Political Irony

“Tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! It’s the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you’re single. And it’s raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O’Malley. Or as viewers call them, ‘Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders’ neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He’ll get it eventually.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and ‘Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater,’ Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things.'” – Stephen Colbert

“After the debate this week, online polls show Donald Trump is still in the lead, but critics say the poll is unscientific. Because even science can’t explain how Donald Trump is still in the lead.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said in a new interview, ‘We started off with 17 and one by one they’re disappearing. It’s a beautiful thing to watch as they go out.’ Which begs the question, have we actually just been watching ‘The Apprentice’ this whole time?” – Seth Meyers

“In a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president — to be his wall between America and Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that her hair isn’t real. Trump says he knows this because he saw her in line at his wig store.” – Conan O’Brien

“I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, ‘Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“GOP candidate Carly Fiorina is being criticized for repeatedly changing the story of how she met Vladimir Putin, where they met, and what they talked about. In other words, they DEFINITELY met on Tinder.” – Jimmy Fallon

“First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson’s mother is saying she’s the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was reported that the Republican candidates said Hillary Clinton’s name more than 40 times during the debate on Tuesday. Though usually you only have to say it three times before she appears.” – Seth Meyers

“The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. They like Bernie because he’s the only candidate who’s old enough to still be using the U.S. Postal Service.” – Conan O’Brien

“The next Democratic debate is being held this Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa, and will be broadcast by CBS News. And if that doesn’t do the job, try Ambien.” – Seth Meyers

“13.5 million viewers watched the debate last night, which was a record for the Fox Business channel. By the way, is Fox Business always a channel or is that a one-night thing? I’ve never seen that one before.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The debate was about the economy and I have to say it was not as much fun as the last one. It was mostly boring. And there are too many people on stage. It might be time to split the candidates into teams and make them play dodgeball or something to see who stays.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is ‘is Jeb Bush still running for president?’ Even worse, it’s the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush’s computer.” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson is still the front-runner despite the fact that many experts say he had a bad debate. I thought it went fine. His mouth kind of moved, words came out so we can hear him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ben Carson did say he’s tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she’s his most reliable fact-checker.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night’s presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, ‘Melania, keep clicking!'” – Seth Meyers

“Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia’s fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that’s also known, the best ‘Amazing Race’ team EVER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he got to know Vladimir Putin very well because they were on ’60 Minutes’ the same night, even though they were interviewed by different hosts in different locations. Then he said it was a pleasure to meet Flo the Progressive lady during the commercial break.” – Conan O’Brien

“During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said, ‘We need more welders and less philosophers.’ Graduates with a philosophy degree were so furious, they got on their parents’ computers and wrote angry emails.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton this week has begun telling the story of her attempt to join the Marines in 1975. But the closest she ever came to the Marines was buying a pantsuit at Old Navy.” – Seth Meyers

“The fourth Republican presidential debate was tonight! And if you’ve watched all four … you do know about Netflix, right?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight was the fourth Republican presidential debate featuring Donald Trump, Ben Carson, other people. Their names escape me.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m starting to get bored by these debates. No one asked me but I would like to see them have a drunk debate. Everyone gets loaded and we find out what they really think about things.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The debate was televised on the Fox Business Channel. Between now and November of next year, every cable network gets a debate. Next week is the E! News debate moderated by Ryan Seacrest and Caitlyn Jenner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Only the candidates polling above 2.5 percent got to be in the main debate tonight. The other guys were demoted to the kids’ table, the early debate. Good luck fighting Chris Christie for the McNuggets at the kids’ table.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH.” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday when asked if he could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, Jeb Bush responded, ‘Hell yeah, I would!’ I’m OK with him saying he’d kill baby Hitler. I’m not OK with him saying ‘Hell yeah’ he’d kill baby Hitler. It’s a complex hypothetical question, not a waitress asking you if you want another plate of chicken wings, Jeb.” – James Corden

“Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, ‘You gotta step up, man.’ And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, ‘You gotta step down, man.'” – Seth Meyers

“While we’re taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I’m kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. I think Ben Carson would travel back to his childhood so that he can really stab that guy.” – James Corden

“Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump actually claimed to already have a time machine. It is true. He said, ‘It’s huge and beautiful and I made Mexico pay for it.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump weighed in on the controversial decision by Starbucks to remove Christmas imagery from their holiday cups, saying, ‘If I become president, we’re all going to be saying Merry Christmas again.’ Though the only way I could see Donald Trump saying ‘Merry Christmas’ is if he’s correcting someone who just said ‘Feliz Navidad’.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald also weighed in on the important subject of Starbucks not having Christmas-themed designs on their cups this year. ‘I don’t care if you’ve got three yarmulkes on, you’re going to say Merry Christmas, damn it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, Donald Trump said that he’s thinking about boycotting Starbucks because ‘Merry Christmas’ isn’t printed on its red holiday cups. Trump was like, ‘Everything should have one of two things written on it: ‘Merry Christmas’ or my name.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be ‘saying Merry Christmas again.’ Which may be true, but if he becomes president, we’ll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.” – Conan O’Brien

