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Start-up Politician

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

As a political blogger who has started several (tech) companies, I have to admit that this comic is right on. Starting a war and starting a company are eerily similar.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump is on the show tonight, and I’m not saying security is tight, but the Secret Service just built a giant wall around the building — we had to pay for it!” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a Donald Trump rally yesterday, a man was kicked out for yelling, ‘This is boring.’ The man then went to a Jeb Bush rally and realized he owed Trump an apology.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican candidates aired a dozen new TV ads last week, even though recent data has shown that TV ads are mostly ineffective. Chris Christie was like, ‘If TV ads aren’t effective, why do I keep going to Wendy’s for their Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger, here ONLY for a limited time?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The truth is that the odds of you winning [the lottery] are 290 million to 1. That means are you about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words ‘President Jeb Bush.'” – James Corden

“Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders said that if he’s elected, he plans to spend $1 trillion to fight unemployment. When asked what they would do with that kind of money, unemployed people said, ‘Retire!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House revealed over the weekend that President Obama privately met with Bernie Sanders. And when she heard this, Hillary Clinton fake-smiled so hard, her ears touched in the back.” – Seth Meyers

“Tomorrow night is Obama’s last big event, the State of the Union. And this year, the president’s speech is going to be what his aides are calling ‘non-traditional.’ So I assume it’s maybe barefoot, on the beach, everyone’s in linen, rolled cuffs, and instead of a State of the Union cake, maybe cupcakes.” – Stephen Colbert

“Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s famous Bunny Ranch Brothel, has announced he will run for Senate in 2016. Even though the only experience he has with politicians is telling them to ‘come back soon!'” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was finally captured by Mexican authorities, six months after tunneling out of prison for the second time. It’s good they put him on a helicopter. Once it’s airborne, it makes the tunneling a little more hazardous.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mexican officials revealed Sunday that fugitive drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret doorway hidden behind a mirror. Which would have made it hard to capture him since Mexico has no extradition agreement with Narnia.” – Seth Meyers

“A day after he was caught, it came out that Mexican drug lord El Chapo actually sat down for an interview with Sean Penn while he was on the run. In the interview, El Chapo described himself as ‘a person who’s not looking for problems in any way.’ You know, except for that whole ‘Mexican drug lord’ thing. ‘I’m just a humble drug lord! I chop up my enemies one leg at a time, just like anybody else.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“El Chapo is the Mexican drug kingpin who was recaptured on Friday. He has been in hiding since he escaped from a maximum security prison in July and somehow wound up doing an interview with Sean Penn. Apparently he was hoping to get a movie made about his life. What a great plot twist, adding Sean Penn. I mean, the thing is writing itself. I wonder who Sean will get to play Sean in the movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they’re hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Open Primary Season!

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

As we enter both primary season and awards season, the entertainment industry should give some awards to the political parties and the news media. Like, “most creative use of reality”, and individual awards to Trump for “best leading role in a situation comedy” and the rest of the Republican candidates for “best supporting actors”. While Trump wins the “most attractive to cranky old white men”, Sanders walks away with “best cranky old white man”. For her part, Clinton could win the “most conservative campaigner with liberal policies” award. Cruz easily wins the “most popular candidate that nobody likes” award, and Carson should get the “best campaign led by someone who slept through most of it” award (the “Reagan” award).

Go ahead, gentle viewers. Nominate the candidates for the awards they deserve. I’ll see you in the comments.

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Justice for Obama?

A common question of presidential candidates is what kind of Supreme Court justice they would appoint. But at a campaign event in Iowa on Tuesday, someone asked Hillary Clinton if she would consider nominating President Obama to the Supreme Court.

Laughing in delight, Clinton replied “Wow, what a great idea. Nobody has ever suggested that to me. Wow. I love that. Wow. He may have a few other things to do, but I tell you, that’s a great idea.”

I love that idea too. As Electoral Vote points out, there is precedence for this. President William Howard Taft was nominated and confirmed by a vote of 60–4. And even though there are no job requirements to be a Supreme Court justice, Obama is well qualified as a lawyer who is well versed on the constitution. Plus Obama is relatively young, so he would be on the court for a while. And it would be difficult for the Republicans to block his nomination. What are they going to do, ask for more information about him?

Besides, it is a great campaign idea for Clinton, as it would help mobilize the black vote, and would make her (potential) presidency doubly historic.

