Political Irony

“President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. He started by saying he would give a shorter speech, which seemed to get the most applause of the night.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. It was the president’s shortest State of the Union address, clocking in at 58:49. Mine would have been however long it takes to say, ‘You’re on your own, suckers.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During his speech, President Obama criticized companies for not being loyal enough to their employees. Yeah, employees would agree, but they were busy buying Powerball tickets so they could quit their job.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If you’re a Republican you don’t want to get caught agreeing with anything Obama says because it could ruin your political career, so you have to sit there and make a face like you’re witnessing your family getting eaten by coyotes through the whole thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused the same-sex marriage licenses, was also at the State of the Union address. She was sporting her meanest scowl and her fullest mullet for the event. She said she was there to encourage all Christians — she even wore Joseph’s amazing Technicolor dream coat.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said last night that he treated his last State of the Union address just like his first, because he’s ‘just as hungry’. Probably because he’s only been allowed to eat kale for the last seven years.” – Seth Meyers

“Obama saying he’s going to keep it short is like Donald Trump saying, ‘Enough about me’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While commenting on the State of the Union, Donald Trump said President Obama is ‘living in a fantasy land.’ Donald Trump then went to sleep in his solid gold bed with his supermodel wife.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has been endorsed by one of the country’s most prominent hate groups — his ex-wives.” – Conan O’Brien

“New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary’s lead in national polls is dwindling. I don’t want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, ‘You said we had a deal!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie’s really picking up some momentum. In fact yesterday, he received an endorsement from the progressive website MoveOn.org. As opposed to, Jeb Bush, who was just endorsed by the website ‘No, seriously. MoveOn.org!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight, President Obama gave his final State of the Union address, and a lot of people said it had a more optimistic tone. That’s right, instead of seeing the glass half-empty, Obama sees the presidency seven-eighths OVER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight before a joint session of Congress, President Obama delivered his seventh and final State of the Union address. In this one he tried to focus on the positive. For example, he’s positive nothing he proposes will get done over the next year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the lead-up to tonight’s State of the Union address, House Speaker Paul Ryan accused President Obama of plotting to set verbal traps for Republicans. Responded Obama, ‘Losersayswhat?'” – Seth Meyers

“Republicans control both houses so it’s going to be very difficult for the president to pass any new legislation. The only bill more unpopular than a bill from President Obama right now is a Bill Cosby.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as ‘a balance of terror and reality’. Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House joined Snapchat yesterday. It’s a great platform for the White House, because moments after you make a promise, it magically disappears.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama tonight delivered his final State of the Union address. Now, we tape this show early, but I’m guessing he was interrupted dozens of times by applause and twice when Hillary Clinton tried to tag in.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, ‘Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Tonight was Paul Ryan’s first State of the Union as speaker of the House. But get this, Ben Carson recently said that several Republican congressmen actually tried to recruit HIM for the job. Of course then they’d have to call him ‘whisperer of the House.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio’s campaign said that it expects to lose the first four states in the primary elections, but thinks he can win the nomination anyway. Which is sort of like not getting a rose on ‘The Bachelor’, and being like, ‘Call me!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The other Republican candidates keep attacking Marco Rubio implying he’s a child. However, Rubio has hit back against these charges, threatening repeatedly to ‘tell Mom’.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been nearly two weeks since members of an anti-government militia took over a federal bird sanctuary in Oregon in order to protest the government’s control of federal lands. The members of the militia are heavily armed with AR-15s, AK-47s, and other lethal weaponry one would expect to find on a bunch of dudes guarding some cockatoos.” – James Corden

“Ammon Bundy, the leader of the militia, has compared his occupation of the wildlife refuge to that of Rosa Parks. And I think we all remember when Rosa Parks got on a public bus, sat down, then whipped out an AK-47 and threatened to kill anyone who made her change seats.” – James Corden

“The militia are short on supplies, and have released a wish list of items they hope people will donate to their cause. You have to see this list. These guys did not plan ahead. They’re asking for four aprons, ice scrapers, candles, throw rugs. It’s like a wedding registry for the most boring couple you know.” – James Corden

“There is only one thing they say they needed badly on this list — eggs. They need eggs badly, at a bird sanctuary.” – James Corden

“Ben & Jerry’s ice cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being, we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As you all know, Sean Penn recently interviewed El Chapo. Not to be outdone, Keanu Reeves now wants to interview El Niño.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is on the show tonight, and I’m not saying security is tight, but the Secret Service just built a giant wall around the building — we had to pay for it!” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a Donald Trump rally yesterday, a man was kicked out for yelling, ‘This is boring.’ The man then went to a Jeb Bush rally and realized he owed Trump an apology.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican candidates aired a dozen new TV ads last week, even though recent data has shown that TV ads are mostly ineffective. Chris Christie was like, ‘If TV ads aren’t effective, why do I keep going to Wendy’s for their Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger, here ONLY for a limited time?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The truth is that the odds of you winning [the lottery] are 290 million to 1. That means are you about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words ‘President Jeb Bush.'” – James Corden

“Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders said that if he’s elected, he plans to spend $1 trillion to fight unemployment. When asked what they would do with that kind of money, unemployed people said, ‘Retire!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House revealed over the weekend that President Obama privately met with Bernie Sanders. And when she heard this, Hillary Clinton fake-smiled so hard, her ears touched in the back.” – Seth Meyers

“Tomorrow night is Obama’s last big event, the State of the Union. And this year, the president’s speech is going to be what his aides are calling ‘non-traditional.’ So I assume it’s maybe barefoot, on the beach, everyone’s in linen, rolled cuffs, and instead of a State of the Union cake, maybe cupcakes.” – Stephen Colbert

“Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s famous Bunny Ranch Brothel, has announced he will run for Senate in 2016. Even though the only experience he has with politicians is telling them to ‘come back soon!'” – Seth Meyers

“On Friday, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was finally captured by Mexican authorities, six months after tunneling out of prison for the second time. It’s good they put him on a helicopter. Once it’s airborne, it makes the tunneling a little more hazardous.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mexican officials revealed Sunday that fugitive drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret doorway hidden behind a mirror. Which would have made it hard to capture him since Mexico has no extradition agreement with Narnia.” – Seth Meyers

“A day after he was caught, it came out that Mexican drug lord El Chapo actually sat down for an interview with Sean Penn while he was on the run. In the interview, El Chapo described himself as ‘a person who’s not looking for problems in any way.’ You know, except for that whole ‘Mexican drug lord’ thing. ‘I’m just a humble drug lord! I chop up my enemies one leg at a time, just like anybody else.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“El Chapo is the Mexican drug kingpin who was recaptured on Friday. He has been in hiding since he escaped from a maximum security prison in July and somehow wound up doing an interview with Sean Penn. Apparently he was hoping to get a movie made about his life. What a great plot twist, adding Sean Penn. I mean, the thing is writing itself. I wonder who Sean will get to play Sean in the movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they’re hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

© Berkeley Breathed

The bad news is that this presidential race is longer than any previous one in history. At least it is more entertaining than most (well, at least the Republican side).

Anyone still think Trump will self destruct? Will Cruz pull ahead, despite the fact that nobody likes him? Will an establishment candidate like Rubio make a comeback, like Romney did last time?

“In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs, and said that aliens may have already visited Earth. When he heard that, Trump said, ‘Forget the wall. We need a dome! Just build a huge dome. A huge classy beautiful dome! We’ll make the aliens pay for the dome.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because ‘if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.’ And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open.” – Seth Meyers

“In an NPR interview last week, Jeb Bush revealed the ingredients for his guacamole recipe, but wouldn’t give away the specifics of how to prepare it. So now I guess we HAVE to elect Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, ‘That’s a long conversation.’ Of course, for him, ‘Hello, I’m Ben Carson’ is a long conversation.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, Donald Trump was the candidate Americans would least want to have as their neighbor. It makes sense, because he’d build a MASSIVE WALL between your yards and make YOU pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would ‘probably not talk as much.’ That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump released his first TV ad. The ad will air on the big four networks during prime-time, cable channels during the day, and on Univision when Hell freezes over.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s television ad mistakenly shows footage from Morocco instead of Mexico. Trump insists it’s not a mistake, and he’s going to build a fence along the US-Moroccan border and make Morocco pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien

“On ‘Face the Nation’ yesterday, Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz of copying his immigration reform plan, specifically his idea of building a giant wall. Then China said, ‘Uh, hello?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump called Bill Clinton a woman abuser and Hillary Clinton an enabler. Then he called the Clinton marriage ‘the best one I’ve ever seen’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say ‘whatever he needs to say’ to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said ‘Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.'” – Seth Meyers

“I imagine Jeb Bush’s resolution was probably to spend more time with his supporter. Hillary Clinton’s resolution is currently being focus-grouped. Donald Trump doesn’t have any resolutions because resolutions are for losers and he’s a winner. Bernie Sanders’ resolution is to catch that damn squirrel that keeps eating the food out of the birdfeeder.” – James Corden

“A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.” – Conan O’Brien

“Thanks to Congress, meat producers no longer have to tell consumers where their meat comes from. Upon hearing this, Arby’s said, ‘Waaay ahead of you, man.'” – Conan O’Brien