Political Irony

“Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, ‘Must be nice’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary’s team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It’s important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. Which means the only one who’s safe is Ben Carson.” – Seth Meyers

“What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has ‘never met a human being who’s lied’ as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, ‘You tell ’em, handsome!'” – Seth Meyers

“When Barack Obama was asked if Donald Trump could be president, he said, ‘I continue to believe Mr. Trump will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people.’ A president with faith in his citizens? I trust everything this guy says.” – James Corden

“President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people ‘recognize that being president is a serious job. It’s not hosting a talk show.’ Maybe I don’t get to do ‘serious’ stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I’ll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I’m thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell.” – James Corden

“Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun?” – James Corden

Apparently some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel have launched a campaign for Hillary Clinton called ‘Hookers for Hillary’. Yeah, they want to donate money to the Clintons – or as they call it, ‘Giving back’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to the latest national poll, Hillary Clinton’s lead over Bernie Sanders has narrowed to ten points. Also narrowed, Hillary Clinton’s eyes.” – Seth Meyers

“Marco Rubio is being criticized for opening his new campaign ad with the slogan ‘It’s morning again in America,’ but showing stock footage images of Vancouver, Canada.” – Seth Meyers

“Actually during his speech at the rally, George W. Bush said his brother Jeb is the guy who can fix the problems that inflame our country’s frustrations. Or in other words, Jeb is America’s Preparation H.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Several political experts have put together a short list of who they believe president Obama is considering for the Supreme Court nomination. Meanwhile, the GOP has put together their own short list.” – Seth Meyers

“Congratulations to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on winning their parties’ New Hampshire primaries last night! In his speech, Bernie said he couldn’t have done it without the support of millions of Americans. While Trump was like, ‘This was ALL me! You losers did nothing!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“America has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper. ‘You will grow to love them.’ But now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders won their respective party primaries. It was a great night for loud men with crazy hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Every four years Iowa goes ‘Hey, how about this,’ and New Hampshire goes, ‘No, stupid, this.’ And last night in the Granite State, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump each crushed their competition by 20 points, turning our entire political system upside down.” – Stephen Colbert

“According to the exit polls, Trump and Sanders were the number one choice among white voters and since that’s the only kind of voter they have in New Hampshire, it worked out well.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Outsiders are the insiders. Socialists are the establishment. These are now acceptable hairstyles!” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders is the first Jewish person ever to win a presidential primary. Which is why he celebrated his victory by telling the crowd, ‘It could be worse!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Following his victory in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders has become the first Jewish candidate in U.S. history to win a primary. Afterwards, Bernie held a press conference where he answered questions with a question.” – Seth Meyers

“One candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, Hillary Clinton.” – Stephen Colbert

“The real story of last night’s primary was John Kasich, who out of nowhere managed to take second place with Republicans. It seems like Kasich’s major selling point is that he’s not Trump, Cruz, or Jeb.” – James Corden

“On the Republican side, Gov. John Kasich came out of nowhere to finish second despite the fact that no one has any idea who he is.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the big surprises last night was Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who came in second for the Republicans. And some celebrities are even starting to support him, even Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, a spokesman for Schwarzenegger said it’s not an actual endorsement. When asked why, Schwarzenegger was like, ‘Because even I am afraid of Hillary!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Ash Wednesday — that’s the first day of Lent when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio.” – Conan O’Brien

“In related news, Chris Christie just dropped out of the race and endorsed Bernie Sandwich.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After last night’s New Hampshire primary it looks like Chris Christie is out, which isn’t surprising — he doesn’t look like the kind of guy who wins a lot of races.” – James Corden

“Jeb Bush came in fourth place. He came in fourth place, but he told CNN that he considers that a win.” – James Corden

“People say Jeb Bush may be finally hitting his stride; in fact one supporter said that Jeb is getting, quote, ‘very loose. And when he’s loose, he’s on fire.’ Jeb said he knows people want to see him get loose, because his crowds are always chanting, ‘Looser! Looser!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Is it possible for a man to be sadder than Jeb Bush? We are a week away from Jeb Bush walking on stage at the debate just wearing sweat pants, eating cereal directly out of the box, and just going, ‘Oh, what’s the point.'” – James Corden

“In New Hampshire, 64 percent of Republican voters want to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. The other 36 percent are familiar with the Constitution.” – Conan O’Brien