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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

“Over on the Democratic side, people are starting to get worried about Hillary Clinton’s slow response to all the negative headlines about her. When asked if that was a valid criticism, Hillary was like, ‘No.’ … ‘It’s not.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders popularity is surprising because he’s a self-described socialist, who would also be our oldest president ever. The man is 74-years-old. That’s five years older than Donald Trump and 50 years older than anyone Trump would marry.” – Stephen Colbert

“Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be featured on the cover of Time Magazine this week. It’s part of their new cover series ‘People Who Still Read Time Magazine.'” – Seth Meyers

“Sanders had 27,500 in the sport arena in Los Angeles In August, 11,000 in Phoenix, 28,000 in Portland on a Sunday. A guy in his 70s filling stadiums? Who does he think he is, a Rolling Stone?” – Stephen Colbert

“A Joe Biden adviser was reportedly overheard on an Amtrak train this week saying, ‘I am 100% Joe is in.’ But to be fair, he may have been talking about going to Coachella.” – Seth Meyers

“Because the FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.” – Seth Meyers

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Neutrality Rules!

Monday, October 5, 2015

Remember earlier this year Comcast and several telecoms (particularly Verizon and AT&T) were trying very hard to destroy net neutrality? So hard in fact that many customers of Netflix found that “network congestion” was slowing down or even disrupting their movie watching experience. These companies were claiming that that in order for internet capacity to expand they had to charge heavy users of the internet (and movies do transmit a lot of data) more because they use more.

Fortunately, they didn’t get their way. The FCC ruled that companies had to stop slowing down traffic in an effort to make more money.

And you know what? The “network congestion” magically went away. For example, one of the companies that was trying to alleviate internet traffic congestion was Cogent:

Speaking to investors during the Deutsche Bank 23rd Annual Leveraged Finance Conference, Dave Schaeffer, CEO of Cogent, said that the FCC’s adoption of net neutrality rules that include Title II regulation, and passage of similar rules in the European Union, have led to ports on other networks becoming unclogged.

In particular, the service provider has seen its connections to Comcast become uncongested, while it continues to add capacity to AT&T and Verizon where it has signed agreements.

So is this going to hurt capacity in the long run? Nope! Cogent is seeing the growth rate of the internet to reaccelerate from 3% back up to 10%.

I just hope we remember this the next time some big companies try to hold the internet hostage.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, October 4, 2015

“At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. ‘I wasn’t anywhere near that dude.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot 40 years ago. And Ben Carson was like, ‘Dude, I’m high right now. Why do you think I speak so slowly?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We learned some shocking news last night about one candidate. Jeb Bush admitted to smoking pot in high school. That explains a lot. He isn’t low energy, he’s baked.” – James Corden

“During last night’s debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, ‘If I apologized to wives I wouldn’t be on my third one.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Every time [the CNN debate] went to Donald Trump, Jeb Bush got this polite but disgusted look on his face. The same look a librarian would give you if you returned a book with a slice of cheese in the middle.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush said last night that he wants to see Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill. While Donald Trump said, ‘They make a $10 bill?'” – Seth Meyers

“There was a moment from last night’s debate that went viral. It was Donald Trump’s very awkward attempt to high-five fellow [candidate] Ben Carson. People today are describing it as the worst high-five in history. That was not a spontaneous gesture by Trump. Trump has been practicing that high-five for weeks. It was the only preparation he did for the debate.” – Conan O’Brien

“The most awkward handshake came courtesy of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson. It starts a as a high-five, then Dr. Carson comes in low. Then it turns into a tug of war. That wasn’t slow motion by the way. That’s the speed at which Ben Carson actually moves.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush admitted last night that he smoked marijuana in college. Not that shocking. But based on the speed he was talking, I’m pretty sure Ben Carson smoked marijuana at every commercial break.” – Seth Meyers

“Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby’s house. – Jimmy Kimmel

“Clearly last night the breakout star was former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina. This woman last night brought it and crushed it, after an admittedly slow start. In her defense, everything from HP does take a little while to warm up.” – James Corden

