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Late Night Political Humor

“Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, ‘We don’t have $5 million.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“CNN was like, ‘Fine, we’ll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He’s treating the Republican primary like it’s an entertainment show and he is the star – which, let’s be honest, he is kind of exactly. It’s like ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ but with even worse celebrities.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“What Donald Trump should do is start firing his opponents one by one every week. Ted Cruz, you’re fired.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course CNN’s not just going to give Donald Trump $5 million. They’re not his dad, they’re a news network. You know that if Donald Trump wins we are going to have a Kardashian as president one day, right? It’s the only logical step forward.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“We’re into December and Donald Trump is still running for president, which I don’t even think even he expected would happen. According to a new Quinnipiac University poll, Trump is in first place among Republicans with 27 percent of the vote; Marco Rubio is in second place at 17 percent; Ben Carson is fast asleep somewhere, dreaming of sugarplums.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview with Charlie Rose yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can’t be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, ‘And especially they can’t bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don’t even think of sending money there, this weekend.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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A Happy New Year from Obama

Obama believes that not only was 2015 a good year, but 2016 will be even better:

And it looks like Obama has reason to be happy. According to Real Clear Politics, Obama has broken the “second term curse”.

What’s the “second term curse”? When a president is reelected, they often have problems midway through their second term. Nixon was forced out of office. Reagan had the Iran-contra scandal. Clinton was impeached. And Dubya had a double: Hurricane Katrina and a quagmire in Iraq.

But Obama has so far avoided any scandal like his two-term predicessors, and with one year left to go has already racked up a number of wins. Most recently a budget deal with the Republicans, but before that leading the push for climate change accords, the nuclear deal with Iran, normalizing relations with Cuba, huge wins for gay rights, stopping federal raids on medical marijuana users, and rejection of the Keystone XL pipeline (which especially didn’t make sense with the current low oil prices).

There is also good news that (despite the best efforts of the GOP to sabotage the economy, like with government shutdowns and tax cuts for the wealthy) the economy has finally recovered from the Great Recession. The median annual household income has just surpassed levels it was at before the recession started in December 2007.

I can’t wait to see what he accomplishes in the new year.

UPDATE: Yet another win, at least according to Jeb Bush. Bush is attempting a twofer, blaming the rise of Donald Trump on Obama, saying on NPR:

He would not exist were it not for Barack Obama. He is the [antidote] in some people’s minds to the politically correct, divisive policies of Barack Obama.

I guess he has a point. If Obama weren’t president, the GOP would not have had anyone to blame everything on, spewing hatred and lies for so long that their base doesn’t seem to be able to recognize the truth anymore. Which opened the door for Trump. Thanks Obama!

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The Year in Review – Part 2

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Can we take any more of this presidential race? Can we survive another eleven months? Is there anything that can happen that hasn’t already happened?

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Will Trump Destroy the GOP?

Eugene Robinson has an interesting opinion piece in WaPo titled “How Donald Trump destroyed the Republican Party in 2015”, as if it is a fait accompli. He does soften that, saying “An entity called the GOP will survive — but can never be the same.”

His point is that Trump has exploited the resentments and fears that have been so carefully cultivated and used by the Republican establishment to keep the base in line. However, the GOP action has never matched their rhetoric. Not on immigration, on abortion, on gay marriage, on terrorism, even on whether Obama was born on American soil. As Robinson puts it “Trump has given voice to the ugliness and anger that the party spent years encouraging and exploiting. He let the cat out of the bag, and it’s hungry.”

Bottom line? One of two things will happen:

The party might nominate Trump, in which case the establishment will have lost all control. Or party leaders might somehow find a way to defeat him, in which case they will have lost the allegiance of much of the base. In either event, the GOP we once knew is irredeemably a thing of the past.

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A Holiday Wish

Stuart Carlson
© Stuart Carlson

Aren’t we the land of the free and the home of the brave?

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Third Time’s a Charm?

Republicans keep trying to create a conservative utopia, with predictable results. First there was Kansas, where Sam Brownback showed us how to cut taxes and destroy the social safety net, and when that failed, they doubled down with even more tax cuts (for the rich) and spending cuts, with disastrous results.

But did they learn? No, then presidential hopefuls Scott Walker and Bobby Jindal just had to try the same thing in their states of Wisconsin, and Louisiana.

