Skip to content

Late Night Political Humor

Friday, September 25, 2015

“In a new CNN poll released this morning, Donald Trump is still on top, 32 percent among Republican voters, far ahead of his nearest rival. There’s a reason Donald Trump is on top of the CNN poll and that is because he’s constantly on CNN. If CNN and Fox and MSNBC and everyone ran nonstop coverage of Honey Nut Cheerios we would have a box of cereal running the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new CNN poll shows Trump in first place with 32 percent more than his two closest rivals combined. He’s now towering so high in the polls he turned his own bar graph into luxury condos.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is under fire after he was caught saying of his Republican rival Carly Fiorina, ‘Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?’ Then an aide said, ‘Mr. Trump, you’re pointing at a mirror.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today Trump is getting criticized. He made comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, Carly Fiorina. At this point Donald Trump has publicly attacked more women than he’s married. Which is a lot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“With all the talk about the presidential race, it’s easy to forget that we’re still 14 months from Election Day. Which means we’re just nine years away from the end of the Trump presidency.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Hillary Clinton vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to Bernie Sanders. ‘Fire up the drones!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the ‘Deflategate’ scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today they were hired by the TSA.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. You know we’re setting the bar a little low when the Surgeon General goes from saying ‘We should exercise more’ to ‘Just stand up for once’.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Global Corporate Greed

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Matt Davies
© Matt Davies

Volkswagen, the largest manufacturer of cars in the world, has admitted to cheating on emissions tests.

How bad is this? Eleven million cars were deliberately given sophisticated software that detected when the car was being given an emissions test (detecting that the steering wheel was not being turned even though the accelerator was being pressed, etc.), and reduced pollution so the cars would pass the test. But with the pollution controls on, the cars suffer from poor fuel efficiency and even worse performance, which would have hurt customer sales. So when the cars are not being tested, the pollution controls are disabled, causing the cars to (virtually all the time) pollute up to 40 times more than the legal limits. And the predominant pollutant is one of the most dangerous: nitrous oxides.

VW then marketed these cars as “CleanDiesel”, aggressively promoting their too-good-to-be-true combination of low pollution, excellent fuel economy, and good performance.

To those people who don’t think governments can do anything right, it took the US regulatory agencies to stop this massive fraud. Or if you think the government has no business regulating pollution standards, I beg to remind you that in the US alone, 200,000 deaths a year are caused by air pollution, and in the world, around 7 million deaths a year. That’s one hell of a holocaust every single year. And it costs us trillions of dollars in extra health care costs.

UPDATE: The Audi Superbowl ad has new meaning now (Audi is a subsidiary of VW and used the same evil engine).

Share
Filed in Hypocrisy | Comments (6)

Show Us the Video

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Things are looking pretty bad for Carly Fiorina when even Fox News points out that her high point of the last GOP debate was a lie. Chris Wallace points out to her that no fact checker has been able to find the horrific video that she claims exists:

Do you acknowledge what every fact checker has found… that it was only described on the video… there is no actual footage that you just mentioned?

Of course, Fiorina doubles down and claims again that she has seen it, and accuses the fact checkers of lying:

No, I don’t accept it at all. I’ve seen the footage and I find it amazing that all these supposed fact checkers claim it doesn’t exist. I will continue to dare anyone that wants to defund Planned Parenthood, to watch the videos.

There’s an easy solution. Fiorina should show us the video. Put up or shut up.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments Off on Show Us the Video

Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

“According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. ‘Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“These days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed T-shirts, mugs, and trucker caps. Lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named Rand.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton’s ‘Chillary’ drink koozie. It’s her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.” – Stephen Colbert

“You’re not just buying useless crap, you’re doing your patriotic duty to buy useless crap. As Rand Paul says of his own online merchandise, ‘Thomas Jefferson would be proud.’ So much better than Rand’s original slogan, ‘Impress a slaveholder!'” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders has a great coffee mug that says ‘Feel the Bern.’ Which Senator Sanders was specifically told by H.R. not to say to his interns.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it?” – Stephen Colbert

“Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give ‘motivational speeches’. I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During yesterday’s rally supporting her opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. She apparently met her husband in a John Steinbeck novel.” – Seth Meyers

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

War on Christianity?

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

How the conservatives are welcoming Pope Francis to America:

I don’t think conservatives are the least bit concerned about Christianity. Their religion is money and greed.

My favorite line is when they attack the Pope for being “anti trickle-down economics”. O-M-G!