“Last night’s debate at the Reagan Library was the most watched program in CNN history. CNN said they were thrilled with the ratings but even happier they could finally show a plane that wasn’t missing.” – Conan O’Brien

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Stuff Happens!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

The news today is that Jeb Bush doesn’t even seem to be trying to run for president. When asked about the latest (45th this year, and counting) school shooting, he replied:

We’re in a difficult time in our country and I don’t think more government is necessarily the answer to this, I think we need to reconnect ourselves with everybody else. But I resist the notion—and I had this challenge as governor—because we had—look, stuff happens, there’s always a crisis. And the impulse is always to do something and it’s not necessarily the right thing to do.

When asked later if his saying “stuff happens” was a mistake, Bush got defensive and responded:

No, it wasn’t a mistake. I said exactly what I said. Why would you explain to me what I said wrong? Things happen all the time — things — is that better?

You can watch him make both statements on video.

Where was this Jeb “stuff happens” Bush during the Terry Schiavo case, when he intervened in a deeply personal tragedy, and overruled multiple court decisions to order a brain-dead woman’s feeding tube surgically reinserted over the wishes of her and her husband. When nine people are shot in cold blood, he doesn’t think more government is the answer, but he got a new law passed just to keep force feeding Schiavo.

Or when some right-to-life group makes misleadingly edited videos about Planned Parenthood and Republicans start screaming about how we need to pass laws to make abortions illegal (even though the Supreme Court ruled such laws unconstitutional), or at least make them much harder to get, will Jeb now tell them that “stuff happens” and they should chill out?

And I’m now waiting for Jeb Bush to tell the Benghazi committee that is supposedly investigating the death of four Americans, that “stuff happens” and we don’t need any more investigations into it.

But absolutely most importantly, after the terrorist attacks on 9/11, shouldn’t Jeb Bush have told his brother (the president) that “stuff happens” and that invading Iraq (a country that had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks) was not “necessarily the answer to this”? Instead Jeb Bush is to this day still defending his brother’s actions.

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Much Ado About Nothing

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Republican threat to shut down the government unless the budget took away all funding for Planned Parenthood was even weirder and stupider than you can imagine. And even more amazingly, this news was pointed out by Republican Congressman Tom Cole, and even weirder, it was done on Fox News.

So what’s the news? There is no funding for Planned Parenthood in the budget bill that was being debated. None. That’s right, conservatives were threatening to shut down the government if they didn’t get something, and they already had that something.

How can that be? After all, Planned Parenthood receives around $450 million each year in federal funds. And if you also include state funding, that equals 41% of their yearly revenue.

But as Cole pointed out, 90% of that money comes from payments from Medicaid, Medicare, and CHIP (the Children’s Health Insurance Program) for medical services performed (largely for poor people). And as most people know, Medicaid, Medicare, and CHIP are entitlements, whose funding is mandatory and does not go through the normal budgeting process.

The remaining 10% of the government funding for Planned Parenthood is from annual grants, given out under Title X of the Public Health Service Act. Those are discretionary spending, but they aren’t in the current budget bill either. Why not? Because those grants are given out in the spring. The current funding bill is only to keep the government operating until December 11. So this year’s grants were already paid, and next year’s grants won’t happen until next year.

Cole said on Fox News:

Well, first of all, look, on Planned Parenthood – there’s no money in the short-term (spending bill) for Planned Parenthood. Ninety percent of their money comes from Medicaid, not from anything we’re going to do. And the remainder is awarded on what are called grants. They’re all done in about April. There’s none left to do this year, literally none. So, the idea that we’re fighting over money for Planned Parenthood is — it’s a canard. It’s just not true.

And if you don’t believe Tom Cole (or me), PolitiFact rated Cole’s statement True.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, October 2, 2015

“If you’re watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like ‘Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on the soccer team a participation trophy. – Jimmy Kimmel

“A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, ‘Make it $2 million and I’ll STAR in them!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn’t like things that are filled with too much air.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. ‘The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.’ He’s right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people ‘losers’ and ‘morons’, he reads it off a card.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Olive Garden is bringing back its ‘Pasta Pass,’ which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.” – Conan O’Brien

“In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.” – Conan O’Brien

“After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun.” – Seth Meyers

“In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?” – Conan O’Brien

“As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives… It’s tight.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Doublethink

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

Doublethink is simultaneously accepting two mutually contradictory beliefs as correct.