“Because Donald Trump hosted ‘Saturday Night Live’, NBC is now obligated to give the other presidential candidates free air time. As a result, each candidate will appear as a tattoo on that girl from ‘Blindspot’.” – Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new ‘Triple Threat Box’, which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, ‘A wallet’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson recently went on Facebook to offer proof that the events he talked about in his life really happened. Which is ironic, because people usually go on Facebook to DELETE proof that events in their life happened.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. In other words, he’s new to Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien

“A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it’s a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report from CNN suggests that Ben Carson made up the stories of his violent temper from his youth, including one where he said he almost stabbed a kid. That’s how weird this presidential election is: A candidate is now in trouble because he DIDN’T stab someone as a kid.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson claims when he was a kid he tried to stab another kid but the kid’s belt buckle got in the way and saved him. Some people don’t believe this happened. So now he’s found himself in the very unusual position of having to say, ‘Yes, I did too try to stab somebody!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Ben Carson is drawing intense criticism after reports have surfaced that he may have embellished his history of violence as a teen, his scholarship to West Point, and other parts of his life story. Not only that, but it turns out the twins he separated were fraternal.” – Seth Meyers

“I had the cutest thing happen last night. I was putting my daughter to bed, and she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I said, ‘Mother Goose?’ She said, ‘No, Ben Carson.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson apparently has a painting of himself with Jesus. When he heard this, Larry King said, ‘Big deal, I have a selfie with Jesus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the media is unfairly fixating on Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben Carson said that Reince Priebus is a condition that can result in blindness if left untreated.” – Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, Ben Carson’s campaign launched a 60-second ad that features a rap about Ben Carson, aimed at young black voters. So you know what that means – it’ll do great with young white voters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, Jeb Bush said that his 91-year-old dad doesn’t give him much advice and instead, just drinks martinis and gets massages all day. When asked how many martinis he drinks, the massage therapist said, ‘As many as possible before I massage a 91-year-old man.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived on Friday. They’re calling the tree ‘Jeb’ because it’s a dying bush.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush also said that he’s learning to toot his own horn a little better, which is good because pretty soon he’s going to be the one driving his campaign bus.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone on the GOP side is about to get plenty of face time at tomorrow’s fourth Republican debate. All eyes are on Marco Rubio. He looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of standing next to Jeb Bush.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is actually starting to run some radio ads where he accuses politicians of being ‘all talk and no action’. Which is ironic – since radio ads are LITERALLY all talk and no action. That’s what radio is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After nearly seven years in office, President Obama has finally scored one of his biggest political achievements. That’s right, today Barack Obama joined Facebook.” – James Corden

“The president actually signed up this morning, which means by noon, Sasha and Malia had already started ignoring friend requests from him.” – James Corden

“SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘More killers set free under Obama.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Even Bernie Sanders is on Facebook, except he can’t log in without a modem and one of those ‘Free AOL’ CDs.” – James Corden

“Obama and Facebook actually have a lot in common. They both captured America’s hearts and minds eight years ago, and they both seem to bring out a lot of racism in people.” – James Corden

“Bernie Sanders this weekend argued against the major political fundraising families, saying, ‘That is not called democracy, that is called oligarchy.’ Bernie, you gotta dumb it down a little. Most Americans think ‘oligarchy’ is that place that serves unlimited breadsticks.” – Seth Meyers

“A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first combination pot store and gas station. On the downside, you’ll have no idea what you’re getting when you order the Premium Diesel.” – Seth Meyers

“As of yesterday the 2016 presidential election is just one year away, which means it’s only 11 months until voters start paying attention.” – Stephen Colbert

“As I’m sure you’ve heard, Donald Trump is in the building getting ready to host ‘Saturday Night Live’. There’s actually a lot of anti-Trump protesters outside the building — or as Trump put it, ‘Those people have been lining up for days to see me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump put out his first paid campaign ads today. He bought them himself. You know, he doesn’t take money from super PACs. He earns it the old-fashioned way, by selling cologne at Rite Aid.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview yesterday, Trump and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. CNN was like, ‘Guys, keep it down! You’ll wake the viewers!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President George H.W. Bush has a new biography coming out titled ‘Destiny and Power.’ While Jeb Bush has a new biography titled neither of those.” – Seth Meyers

“A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Ben Carson’s campaign today released a new 60-second radio ad that uses rap music to try to appeal to black voters. So there you have it: Get out and vote for Ben Carson on November 3rd, 1992.” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson said this week he would like to have a beer with Jesus. When reached for comment, Jesus said, ‘Oh, I have to work tomorrow.'” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that this week marks one year until the 2016 election. Or as Hillary calls that, ‘Five years until my re-election.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is here with us tonight and we’ll be touching on all the big topics: the economy, climate change, ISIS, whether Khloe should take Lamar back, everything.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report found that Hillary Clinton’s campaign most often eats pizza for meals. While Chris Christie’s campaign most often eats pizza for snacks.” – Seth Meyers