Political Irony

“Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.” – Seth Meyers

“Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn’t already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.” – David Letterman

“Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” – David Letterman

“In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah’s Witnesses finally got fed up and said, ‘Get lost. Get out of here!'” – David Letterman

“Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.” – David Letterman

“The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, ‘If this van’s rockin’, I’m deleting emails.'” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 57 percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president. – David Letterman

“Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that’s not going to happen.” – Conan O’Brien

On his plans for his remaining time in office: “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration — bucket. New climate regulations — bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

On Dick Cheney: “A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime.”

On Jeb Bush: “It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as ‘Hispanic’ back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as ‘American’ back in 1961.”

On the economy and Hillary Clinton: “I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.”

On Bernie Sanders: “And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.”

On Ted Cruz: “Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.”

On his bromance with Vice President Joe Biden: “We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”

On the challenges of being president: “Being president is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran – all while finding time to pray five times a day.”

On his rapidly-graying hair: “It is no wonder that people keep pointing out that presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”

On ABC’s new series “Blackish”: “Being blackish only makes you popular for so long. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”

On the final years of his presidency: “The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one… Oh, you have?”

On how history will view his presidency: “Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that.”

“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, ‘Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.” – Conan O’Brien

“A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don’t worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.” – David Letterman

“Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.” – Conan O’Brien