While the outrage against Martin Shkreli for price gouging life-saving medicines was widespread, many of the same people want to repeal Obamacare, are adamantly against single-payer health insurance, and think that the US private for-profit health care system works just fine. Were they just not paying attention when insurance companies dropped sick patients, didn’t accept people with preexisting conditions, denied coverage to people with terminal or debilitating illnesses, all in the name of profit?

Shkeli may have overcharged by 5000%, but what about the hospitals who overcharge by 13600% for a $1 IV drip bag, or 3900% for a codeine pill.

Outrage is wasted if you don’t do anything about it.

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Partisanship

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Kevin McCarthy is the House majority leader and the likely person to replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House. He was interviewed on Fox News last night, and when pressed by Sean Hannity to list what McCarthy would fight for in the GOP-led House, he made a gaffe:

What you’re going to see is a conservative Speaker, that takes a conservative Congress, that puts a strategy to fight and win. And let me give you one example. Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right?

“But we put together a Benghazi special committee. A select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s untrustable. But no one would have known that any of that had happened had we not fought to make that happen.

The Benghazi panel is the longest running Congressional investigation in the history of the US (longer than Watergate), and that doesn’t include the investigations by seven other congressional committees that went before it. But it hasn’t actually come up with any results or recommendations to help prevent any future terrorist attacks. Instead McCarthy is using it as an example of a successful Republican strategy because it fulfilled a partisan goal: to lower Clinton’s poll numbers.

Is this the new McCarthy witch hunt?

UPDATE: The chairwoman of the House Republican Conference was booed and hissed at a public forum when she defended the Benghazi committee, saying its work “is very important”. She further claimed that “We’ve not yet had important questions answered.” However, prior to the current Benghazi hearing there have also been 13 hearings, 25,000 pages of documents, and 50 briefings. But the only question that the hasn’t been answered is the only one important to the Republicans, which is “how can we find something incriminating about Hillary Clinton.”

Special Bonus Update: Stephen Colbert talks about honesty:

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Muslims for Trump

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

[This is a guest post from Mahmood Shaukat]

In the election of Donald Trump may lie the salvation of American Muslims. My bags are packed; I’m ready to prove my loyalty to the United States of America by voluntarily moving into an internment camp. Hopefully, implemented under President Trump, these camps will be the biggest and best camps – ever. Obviously, built with my best interests in mind, these facilities will keep me safe from my Muslim self.

Decision making will come briskly under President Trump. His cabinet will be a match made in heaven. A triangle of portfolios to die (figuratively) for: Donald Trump as the President, Dr. Ben Carson as Dick Cheney, oops, I mean as the Vice President and Mr. Hukka-bee, as the Secretary of State. Other obvious appointments will have to be Mr. Sean Hannity as the White House Press Secretary and the very brief ceremonial appointment of UN Ambassador will be a toss-up between Michael Savage and Glenn Beck.

Those in the know predict: The Trump Presidency will have two most urgent top priorities. They will be even more important than repatriating the immigrants (illegal or not), to their homelands or building the Great Wall of Mexico (naming rights will belong to the builder):

1. Save the US from the United Nations.
2 Deliver the Muslims to their 72 virgins in waiting.

I clearly envision President Trump on TV, delivering his inaugural address and revealing the true meaning of the letters, “UN”. The letter U stands for the United States and the letter “N” stands for “No” to other nations, hence no need for the UN. The master deal maker knows best. No country dare challenge him or else. Say hello to the new big Trump United Plaza just off 1st Avenue and 43rd Street.

On the Muslim front, Prez Trump will have the inspirational advice of Vice President Carson and SOS, Hack-a-bee. Muslims of America will have to decide: live under the Law of Carson and Meccabee or bye, bye – go back to looking for a place to live under Sharia! Gone will be the days of living under the protection of the Constitution and believing in the separation of Mosque and State.

