – Seth Meyers

“Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.” – Conan O’Brien

“A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, ‘2016?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new book coming out that slams president Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon or download the version directly from Cheney’s heart.” – Conan O’Brien

“The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.” – Conan O’Brien

“British Prime Minister David Cameron is facing criticism from working-class voters after he was caught on camera today eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. And he got criticism from wealthy voters because he used a hamburger fork.” – Seth Meyers

“After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, ‘Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, ‘But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.” – David Letterman

“Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you’d expect, security’s been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We actually had to tape earlier than usual today. Not because of the first lady’s schedule, but so the Secret Service could make it to happy hour.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.” – David Letterman

“A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes — eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said ‘Thanks Obama’ but actually meant it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.'” – David Letterman

“Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, ‘April Fools’. It wasn’t his best joke.” – Conan O’Brien

“In Indiana, state legislators played a hilarious April Fools’ prank on gays and lesbians. They convinced them they’d passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You’ve all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it’s anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say ‘come out’.” – Seth Meyers

“Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he’s ever been to Kenya, Obama said, ‘Of course. I was born — no, bored — over there. There’s nothing to do in Kenya.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“As of this week, the only state that President Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they’re looking forward to President Obama or any black person visiting soon.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who’s still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al Gore is 67 years old today. Al Gore, 67 candles on his cake. There’s your global warming. ” – David Letterman

“According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like ‘How can I get your job?'” – Jimmy Fallon