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Late Night Political Humor

“Today the stock market plunged 600 points and One Direction announced they’re breaking up. Yes, both of these things happened. It was good timing for me because when people asked why I was sobbing uncontrollably, I was able to blame it on the stock market.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today China’s stock market went down 8 percent and France and Germany’s both went down 5 percent. When asked for comment Greece said, ‘boo-hoo’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump had a rally at a football stadium in Mobile, Alabama, after planning to have it in a hotel ballroom. It got too big for the ballroom, so they moved it to the convention center. It got too big for the convention center, so they moved it to a football stadium. Apparently the strategy of saying whatever crazy thing pops into your head is really paying off for him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President-elect Trump discusses all of the big issues, China, opponents, Univision, Mexico, Oreos … everything. He even talked about the weather and how the weather might affect his hair. ‘You know if it rains I will take off my hat and I will prove, I will prove once and for all that it’s mine. Okay.’ Sounds good to me. Why not just dip it in a bucket? You don’t have to wait for the rain.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush has photoshopped a photo for an ad which gives him a black left hand and a much different looking body. Jeb just can’t get it right. I wonder if his black hand handshake is different from the white hand handshake.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Cheaper to Do Something

Here’s something interesting from a source I would not have expected. A new comprehensive report from Citibank (the third largest bank in the US) found that taking climate change seriously and doing something now to lower carbon pollution will save the world $1.8 trillion through the year 2040. Not acting, on the other hand, will not only not save that money, it will cost an additional (and stunning) $44 trillion through 2060, caused by the negative consequences of climate change.

Ironically, the investment costs for the two scenarios (inaction versus action) are almost identical, with the “action” scenario costing a bit less. That’s right, it will cost us less to do something to reduce carbon pollution than to not do something about it, because of savings from reduced fuel costs and increased energy efficiency. Money invested in renewable energy now will pay off because of the rapidly falling costs of renewables.

The report starts with a prescient quote from Thomas Edison:

We are like tenant farmers chopping down the fence around our house for fuel when we should be using nature’s inexhaustible sources of energy – sun, wind and tide. I’d put my money on the sun and solar energy. What a source of power! I hope we don’t have to wait until oil and coal run out before we tackle that.

Unfortunately, critics of taking action to reduce carbon pollution (when they aren’t denying it outright), claim that it would cost too much to do something about it. Some, like Charles Koch, claim that the cost of doing something would cause an economic disaster, saying “So do we want to create a catastrophe today in the economy because of some speculation based on models that don’t work?”

The report specifically addresses this concern, and dismisses it as false. Even not counting the cost of the damage caused by climate change, they found that investing in renewable energy will save money. But so far, the Republican party refuses to even consider doing anything about climate change.

The bottom line? Climate denial will cost us trillions of dollars, while doing something about it will save us money.

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Late Night Political Humor

“In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for ‘lamest use of a magic wand’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, ‘Well, at least there’s one poll where I’m ahead of Trump.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower Hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, ‘You’ll never win the Latino vote.’ And then immediately, Trump had the guy deported over to La Quinta Hotel.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump was also recently quoted saying he can’t remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, ‘Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Turnabout

Turnabout

What are the chances that some pious presidential candidates would promise to protect this person’s religious freedom?

UPDATE: Here’s an even better (and real) example. Have any presidential candidates expressed outrage that a Muslim flight attendant was suspended without pay from her job because she refused to serve alcohol in accordance with her Islamic faith? This case is more compelling because (unlike Kim Davis) the flight attendant was more than willing to let other flight attendants serve alcohol. Before you react, read the article to get the full story.

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Gun Dialog?

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Why is it that we keep having the same stupid conversation over and over again? Is there no room for compromise?

I believe that the second amendment does give people the right to own guns. But no right is absolute. The right to free speech does not give people the right to yell “Fire” in a crowded theatre. But gun nuts, egged on by the manufacturers, seem to think that any restriction (no matter how trivial) on their right to own and carry guns is completely unconstitutional. Even closing huge loopholes in current laws is verboten.

So far, in this year alone (which is not over yet) we have had 255 mass shootings in the US. That’s just crazy.

There are plenty of laws we could pass that would not unduly restrict people’s right to own guns, and which could help reduce the number of gun deaths in the US. In fact, states that have passed such laws have seen the number of gun deaths drop.

It is time we had a real conversation about this, where both sides are willing to compromise.

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Above The Law?

I’ve resisted saying anything about Kim Davis, the county clerk in Kentucky who is still refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay people. The legalization of gay marriage happened so quickly, it is no surprise that there are a few problems here and there.

