Political Irony

“Donald Trump’s plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, ‘Nothing, I just couldn’t take it anymore.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump somehow made the list of nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize. He’s on the list, right next to Pope Francis, which might seem ludicrous because it IS ludicrous. But Trump is excited about it. He might be the first person ever to campaign for Nobel Prize consideration.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said in a new interview that President Obama visited a mosque yesterday because ‘he feels comfortable there.’ Or maybe it’s just because it’s the one place Obama knew he’d never run into Donald Trump.” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that the way he alleviates stress is by singing show tunes. Whenever he’s feeling anxious or overwhelmed, like right before a debate, he calls her and sings Broadway show tunes into the telephone. Make no mistake, he still believes that marriage is a sacred union between one guy and one doll.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Marco Rubio campaign is now selling a T-shirt that calls Marco Rubio ‘bae’. Hillary Clinton called it ‘such a desperate attempt to appeal to young people, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first.'” – Conan O’Brien

“At last night’s CNN town hall debate for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, ‘Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During last night’s Democratic town hall Hillary Clinton told voters, ‘I never thought I’d be standing on a stage here asking for people to vote for me for president.’ Because she thought she’d already be done being president by now.” – Seth Meyers

“There was another debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire. They’ve already had so many debates they’re starting to run out of things to fight about. Tonight they sat there quietly like an old married couple at a restaurant.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I’ve had good endurance my whole life.’ Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: ‘ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!'” – Seth Meyers

“A tattoo shop in Vermont is currently offering a free tattoo of the outline of Bernie Sanders’ head. Or as they’re calling it, a ‘gramp stamp’.” – Seth Meyers

“On Monday, Hillary Clinton narrowly won in Iowa, with the final results showing that she beat Bernie Sanders by less than 1 percent. And you thought Bernie was mad at the 1 percent BEFORE.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren’t actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it’ll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, ‘And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz ‘illegally stole’ the election. Trump said, ‘Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election.'” – Conan O’Brien

“After the caucus in Iowa, the candidates who had no chance to win are finally starting to realize that and drop out. Rick Santorum announced he’s suspending his campaign after he finished 11th in Iowa and Rand Paul is suspending his campaign after finishing fifth. I like that they call it suspending, as if their campaigns got caught having sex under the bleachers and will be back in a couple of weeks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, ‘I can’t take a hint.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb Bush finished sixth behind Rand Paul who dropped out, but Jeb Bush is still running. He doesn’t know what to do — if he loses he can’t go home because his father and brother will laugh at him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rand Paul deserves a lot of credit. He said time and time again he believes in smaller government. Now that he’s out of the race the government is indeed one person smaller. That’s called practicing what you preach.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O’Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they’ve decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. It’s not the first time Spitzer spent that much on something that only lasted an hour.” – Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, ‘Feel the Bern’, the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.” – Conan O’Brien

“A Papa John’s customer is suing the restaurant over what he calls an improper 16-cent tax. He’s also suing them for ‘improper use of the word ‘pizza’.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama today made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the phase of his presidency known as ‘come at me, bro’.” – Seth Meyers

“The Bernie Sanders campaign is demanding proof that Hillary Clinton beat him in yesterday’s Iowa caucus. Today Hillary said, ‘Sure, let me check my server.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders lost the Iowa Caucus by .03%. In other words, Bernie would have won if six stoners had managed to get off the couch.” – Conan O’Brien

“In last night’s Iowa caucus, Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech. To be fair, 31 of those minutes were just people shouting ‘Really? Him?! This guy? We’re going with this guy? We’re kidding! I did it as a joke!'” – James Corden

“Ted Cruz’s victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: ‘Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?’ And two: ‘Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?'” – James Corden

“Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A member of Marco Rubio’s inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, ‘Marco is everyone’s second choice.’ That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, ‘I’m the Least Worst.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims.” – Conan O’Brien

“People have unearthed a tweet from 2013 where Donald Trump tweeted: ‘Nobody remembers who came in second.’ Famously said by Walter Hagen. And if anyone can tell you who won’t be remembered, it’s Walter Hagen. Donald Trump really has egg on his face now which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.” – James Corden

“After his disappointing showing among Evangelicals, Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race. Huckabee said, ‘On the bright side, now I can stop going to church.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is the Iowa Caucus and tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That’s the day the groundhog peeks out of the hole, sees Trump has won Iowa, and burrows to Canada.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Iowa caucuses are an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. First one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the first day of Black History Month. And when you think about it – what better way to celebrate Black History Month than with a caucus in Iowa.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders said if he beats Hillary Clinton in Iowa, it will be, ‘one of the biggest political upsets in the modern history of our country.’ It’s true, nothing like it has happened since the last time Hillary Clinton ran in Iowa.” – Conan O’Brien

“Analysts say that for Bernie Sanders to win he needs college students to show up at the polls. Which explains Sanders’ new campaign slogan: ‘I’ve Got Pizza!'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is planning to visit a U.S. mosque for his first time as president. When asked why, Obama said, ‘I wanted to go to the one place in America where I won’t see Donald Trump.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We tape our show before the results are in so we don’t know who won either primary yet. All we do know is that Jeb Bush lost.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush hasn’t done a good job of marketing himself. First mistake was to eliminate the word Bush. The slogan was Jeb! With an exclamation point, which is not a slogan, it’s just his name with upbeat punctuation. But then ‘Jeb can fix it’ which sounds like a local roto-rooter or someone’s uncle’s YouTube channel.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious’. And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said ‘these guys are crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Earlier tonight on Fox News was the Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump, which is kind of like Corn Flakes without the milk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If this were WWE, Donald Trump would have shown up in Iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and started beating everyone over the head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s ‘an eye for an eye’. When told the actual quote from the New Testament is ‘turn the other cheek’, Trump said, ‘Hey, no gay stuff’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he’s having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He’s had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who’s kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and Sloth; which in this case is living on his head.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song ‘Hello.’ And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton’s terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Stephen Colbert’s previous fake persona was a parody of blowhard Bill O’Reilly. Who knew that the two of them could have one of the most sensible and entertaining discussions about current politics? Heck, I even agree with a couple of O’Reilly’s points.