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Late Night Political Humor

“A new national poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more than 30 points ahead of Bernie Sanders among Democratic voters. I don’t want to say Hillary is overconfident, but at her last rally, she just stood behind the podium and drank champagne. ‘I got this.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the third Democratic presidential debate. Experts say Hillary Clinton needs to hold on to her lead. Bernie Sanders needs to try to catch up. And Martin O’Malley will be there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said ‘ohhhh, Buffett…'” – Seth Meyers

“The Department of Health announced it’s extending the enrollment period for Obamacare to January 1st. What better time to sign up for Obamacare than the day we all lie to ourselves about being healthier.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with ‘glaucoma’.” – Seth Meyers

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The Enemy of My Enemy

During Sunday night’s Democratic debate, the Republican National Committee did something unusual. They sent out four real-time emails to reporters defending Bernie Sanders against attacks from Hillary Clinton.

One of the emails defended Sanders’ single-payer health care plan. Another offered a rebuttal to Clinton’s attack on Sanders over gun control. A third defended Sanders’ argument that Clinton is too close to Wall Street and the pharmaceutical industry.

In addition, the chief strategist and spokesman for the RNC spent much of the evening live tweeting pro-Sanders commentary, even using the hashtag #FeelTheBern. At one point, he even chided Sanders for his poor response to a debate question and added “come on we are trying to help u“.

After the debate was over, a Republican PAC promoted the narrative that Sanders won the debate. And Karl Rove’s American Crossroads started attacking Clinton as a “Wall Street insider”.

Since when did the RNC develop a crush on democratic socialist Bernie Sanders?

Are they just trying to pick their opponent in the general election? After all, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said last week “We’re going to win every state if Bernie Sanders is the nominee.”

Even if Hillary retains her lock on the Democratic nomination, bolstering her main challenger will force her to use up campaign money too early, and may push her to the left, which the GOP could use against her in the general election.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Last night was the fifth Republican debate, and at one point Donald Trump was interrupted by a heckler yelling at him from offstage. Then the moderators said, ‘You’ll have more than enough time to speak at your next debate, Hillary.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because ‘nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night was yet another Republican debate. CNN’s GOP-alooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, the Venetian hotel and casino. The debate took place on the stage where ‘Phantom of the Opera’ played for over six years. Which explains Wolf Blitzer’s outfit.” – Stephen Colbert

“The fifth Republican debate was the third most-watched primary debate ever — 18 million viewers tuned in. More people watched the debate than the season finale of ‘The Voice.’ Maybe Carly Fiorina is the new Gwen Stefani.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Holding the debate in Las Vegas makes total sense. The stakes are high. There’s a lot of money riding on long shots. Most people are betting it all on red, or really orange.” – Stephen Colbert

“A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, ‘Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?'” – Conan O’Brien

“At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump immediately responded, ‘There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a ‘maniac’, he has since learned that Cruz has a ‘wonderful temperament’. And if Donald Trump thinks you have a ‘wonderful temperament’, you’re probably a maniac.” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable. I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Ben Carson began with a moment of silence, then continued the debate with many, many more moments of silence. Although he may have been taking a power nap.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Rubio Prefers Arms Scandal Over Negotiation

Like most Republican candidates, Marco Rubio condemned Obama’s negotiated release of prisoners from Iran, just like they condemned the nuclear deal that Obama negotiated to lift sanctions against Iran in exchange for Iran giving up their nuclear weapons ambitions.

Iran released five prisoners, including Washington Post reporter Jason Rezaian, who was convicted of espionage. In exchange, the US gave clemency to seven Iranians imprisoned or charged, not because of spying or even terrorism, but with sanctions violations.

The Republicans claim that the US citizens released by Iran were not prisoners, but were hostages, innocent of the charges used to imprison them. Rezaian’s situation was complicated by the fact that he holds dual US-Iranian citizenship. Iran does not recognize dual citizenship, so he was tried as an Iranian.

Of course, we will never know if Rezaian was actually spying for the US government. Personally, I don’t think so. However, the US has a long history of using journalists as spies, so it wouldn’t surprise me much.

But Rubio wasn’t content to just condemn Obama’s actions (it is typically a requirement to condemn Obama for anything he does). He had to take it one step further into irony.

Rubio claimed that Obama was weak, and that he (Rubio) would have negotiated with Iran the way Ronald Reagan did.

I guess Rubio is hoping that nobody will remember that Reagan (with Oliver North) sold arms to Iran (which was illegal trading with the enemy) in exchange for releasing US prisoners. Not content with one act of treason, Reagan and North then turned around and used the proceeds from the arms sale to Iran to illegally fund the right-wing Contra rebels who were trying to overthrow the democratically elected left-wing Sandinista government in Nicaragua. Reagan repeatedly lied about this, and later in a TV address to the nation even admitted he had lied. It was a huge scandal for Reagan, and was certainly grounds for impeachment (seems far worse than lying about sleeping with an intern). Not to mention a huge blow for America’s reputation.

