“Joe Biden announced that he will not be running for president. He made the announcement with President Obama right by his side, and you could tell it was an emotional moment because at one point, Obama actually gave Biden a shoulder rub.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Following Joe Biden’s announcement that he will not run for office in 2016, Hillary Clinton said she is ‘confident that history isn’t finished with Joe Biden.’ Adding, ‘But I am! HA-HA!'” – Seth Meyers
“On ’60 Minutes,’ Vice President Joe Biden said he chose not to run for president because he couldn’t win. After hearing this, Bobby Jindal said, ‘Since when is that a reason not to run?'” – Conan O’Brien
“More good news for Hillary Clinton — Joe Biden is not running for president. As a voter I’m sad to lose Joe Biden but I can understand. Being a candidate sucks. It’s an ugly, nasty battle with a single bloody survivor. It’s like the hunger games. No, it’s more than that. It’s the hungry-for-power games!” – Stephen Colbert
“Analysts say Bernie Sanders has shifted his focus to more aggressive attacks on Hillary Clinton. In fact, Sanders is planning to go after her emails as soon as his granddaughter explains to him what an ’email’ is.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last week Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, what if two trees fall in the forest and there’s nobody there to hear it?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. It was the first time anyone has ever blown out the candles on a birthday cake and NOBODY wondered what they wished for.” – Seth Meyers
“Former President Bill Clinton served as the warm-up act for pop star Katy Perry at a rally for Hillary’s presidential campaign. Then he stood in the audience and yelled out, ‘Sing that one about you kissing another girl!'” – Seth Meyers
“Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, ‘Donald Trump’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One of the top Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Which is why this year, the phrase ‘trick-or-treat’ has been replaced with ‘gimme a Kit Kat or I’ll deport you’.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll conducted by the Associated Press shows a majority of Republican voters think Donald Trump is the most electable Republican candidate. Saying Donald Trump is the most electable candidate is like saying glazed is the healthiest doughnut. Is it possible people don’t know what the word electable means? Do they think it means delicious?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During a town hall meeting, Donald Trump was asked by Matt Lauer if he is nice enough to be president. Trump answered, ‘Of course I’m nice enough, baldy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said in an interview this weekend that Iraq is the ‘Harvard of terrorism.’ And he’s got a point: The only reason George W. Bush got into Iraq is because his dad went there.” – Seth Meyers
“Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa’s conservatives, Iowa’s evangelicals, and both of Iowa’s black people.” –Conan O’Brien
“Some politicians attack people with words. Not Ben Carson. He uses knives and hammers. Hammers, plural. Let’s not forget this man is a brain surgeon. Ben Carson would be amazing at the game ‘two truths and a lie.’ He’s like, ‘I’m one of the world’s best brain surgeons, I stabbed my friend with a camping knife, and my favorite flavor is vanilla. Got you — it’s strawberry!’ “– James Corden
“Ben Carson tried to kill one of his friends with a camping knife, but sure, let’s keep talking about whether Hillary Clinton used Yahoo or Gmail.” – James Corden
“All the candidates are trying to reinvent themselves, but sometimes they try a little too hard. Jeb Bush last week tried to appeal to a younger, hipper audience when he called ‘Supergirl’ pretty hot. Jeb Bush calling ‘Supergirl’ pretty hot is something your stepdad says when he’s trying to connect with you.” – James Corden
“Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is trying to get momentum going by releasing a new book. It’s a collection of emails he sent and received when he was governor of Florida. The book is called ‘Reply all.’ Because nothing gets people excited like group email.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In addition to the book, Jeb is launching the ‘Jeb can fix it’ tour. Their new slogan: ‘Jeb can fix it.’ Fix the election? That might be his only hope.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA … I guess my bologna really does have a first name.” – Stephen Colbert