Wisconsin famously destroyed their public unions, but they also refused to expand Medicare and Medicaid, turned down money to build a high-speed rail system, and tried to recruit new businesses. But the result was that Wisconsin now ranks dead last in new business start-up activity.

Louisiana also tried severe austerity, but when their state university fell into the equivalent of bankruptcy and the economy got worse, Jindal became so unpopular even his own state didn’t support him for president.

What’s really embarrassing about these examples is that we have plenty of example of the opposite strategy working just fine. After the Democrats took over California from the Republicans, the economy boomed. While Wisconsin’s economy was sinking, next door in Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton raised taxes, raised the state minimum wage, passed a law guaranteeing equal pay for women, and made education a priority by pumping one third of the budget surplus into public schools. You know, all the things that Republicans say will kill jobs. But instead Minnesota’s economic growth is one of the highest in the US, and Forbes ranked Minnesota the 9th best state for business.

Note that we don’t have to compare one state to another for examples. In Minnesota itself, the previous governor was another (forgotten) presidential hopeful, Tim Pawlenty. Pawlenty called himself Minnesota’s first true fiscal conservative in modern history and prided himself on never raising taxes. But he left the state with a $6.2 billion deficit and only created 6,200 jobs in his eight years as governor (compared to 172,000 jobs created by Dayton in four years.)

Strike two. But apparently the GOP never learns. This just in, the state of Kentucky recently elected Matt Bevin as governor, and he immediately stripped voting rights from 140,000 people and lowered the minimum wage for government workers.

You may remember that Kentucky is the home state of Kim Davis, who refused to do her job and grant marriage licenses to gay couples. Well, Bevin used his new executive power to give Davis an out. As a side note, Bevin also said that he believes making same-sex marriage legal could lead to parents marrying their children.

I’ll be watching Kentucky, to see how it does. But it appears that the GOP is still testing the definition of insanity.

Albert Einstein

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They’re Everywhere!

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

Considering that our country is a total melting pot of different cultures, races, and ethnicities, it is amazing that we have a long history of freaking out about different groups over our entire history. Including the Irish, Chinese railroad workers, Catholics, the Japanese during WWII, and on and on.

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All Hail, the King of Whoppers

FactCheck.org, for the first time ever, has named a “King of Whoppers“. As they put it, “In the 12 years of FactCheck.org’s existence, we’ve never seen his match.” And that’s saying alot, as this has been a “banner year for political whoppers.”

You can probably guess the Master of Mendacity, it’s Donald Trump.

Not only is he the ultimate at untruths, he is unparalleled at doubling down on his deception, like “when he claimed to have seen nonexistent television coverage of “thousands and thousands” of Muslims in New Jersey cheering the collapse of the World Trade Center towers on 9/11 — and then topped himself by demanding that fact-checkers apologize for exposing his claim as fantasy.”

The have a (long) list of his whoppers. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that he is just warming up.

Not only that, but Trump has appeared on Fox News more than twice as much as any other candidate.

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Late Night Political Humor

“In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Forecasters say El Niño should bring much-needed rain to California. Meanwhile, Donald Trump said if elected president he won’t let El Niño into the country.” – Conan O’Brien

“It seems like as the election goes on, we’re actually starting to learn more about all of the candidates. For instance, I just saw that Chris Christie prefers texting to making phone calls. But I guess it starts to get annoying when he keeps texting ‘U up?’ to Domino’s.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, ‘Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Paul Ryan, the new speaker of the House, showed up to Congress with a brand new beard. It’s weird that he’s Speaker of the House, since it looks like he definitely shares an apartment with the other three guys in his band.” – James Corden

“This is the first speaker of the house to have any facial hair since Republican Frederick Jillette, who led the house from 1919 until 1925! Now incidentally, Paul Ryan is also the first politician in 100 years to have a beard that isn’t his wife.” – James Corden

“The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton’s maiden name ‘Rodham’ in articles about her, nor will they call her ‘Mrs. Clinton’ anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name ‘Lady Voldemort’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing.” – Conan O’Brien

“Amazon just unveiled new prototype drones for its Prime Air delivery service, and it said it hopes to deliver packages in under 30 minutes. Then people waiting to depart from LaGuardia were like, ‘How much weight can they hold? I’ll try it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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How Terrorists Are Born

Star Wars

At least his skin is the right color.