But Rubio is holding up Reagan as an example of how to negotiate with Iran.

What’s next? Would Rubio like to overthrow the government of Iran and install a dictator, like we did with the coup in 1953 that installed the Shah of Iran and caused all the enmity between us?

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Late Night Political Humor

[I’m a bit behind on posting these. Sorry. Ironically, the jokes are still all pretty much the same. – iron]

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people’s attention. Then Bernie was like, ‘All right, leak the sex tape.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“The fifth Republican presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Now, obviously, we taped the show before it aired, but I think I can do a recap anyway — Trump offended minorities, Cruz dissed Obama, and John Kasich ate his podium out of frustration.” – Seth Meyers

“Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, ‘I expect to win Iowa.’ Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Chris Christie got moved up from what they call the kids’ table to the main debate. Apparently he ate everything on the kids’ table so they had to move him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger.” – Conan O’Brien

“The debate starring Donald Trump and friends took place at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, moderated by Celine Dion.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight’s Republican debate was held at the Venetian in Las Vegas, which means that for just one night, Celine Dion won’t be the loudest thing in Las Vegas.” – Seth Meyers

“Ahead of tonight’s Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump’s doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump leads Ted Cruz by 27 points in the new Monmouth poll. I don’t know if I trust these polls. Basically Donald Trump is leading among people who still answer their landline at their house.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After protesters interrupted a Donald Trump rally last night, some attendees were heard yelling the Nazi salute ‘Sieg heil’. Which is alarming, but it doesn’t mean that Donald Trump is the same as Hitler. It just means that if you looked up Hitler on Amazon, Trump might show up in the ‘You may also like’ section.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb is America’s fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans.” – Stephen Colbert

“Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25, you won’t receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It’s a political strategy borrowed from the mob.” – Stephen Colbert

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Gasoline below $1/gal!

A few gas stations in Michigan have lowered their price to below $1/gallon.

Thanks Obama!

Actually, I’m serious about thanking Obama. After all, his agreement with Iran has paved the way for them to start selling their oil, which is driving prices down. Iran has the fourth largest oil reserves in the world.

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The Toddler Menace?

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

Another sendup of one of my favorite ironic things – how Americans are scared shitless by relatively minor risks, while ignoring other risks that kill orders of magnitudes more people all the time.

We are willing to spend trillions of dollars fighting this thing called “terrorism” (despite the fact that we aren’t even very good at defining what it is), but refuse to spend money for things that would save far more lives. Like making sure everyone has health insurance.

Or how about launching a war on cancer? You are 33,842 times more likely to die from cancer than from a terrorist attack. Hell, we lose more people to suicide every year (41,149) than we have lost to terrorism in our country’s entire history, but we seem unwilling to spend money on mental health services.

And then there are shootings by toddlers, and death by furniture.

But things can change. I was going to mention car accidents, but Obama just announced he plans to spend $4 billion for research projects and infrastructure improvements for driverless cars. That could save 25,000 lives a year.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump’s statement about banning Muslim immigrants ‘disqualifies’ him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, ‘You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview with People magazine, President Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called ‘Fates and Furies’. While Hillary Clinton said HER favorite book of the year was ‘Whatever yours was.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the fifth Republican presidential debate. And if you’ve been keeping score, so far the winner of most of the Republican debates has been … Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Over on the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton has been responding to Donald Trump’s comments about banning Muslims with a message of love, and said she wants to ‘weed out hate’ and ‘plant love and kindness’ instead. Then Bill went in for a kiss and Hillary was like, ‘Not now. Later. I’m talking to the people.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new national poll, Donald Trump has support from 41 percent of Republican voters. This story was first reported when it was yelled by Donald Trump. – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, ‘Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.” – Conan O’Brien

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said today that Donald Trump is fanning the flames of hate. Which is what Donald Trump calls blow-drying his hair.” – Seth Meyers

“A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.” – Conan O’Brien

“The international climate talks in Paris wrapped up this weekend with 195 countries reaching a landmark agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. And then they all drove to the airport in 195 cars.” – Seth Meyers

“They’re predicting the film [Star Wars] could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we’re spending more than twice as much to see ‘Star Wars’ as we are to save the actual world.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Paris climate agreement calls for countries to try and keep the temperature of the planet from rising more than 2 degrees. Or in other words, they have the same attitude about the Earth’s temperature that your dad has about the thermostat: ‘Who turned this up?'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Drop Dead, Ted!

