Political Irony

“There were more caucuses and primaries over the weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last week, we had Super Tuesday. On Tuesday. This morning I turn on CNN to find out they’re calling tomorrow Super Tuesday 2. There can’t be a Super Tuesday 2. Tuesday 2 already has a name — it’s Wednesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday there was yet another presidential debate. I think it was like the 247th debate in this election. During this debate between the Democratic candidates, CNN anchor Don Lemon referenced the Broadway musical ‘Avenue Q’, asking if everyone is a little bit racist and what racial blind spot do you have? ‘What racial blind spot do you have’ is an unanswerable question. No one is going to answer that. No candidate is going, ‘Well, Don I’m glad you asked. I’m racist in the following way.’ Why are they asking questions about musicals?” – James Corden

“In last night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.” – Conan O’Brien

“Caitlyn Jenner told an interviewer that Hillary Clinton ‘only thinks of herself’. Jenner said this while promoting the new season of her reality show ‘I Am Cait’.” – Conan O’Brien

“But there was a moment last night where Bernie Sanders kind of struggled. He said when you’re white you don’t know what it is like to live in a ghetto. And some people are angry at Bernie for using the word ghetto. And they’re reacting as if he was just endorsed by the KKK. Actually, they’re not reacting that way. If they were, he would be in first place.” – James Corden

“I personally didn’t see it, actually. I missed hearing Bernie talking about what it’s like to be white last night because I was busy watching the finale of ‘Downton Abbey’, while browsing the L.L. Bean catalog.” – James Corden

“Speaking of white people, a man attended a Donald Trump rally this weekend dressed as the wall that Trump wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico. This person made a powerful political statement. And that statement is: I’m a virgin.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among ‘Germans of the 1930s’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Arnold Schwarzenegger officially endorsed John Kasich. Or he said ‘a horse junkie is sick’, it’s hard to tell.” – Conan O’Brien

“He also got a high-profile endorsement from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold officially endorsed John Kasich yesterday. Or maybe he endorsed a chicken quesadilla, I have no idea. I really don’t know what he’s saying. He can’t even say ‘State of California’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“He endorsed Gov. Kasich and gave him a hug, looked like he could pop his head off. This is particularly interesting. Basically Gov. Kasich is hoping to beat the former host of ‘The Apprentice’ with help from the current host of ‘The Apprentice’, Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio has been going hard after Donald Trump, even making fun of Donald’s small hands. And I didn’t have a show on Friday, so it’s been four days since Trump’s response, but I don’t care, this is what I do for a living, and there’s no way I’m going to let an entire election go by without talking about this.” – Stephen Cobert

“But Donald, the issue is out there, and the people have the right to know the size of your ‘Executive Branch’. So I’m calling on you to release the long form. Or the short form. No judgment.” – Stephen Cobert

“Colin Powell said recently that the Republican candidates are playing ‘junior high school tricks on one another’. Powell then excused himself to take a call from someone looking for Dick Hertz.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton came up a lot during the debate. At one point, Ted Cruz even asked Trump why he wrote four checks to Hillary for her campaign in 2008. Trump said, ‘Look, with all the women I have to write checks to every month, it’s easy to get carried away.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio called out Donald Trump for his clothing collection that is being made in China. But trump defended his Chinese workers, saying ‘I treat those kids like they’re my own.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to ‘shatter the Republican Party’. When he heard, Donald Trump said, ‘Beat you to it!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney gave a big speech against Donald Trump today and said, ‘A business genius he is not.’ Then Romney was like, ‘Yoda, my speechwriter is.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Romney also said Trump’s promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, ‘Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney this morning made a televised speech in which he went all in after Donald Trump. He called him a phony and a fraud. He said he’s playing the American public for suckers. I haven’t seen Mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray Dockers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney also said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, ‘All we get is a lousy hat.’ Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If Mitt Romney is the big gun the Republicans sent in to stop Trump, they’re in a lot of trouble. It’s like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A farm in Ohio has the words ‘NO TRUMP’ written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, ‘I wasn’t anything other than happy.’ Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday.” – Seth Meyers

“The Google search ‘How to move to Canada’ started trending after Donald Trump’s impressive showing on Super Tuesday. Or as Canadians put it, ‘Great, now we need to build a wall.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson sat out tonight’s 11th Republican debate. And kinda the first 10.” – Seth Meyers

“The Defense Department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a new program called ‘Hack the Pentagon.’ Which will be followed by another new program called ‘OK, Please Stop Hacking Us. It’s Not Funny Anymore.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9.” – Conan O’Brien

© Ruben Bolling

I admit that I don’t really know how this movie will turn out. Will it have a happy ending? Will it have any ending at all? Will it result in the destruction of the Republican party (as we know it), or the destruction of America (at least our dream of America)? Did our dream become a nightmare? Who is really to blame besides us? Stay tuned!