Meanwhile, if the SOS is successful and his prayers become a reality, Muslim countries from Tunisia to Indonesia can kiss their behinds good-bye. The nuke-fest they’ll experience will put Shock & Awe to shame.

There may be some unfortunate radiation side effects. Half of the Indian population may become ash due to the nuking of evil Iran, untrustworthy Pakistan and the hell-hole Afghanistan. Israel may suffer the same fate, an undue consequence of nuking Muslim Egypt, Jordan and ISIS Syria.

When the President will be asked for his comment on wiping out almost 1.2 billion Muslims, his reaction: “So?” will be for the ages. SOS Muckabee will claim ownership of the miracle: “The sacrifices of our Judeo Christian Jewish brothers and sisters have not gone to waste. The world is rid of the menace and the path is clear for the early arrival of the Messiah.”

I wouldn’t like to be around when the Messiah learns that He has been summoned unannounced for a re-entry and hears about the deeds done in His name to bring Him back.

I have recently became a US Citizen; My dilemma will be on how to manage the pledge I have made to preserve protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Meanwhile, Mr. Trump, Dr. Carson and Mr. Huckabee should avoid looking themselves in the mirror. They’ll be surprised to see their reflection with turbans on their heads and beards on their faces.

Mahmood Shaukat
New York

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

“Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn’t using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night Donald Trump had a big rally at the American Airline center in Dallas. Thousands of people came out to see him. Arena staff estimated the numbers between 9,000 and 15,000 people. ‘USA Today’ put the crowd at 17,000 people. The Trump Campaign says there were well over a million people there to cheer him on. It really is incredible how much bragging Donald Trump can squeeze into speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.” – Conan O’Brien

“People started lining up hours before the door opened. Some made up their minds they like Trump and others were there to learn more about a candidate they are considering. He speaks to us as Americans because it’s not politics as usual anymore. This is politics as unusual.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on Trump. In fact, the creator of ‘Dilbert’ predicted that Trump will win the presidency, and also compared him to Jesus. And people hope he’s right – cuz they would LOVE a three-day break from Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.” – Conan O’Brien

“New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon.” – Seth Meyers

“I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb’s baggage and he was like, ‘You lost my brother?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow night’s second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say ‘shhh…'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby.” – Conan O’Brien

“And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt ‘used’ by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, ‘Um, hello! That’s like 99 percent of my day!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college. It doesn’t give you a number, just tells you which Starbucks you’ll be working at and for how long.” – Conan O’Brien

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Risky Business

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Why is it that people become terrified over insignificant things, while totally ignoring the things that are really killing us.

And I think I am safe to say that this is not something that is limited to right wingers. For example, liberals who are afraid of immunizations.

In fact, liberals are generally afraid of things people put into their bodies, like gluten (or wheat), cow’s milk, nuts, or MSG. If you see someone eating a corn dog, a Twinkie, deep-fried butter, or even meatloaf, they are probably not a liberal. In fact, conservatives are 64% more likely to eat fast food a few times per week, and are 50% more likely to say that there is no significant difference between organic and processed food.

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The Capitalism of Scarcity, On Drugs

Monday, September 28, 2015

Chan Lowe
© Chan Lowe

I’m sure everyone has heard way too much about Martin Shkreli, the jerk who somehow managed to give hedge fund managers a bad name (make that a worse one than they already had).

What was the most terrible thing he did? Was it buying a 62-year-old inexpensive drug and increasing its price to $750 per pill? Or was it claiming that it was still underpriced, because the people who needed to buy it would likely die without it? Or was it when he took to twitter and started calling people “moron” (and other names) when they questioned his almighty profit motive?

Never mind that when he was a hedge fund manager he tried to manipulate FDA regulations on drug companies so he could short their stocks. Or that the last drug company he started fired him and is now suing.