During the Republican debate this week, Ted Cruz referred derisively to Donald Trump’s “New York Values“. So New York gave Cruz the city’s official bird:

Drop Dead, Ted

The New York Post got in a jab against Cruz as well, saying about his “New York Values” jab:

That line aimed to get Iowa voters to contrast him with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But it rings pretty odd once you know of his history with at least two big New York banks.

The Post is referring to the revelation that Cruz borrowed $1 million from Goldman Sachs and Citibank for his Senate campaign and violated the law by not disclosing it to the FEC.

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Late Night Political Humor

“I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ‘cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it’s Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it’s pulling Donald Trump’s home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they’ll still be available at that other store, ‘Hate and Barrel.’ Or that OTHER store, ‘Walllllll-Mart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, ‘They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'” – Conan O’Brien

“During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.” – Conan O’Brien

“The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her ‘grandma’ for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter’s eyes and said, ‘This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In his interview with People Magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him ‘Grandpa Bern.’ Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. ‘You’ve got Grandpa Burn. That’s why it hurts when you go.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like ‘Never Let Me Go,’ ‘Can I Stay Here Awhile,’ and their newest single, ‘Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.'” – Seth Meyers

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Betting on the Odds

I guess you can’t get much more odd than the current presidential candidates, so you may as well bet on the odds. And you can. For the first time ever, the Atlantic Lottery Corporation (located in Canada) is taking bets on the US presidential election.

Here are the current payouts, based on a bet of one dollar a week ago:

DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE:

Hillary Clinton $1.05
Bernie Sanders $7.50
John Kerry $67
Martin O’Malley $67
Elizabeth Warren $101
Jim Webb $101
Andrew Cuomo $101

REPUBLICAN NOMINEE:

Marco Rubio $2.50
Donald Trump $3.25
Ted Cruz $3.25
Jeb Bush $8.50
Chris Christie $13.00
Ben Carson $51.00
John Kasich $101.00
Carly Fiorina $101.00
Mike Huckabee $101.00
Rand Paul $101.00
Michael Bloomberg $151.00

PRESIDENT:

Hillary Clinton $1.60
Marco Rubio $6
Donald Trump $5
Ted Cruz $8
Jeb Bush $19
Bernie Sanders $19
Chris Christie $23
John Kasich $101
Ben Carson $81
Carly Fiorina $101

As you can see, Hillary Clinton is the odds on favorite to win both the Democratic nomination and the presidency. Interestingly, Marco Rubio is more likely to get the Republican nomination than Donald Trump, but Trump is more likely to win the presidency. Ted Cruz is just as likely as Trump to win the GOP nomination, but is far less likely to be elected president than Trump, Rubio, or (of course) Clinton.

This is pretty much as I see it as well. Of course, in real life anything can happen.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, ‘So, does that mean there’s an extra plate at the dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night was the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, ‘I’ve changed my mind on immigrants.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.” – Conan O’Brien

“During an interview with Barbara Walters, Trump claimed he’s ‘the worst thing to ever happen to ISIS.’ Personally I feel he could have ended that sentence before the words ‘to ISIS.'” – James Corden

“Trump told Barbara he’s the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS. And I have to agree. People seem to forget this is the man who once fired Meat Loaf on television, a force to be reckoned with.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is talking about Donald Trump and the press release that he put out ‘calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.’ How is that going to work? I’m not sure how the TSA would be able to test for your religion. Though I will say their pat-downs are thorough enough to determine if you’re Jewish.” – Stephen Colbert

“A Scottish university today stripped Donald Trump of his honorary degree following his call to end all Muslim immigration to America. The degree of course was a B.S.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump this week angered a lot of people by proposing a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. But he’s sticking by it. He defended himself last night in an interview with Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters is technically retired but she comes back whenever there’s a natural disaster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Even J.K. Rowling, the author of the ‘Harry Potter’ books, got in on the action, saying that Donald Trump is worse than Voldemort. If Trump is basically Voldemort, I guess Hillary Clinton would be Hermione, Chris Christie would be Hagrid, and Rick Santorum would be Colin Creevey. And of course Bernie Sanders is like Dumbledore — not because they look alike, just because they both graduated college together back in the year 1784.” – James Corden

“Time Magazine today revealed their person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel. She is the first woman to be named person of the year on her own since Corazon Aquino. I know that because that issue of the magazine is still in my dentist’s office.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Not only is Angela Merkel the first woman to be honored as individual person of the year in 20 years, but she’s also the first person whose last name rhymes with ‘circle’ to get that award.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This morning Donald Trump tweeted, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked the person who is ruining Germany.’ First of all, I don’t think you want to go on record saying ‘I liked the old Germany better!'” – James Corden