UPDATE: A reader sends links to conservative writers who actually believe this, and make the case that it is the Empire, not the rebels, that is the force for good in the Star Wars universe.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/act-four/wp/2015/10/29/the-destruction-of-alderaan-was-completely-justified/

http://www.weeklystandard.com/the-case-for-the-empire/article/2540

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Poor Climate

Senator Lindsey Graham dropped out of the presidential race. Why is this significant? Because he was the last remaining major Republican candidate who publicly accepted the scientific consensus of climate science. You know, that the climate is warming and we are the cause of it. Now there are none.

At the presidential debate in October, Graham said “I’ve talked to the climatologists of the world, and 90 percent of them are telling me that the greenhouse gas effect is real — that we’re heating up the planet.”

This past summer, Graham also said:

I know I’m not a scientist. But here’s the problem I’ve got with some people in my party: When you ask the scientists what’s going on, why don’t you believe them? If I went to 10 doctors and nine said, “Hey, you’re gonna die”, and one says “You’re fine”, why would I believe the one guy?

I appreciate this, but actually the percentage is 97%, so he would have to go to at least 32 doctors on average to find one that said he was fine.

And just a few weeks ago, almost 200 countries agreed that global warming is real and is a big problem, and pledged to do something about it.

So what are we left with? People like Donald Trump, who theorized that the Chinese created “the concept of global warming” in order to “make US manufacturing non-competitive.” Or Ted Cruz, who called climate science “not science” but “religion”. Or even Ben Carson, who called climate change “irrelevant”. And on down the line.

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The Year in Review – Part 1

This is one of my favorite things from Tom Tomorrow each year.

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

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Carly Fiorina is a Liar!

Salon has a great article titled “Carly Fiorina is a liar: And everyone should finally just say it — loudly“. So I am obliging them with my headline.

She famously claimed to have seen a horrific video about Planned Parenthood. But when confronted by the fact that said video simply does not exist, she doubled down:

I’ve seen the footage. And I find it amazing, actually, that all these supposed fact-checkers in the mainstream media claim this doesn’t exist.

This week, she did it again. At the latest Republican presidential debate she complained about generals who were unfairly fired by Obama and whom she would bring back into service:

Petraeus, McChrystal, Mattis, Keane, Flynn. Every one was retired early because they told President Obama things that he didn’t want to hear.

First of all, David Petraeus retired as a general because Obama made him his CIA director, and later he resigned from that job because of an extramarital affair that resulted in a security breach.

Even worse, former general Jack Keane retired in 2003, during George W Bush’s first term. Keane even went on Fox News and said that he has never even spoken to Obama, and flatly said that her statement about him was “not accurate”. In other words, it was a lie.

Then the media asked Fiorina if she had misspoken about Keane, but again she doubled down:

No, I didn’t misspeak. But he has been someone of great experience who has been highly critical of the way this administration has not taken threats seriously and unfortunately he hasn’t been listened to. I would listen to him.

Does she not see the irony in claiming that she would listen to him, when he just announced on Fox News that she is lying about him?

The article doesn’t say much about what must be her biggest lie: that she is running for president on her business record, when her most recent job as CEO of HP was an utter failure.

What worries me about all this is the emergence in politics of a new breed of liars – people who are not only willing to lie for no reason at all, but also when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of their lie, immediately double down by attacking their fact checkers and even acting outraged that anyone would accuse them of lying.

As the article in Salon puts it:

She makes firm, declarative statements that are unquestionably inaccurate, and when confronted with inarguable facts that prove her wrong, she insists against all evidence that she is correct and bristles at the very notion that anyone might challenger her. She does not care. She does not pretend to care. As far as Fiorina’s concerned, the fact that she said it is what makes it true.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump claimed to have ‘many Muslim friends’. However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was ‘The Genie from ‘Aladdin’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s popular ‘Make America Great Again’ hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees. – Conan O’Brien

“The ’80s rock band Twisted Sister has said Donald Trump can use their song ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’. Meanwhile, Ben Carson has not heard back from Motley Crue regarding ‘Dr. Feelgood’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Paul Ryan has become the first Speaker of the House in over 90 years to grow a beard. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is the first presidential candidate to sport a chocolate milk mustache.” – Conan O’Brien

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The Lighter Side of Unbridled Greed


© Benjamin Schwartz

Andy Borowitz also has some satire that is worth reading, about Shkreli’s lawyer raising his rates 5000% after his client was arrested.

If you have seen something funny about Shkreli, please post a link to it in the comments.

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