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (7)

Unqualified

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson said on NBC TV that he thinks Muslims are unfit to be president. He claims the president’s faith should be consistent with the US constitution. He was then asked if he considered Islam to be consistent, he said, “No I don’t, I do not. I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

The US constitution specifically says this about religion:

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

Given that the president is required to swear to support the constitution, and Carson just said that being Muslim should disqualify someone from being president, I think Carson has just admitted that he is not fit to be president.

This is especially ironic because this issue has come up in the not-so-distant past. I remember before John F Kennedy was our first Catholic president, many people openly said he should not be elected because he would be taking orders from the Pope. But that was mild compared to the first time a Catholic ran for president, which was Al Smith in 1928:

Even respected intellectuals questioned whether a Catholic could be trusted to be loyal to the county. In a letter published in the Atlantic Monthly, lawyer and religion scholar Charles Marshall detailed the “inevitable and irreconcilable” conflict between Catholic teachings and the Constitution, and demanded that Smith promise not to put his allegiance to the Pope above his allegiance to the country.

We seem to have gotten past that, since now a large number of the current presidential candidates (Bush, Rubio, Santorum, Pataki, Jindal, Christie, and O’Malley) are Catholics.

Even more recently, much was made of Mitt Romney being a Mormon, with people saying that his faith and the presidency were incompatible.

How long will it take before people like Carson (and Trump) lose their religious bigotry? Unfortunately, maybe not until it stops helping them lead in the polls.

Share
Filed in Hypocrisy | Comments (11)

More Media Consolidation

Monday, September 21, 2015

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

Rupert Murdoch has purchased a majority stake in National Geographic. Not just the magazine, but their television, books, maps, and other media assets. And the former non-profit (for 127 years!) will now be a regular for-profit company. One has to ask, why would the owner of Fox News (and a well-known climate change denier) throw $725 million at National Geographic?

Once upon a time we had laws and regulations that limited media consolidation. The idea was that a vibrant media required that we have a range of voices to listen to. But those days are over. The “Big Six” (Comcast, Disney, Murdoch’s News Corporation, Time Warner, Viacom, and CBS) now control 90% of the media in America.

Cheri DelBrocco
© Cheri DelBrocco

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (3)

Late Night Political Humor

Monday, September 21, 2015

“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported Donald Trump’s immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should ‘speak American’. Then immigrants were like, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump’s continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt Romney. Just when you thought the GOP field couldn’t get any more interesting, you were right.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump’s candidacy ‘an unfortunate development’. Incidentally, ‘an unfortunate development’ is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that the U.S. economy created 173,000 jobs last month. The most common job created this summer was a teacher. The second most common? Republican presidential candidate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Davis, the county clerk who went to jail because she refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, got out of jail today. She says she believes in the sanctity of marriage so much that she’s been married to four different men.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you don’t feel comfortable signing a license to let gay people get married, that’s all right. Just quit. This was a Supreme Court decision. You’re a government worker. This is like refusing to issue drivers licenses because you’re Amish.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama has announced plans to rename Mount McKinley ‘Denali,’ after its original Native American name. Because it turns out it’s easier to rename a mountain than a football team.” – Seth Meyers

“Vice President Biden spoke to voters in Pittsburgh yesterday and continued to hint at a possible 2016 run. So no announcement yet, he was just there to rub elbows with voters. Rub elbows? Rub shoulders. Rub noses. Basically, if you got it, Joe Biden will rub it. Biden-rub, 2016. “– Seth Meyers

“Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Bush administration’s secretary of state, Colin Powell, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement ‘remarkable’ — while George W. Bush is calling the deal ‘nucular’.” – Seth Meyers

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Accomplishments?

Sunday, September 20, 2015

In the last GOP debate, Carly Fiorina quipped “If you want to stump a Democrat, ask them to name an accomplishment of Hillary Clinton.” The Republican audience lapped it up.

Your involuntary response might be to try to think of a signature accomplishment for Clinton, and you might even have trouble coming up with one. After all, almost all of the media stories about her have been one made up scandal after another.

But here’s the irony. Try the same question for any of the Republicans running for president. In particular, what is the signature accomplishment of Carly Fiorina? Getting fired from Hewlett Packard, where she laid off 30,000 workers shipped jobs overseas, and generally made a mess of things (while flying in private planes and buying a yacht)? Or losing every political campaign she’s ever run?

How about Ben Carson? He’s known as the first surgeon to successfully separate conjoined twins who were joined at the head (no, not the Koch brothers). His other major accomplishment seems to be avoiding being a member of any political party until he joined the GOP in 2014 just so he could run for president as one.

