Political Irony

“Today is the Iowa Caucus and tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That’s the day the groundhog peeks out of the hole, sees Trump has won Iowa, and burrows to Canada.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Iowa caucuses are an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. First one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the first day of Black History Month. And when you think about it – what better way to celebrate Black History Month than with a caucus in Iowa.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders said if he beats Hillary Clinton in Iowa, it will be, ‘one of the biggest political upsets in the modern history of our country.’ It’s true, nothing like it has happened since the last time Hillary Clinton ran in Iowa.” – Conan O’Brien

“Analysts say that for Bernie Sanders to win he needs college students to show up at the polls. Which explains Sanders’ new campaign slogan: ‘I’ve Got Pizza!'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is planning to visit a U.S. mosque for his first time as president. When asked why, Obama said, ‘I wanted to go to the one place in America where I won’t see Donald Trump.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We tape our show before the results are in so we don’t know who won either primary yet. All we do know is that Jeb Bush lost.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush hasn’t done a good job of marketing himself. First mistake was to eliminate the word Bush. The slogan was Jeb! With an exclamation point, which is not a slogan, it’s just his name with upbeat punctuation. But then ‘Jeb can fix it’ which sounds like a local roto-rooter or someone’s uncle’s YouTube channel.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious’. And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said ‘these guys are crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Earlier tonight on Fox News was the Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump, which is kind of like Corn Flakes without the milk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If this were WWE, Donald Trump would have shown up in Iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and started beating everyone over the head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s ‘an eye for an eye’. When told the actual quote from the New Testament is ‘turn the other cheek’, Trump said, ‘Hey, no gay stuff’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he’s having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He’s had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who’s kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and Sloth; which in this case is living on his head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song ‘Hello.’ And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton’s terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert’s previous fake persona was a parody of blowhard Bill O’Reilly. Who knew that the two of them could have one of the most sensible and entertaining discussions about current politics? Heck, I even agree with a couple of O’Reilly’s points.

© Jack Ohman

With instant translations.

Today is the New Hampshire primary. The first actual primary. Who is going to be voted off the island?

Will Michael Bloomberg run for president after all?

I’ve been predicting that Marco Rubio would win the GOP primary, but depending on what happens in New Hampshire (after Rubio did his best impression of a robot who cracks under pressure during the last debate), I may have to eat my words.

UPDATE: Here’s a funny video of Rubio contradicting himself:

So now Obama is not just a fascist socialist, he also simultaneously does and does not know what he’s doing (both incompetent and dastardly cleverly evil).

“Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words, she’s still got it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the ‘most unelectable’ Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said ‘whoops, never mind.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new report, emails on the private server Hillary used when she was secretary of state did indeed have classified information in them. This was described as above top secret stuff. Which I didn’t know there was an above top secret. You think top would be top. But I guess it’s like ‘America’s Top Model,’ they’re not really top” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bernie Sanders is having a very good week. He doesn’t know how to use email so that’s not a problem.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter ‘Malala’ instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out ‘I don’t want to run for president anymore.'” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia’s name, and it sounded like he said ‘Malala.’ Then his brother George was like, ‘Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as ‘Malala.’ When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, ‘Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 ‘fringe presidential candidates.’ The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” – Seth Meyers

“The ‘best countries’ report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. According to them, the best country in the world is Germany. Although at first Steve Harvey said Colombia and everyone got excited.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he’s going to sell a lot more hats, that’s for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel