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Give ’em Hell, Bernie!

One of my favorite writers, Matt Taibbi, has written a wonderful article in Rolling Stone about Bernie Sanders, our “other” Democratic presidential candidate. Or as Taibbi puts it:

His entrance into the 2016 presidential race is a great thing and not a mere footnote to the inevitable coronation of Hillary Clinton as the Democratic nominee. If the press is smart enough to grasp it, his entrance into the race makes for a profound storyline that could force all of us to ask some very uncomfortable questions.

What questions? Why do we automatically measure political candidates by how much money they can raise? Although we don’t put it that bluntly. We use words like “serious” or “viable” or even “credible”. As the Wall Street Journal said about Sanders: “It is unclear how much money Mr. Sanders expects to raise, or what he thinks he needs to run a credible race.”

Is that what our politics has become? A simple race for cash? Has money really become equivalent to free speech?

But that won’t deter Sanders. Indeed, his campaign started out by raising a “serious” amount of money — more than $1.5 million in its first 24 hours. And not just from big-money donors. More than 35 thousand people donated, with an average contribution of $43.54. Regardless of who you think should be elected president, this should warm your heart.

Ironically, Sanders, who has never run a negative campaign, is likely to help Hillary Clinton. At the very least it will keep her from swinging too far to the right in an attempt to triangulate against her ultra-conservative Republican opposition and will help her run as a moderate. The GOP always tries to paint Democratic candidates as socialists, but how can they call Hillary that when Sanders is a socialist?

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Late Night Presidential Political Humor

On his plans for his remaining time in office: “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration — bucket. New climate regulations — bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

On Dick Cheney: “A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime.”

On Jeb Bush: “It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as ‘Hispanic’ back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as ‘American’ back in 1961.”

On the economy and Hillary Clinton: “I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.”

On Bernie Sanders: “And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.”

On Ted Cruz: “Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.”

On his bromance with Vice President Joe Biden: “We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”

On the challenges of being president: “Being president is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran – all while finding time to pray five times a day.”

On his rapidly-graying hair: “It is no wonder that people keep pointing out that presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”

On ABC’s new series “Blackish”: “Being blackish only makes you popular for so long. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”

On the final years of his presidency: “The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one… Oh, you have?”

On how history will view his presidency: “Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that.”

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Who?

Scott Bateman
© Scott Bateman

The Koch brothers are being courted heavily by conservative candidates for the presidency. First prize is reportedly close to a Billion dollars (yes, that is with a capital B) to spend on their campaigns. It appears that their current favorite is Scott Walker, the union busting, budget slashing, anti-gay, anti-immigrant governor of Wisconsin.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.” – Conan O’Brien

“A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don’t worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.” – David Letterman

“Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.” – Conan O’Brien

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Peaceful Protest

Matt Lubchansky
© Matt Lubchansky

I’m definitely not advocating violence. But America does seem to have a love-hate relationship with violence. We love the founding fathers and the Boston tea party, but we hate violent protests for civil rights. We love revolutionaries, as long as they aren’t socialists (although some people love Che Guevara, but mostly in a romantic sense).

Unfortunately, history is often written by the victors. So I guess we love violence as long as it happened in the past, … and we won.

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Lack of Fathers?

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) called into conservative Laura Ingraham’s radio show on Tuesday and discussed the racial unrest in Baltimore, saying:

There are so many things we can talk about. … It’s something we talk about not in the immediate aftermath but over time: The breakdown of family structure, the lack of fathers, the lack of sort of a moral code in our society. This isn’t just a racial thing; it goes across racial boundaries.

Why yes, it does cross racial boundaries. Two weeks ago, Paul’s own son was cited for DUI after crashing his car into a parked car, at 11:24 in the morning. The police report said that the young Paul was “belligerent” and had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and “a strong odor of alcohol”. He also did not have the required auto insurance.

This is not the first time Paul’s son has gotten in trouble for drinking. The first time it was for underage drinking and assaulting a flight attendant. Later the same year he was again busted for underage drinking.

So, where was his father?

Maybe he was too busy appearing on TV to explain how the death of Eric Garner was really caused by New York’s overly high taxes on cigarettes. Seriously.

But as hypocritical as this is, it could be worse. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Ted Cruz blamed the racial unrest on Obama, saying that the president “has exacerbated racial misunderstanding, racial tensions.” And here I thought that the problem was police killing black kids while they are in custody. Silly me.

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The Peace Party

Representative John Duncan (R-TN) has a very good opinion piece in The American Conservative, titled “A Return to the Peace Party”.

Duncan laments that the current batch of “Republican candidates for president try to outdo each other in their hawkishness” and worries that “it is a recipe for defeat if my Republican party becomes known as a party favoring permanent, forever wars – war without end”.

Ironically, once upon a time “the Republican party could make a legitimate claim to being the Peace Party”, voting against wars (like Vietnam) that were started by Democrats. Indeed, it was a Republican, President Dwight Eisenhower, who warned us about the rise of the military-industrial complex. Hypocritically, Republicans became the party of the military-industrial complex, under the command of chickenhawks like Dick Cheney.