Ok, there is plenty of evidence that he is an asshole. But don’t take everyone’s word for it, just listen to him yourself (if you can):

The real question is, what are we going to do about it? Shkreli has done us a huge favor. He has shown us the natural result of unregulated capitalism in an inelastic market. This is why monopolies used to be illegal, and should be again. When somebody corners the market on something you can’t live without, that isn’t commerce, it is robbery, extortion, and homicide.

And Shkreli is not the first robber baron to do this. Not even close.

But now that Shkreli has rolled back the price, are we just going to forget about this? I hope not. There is nothing preventing this from happening over and over again.

And if you aren’t worried because you don’t take any of those drugs whose price can skyrocket, just remember that he is still an asshole. Just wait until someone like Shkreli manages to corner the market on clean water.

I am for free markets, but free markets must be regulated. In fact, free markets cannot exist without regulation. There have to be rules that set a level playing field, otherwise we sink back into feudalism.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, September 28, 2015

“On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It’s too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.” – Jimmy Fallon [I love this joke – iron]

“Just 100 days into his candidacy, Rick Perry has become the first Republican candidate to drop out of the race. Even more disappointing, it was just 10 days after the LensCrafters free return deadline.” – Seth Meyers

“The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend was the annual National Federation of Republican Women Convention. Or as Donald Trump called it, a total dog show. He would do that and his approval rating would go up 15 points.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow ‘X.’ When they asked Trump about the ‘X’ he said, ‘Be more specific. I have many exes.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said in the latest issue of ‘Rolling Stone’ that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat.” – Seth Meyers

“A new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ was unveiled. Donald Trump is out, none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger is in. Apparently the key job requirements they’re looking for are orange and loud … If you have those then he’s got to say, ‘hasta la vista, baby,’ instead of ‘you’re fired!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the next host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’. Yeah, not only did they take the job from Trump, but NBC added insult to injury by giving it to an immigrant.” – Jimmy Fallon

“NBC announced today that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of next season’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Man, wait u” ntil Trump finds out he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby.” – Seth Meyers

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named the new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Wait until the apprentices find out exactly what you have to do when you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’re going to spend half the show just trying to understand what their assignment is.” – Conan O’Brien

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The Importance of Donald Trump

Sunday, September 27, 2015

New York magazine has a fascinating article “The Importance of Donald Trump” that claims that “Far from destroying our democracy, he’s exposing all its phoniness and corruption in ways as serious as he is not.”

They have a point. Trump is no worse than the rest of the GOP wing-nut presidential aspirants. At his most vulgar, he is simply removing the façade that hides the ugliness of our politics. After all, our politics is just as narcissistic and avaricious as Trump. If Trump is a turd, the rest are merely turds with added polish.

Maybe the truth will set you free.

As an added bonus, Donald Trump appears on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Hilarity ensues:

Maybe Colbert dropping his conservative persona left a void that Trump had to fill. Except that Trump is serious. Which is no stranger than the fact that many conservatives thought Colbert was absolutely serious, when he first started getting famous.

Colbert was right to drop the pretense, when reality became even more pretentious.

UPDATE: NPR, of all places, published a modest proposal that the House of Representatives elect Donald Trump to be Speaker. Ironically, the constitution doesn’t require the Speaker of the House to be an actual Congressperson, so he would be eligible. While he wouldn’t get to vote on legislation, his main job would be doing deals – how perfect is that? And it doesn’t look like any actual member of the House is really all that hot for what must be the most thankless job in the world. Trump could even do some redecorating.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, September 26, 2015

“President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she’s 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can’t tell the difference between their state and Vermont.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yes, Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn’t enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton — I don’t know, read her emails or something?” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton said she’d love to debate Donald Trump, and Bobby Jindal said he’d love to see over the podium.” – Stephen Colbert

“After Donald Trump attacked him on several issues yesterday, second-place GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson told reporters he ‘didn’t want to get into a gladiator fight’ with Trump. Especially since Trump comes with his own helmet.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview with CNN, Bernie Sanders said that he was stunned by the success he has had in the presidential race. That’s right, he’s stunned by his own success — and not, as I had assumed, a Taser.” – Seth Meyers

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