It doesn’t matter if she isn’t much of a poster child for religious piety, that’s not the point. The point is, nobody is above the law. Nobody is forcing her to issue marriage licenses for gay people. If she, an elected official, cannot follow the law and perform her job, she should resign. But Davis has taken it one step further and won’t even let other employees in her office issue marriage licenses. She is not only violating her oath of office, she is forcing her beliefs on other people and making them violate the law. Not to mention her forcing her beliefs on gay people. I’m glad she is going to jail.

But that’s not why I’m writing this post. What really pisses me off is that people who are running for the presidency are praising what she is doing, supporting her, and encouraging others to join her. Mike Huckabee called her up and thanked her for standing up to “judicial tyranny”. “I salute her today, and I stand with her. I thank God for Kim Davis, and I hope more Americans will stand with her.”

Rand Paul also praised her, saying “I think people who do stand up and are making a stand to say that they believe in something is an important part of the American way.” And Bobby Jindal says “I don’t think anyone should have to choose between following their conscience and religious beliefs and giving up their job and facing financial sanctions.” Nut case Ted Cruz said “Today, judicial lawlessness crossed into judicial tyranny.” He also called on “every lover of liberty to stand with Kim Davis.”

These people are hypocrites and are not qualified to be president. Yes, people making a stand for something they believe in is a part of the American way, but those people are prepared to go to jail for their beliefs, and have. However, these candidates don’t think Davis should have to face any consequences. They think she should be above the law.

This is not about religious freedom. As the lawyer for one of the couples denied a marriage license put it, “religious liberty is not a sword with which government, through its employees, may impose particular religious beliefs on others.” The point is that religious freedom doesn’t give you the right to impose your beliefs on others against their will, and deny them equal protection under the law. That is not religious freedom, that is religious intolerance.

Imagine for a moment if Kim Davis was not a Christian, but a Muslim or a faithful member of many other religions, and was refusing to do her job because it violated her religious beliefs. These same presidential candidates would be calling for Davis’ head.

Religious freedom does not mean you are above the law. If your religion prohibits marriages between a believer and a non-believer (as many branches of Islam do), you can’t refuse to issue marriage licenses to such a couple. If interest on loans is against your religion (as it is in Islam) that doesn’t excuse you from paying it. If your religion practices animal sacrifice, that doesn’t mean you can violate laws against animal cruelty. If your religion uses illegal drugs in its ceremonies, you will still be arrested. It doesn’t matter how “sincerely held” your beliefs are. Not one bit.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump’s recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he’d pay for it, Trump was like, ‘No hablo inglés’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It has come out that implementing Donald Trump’s immigration policy would cost taxpayers $166 billion. Today Trump said, ‘So what? You spend the money, you declare bankruptcy, and then you start a new country. Boom. Right? You move on.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said last night that Jeb Bush is ‘totally out of touch on women’s health issues.’ Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you’re creepy.” – Seth Meyers

“At Ohio State University, it was just announced a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. Isn’t that crazy? And it’s already announced its support for Trump for president.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, ‘Somebody really, really handsome.’ Then he said, ‘OK, I’ll do it! I talked me into it!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump said he thinks Hillary Clinton should face up to 20 years in prison over her email scandal. When they heard that, even the ladies on ‘Orange Is the New Black’ were like, ‘Oh God, please no. Move us.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“CNN’s newest polls show that Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton in Florida. It’s scary, because if that could happen in Florida, it could also happen in the United States.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new survey, 17 percent of adult smartphone owners use auto-deleting apps like Snapchat and Wickr. ‘Yeah, uh, that’s what happened!’ said Hillary Clinton.” – Seth Meyers

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Up or Down

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

Remember times like now, when the stock market is bouncing all over the place for no real reason. Remember now the next time someone says that we have to change Social Security to save it.

Like in 2005 when Dubya tried to privatize some or all of it by investing it in the stock market. Why yes, of course some people want to throw that huge amount of money at Wall Street and cause the mother of all financial bubbles. The banks would profit handsomely. And if their investments went south, then of course the government would bail them out like we did last time, and the time before that, and…

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Who?

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The Party of No no no no NOOOOO!

Republican congressman Mike Turner of Ohio is so mad about Obama and Alaska changing the name of Mt. McKinley back to Denali, he is now threatening to change the name back by attaching a rider to must-pass legislation. You know, like they did when they tried to repeal Obamacare by shutting down the government.

You have got to be kidding me. Is Congress really this dysfunctional that they would shut down the government over the name of some mountain? (Don’t answer that!)

The Party of NO is hardly news. But what makes this worth posting is what Turner said next: “President Obama’s actions toss aside the sacrifice of President McKinley. Imagine the outrage if in 100 years, a Republican would undo John F. Kennedy’s name from landmarks?”

Did he really say that? Because that is exactly what happened back in 1973 when Richard Nixon was president. The government changed the name of Cape Kennedy back to Cape Canaveral. Except they didn’t wait over 100 years, they only waited 10.