Sorry, I can’t think of any accomplishments of Jeb Bush, other than being able to say with a straight face that his brother kept us safe. Is 9/11 invisible to him? Anthrax? Two wars? Is Jeb trying to become the first blind president?

Or how about Donald Trump, whose only accomplishment is being rich, which isn’t even an achievement because he inherited it.

That leaves Chris Christie (causing traffic problems for political revenge?), Scott Walker (busting unions and getting recalled?), Ted Cruz (being a sleezeball?), Marco Rubio (being the only Latino Republican Senator who isn’t a sleezeball?), Bobby Jindal (giving a pitiful response to Obama’s State of the Union address?), Mike Huckabee (getting a job on Fox News?), Rand Paul (being the son of Ron Paul?), Rick Perry (memory lapses?), John Kasich (successful investment banker?), and George Pataki (one of only three Republican governors of NY since 1923?).

In fact, I’m having quite a bit of trouble naming a really major accomplishment of any living member of the Party of No. Compared to the GOP, for Clinton it is relatively easy to come up with the SCHIP legislation that she championed as First Lady, or her promotion of women’s rights as a senator, especially her speech in China.

But the really ironic reason why this jab works is because it is so easy to come up with a long list of achievements for Obama. The list includes the ACA (Obamacare!), turning around the Great Recession (despite sabotage from the GOP), saving the American auto makers, ending the Iraq war, promoting gay rights (striking down DADT and DOMA, leading to the legalization of gay marriage), the normalization of relations with Cuba, negotiating the New START arms treaty with Russia and the nuclear deal with Iran, killing Osama bin Laden, being the first black president, and winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Note that as Obama’s Secretary of State, Clinton played a major role in Obama’s achievements. In fact, Clinton probably had more to do with killing bin Laden than Obama, she laid the groundwork for normalizing relations with Cuba, and her sanctions on Iran were the primary driver toward the current nuclear deal. She had more foreign policy achievements as Secretary of State in four years than the entire eight (embarrassing) years of the preceeding Bush administration.

Fiorina’s jab actually highlights how bad she and the other Republican candidates look compared to Clinton. And Clinton only looks bad compared to Obama, and she helped him.

Perhaps Clinton’s biggest achievements are yet to come. How does “first female president” sound?

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (6)

Bet on It?

Saturday, September 19, 2015

As usual, in America there is a market for just about everything. Do you think you know who will win the Republican nomination? Then you can bet on it!

For example, as I write this shares in Carly Fiorna are down two cents to 20 cents, continuing their recent slide. Looks like the shine of her debate performance has already worn off. The leader is Jeb Bush at 37 cents and Marco Rubio at 34 cents.

At least, that’s what people willing to put their money where their mouth is think.

Right now it is probably way too early to predict, but if I had to guess I’d say Rubio will win the nomination, and if not him probably Bush.

Either would lose to Clinton. Speaking of Clinton, she is currently at 65 cents, with Sanders at 33 cents and Biden at 30 cents.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (2)

Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, September 19, 2015

“Donald Trump has finally signed the Republican pledge saying that he will not run as a third party candidate if he doesn’t win the Republican nomination. He signed it ‘Jeb Bush’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump really signed the pledge with his own name, but take a look at this. He signed it in Sharpie. Even when he writes, he still goes with the loudest pen possible.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I’ll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that during a town hall in Miami this week, Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in both Spanish and English. And later that night, Donald Trump responded in both English and much, much louder English.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner is denying Donald Trump’s suggestion that his wife, Huma, shared classified information with him while she worked for Hillary Clinton. And as we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a denial from Anthony Weiner. ‘I didn’t send those pics! Oh those pics? Yeah I sent them.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Our current president, Barack Obama, was in Alaska yesterday where he did one of those things presidents have to do – he joined in for some traditional eskimo dancing at a local middle school. Nobody wins in a situation like that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

The Truth About Poverty

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Census Bureau just released their annual report on poverty, and Vox took a close look at the details, revealing information that may come as a surprise to many people.

Some people like to paint the poor as shiftless, lazy freeloaders, who refuse to work or otherwise make bad choices. But the numbers say otherwise. Of the people whose incomes fall below the poverty line, 68.6% are children (24.2%), elderly (27.7%), or disabled (15.7%). So the (super)majority of the poor are completely outside the job market (unless you are in favor of bringing back child labor).