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Late Night Political Humor

“At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn’t a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview on ‘Morning Joe’ yesterday, Donald Trump said that he thinks the media is starting to like him. Then the media said, ‘Like you? Have you seen our ratings? We LOVE you!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, gave an interview and said she remembers her first date with Donald like it was two months ago. Then it got awkward when she was like, ‘But the marks on my wall clearly show that it’s been 17 years, two months, and six days.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is questioning whether his opponent Ted Cruz is actually a U.S. citizen because, in 1970, Cruz was born to a Canadian-Cuban father and an American mother and I’m going to guess a crock of Dippity-do.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn’t have a Canadian passport, but like everyone else he’ll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president.” – Conan O’Brien

“Cruz has mocked the ridiculousness of Trump’s allegations by posting a video on Twitter of Fonzie from ‘Happy Days’ jumping the shark. Which I say proves Cruz is an American, because if he were a Canadian he would have released a video of Celine Dion jumping a Tim Hortons.” – Stephen Colbert

“Jeb Bush in a new interview this week spontaneously announced that he loves his mother more than his father. And then he ended up the interview by running up to his room and slamming the door.” – Seth Meyers

“An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton’s autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth… whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton complained about having to take selfies with voters, saying that it takes up too much time at campaign events. Yeah, good one, Hillary. That’s the way to capture the youth vote — directly criticize their favorite thing in the whole world.” – James Corden

“Hillary said she doesn’t like selfies because the interaction is very impersonal. She said, ‘If anything is going to be impersonal on this campaign trail, I prefer it to be me.'” – James Corden

“Meanwhile Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn’t figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.” – James Corden

“Our current president, the one named Obama, is gearing up for what will be his final state of the union address on Tuesday night. His aides have been describing the speech that he plans to give as nontraditional. Which probably means he’s going to do that ‘watch me whip, watch me nae nae’ dance.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We’re now just a few days away from President Obama’s final State of the Union Address. Which means Joe Biden only has a few days left to decide what weird thing he’s gonna do in the background.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden in a new interview said that he wakes up every day regretting that he didn’t enter the 2016 race. And every day Hillary Clinton holds the rag over his nose and he goes back to sleep.” – Seth Meyers

“The federal government today unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines, which recommends that people eat more fruit, vegetables, and whole wheat, or at the very least cut back on foods that have the word ‘triple’ in their names.” – Seth Meyers

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Reality, Virtualized

Berkeley Breathed
© Berkeley Breathed

The bad news is that this presidential race is longer than any previous one in history. At least it is more entertaining than most (well, at least the Republican side).

Anyone still think Trump will self destruct? Will Cruz pull ahead, despite the fact that nobody likes him? Will an establishment candidate like Rubio make a comeback, like Romney did last time?

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Late Night Political Humor

“At a rally in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders mocked Donald Trump for thinking that climate change is a hoax created by the Chinese. So, at this point, most people are starting to feel like Trump is a hoax created by the Chinese.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said she was initially attracted to Donald because of his energy. By the way, ‘energy’ is the Slovenian word for ‘money’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The former campaign manager for Dr. Ben Carson said today that it is becoming harder to see how Donald Trump will not win the Republican nomination — while Ben Carson said it’s becoming harder to see, period.” – Seth Meyers

“Very few people remember this, but Sen. Rand Paul is also an eye doctor, so I’ll ask him if he’s going to make America better? Or worse? Better? One? Or two? And he can ask Donald Trump ‘how many fingers am I holding up, Donald?'” – Stephen Colbert

“Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, ‘Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m a little worried about Bernie Sanders. He is currently trailing Hillary Clinton by 17 points. Americans have stopped ‘feeling the Bern’ and are now feeling more of a mild chafing sensation.” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders promised yesterday that if elected president, he would cap ATM fees at $2. Then he vowed to get banks to ‘Stop calling it a PIN number!'” – Seth Meyers

“Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson announced he is running for president as a Libertarian and he supports legalizing marijuana. You can tell he’s pro-marijuana, because he was supposed to announce he’s running four months ago.” – Conan O’Brien

“Since January 1st, Texas is allowing gun owners to carry their guns openly in most public places. However, you still have to conceal your science book.” – Conan O’Brien

“The FDA is planning to prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using e-cigarettes. The head of the FDA said, ‘It’s not for health reasons, they just make you look so douchey.'” – Conan O’Brien

