Political Irony

© Jack Ohman

With instant translations.

Today is the New Hampshire primary. The first actual primary. Who is going to be voted off the island?

Will Michael Bloomberg run for president after all?

I’ve been predicting that Marco Rubio would win the GOP primary, but depending on what happens in New Hampshire (after Rubio did his best impression of a robot who cracks under pressure during the last debate), I may have to eat my words.

UPDATE: Here’s a funny video of Rubio contradicting himself:

So now Obama is not just a fascist socialist, he also simultaneously does and does not know what he’s doing (both incompetent and dastardly cleverly evil).

“Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words, she’s still got it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the ‘most unelectable’ Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said ‘whoops, never mind.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new report, emails on the private server Hillary used when she was secretary of state did indeed have classified information in them. This was described as above top secret stuff. Which I didn’t know there was an above top secret. You think top would be top. But I guess it’s like ‘America’s Top Model,’ they’re not really top” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bernie Sanders is having a very good week. He doesn’t know how to use email so that’s not a problem.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter ‘Malala’ instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out ‘I don’t want to run for president anymore.'” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia’s name, and it sounded like he said ‘Malala.’ Then his brother George was like, ‘Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as ‘Malala.’ When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, ‘Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 ‘fringe presidential candidates.’ The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” – Seth Meyers

“The ‘best countries’ report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. According to them, the best country in the world is Germany. Although at first Steve Harvey said Colombia and everyone got excited.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he’s going to sell a lot more hats, that’s for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he’d go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he’d build them, he said, ‘Right in front of the White House.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying ‘There’s nothing like it.’ Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, ‘Well, then you’re all set.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because ‘Trump’ sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.” – Seth Meyers

“Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show ‘Running Wild’ with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.” – James Corden

“People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That’s nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.” – James Corden

“At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he’s got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: ‘Hell-no’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.” – James Corden

“Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter’s Deli brings him the wrong soup.” – James Corden

“In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, ‘1879’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.” – Seth Meyers

“Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘You had me at L.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It’s like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he’s started signing every bill in Congress with: ‘Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack.'” – James Corden

“Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld’s show, ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.’ How about less ‘comedians in cars getting coffee’ and more ‘presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress.'” – James Corden

“While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying ‘two Corinthians’ instead of ‘Second Corinthians.’ And, several times, instead of saying ‘God’ he said ‘Donald Trump’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is Martin Luther King Day. And Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning so that means six more weeks of racism.” – Seth Meyers

“At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having ‘New York values’. Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel.” – Conan O’Brien

“South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham on Friday endorsed Jeb Bush for president. Though I imagine getting an endorsement from Lindsey Graham is about as helpful as being backed up in a bar fight by Lindsey Graham.” – Seth Meyers

“Last night from Charleston, South Carolina was the Democratic presidential debate between Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and an unidentified man on the side — I’m told his name is Martin O’Malley.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night Martin O’Malley looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce hearing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said her husband would serve as her ‘kitchen table’ advisor. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said his wife would serve as his ‘hand rails in the bathroom’ advisor.” – Conan O’Brien

“During last night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders got the most speaking time. As well as the most speaking volume. Bernie Sanders talks like he always has a bad connection.” – Seth Meyers

“In a sense the debate was a victory for Bernie Sanders. He made it through the whole thing without dying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republican candidates held another debate in South Carolina, and it went on about half-hour longer than expected. Which isn’t bad, considering Trump’s campaign has gone on half a year longer than expected.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has been endorsed by a whites-only group. In response, Trump said, ‘I’m proud to be the official candidate of the U.S. Ski Team.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump tried bringing up polls that showed him winning, and the crowd actually started to boo. Trump was like, ‘See, even ghosts love me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls?” – Seth Meyers

“I read that there are actually four stars in the universe named after Donald Trump. You believe that? A burning ball of hot air has stars named after him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan ‘I’m telling!'” – Seth Meyers

“We have former secretary of state and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton on the show tonight. Backstage she told me she’s a huge fan of the show and I was like, ‘I know, I read it in your emails.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that in the last month, Hillary Clinton’s lead in Iowa has shrunk from 9 percent to 2 percent. Meanwhile, her fake smile has grown 200 percent.” – Seth Meyers

“President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world’s most effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats, Putin said, ‘You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They’re rats.'” – Jimmy Fallon