Political Irony

“Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the U.S., and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn’t believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, ‘This is just the Amtrak station, we haven’t gotten to the prison yet.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People went absolutely gaga for the Pope. In Philadelphia yesterday Pope Francis met with a family that had driven 13,000 miles from Argentina just to see him. It was an awkward moment when the Pope said, ‘I guess no one told you guys, I’ll be in Argentina next week.'” – Conan O’Brien

“After almost a week of very intense waving at people, Pope Francis is back home in Rome. It was nice to see Americans get excited about someone who wasn’t a Kardashian or a rat with a slice of pizza.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is in town for the U.N. General Assembly. And tomorrow, he plans to meet with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Obama will call him, ‘Uh … hey, chief!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russian President Vladimir Putin also addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. Unfortunately he addressed them as ‘My future Russians.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton went on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she’s flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she’s less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn’t own a phone.” – Stephen Colbert

“According to The Washington Post, when Clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5’5′ according to a height report from the Clinton campaign. But now, news sources say Hillary Clinton is 5’7′ tall. Hillary Clinton has added two inches. This couldn’t be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller.” – Stephen Colbert

“This sensation over Hillary’s elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. We don’t know at this point.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary says she opposes Keystone XL, but maybe she’s holding out for XXL.” – Stephen Colbert

“If Hillary continues to grow, think how big she’ll be when she finally reaches the Oval Office. We won’t have to worry about Iran because mega-Hillary can swat missiles out of the sky!” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is still going strong. We all thought that was going to last a couple of weeks and we’d all have a good chuckle, but it continues. On ’60 Minutes’ last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll by The Wall Street Journal has found that Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson are running virtually neck and neck. While Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are running without necks.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people ‘we’ll take care of you with free stuff.’ Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, ‘Eh, tell us when they discover beer.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday as Pope Francis rode down Fifth Avenue, Donald Trump actually stepped out of Trump Tower with his son, Donald Jr., and got booed by the crowd. Then Trump was like, ‘I guess they really don’t like you Donald, Jr.!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: ‘WHEEE!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker John Boehner announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner, John McCain said, ‘Oh I got a little blue pill for that.’ ‘No, BOEHNER. We lost House Speaker Boehner!’ It’s pronounced Bay-ner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. ‘Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis is in America. Can you feel it? There is a certain electricity in the air and the nation’s 70 million Catholics have the kind of excitement that we usually don’t have unless we’re asking forgiveness for it afterwards.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday at one of the Pope’s appearances, you probably saw the footage, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates.” – Conan O’Brien

“While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, ‘Eh, we’ve already got enough children our wives don’t know about.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless.” – Seth Meyers

“Our entire show is dedicated to Pope Francis’ historic visit to the U.S. It’s an hour long, so it might be the shortest Catholic service you’ll ever sit through.” –Stephen Colbert

“And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to ‘flee the temptation of narcissism.’ Then bishops were like, ‘Oooh! He’s talking about us!’ – Jimmy Fallon

“The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food.” – Conan O’Brien

“Of course Donald Trump did weigh in on the Pope. He said he likes the Pope very much but he doesn’t agree with him on climate change or immigration. He said he doesn’t believe in climate change or gravity. He doesn’t believe in either of those things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump said he doesn’t believe in climate change. He said if there’s a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on Fox News’ ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ tonight, but Fox canceled him after his recent comments criticizing the network. So if you want to hear about Donald Trump, you’ll just have to try CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, Bravo, Facebook, Twitter, or going outside.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then President Obama was like, ‘You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon on Sunday, both of them at once. That has not happened since 1982, it won’t happen again until 2033 — which happens be the year when Snooki is expected to be seeking the Republican nomination for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert on the tendency for politicians to say things that are completely meaningless. The last minute is amazing:

He’s especially harsh on Kevin McCarthy, showing a couple of video clips where the words coming out of his mouth are gibberish. This is from The Late Show Wednesday night, and Thursday McCarthy dropped out of the race to be the Speaker of the House. Coincidence?