“North Korea’s claiming that they successfully detonated their first hydrogen bomb. They haven’t perfected color television yet, but they do have a hydrogen bomb.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“North Korea announced last night that they successfully tested a miniaturized hydrogen bomb. The announcement was made by a miniaturized dictator. To him it looked like a great big regular-sized bomb.” – Seth Meyers

“North Korea announced yesterday that it has successfully carried out its first hydrogen bomb test. Either that, or they just got their first Chipotle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After they made the announcement, the people of North Korea were like, ‘This is great, now can we have food and shoes?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is ‘meeting up in Iraq’.” – Conan O’Brien

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Why I Won’t Vote for Sanders

I love the fact that Bernie Sanders is running for president. Unlike most Democratic politicians he is not embarrassed to be called a liberal. Heck, he’s not even embarrassed to be called a socialist (even though he technically isn’t one). Like some Republican politicians he speaks his mind and doesn’t mince words, and unlike those same politicians he doesn’t completely ignore reality.

Except in one area. Paul Krugman published an opinion piece recently, and I realized that some of the reasons why I love Bernie Sanders are the same reasons I don’t think he will make a great president.

The title is “Health Reform Realities”, and Krugman’s main point is that Sanders is ignoring political reality in this country when he says he wants to replace the ACA (Obamacare) with a single-payer, Medicare-for-all system.

It isn’t that I don’t believe that a single payer system is superior. I just don’t think it will ever happen. As Krugman points out, do we really want to re-litigate one of the biggest political successes in a half a century?

Indeed, another article points out that in Vermont, the home state of Sanders, he was unsuccessful at setting up a single-payer system just a few years ago. This, despite the fact that the governor, legislature, and even many hospitals and businesses were solidly behind the effort.

As recently as early 2014, everyone assumed that Vermont was going to get a single-payer system. I remember reading about it. But by the end of that year, they completely gave up on it.

Was it because of conservative opposition? No, it was because budget analysts figured out that it would require $2.5 billion in additional revenue, which would require raising the payroll tax by 11.5% and the income tax by 9% (essentially doubling state taxes).

Of course, many Americans would ultimately save money, because the increased taxes would be more than offset by the savings in health insurance premiums (which would drop to zero). But other people would have to pay more, which would likely cause a huge political backlash.

Part of the reason other countries have been able to set up single-payer systems is because they have kept health care prices down. Most countries do this by keeping the salaries of doctors and other health care professionals much lower than they are here. Imagine what would happen here if you suddenly slashed the income of all the doctors and nurses in the US!

Then imagine if you also slashed revenues for hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, medical equipment companies, etc. All hell would break loose. It was a big enough problem that Vermont simply gave up on their single-payer system.

And that’s ignoring the problems of getting a national single-payer system past a Republican congress. Good luck with that. It is hard enough to keep them from dismantling Medicare and Social Security.

What bothers me is that Sanders is being an ideologue, instead of a pragmatist. I would much prefer it if Sanders were coming up with popular ways to modify Obamacare in order to push us (slowly) toward a single payer system. For example, he could be proposing that we bring back the “public option” in the health insurance exchanges (which Republicans removed from the ACA). Nobody would be forced to choose that option, but it would be there competing with private health insurance, and if it turns out to be competitive and people like it, then it would grow. It gives people more choices and provides more competition.

Such a proposal has a much higher chance of success than ramming a single-payer system (like the one in Vermont) down everyone’s throats. And I think in the long run, it would have a significantly better chance of leading us to a single-payer system, if that is indeed a good way for us to go.

Finally, Electoral Vote has a good post on why even if Sanders is able to win the Democratic primary (which itself is highly unlikely), he has pretty much zero chance of winning the general election. His popularity now has more to do with the fact that the Republicans are not smearing him (like they did with John Kerry); instead they are actually currently helping him to try to hurt Clinton. Donald Trump is even claiming that he is responsible for Sanders rising in the polls.

I am happy to have Sanders playing the role of pushing Clinton to the more progressive end of the spectrum, but nominating him would be a big mistake for the Democrats.

I’m sure many of you disagree. Tell me why I’m wrong.

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The Year Obama Had No Fucks to Give

I somehow missed this article in Rolling Stone, titled “2015: The Year Obama Stopped Giving Any F–ks.

