Political Irony

“Hillary Clinton wrote an op-ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, ‘Why didn’t you just say that in a speech?’ and she said, ‘Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.” – Seth Meyers

“Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow’s game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, ‘You get used to it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.” – David Letterman

“A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.” – Conan O’Brien

“Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'” – Conan O’Brien

“During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he’s the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.” – Jimmy Fallon

[coincidentally, I was having a discussion the other day with someone and we were trying to figure out why Jimmy Carter is widely mocked as being a “famously bad president”. The only thing we could think of was the Iranian hostage crisis, where the American hostages, who had been held in Iran for 444 days, were released 20 minutes after Ronald Reagan was sworn in as president. However, several people, including a former Iranian president, a former Prime Minister of Israel, a former Naval intelligence officer and member of the National Security Council, and a former staffer of the Reagan campaign and administration, claim that the Reagan campaign conspired with Iran to delay the release of the hostages until after the election in order to keep Carter from being reelected.]

“In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week’s interview, Jenner said he’s a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he’s also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They’re probably having the buttons printed as we speak.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.” – David Letterman

“Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.” – David Letterman

“A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.” – Conan O’Brien

“At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, ‘Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.” – David Letterman

“They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available’.” – David Letterman

“New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?” – David Letterman

“It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn’t really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, ‘We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Earth Day. So this year I’m finally gonna do it. I’m gonna find out what the blue trash cans are for.” – Seth Meyers

“The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.” – David Letterman

“Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.'” – David Letterman

“Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that’s how Hillary got rid of her emails.” – David Letterman

“Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, ‘Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you’ll finally be able to say to a police officer, ‘No, no, this is just weed.'” – Seth Meyers

“A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day.” – Seth Meyers