Republicans claim to worship Ronald Reagan, but it was he who wrote four strict principles for military action:

  1. The United States should not commit its forces to military action overseas unless the cause is vital to our national interest;
  2. If the decision is made to commit our forces to combat abroad, it must be done with the clear intent and support needed to win … and there must be clearly defined and realistic objectives;
  3. Before we commit our troops to combat, there must be reasonable assurance that the cause we are fighting for and the actions we take will have the support of the American people and Congress, and
  4. Even after all these other tests are met, our troops should be committed to combat abroad only as a last resort, when no other choice is available.

One might question whether Reagan followed his own principles, but today it is difficult to find any GOP politicians who would even agree with the principles. Republicans hypocritically say we should slash government spending, while simultaneously increasing military spending.

Duncan ends the article by saying that “there was much less anti-Americanism around the world when we tried to mind our own business and take care of our own people. And this nation had more friends when we followed a policy of peace through strength, not one of peace through endless war.”

I hope other Republicans are listening.

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Prejudice?

It's not prejudice if you call it religion

Just where in the Bible does it tell you to hate people?

This message brought to you by Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian!

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Late Night Political Humor

“Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can’t be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?” – David Letterman

“Have we all decided who we’re going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?” – David Letterman

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Anger Translator

I loved the Key and Peele skit from a few years ago, but here’s a new version, this time starring the real Obama:

It gets off to a slow start, but I loved the ending, so watch the whole thing. And if you never watched the original, click the link above.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She’s going to join the all-female cast of ‘Ghost Busters’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.” – Conan O’Brien

“Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.” – David Letterman

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We’re Number One!

This is a map showing incarceration rate (number of prisoners per 100,000 population). Note that it doesn’t even include all prisoners in the US — it leaves out prisoners in juvenile detention, prisoners held in US Territories (which I presume includes Guantanamo), jails contracted by the US Marshals Service, and jails in Indian country.

Prisoner_population_rate_world_map.svg

Actually, the title of this post is ever so slightly wrong. There is one tiny country – so small and low in population that you might not have even heard about it – that has more prisoners per capita than we do. But if I announced that we are number two, we might take that as a challenge.

And we call ourselves the land of the free.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.” – Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“When he was asked about Hillary’s candidacy, Obama said, ‘If she’s her wonderful self, I’m sure she’ll do great.’ He added, ‘If she’s her other self, watch out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say ‘I’m ridin’ with Biden.’ It’s a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using — ‘I’m hidin’ from Biden.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called ‘Pasta and Politics.’ It went so well that he’s agreed to go on ‘Meet the Garlic Press.'” – Seth Meyers

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Guilty until proven Innocent?

The Washington Post has a very scary article about the FBI forensic unit, the people like those we have all seen in movies who analyze hairs and other physical evidence to establish guilt or innocence. This kind of evidence is frequently used in capital cases, such as rape or murder.

Unlike in the movies, the work that real FBI forensic unit workers have done is deeply flawed, and has sent many innocent people to prison for decades, or even to be executed.

How big a scandal is this? A review of the cases shows that in a stunning 95% of cases so far reviewed, workers gave testimony that significantly overstated forensic matches. In other words, the expert testimony was flawed (which is a polite way to say that they lied). “What we were finding was that the examiners … wouldn’t just simply say that there was a microscopic similarity [between the two hairs], but they would go beyond that and say it was a 100% match, essentially misleading the jury into concluding that the evidence had a certain value that it didn’t actually have.”

Put simply “The FBI’s three-decade use of microscopic hair analysis to incriminate defendants was a complete disaster.” In one case, there was testimony that a found hair matched hair from the defendant, but it turned out that the hair was actually from a dog. “Two FBI-trained analysts… could not even distinguish human hairs from canine hairs.”

What makes this truly horrible is that this is not the first time we have been told that forensic analysis was being misused. And yet we keep sending innocent people to jail for crimes they did not commit. Back in 2002, the FBI itself reported that its own DNA testing found that their examiners reported false hair matches more than 11% of the time.

In Washington DC, of seven defendants whose trials included flawed FBI testimony, five of them have been exonerated. Those defendants all served 20 to 30 years in prison for rape or murder.

And this may only be the tip of the iceberg. Most of the forensic specialists used by states and municipalities were trained by the FBI.

But the real problem is not the FBI. The real problem is the fact that forensic crime labs across the country work for the prosecutors. In some cases they are paid for each conviction. Of course they are going to push for guilty verdicts!

One group that is fighting to correct these problems is The Innocence Project.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he’s still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, ‘Why is he talking to that mannequin?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Election season is heating up. We’re starting to hear who’s running for president in 2016. Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 campaign sometime in the next two weeks. So remember, act surprised.” – Seth Meyers

“The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of the night.” – Seth Meyers

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