I won’t even quote from it, because some of the best parts are the photos and video clips. Feel free to go read it and have a good laugh.

And if that doesn’t satisfy you, here’s another good article: “You’ll miss Obama when he’s gone: Why Obama will be remembered as a good President and maybe a great one“. This article also includes a list of Obama’s worst failures. I tend to agree with their assessment, although a few of these failures were mainly due to GOP opposition and not because of a lack of trying on the part of Obama.

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Late Night Political Humor

“In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs, and said that aliens may have already visited Earth. When he heard that, Trump said, ‘Forget the wall. We need a dome! Just build a huge dome. A huge classy beautiful dome! We’ll make the aliens pay for the dome.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because ‘if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.’ And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open.” – Seth Meyers

“In an NPR interview last week, Jeb Bush revealed the ingredients for his guacamole recipe, but wouldn’t give away the specifics of how to prepare it. So now I guess we HAVE to elect Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, ‘That’s a long conversation.’ Of course, for him, ‘Hello, I’m Ben Carson’ is a long conversation.” – Seth Meyers

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Best and Brightest?

Jim Morin
© Jim Morin

Donald Trump claims he hires the “best and brightest”, but often the record shows otherwise, unless what they are best at included being a con artist.

And even if it were true, do we really want a president who is the delegator in chief? That sounds like the job done by Dubya, who pretty much delegated most things to his vice president.

To his credit, the look on Trumps’ face during Sarah Palin’s endorsement seem to say that he couldn’t understand a thing she said.

UPDATE: A reader sent me this link to The Shovel, which is Australia’s answer to The Onion. The title says it all: Palin Brings Much-Needed Intellectual Rigour To Trump Campaign.

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Late Night Political Humor

“According to a new poll, Donald Trump was the candidate Americans would least want to have as their neighbor. It makes sense, because he’d build a MASSIVE WALL between your yards and make YOU pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would ‘probably not talk as much.’ That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump released his first TV ad. The ad will air on the big four networks during prime-time, cable channels during the day, and on Univision when Hell freezes over.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s television ad mistakenly shows footage from Morocco instead of Mexico. Trump insists it’s not a mistake, and he’s going to build a fence along the US-Moroccan border and make Morocco pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien

“On ‘Face the Nation’ yesterday, Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz of copying his immigration reform plan, specifically his idea of building a giant wall. Then China said, ‘Uh, hello?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump called Bill Clinton a woman abuser and Hillary Clinton an enabler. Then he called the Clinton marriage ‘the best one I’ve ever seen’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say ‘whatever he needs to say’ to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said ‘Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.'” – Seth Meyers

“I imagine Jeb Bush’s resolution was probably to spend more time with his supporter. Hillary Clinton’s resolution is currently being focus-grouped. Donald Trump doesn’t have any resolutions because resolutions are for losers and he’s a winner. Bernie Sanders’ resolution is to catch that damn squirrel that keeps eating the food out of the birdfeeder.” – James Corden

“A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.” – Conan O’Brien

“Thanks to Congress, meat producers no longer have to tell consumers where their meat comes from. Upon hearing this, Arby’s said, ‘Waaay ahead of you, man.'” – Conan O’Brien

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Is Their Sand Glowing Yet?

While the Republican presidential candidates have been talking up a storm about how they would bomb the Islamic State (IS/ISIS/ISIL) back to the stone age and that Obama is too weak, Obama has been quietly, effectively doing something about the Islamic State. He’s been cutting off their sources of income.

First we blew up their oil refineries, tankers and trucks that were being used by IS to sell oil on the black market. Then we found and bombed the building that had been serving as their bank, destroying millions of dollars in cash.

Why has it taken so long? Because we were being careful to limit civilian casualties. No point in helping IS radicalize even more jihadists or foreign donors.

And that’s the whole point. Carpet bombing IS like the GOP chicken hawks want to do would only create sympathy for IS from Muslims around the world, which would result in them sending more money and fighters to IS. After all, the 9/11 attacks (carried out mainly with box cutters) didn’t require that much money. Overreacting to IS would just make the situation worse; overreacting to 9/11 by attacking Iraq was what made creation of IS possible in the first place. Using nuclear weapons against them (making the sand glow) would be one of the stupidest things we could do.