I suppose Turner makes the comparison because Presidents McKinley and Kennedy were both assassinated. But other than that, the two situations have nothing in common. While President Kennedy set in motion the first and so far only human trips to the moon, which were launched from the former Cape Canaveral, President McKinley had absolutely nothing to do with the mountain named Denali in Alaska. In fact, an article in the Washington Post says that the name Mount McKinley “was little more than a joke.”

Oh, and after the name of Cape Kennedy was changed back, Ted Kennedy wrote a brief letter saying his family “understand[s] the decision” and that was that.

I’ll let an episode of The Daily Show from back in July have the last word: “Don’t be a dick, change the name.”

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Late Night Political Humor

“Today is Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, ‘Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump recently said he won’t eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, ‘Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?'” – Jimmy Fallon

‘The beautiful Heidi Klum is on the show tonight. Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is ‘no longer a 10.’ Heidi said the comment didn’t bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.’ – Jimmy Fallon

“The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman’s sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed ‘pink Viagra.’ It’s interesting how it actually works. You don’t take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you’re in a relationship with a man who has to take a pill and you’re a woman who has to take one to get interested, maybe you should just watch TV instead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They’re saying, ‘Wow, 14 states. That’s more than half of the states.'” – James Corden

“The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Trump Attack?

As much as I hate posting about Donald Trump, he does give me a laugh. And this story is almost too ironic to believe. On Saturday, Trump told CNN that he is not interested in running attack ads on television.

“I just want to talk about my accomplishments.” Really? What accomplishments?

“I’m not looking to attack anybody.” Says the man who has attacked just about everybody, on Twitter, Instagram, while giving a speech, and even trashing Fox News. Heck, it seems like most of his popularity comes from his willingness to attack fellow Republicans.

Trump says “I would rather have positive TV ads. Absolutely.” Which is hilarious because even Trump admits that he hasn’t felt any need to run any television ads at all. “It is all news, all the time, all Trump, all the time.” Why pay for television ads, when the news reports everything you say, no matter how stupid or ugly.

And while they are not technically television ads, Trump has already posted negative videos on Instagram attacking Jeb Bush and his family.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Apparently President Obama’s favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, ‘On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama’s announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. But remember, this is the guy who couldn’t even round up real celebrities.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he’s getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: ‘Vote Trump to prevent another Trump’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don’t worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he’s ‘likable’ and ‘qualified’. Then Donald Trump said, ‘Weird, the opposite is working for me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it.” – Seth Meyers

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Just Another Bush?

Why would anyone think that Jeb Bush would be any different from his family? Not just his father and his brother, but also his grandfather, who profited from the rise of Nazi Germany.

It bad enough that Jeb Bush has said that he still supports the invasion of Iraq and that he might use torture in order to keep the country safe. But talk is cheap. It is his behavior that gives away how corrupt he really is.

When John Ellis “Jeb” Bush was governor of Florida, he started moving large amounts of the state’s investment funds into Lehmman Brothers. In 2005, he moved $250 million of pension funds for Florida police, teachers, and firefighters, earning Lehman more than $5 million in fees.

Then, in 2007 when he left office, Bush took a job with Lehman as a consultant, even though he had no experience in banking or finance, making around $1.3 million a year. That’s pretty good payback, but it didn’t stop there.

Soon after Bush started working for Lehman, his former colleagues on the Florida State board that makes decisions about pension funds gave Lehman additional business, moving an additional $420 million into the same fund that Bush used, and a whopping $842 million into Lehman’s mortgage-backed securities.

What’s suspicious about this is that warnings about financial troubles at Lehman Brothers had already begun to emerge. You know, the troubles that led to the collapse of mortgage-based securities and the “Great Recession”. A comprehensive study of the collapse of Lehman Brothers said that “signs of financial distress” were there starting in 2005, the year that Bush started throwing money at Lehman.

It only took a few months before the whole thing came crashing down. Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy in 2008. Florida sustained losses of up to $1 billion, destroying pensions of public workers. And Jeb Bush took a job with another bank, which he gave up only when he decided to run for president. Another revolving door.

According to an ethics group, “This is a breathtaking conflict of interest.” And a Senator who served on the panel that investigated the bank crisis of 2008 said that what Bush was able to do “shows once again that there is utterly zero deterrence preventing public officials from being on the receiving end of pay to play when they leave office.”

People are entitled to say that we should not judge Jeb Bush by the absolutely disastrous presidency of his brother. But how can we forget the horribly corrupt but perfectly legal things done by Jeb Bush himself, which enriched him while costing Florida close to a billion dollars.

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Late Night Political Humor

“There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, ‘It’s nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They’re now building a wall on the border.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump’s Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton’s arrogance is ‘breathtaking.’ Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That’s what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name.” – Conan O’Brien

“New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.” – Jimmy Fallon

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