Political Irony

“Tonight is the first Republican debate over on Fox News. The moderator, Chris Wallace, said there’s ‘so doggone many’ candidates, and that he planned on asking them some ‘doozies’. He would’ve said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight was the first Republican primary debate. If you missed it, just imagine your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, and then multiply by 10.” – Seth Meyers

“The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump’s going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump’s game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It’s the same game plan used by his barber.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he’ll call them criminal Americans.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was reported this week that scientists are looking to reduce greenhouse gasses by limiting flatulence from cows. The way it works is, they’re gonna send all the cows on a bunch of first dates.” – Seth Meyers

“Tomorrow night is the first Republican debate. Which means Donald Trump’s hair and makeup team should be getting started right about now.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The debate rules state that the highest-polling candidate is given the middle podium, which means Donald Trump will be center stage tomorrow night. Well, that and the fact that he was going to stand there anyway.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Republican presidential debate is tomorrow night. People have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking.” – Conan O’Brien

“Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson who is a neurosurgeon. Carson says he’s not there to debate, he’s there to diagnose exactly what’s wrong with Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study finds that Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move’ program may have caused people to actually gain weight. Many mistook the slogan to mean, let’s move next door to a Cinnabon.” – Conan O’Brien

“We have the great Don Rickles on the show tonight. He’s a guy known for brilliantly insulting everyone in the room — or as Donald Trump calls him, ‘the original me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Thursday night is the first Republican presidential candidates’ debate. Just like ‘Celebrity Apprentice’, you’ll see Donald Trump on TV yelling at people you barely recognize.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s phone number has been leaked. When you call Trump’s cellphone number it plays a campaign message. If you want to hear Trump’s message in English, press one. If you want to hear it in Spanish, you probably don’t follow the news.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ben from Ben & Jerry’s has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, ‘After all we’ve been through together?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on Trump’s campaign – even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is ‘probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.’ Then Trump was like, ‘Well, at least one Cuban loves me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.” – Conan O’Brien

“After Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham’s personal phone number a couple of weeks ago, the website Gawker gave out Trump’s personal cellphone number. Which backfired when Trump just speed-insulted everyone who called him: Loser. Moron. Idiot. Loser.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is still leading the Republican polls, with support from 19 percent of voters. Of course, it’s only a matter of time before Trump slips up and says something completely sane.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush participated in his first Spanish-language interview with Telemundo this week, where he said he’s more optimistic than the other candidates. And you can tell he’s optimistic, cuz he thinks speaking in Spanish will help him with REPUBLICANS.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush’s campaign and the super PACs supporting him have raised more than $120 million so far. In fact, Jeb’s campaign was this weekend’s second highest grossing ‘Mission: Impossible.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie, John Kasich, and Rick Perry are currently fighting for the final two spots in Thursday’s Republican debate. It’s going to be tough – Chris Christie really wants those two spots.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker’s personal phone number.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is still leading all Republican candidates for president. A new Quinnipiac University poll, which of all the major polls is the hardest to say, has Donald Trump ahead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While Donald Trump leads the Republican field by a wide margin right now, he seems to be unelectable. The same poll shows him losing to Hillary Clinton by 12 points. Losing to Joe Biden by 12 points. Losing by 8 points to Bernie Sanders. He’s 5 points behind Bill Cosby.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will ‘ride into the sunset’. And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she’s gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You hear less about Hillary Clinton, she’s not giving a lot of interviews because I think she’s looking at everyone else who’s running for president, and she’s thinking, ‘If I keep my mouth shut, I think I’ve got this thing.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton revealed today she thinks her biggest weakness is her impatience. Said the interviewer, ‘Mrs. Clinton, I haven’t asked you anything yet.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president.” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here’s how I know that’s too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I’d be like, ‘NOPE! I’ll hold it until 2020.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This isn’t good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka’s new name: Chaka Con.” – Jimmy Fallon