Political Irony

© Tom Tomorrow

I really think people in the future are going to look back at the present and slowly shake their heads in disbelief. Well, I gotta look on the bright side – there is plenty of good material for comedians, and bloggers like me.

A Brit living in the US tells us everything we need to know about today’s election in Canada, and breaks the law in the process:

UPDATE: “A Resounding Liberal Victory in Canada“. The conservatives were routed, going from holding a majority 159 seats in parliament to 99 seats in yesterday’s election. The Liberal party went from 36 seats to 184 seats, the first time in Canada’s history that a third-ranked political party had won a majority in a single election. Happy Election Day, indeed!

“Last week, the firefighters’ union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign’s in trouble when firefighters are like, ‘Even WE can’t put out that many fires.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview with Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump just says whatever he needs in order to ‘stir up the passions of people.’ Then Al Sharpton was like, ‘You know you’re talking to ME, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a speech in Tennessee, Trump talked about his decision to run for president, and said, quote, ‘I didn’t want to do this, I had to do this.’ Then he was immediately sued by Jeb Bush for stealing his campaign slogan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump confirmed in an interview today that he operates his own Twitter account. However, his mouth and his brain are run by interns.” – Seth Meyers

“A new report found that Donald Trump is no longer the most liked candidate on Facebook, and Ben Carson now has the most likes with over 4 million. Yeah, you can tell Carson was pretty excited because when he found out he actually opened BOTH eyes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the first time this primary season, a national poll has placed Dr. Ben Carson as the Republican front-runner. Carson was so excited about the news, his eyes almost opened.” – Seth Meyers

“Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn’t easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half.” – Seth Meyers

“I read that Donald Trump’s hotel chain may have experienced a data breach that may have exposed people’s debit and credit card information to hackers for more than a year. When asked how he planned on fixing the situation, Trump was like, ‘I’m going to build a huge firewall.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.” – Stephen Colbert

“This week in New Hampshire, Trump demonstrated he will not tolerate dishonesty from his opponents, like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio. Mr. Trump, to answer your call for political honesty, you’re not going to be president. It’s been fun. It’s been great. I love you!” – Stephen Colbert

“Ben Carson continues to rise in the polls. But a lot of people think he’s a little too laid back, or sleepy, to be president. When asked about hurricane Joaquin this week and how he would prepare, he said, ‘uh. I don’t know.’ Is he talking about a hurricane or did he just drink a hurricane?” – Jimmy Fallon

“More of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails were just released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, ‘Unfortunately, I’m leaning toward Trump.’ Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He’s got everything it takes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that’s very unlikely to happen, he replied, ‘Dad’s in first place for president, anything can happen.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is what happens when you give Donald Trump attention: Everyone else seems reasonable in comparison. Ben Carson is over here saying ‘You’re Hitler!’ ‘Obamacare is slavery!’ And we’re like, ‘Finally, an adult in the room!'” – James Corden

“Ben Carson has made a lot of controversial statements. He’s said prison turns people gay and that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. And that was just to his waitress at breakfast.” – James Corden

“Ben Carson talks like he forgot he had a press conference and just took a load of Benadryl. This guy is a retired surgeon. Apparently, instead of giving his patients anesthesia, he just talked to them until they passed out.” – James Corden

“Due to Hurricane Joaquin Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent the day stocking up on tons of groceries — and then he heard about the hurricane.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name ‘Joaquin’.” – Seth Meyers

“There’s another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio’s website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says ‘Water great nation.’ The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day. That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn’t going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can’t let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased.” – Stephen Colbert

“Jeb Bush, the front-runner who’s currently losing — if he won, Jeb Bush would be America’s third Bush president. Three presidents from the same family. Even I think that’s messed up, and I come from a country that still has a queen.” – James Corden

“Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they’ve received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That’s more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $3.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away. Meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven’t gotten around yet.” – Stephen Colbert

“Lawyers for Kim Davis say the embattled county clerk was given a secret audience with Pope Francis last Thursday. And since it was a workday, her schedule was wide open.” – Seth Meyers

“While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, ‘There’s a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview today, Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week ‘kind of validates everything’. Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.” – Seth Meyers

“Last week Pope Francis carved time out to meet with Kim Davis, the woman who refused to issue the same-sex marriage license in Kentucky. The reason they met is the Pope wanted to deliver a message to Kim about God, which was ‘Fire your stylist’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don’t leave me, Donald. Don’t you understand, if you go away, I’m going to have to talk about those other boring people. I’m going to have to learn their names. I think one of them is Marco Rubio. Am I saying that right? Is it Marco Rubio, or is it Mark O’Rubio? And for the record, I was just crossing two cultures.” – Stephen Colbert

“I like Donald Trump’s way of thinking. It’s not how much money you have, it’s how much money you feel you have.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times Magazine just did a big profile on Donald Trump, who some say is still the front-runner for the Republican nomination. And get this, it turns out that he usually gets only four hours of sleep at night. Which explains why today he looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re tired’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The story says that Donald Trump gets so little sleep, he actually suffers from sleep deprivation. Then again, so do most people who think about Donald Trump becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America.” – Conan O’Brien

“Governor Bobby Jindal’s presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the “Duck Dynasty” cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign.” – Conan O’Brien

“CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It’ll feel like you’re seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she’s not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!” – Stephen Colbert

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who’s following the NSA on Twitter?” – Jimmy Fallon

Actual sound clips from Donald Trump, acted out by your drunk neighbor. You know, that guy who lives near you who has a drinking problem:

“President Obama and Vladimir Putin met yesterday at the U.N., but the White House and the Kremlin have been disagreeing about who asked whom to meet. For my younger viewers, that means they were arguing about who swiped right first.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While in New York City, President Obama and Vladimir Putin met and the meeting was described as awkward. Apparently Obama was upset that he looks nothing like his Tinder photo.” – Conan O’Brien

“After their meeting got off to a tense start, Obama and Putin wound up talking for 90 minutes, and Putin described the talks as ‘surprisingly open’. Putin said it was the most productive conversation he’d ever had with someone who wasn’t tied to a chair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.” – Stephen Colbert

“The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of ‘infinite’.” – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, step one in lowering emissions is trading in their Volkswagens.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump told The New York Times that he’s only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump came out with this proposal for a new tax plan yesterday. Just like a real presidential candidate would do! It’s kind of adorable.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump plans to raise taxes on the very rich — which doesn’t include him because he’s very, VERY rich.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Under Trump you won’t have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year, if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year, and if you capture an illegal Mexican you won’t pay any taxes at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a speech Marco Rubio talked about the danger of electing a president who does not understand technology. Unfortunately, Rubio’s speech was interrupted when his beeper went off. He had to get to a pay phone.” – Conan O’Brien

“When asked today if his low poll numbers would make him consider dropping out of the presidential race, Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters, ‘Hell no’. Which, also, incidentally, is his poll number.” – Seth Meyers

“Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman Bob Brady decided he wanted a unique memento of the papal visit. After the Pope finished his speech to Congress, Brady helped himself to the very glass of water that the pontiff had been sipping from as he made his address. Congressman Brady, here’s the thing — it won’t give you superpowers. It’s not like getting bitten by a radioactive Pope.” – Stephen Colbert