Political Irony

“On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It’s too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.” – Jimmy Fallon [I love this joke – iron]

“Just 100 days into his candidacy, Rick Perry has become the first Republican candidate to drop out of the race. Even more disappointing, it was just 10 days after the LensCrafters free return deadline.” – Seth Meyers

“The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend was the annual National Federation of Republican Women Convention. Or as Donald Trump called it, a total dog show. He would do that and his approval rating would go up 15 points.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow ‘X.’ When they asked Trump about the ‘X’ he said, ‘Be more specific. I have many exes.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said in the latest issue of ‘Rolling Stone’ that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat.” – Seth Meyers

“A new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ was unveiled. Donald Trump is out, none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger is in. Apparently the key job requirements they’re looking for are orange and loud … If you have those then he’s got to say, ‘hasta la vista, baby,’ instead of ‘you’re fired!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the next host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’. Yeah, not only did they take the job from Trump, but NBC added insult to injury by giving it to an immigrant.” – Jimmy Fallon

“NBC announced today that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of next season’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Man, wait u” ntil Trump finds out he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby.” – Seth Meyers

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named the new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Wait until the apprentices find out exactly what you have to do when you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’re going to spend half the show just trying to understand what their assignment is.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she’s 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can’t tell the difference between their state and Vermont.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yes, Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn’t enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton — I don’t know, read her emails or something?” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton said she’d love to debate Donald Trump, and Bobby Jindal said he’d love to see over the podium.” – Stephen Colbert

“After Donald Trump attacked him on several issues yesterday, second-place GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson told reporters he ‘didn’t want to get into a gladiator fight’ with Trump. Especially since Trump comes with his own helmet.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview with CNN, Bernie Sanders said that he was stunned by the success he has had in the presidential race. That’s right, he’s stunned by his own success — and not, as I had assumed, a Taser.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. ‘Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“These days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed T-shirts, mugs, and trucker caps. Lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named Rand.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton’s ‘Chillary’ drink koozie. It’s her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.” – Stephen Colbert

“You’re not just buying useless crap, you’re doing your patriotic duty to buy useless crap. As Rand Paul says of his own online merchandise, ‘Thomas Jefferson would be proud.’ So much better than Rand’s original slogan, ‘Impress a slaveholder!'” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders has a great coffee mug that says ‘Feel the Bern.’ Which Senator Sanders was specifically told by H.R. not to say to his interns.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it?” – Stephen Colbert

“Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give ‘motivational speeches’. I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During yesterday’s rally supporting her opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. She apparently met her husband in a John Steinbeck novel.” – Seth Meyers

“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported Donald Trump’s immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should ‘speak American’. Then immigrants were like, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump’s continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt Romney. Just when you thought the GOP field couldn’t get any more interesting, you were right.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump’s candidacy ‘an unfortunate development’. Incidentally, ‘an unfortunate development’ is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that the U.S. economy created 173,000 jobs last month. The most common job created this summer was a teacher. The second most common? Republican presidential candidate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Davis, the county clerk who went to jail because she refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, got out of jail today. She says she believes in the sanctity of marriage so much that she’s been married to four different men.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you don’t feel comfortable signing a license to let gay people get married, that’s all right. Just quit. This was a Supreme Court decision. You’re a government worker. This is like refusing to issue drivers licenses because you’re Amish.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama has announced plans to rename Mount McKinley ‘Denali,’ after its original Native American name. Because it turns out it’s easier to rename a mountain than a football team.” – Seth Meyers

“Vice President Biden spoke to voters in Pittsburgh yesterday and continued to hint at a possible 2016 run. So no announcement yet, he was just there to rub elbows with voters. Rub elbows? Rub shoulders. Rub noses. Basically, if you got it, Joe Biden will rub it. Biden-rub, 2016. “– Seth Meyers

“Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Bush administration’s secretary of state, Colin Powell, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement ‘remarkable’ — while George W. Bush is calling the deal ‘nucular’.” – Seth Meyers