So is Obama’s strategy working? It appears to be working very well. A leaked document from IS (along with other corroborating reports) contains this revealing passage:

On account of the exceptional circumstances the Islamic State is facing, it has been decided to reduce the salaries that are paid to all mujahideen by half, and it is not allowed for anyone to be exempted from this decision, whatever his position.

Other evidence is that IS has lost 25% of its territory from their peak a year and a half ago. And controlling land is vitally important to IS, as they can’t have a caliphate without territory.

The downside of all this is that as IS loses territory and money, it will make them more likely to commit terrorist attacks abroad in a desperate effort to get us to overreact. Will we be fooled again?

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Colbert Channels Palin

Stephen Colbert tasers his brain so that he can channel the original material girl, after she endorsed Donald Trump with an incoherent stream of unconsciousness.

Why is Colbert on such a roll? Because Trump and Palin together are a comedian’s wet dream.

UPDATE: Glenn Beck seems to be a bit upset that Palin endorsed Trump:

I’m going to say it. I don’t care what Sarah Palin says any more. Sarah Palin has become a clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin. Honestly, I’m embarrassed… I don’t know who she is any more, I don’t know what she stands for. I saw a clip of her talking to Donald Trump. What the hell is that? I don’t even know who she is any more.

But the best part was that later on Facebook he said that maybe the media was right about Palin all along. Ya think?

UPDATE 2: Tina Fey returns to Saturday Night Live as Sarah Palin, to (as she puts it) “take a break from my full-time career of writin’ things on Facebook”:

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If you can’t Trump him, join him.

The Republican presidential race might have reached a tipping point. Up until now, the GOP establishment has been primarily ignoring Donald Trump – hoping he will go away – or occasionally taking pot shots at him. To their dismay, these shots have completely (and unsurprisingly) backfired, mainly because the environment of anger, racism, and incivility that feeds Trump’s popularity was largely created by the Republican establishment themselves (with the limitless help of Fox News).

But suddenly, the GOP establishment seems to be embracing Trump and even promoting him! What could make Trump so abruptly appealing? After all, Trump is still Trump (and might even be getting worse). How did this happen?

Two things. First, the Republicans have run out of establishment alternatives to Trump. After Jeb Bush bit the dust, their last hope was Marco Rubio, but they have come to the realization that Rubio doesn’t have the cajones to stop Trump. Instead, the race has already narrowed to two people. Secondly, and most important, as the Huffington Post puts it, “The GOP Establishment Has Found The One Thing That Can Make Donald Trump Palatable: Ted Cruz“.

Cruz has already done tremendous damage to the Republican party, including forcing a costly and unpopular government shutdown and pissing off almost everyone in Washington. His support is limited to the most hard-core right-wing evangelicals, and he doesn’t even try to appeal to other Republicans, let alone the independents who typically decide presidential elections. In fact, he delights in attacking everyone, wearing their hatred of him as a badge of honor. And on top of all that, Cruz isn’t even a very good evangelical.

Plus there is the question of whether Cruz is even eligible to be president.

The GOP establishment has come the realization that Cruz could be the bomb (or perhaps straw) that destroys the Republican party. As Bob Dole put it on Wednesday, it would be “cataclysmic” if Cruz wins the primary. “If he’s the nominee, we’re going to have wholesale losses in Congress and state offices and governors and legislatures.”

The same day, former Senate majority leader Trent Lott said that he would prefer Trump over Cruz. The day before that, the governor of the all-important state of Iowa, Terry Branstad (the longest serving governor in the country), broke his neutrality to encourage Republican caucus goers to vote against Cruz. And then, out of the blue, Sarah Palin endorsed Trump.

Ted Cruz represents an existential threat. While Trump – despite the fact that he is racist, sexist, even fascist – is all bluster. Perhaps the GOP is hoping that the voters won’t take him seriously.

Indeed, so what if Trump loses to Clinton? As one anonymous GOP establishment figure put it, “I’m rooting for Hillary. She can’t win a mandate, so we hold the House and don’t get slaughtered in the Senate. We will have a great midterm in 2018 running against her. We are a great opposition party.” They figure that they can distance themselves from Trump more easily, limiting the collateral damage.

As another anonymous GOP activist put it, there is a “feeling that with Trump, it’s easier for House and Senate candidates to separate themselves from the top of the ticket versus a fellow senator and particularly one who is running a hard-right campaign with no apparent desire to do outreach to independents and minorities.”

And that is how Donald Trump became the darling of the Republican establishment overnight.

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