UPDATE: It could be worse:

© David Horsey

How did the two most despicable GOP candidates end up as the only two possible nominees? What kind of choice is it between a racist, authoritarian huckster, and a complete whack-job evangelical who nobody who has ever worked with him can stand?

What’s even more bizarre is the Republicans are so afraid of a President Trump, they would rather nominate Cruz, who has absolutely no chance of winning the general election. The GOP would rather lose the presidential election than see it won by Trump (even though Trump is supposedly a Republican).

Sadly, Trump has a better chance of winning the presidency simply because he will absolutely say anything (including blatant lies) to get elected. Cruz is a complete ideologue who thinks he has god on his side. Trump has no ideology other than winning, so he will certainly pivot and say whatever he thinks the voters want to hear, including denying he ever said any of those racist or sexist things.

“Chris Christie stood right behind Trump at his victory speech last night and a lot of people noticed that Christie didn’t look too happy about it. Christie’s face is basically America’s face. It’s like: It’s really happening?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The biggest story yesterday wasn’t about Trump or Clinton victories. It was Chris Christie’s face during Donald Trump’s victory speech. He looks like he had amnesia for a week and just remembered who Donald Trump was.” – James Corden

“Following his endorsement of Donald Trump, Chris Christie’s approval numbers in his home state of New Jersey have hit their lowest point. But hitting their highest point: his pants.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Following his seven-state win in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primary elections, Donald Trump said during his victory speech that he is a ‘unifier’. Then he turned to Chris Christie and said, ‘Right, idiot?'” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday Americans in 13 states voted in Super Tuesday. Making today ‘My God, what have we done?’ Wednesday.” – Stephen Colbert

“It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama.” – James Corden

“You know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? Well, anyway, Donald Trump won Super Tuesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A top official in Saudi Arabia said today that a Trump presidency would ‘set the world back centuries.’ The Saudi added, ‘Which is why Trump has our full support.'” – Conan O’Brien

“An analysis of Google shows that searches related to the phrase ‘How can I move to Canada’ spiked last night about 350 percent. Americans always threaten to move to Canada when a reality show host endorsed by the KKK becomes the Republican nominee.” – James Corden

“Dr. Ben Carson didn’t win any states last night, but don’t tell him. He slept through the whole thing. He released a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. Was he at the last one?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sometimes we like to count how often a politician blinks while giving a speech. But with Ben Carson, it’s actually a lot more fun to count how many times he even opens his eyes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Carson’s the first human to get 25 hours of sleep per day. I feel bad making fun of Carson, but it’s not like he’s gonna see it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, ‘The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Marco Rubio won his first state with a victory in the Minnesota primary. It was such a big night, Rubio’s parents let him stay up and watch the returns come in.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the Democratic side, the race is between front-runner Hillary Clinton and the senator from the great state of your liberal friends’ Facebook feed, Bernie Sanders. – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, ‘I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.’ Then she added, ‘And I will crush anyone who won’t let me do it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During his speech on Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I am so proud to bring Vermont values all across this country.’ Then Sanders said, ‘Now who wants to go antiquing?'” – Conan O’Brien

“During her victory rally last night, one of the things Hillary said was that she wants to build a ladder of opportunity. Then people in Mexico said, ‘Great, we’ll use it to climb over the other guy’s dumb wall.'” – Jimmy Fallon

Bernie won Vermont, Oklahoma, Minnesota and Colorado. But Secretary Clinton had a massive sweep of everything else. Low turnout meant a rough night for Sanders. ” – Stephen Colbert

“Evidently, a lot of people who were feeling the Bern got cooled down by some Preparation H.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases yesterday, and justices reportedly continued to ask questions in the dark. Questions like, ‘Whose hand is that?’ and ‘Well then whose hand is THAT?'” – Seth Meyers

“During the debate, people noticed there was a woman who kept screaming in the audience. Then Hillary was like, ‘I’m sorry – I just love how this is going! Perfect! Couldn’t be more perfect!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara were in attendance for the debate. Or as Jeb put it, ‘The first debate I’m NOT in is the one you show up to?? Thanks a lot, DAD. This is just like Little League!'” – Jimmy Fallon