An additional 19.2% are students (5.7%), caretakers (7%), or were involuntarily unemployed (e.g., laid off) for at least part of the year (6.5%). And another 4.9% are fully employed, but their wages are lower than the poverty level. That leaves just 5.4% in the “other” category. Why these last people are not earning a living is not specified, but even if nearly all of them are lazy freeloaders, that’s still just around 5% of the total poor, which corresponds to close to 1% of the US population.

The second interesting fact is that our “welfare state”, which is actually pretty weak compared to other industrialized nations, still manages to pull quite a few people out of poverty. Most successful is our Social Security program, which manages to reduce the poverty rate among the elderly from 43.7% to only 10%. Less effective are our programs for the disabled (blind, deaf, crippled, etc.) where government programs reduce their poverty rate from 49.9% to 30.7%. Even with government assistance, a third of all blind people live in poverty.

Increasing programs even a small amount can reduce our poverty rates even more. Canada – under a conservative government no less – recently expanded their benefits for children and saw a significant reduction in poverty.

So does this mean I’m advocating for a socialist welfare state, where everyone is guaranteed an income above the poverty line? Not at all. I think things can swing too far in the other direction. I lived in England during the 80s (the height of their dalliance with socialism), and I met people who had simply decided to leave their jobs and go on the dole, for no particular reason other than they didn’t feel like working for a while. But people like that are no reason to demonize the vast majority of the poor, who currently have no alternatives.

There is a reasonable middle ground. At the very least, we should be able to eradicate poverty among the elderly, children, and disabled populations – those people who are outside the labor market entirely. Having senior citizens, children, or seriously disabled people starving or homeless is obscene. Unemployment insurance should help people temporarily unemployed. The minimum wage should keep track of inflation, and I would eliminate the exemption for restaurant waitstaff. We should also have a discussion about financial aid for students, and assistance to help with care for the elderly and disabled (healthy people shouldn’t have to quit their jobs in order to care for an elderly parent or disabled child).

Then, after we establish a real working social safety net for these people – who are legitimately poor – then we can do something about any remaining freeloaders we keep hearing about.

So how do we pay for all this? There are plenty of ways. We could switch to a single-payer healthcare system. Every single-payer health insurance system in the world is less expensive than the current American health insurance system. Even with Obamacare saving us money while insuring more people, a single payer system would save us around $5 trillion.

Don’t like that? There are plenty of other ways to save money. Like reducing corporate welfare, the $217 billion we spend on subsidies and tax breaks to big corporations. Speaking of freeloaders, how about taxing inheritance fairly so we aren’t subsidizing lazy rich kids? Or avoid starting any new stupid wars, like the one in Iraq that cost us over $2 trillion and will cost an additional $4 trillion over the next four decades. And that’s not counting what it is costing us to fight terrorism (like the radical Islamist militants who were reinvigorated by the war in Iraq).

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (8)

Late Night Political Humor

Friday, September 18, 2015

“In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he has no plans to endorse Donald Trump. When asked if he’d have a change of heart, Cheney was like, ‘Yes, every week’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While he was in Alaska, President Obama stopped at a cafe and bought out all of their cinnamon rolls for his staff. The staff was like, ‘Thanks, Obama’. And the guy behind him in line was like, ‘Yeah, thanks Obama’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is taking over the White House’s official Instagram account this week to post pictures of his trip to Alaska. Or to put it another way, President Obama is now your annoying friend on vacation.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Bernie Sanders at Liberty University

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Bernie Sanders appeared at the ultra-conservative Liberty University to give a speech and answer questions. Here, Sanders answers a question about abortion:

I love the fact that Sanders is not afraid to stand up for his convictions, nor does he mince words or play the politician and say what his audience wants to hear.

You can watch the full event here.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (6)

Like His Brother, Again

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Jeb Bush just released the details of his economic plan in the Wall Street Journal. He claims that his new plan will result in sustained economic growth of four percent or more. To give you an idea of how difficult that would be, no president since Lyndon Johnson has achieved that level of growth. Wow, how is he going to do that? What powerful economic voodoo has he come up with that will work such a miracle?

Well, you can probably guess it. It’s more tax cuts for the wealthy, the same thing his brother tried which led to the Great Recession economic meltdown. So in addition to thinking that his brother’s invasion of Iraq was a good idea, he thinks his brother’s economic policies are worth doubling down on. In addition to cutting the top tax bracket from 39.6% to 28%, he wants to eliminate inheritance taxes and the alternative minimum tax, and slash corporate taxes.

Clearly, some people can not learn from history.

Share
Filed in Hypocrisy | Comments (2)