“Pope Francis arrived in Washington, D.C., today. I saw that President Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get back to the airport, Obama was like, ‘Uber? I don’t know. It’s not my problem.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis’ plane touched down in Washington at 4 pm. I knew the moment he was here because I felt a disturbance in the guilt. What is that? Catholic, you are. That’s what Yoda says.” – Conan O’Brien

“That’s right, President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is a very humble man. He doesn’t believe in extravagance. He’s not a fan of commercialism or consumerism. With that said, this is how we welcome him here in the United States — with Pope Francis bobble heads, with Pope Francis dolls, T-shirts that say ‘Pope Is Dope.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope arrived in the U.S. today. I think that’s exciting. The Pope flew into Washington this afternoon on Lifelong Virgin Air.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis will fly on American Airlines while traveling between Washington, New York and Philadelphia, and not, as I had assumed, Virgin.” – Seth Meyers

“This is a historic day for the United States of America. Pope Francis visited our country for the first time ever today. The Pope is here until Saturday. He’s visiting Washington, D.C., New York, and Pennsylvania. Not even going to bother coming to L.A. He said it’s a lost cause, no point.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he’s only ever read about purgatory.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I love this Pope, but I wonder about this tweet he posted last week where he wrote, ‘I ask you to join me in praying for my trip to Cuba and United States. I need your prayers.’ Should we be offended by that? Maybe I’m being paranoid.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis’ visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they’re worried that if politicians touch the Pope they’ll burst into flames.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In addition to the ‘no shaking hands’, Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope’s visit. First, there’s ‘Don’t fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race last night. And in related news, a tree fell in a forest.” – Seth Meyers

“The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, ‘What’s your secret?'” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson defended his comments about Muslims being unfit for the presidency, and posted on Facebook that he believes Sharia law is the central tenet of Islam. While most people on Facebook believe ‘Sharia Law’ is a show about a black lady judge.” – Seth Meyers

“A company in Japan has released a robot that’s able to simulate some emotion. Either that or Hillary Clinton just made a surprise visit to Japan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, ‘Let’s be honest. I probably won’t make it out of Philly.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says ‘Pope’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope’s going to be at the White House. As Trump put it, Obama is letting another Hispanic guy in.” – Conan O’Brien

“I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate’s name is mentioned showed that Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump’s status has faded, because today, he was named a contestant on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In politics, an expert is saying that Donald Trump’s handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then he got scared.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican candidate Jeb Bush is struggling to get traction against Donald Trump. Trump is even dominating in Jeb’s home state of Florida, where the former governor is behind by 15 points. That makes sense that Florida likes Trump — they’re used to life-size cartoon characters with giant heads.” – Stephen Colbert

“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the second GOP presidential hopeful to drop out of the 2016 race. He says he looks forward to his new job as the picture in the dictionary next to the word ‘duh’.” – Seth Meyers

“Scott Walker, the presidential candidate who is famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized that all of his supporters could fit on his Harley.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tonight, I’ll be tangling with Texas senator Ted Cruz. He is the third presidential candidate I’ve had on the show. I want to interview all of them, but I only have 200 shows a year.” – Stephen Colbert

“Republican candidate and neurosurgeon Dr. Carson is quoted as saying a Muslim should not be elected president. He apologized for the mistake and said, ‘Hey, I’m no brain surgeon.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she’s gonna talk about the campaign, then she’s gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“All the presidential candidates are trying to woo millennials. I’m not sure college kids can identify with 22 people desperately fighting for one job. No surprise, the leader in the race to attract them on social media is Hillary Clinton. After all, a Clinton in the White House is the ultimate #ThrowbackThursday.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary has already released a millennial-friendly plan to handle student loan debt, saying no student should have to take out a loan to pay for tuition if attending a four-year public college. Amen. Paying off my student loan debt is the only reason I took this CBS gig. Twelve more years.” – Stephen Colbert

“Political experts say it is increasingly likely that the federal government will be forced to shut down on October 1 due to the dispute over Planned Parenthood funding. That’s right — ironically if lawmakers don’t fund Planned Parenthood, there is no Plan B.” – Seth Meyers