Political Irony

“Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump’s statement about banning Muslim immigrants ‘disqualifies’ him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, ‘You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview with People magazine, President Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called ‘Fates and Furies’. While Hillary Clinton said HER favorite book of the year was ‘Whatever yours was.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the fifth Republican presidential debate. And if you’ve been keeping score, so far the winner of most of the Republican debates has been … Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Over on the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton has been responding to Donald Trump’s comments about banning Muslims with a message of love, and said she wants to ‘weed out hate’ and ‘plant love and kindness’ instead. Then Bill went in for a kiss and Hillary was like, ‘Not now. Later. I’m talking to the people.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new national poll, Donald Trump has support from 41 percent of Republican voters. This story was first reported when it was yelled by Donald Trump. – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, ‘Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.” – Conan O’Brien

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said today that Donald Trump is fanning the flames of hate. Which is what Donald Trump calls blow-drying his hair.” – Seth Meyers

“A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.” – Conan O’Brien

“The international climate talks in Paris wrapped up this weekend with 195 countries reaching a landmark agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. And then they all drove to the airport in 195 cars.” – Seth Meyers

“They’re predicting the film [Star Wars] could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we’re spending more than twice as much to see ‘Star Wars’ as we are to save the actual world.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Paris climate agreement calls for countries to try and keep the temperature of the planet from rising more than 2 degrees. Or in other words, they have the same attitude about the Earth’s temperature that your dad has about the thermostat: ‘Who turned this up?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ‘cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it’s Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it’s pulling Donald Trump’s home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they’ll still be available at that other store, ‘Hate and Barrel.’ Or that OTHER store, ‘Walllllll-Mart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, ‘They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'” – Conan O’Brien

“During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.” – Conan O’Brien

“The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her ‘grandma’ for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter’s eyes and said, ‘This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In his interview with People Magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him ‘Grandpa Bern.’ Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. ‘You’ve got Grandpa Burn. That’s why it hurts when you go.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like ‘Never Let Me Go,’ ‘Can I Stay Here Awhile,’ and their newest single, ‘Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, ‘So, does that mean there’s an extra plate at the dinner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night was the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, ‘I’ve changed my mind on immigrants.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.” – Conan O’Brien

“During an interview with Barbara Walters, Trump claimed he’s ‘the worst thing to ever happen to ISIS.’ Personally I feel he could have ended that sentence before the words ‘to ISIS.'” – James Corden

“Trump told Barbara he’s the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS. And I have to agree. People seem to forget this is the man who once fired Meat Loaf on television, a force to be reckoned with.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is talking about Donald Trump and the press release that he put out ‘calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.’ How is that going to work? I’m not sure how the TSA would be able to test for your religion. Though I will say their pat-downs are thorough enough to determine if you’re Jewish.” – Stephen Colbert

“A Scottish university today stripped Donald Trump of his honorary degree following his call to end all Muslim immigration to America. The degree of course was a B.S.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump this week angered a lot of people by proposing a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. But he’s sticking by it. He defended himself last night in an interview with Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters is technically retired but she comes back whenever there’s a natural disaster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Even J.K. Rowling, the author of the ‘Harry Potter’ books, got in on the action, saying that Donald Trump is worse than Voldemort. If Trump is basically Voldemort, I guess Hillary Clinton would be Hermione, Chris Christie would be Hagrid, and Rick Santorum would be Colin Creevey. And of course Bernie Sanders is like Dumbledore — not because they look alike, just because they both graduated college together back in the year 1784.” – James Corden

“Time Magazine today revealed their person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel. She is the first woman to be named person of the year on her own since Corazon Aquino. I know that because that issue of the magazine is still in my dentist’s office.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Not only is Angela Merkel the first woman to be honored as individual person of the year in 20 years, but she’s also the first person whose last name rhymes with ‘circle’ to get that award.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This morning Donald Trump tweeted, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked the person who is ruining Germany.’ First of all, I don’t think you want to go on record saying ‘I liked the old Germany better!'” – James Corden

“Of course Donald Trump weighed in on this. He tweeted today, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year. Despite being the big favorite, they picked the person who’s ruining Germany.’ Even in defeat he’s gracious.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time Magazine picked their Person of the Year and they chose German Chancellor Angela Merkel over Donald Trump. Trump tweeted that they picked ‘the person who was ruining Germany.’ Then Trump said, ‘Germany hasn’t had a great leader since the 1940s.'” – Conan O’Brien

“I love that Trump goes, ‘I told you Time Magazine would never pick me.’ You don’t get to brag about not winning, just because you predicted it. That would be like if last Sunday Tom Brady was like, ‘See, I told you we’d lose to the Eagles! Did I call it or did I call it? Everyone said we’d win, but I was like, no way man. Nuh-uh.'” – James Corden

“Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn’t the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio said in a new interview that his favorite show is ‘The Walking Dead.’ When asked why, Rubio said, ‘I’m a senator from Florida — those are my constituents.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Some political pundits are predicting that if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic primary in New Hampshire, it will serve as a ‘death blow’ to the Bernie Sanders’ campaign. But Bernie’s hoping he still might have a shot in Old Hampshire.” – Seth Meyers

“The latest CNN/ORC Glade Plug-In Poll has her ahead of rival Bernie Sanders, 58 percent to 30 percent, with former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley registering just 2 percent — exactly the same as the milk that is more exciting than him.” – Stephen Colbert

“That 2 percent is up from 1.8 percent in November. That’s a .2 percent surge that some are calling ‘Martin O’Mentum.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Even though Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee, these days she’s harder to find than her emails.” – Stephen Colbert