“Of course Donald Trump weighed in on this. He tweeted today, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year. Despite being the big favorite, they picked the person who’s ruining Germany.’ Even in defeat he’s gracious.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time Magazine picked their Person of the Year and they chose German Chancellor Angela Merkel over Donald Trump. Trump tweeted that they picked ‘the person who was ruining Germany.’ Then Trump said, ‘Germany hasn’t had a great leader since the 1940s.'” – Conan O’Brien

“I love that Trump goes, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me.’ You don’t get to brag about not winning, just because you predicted it. That would be like if last Sunday Tom Brady was like, ‘See, I told you we’d lose to the Eagles! Did I call it or did I call it? Everyone said we’d win, but I was like, no way man. Nuh-uh.'” – James Corden

“Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn’t the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio said in a new interview that his favorite show is ‘The Walking Dead.’ When asked why, Rubio said, ‘I’m a senator from Florida — those are my constituents.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Some political pundits are predicting that if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic primary in New Hampshire, it will serve as a ‘death blow’ to the Bernie Sanders’ campaign. But Bernie’s hoping he still might have a shot in Old Hampshire.” – Seth Meyers

“The latest CNN/ORC Glade Plug-In Poll has her ahead of rival Bernie Sanders, 58 percent to 30 percent, with former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley registering just 2 percent — exactly the same as the milk that is more exciting than him.” – Stephen Colbert

“That 2 percent is up from 1.8 percent in November. That’s a .2 percent surge that some are calling ‘Martin O’Mentum.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Even though Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee, these days she’s harder to find than her emails.” – Stephen Colbert

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Cruzing for a Bruzing

On Tuesday I did a post about Ted Cruz, asking how conservatives could be fooled by his flimsy tea party credentials when he is married to an investment banker who works for Goldman Sachs.

Well, it is worse than that. In a story published on Wednesday, the New York Times discloses that the Cruzes lied about how he financed his Senate campaign four years ago. Ted Cruz and his wife have repeatedly claimed that they scrimped and sacrificed to fund his campaign.

But it turns out that what they didn’t mention is two loans totaling around a million dollars, which were never reported to the FEC (which is against the law). Where did these loans come from? From Goldman Sachs and from Citibank.

And far from scrimping and sacrificing, their investment portfolio actually increased during that time, even though they claimed that they had liquidated everything to finance his campaign.

And what makes this especially hypocritical is that Ted Cruz campaigns as an enemy of Wall Street and the influence of big banks (like Citibank) in Washington.

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If It Ain’t Broke

Pat Bagley
© Pat Bagley

Here’s a good summary of Obama’s final State of the Union address.

Right-wing media has convinced a lot of people that Obama is destroying our economy, sending illegal immigrants to take our jobs, waging war on Christmas, and plotting to take away our guns. But when you are dealing with voters who actually believe that Obama is a Muslim and wasn’t even born in this country, how are you going to get them to open their eyes to the fact that greedy and powerful people and organizations are using blatant propaganda to get us to vote against our own interests. Indeed, the worst thing you can say about Obama is that maybe he is not fixing the mess left by the last Republican administration fast enough.

UPDATE: I gained respect for Nikki Haley in her response to the SOTU, for her willingness to tell conservatives to “turn down the volume” of hate against immigrants. Of course, conservatives responded by turning up the volume. Ann Coulter tweeted that we should “Deport Nikki Haley” and called Haley an “immigrant”. Haley was born in South Carolina to parents who immigrated from India.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump’s campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a ‘total and complete shutdown’ of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump got a lot of people upset when he released a statement yesterday that called for a ban on Muslims entering the United States, and even Dick Cheney said he’d gone too far. You know it’s bad when Dick Cheney steps in to say, ‘Come on, have a heart, any heart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney said Donald Trump’s comments yesterday go against everything America stands for. Cheney said, ‘In other words, he’s got my full support.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said he would not put Muslims in internment camps. He said they would all stay at his luxurious new ‘Trump Hotel and Internment Resort.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“The New York Times analyzed the 95,000 words that Trump used in speeches last week and found patterns that aren’t common in most presidents’ speeches. Apparently Abraham Lincoln never insulted Rosie O’Donnell.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he could call Bill Gates and ask him to close down the Internet. Then Bill Gates said he could call Donald Trump and explain how the Internet actually works.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House pastry chef made a 500-pound dark chocolate gingerbread White House. Obama was like, ‘Uh, but you made a REGULAR gingerbread house for all the OTHER presidents…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama reportedly met Hillary Clinton yesterday for a secret lunch at the White House. And then when lunch ended, Hillary said, ‘OK, thanks for coming over.'” –Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels — especially because they’re made from his high school friends.” – Jimmy Fallon

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