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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, March 24, 2016

“At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie interviewed Donald Trump today at a rally in North Carolina. During the interview, Christie asked Trump to talk about what kind of father he’s been, to which Trump replied, ‘A creepy one’.” – Seth Meyers

“The NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Trump University did not make it this year. Apparently the NCAA has these really strict rules that say the college can’t be a made-up Ponzi scheme.” – James Corden

“Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney hit the campaign trail today with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who’s hoping to beat Donald Trump in his home state. Romney is stumping for Kasich in Ohio and Rubio in Florida with the idea that he will stop Donald Trump. He’s also got Holy Cross and Iona going into the finals in his NCAA bracket.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The latest polls show Gov. John Kasich holds a small lead over Donald Trump in his home state of Ohio. Whereas everything Donald Trump holds looks huge because of his tiny baby hands.” –Seth Meyers

“Romney took the stage with Kasich at an air museum that’s halfway between Akron and Canton. I love the idea of Mitt Romney and John Kasich teaming up. It’s like a buddy cop movie, only they’re both the cop who plays by the rules.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz stopped Trump in Texas. Then the plan is if they get to the convention, they’re going to have Dr. Ben Carson sew all their bodies together to form one enormous super-candidate who just might have enough delegates to win.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When endorsing Donald Trump for president last week, Dr. Ben Carson said that there are two different Trumps. I don’t know, Ben. That might just be a side effect of the NyQuil.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama seems like he’s enjoying this whole thing. He spoke at a fundraiser in Dallas where he took a moment to ruminate about Donald Trump-brand wine. I think Obama’s in his ‘I only have 10 months left so to hell with it’ phase. Maybe he’ll host the Oscars next year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“On Friday, a 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world’s oldest living man. When asked how he plans to celebrate, he said, ‘By defeating Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea claimed yesterday that they could wipe out Manhattan with one of their hydrogen bombs. Though I find it hard to believe that this guy would willingly destroy that many restaurants.” – Seth Meyers

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Trump and Terrorism

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Every year, The Economist magazine produces a list of the biggest potential global threats.

Some of these threats are what you might expect. For example, number one is “China’s economy collapses”. Indeed, considering how intertwined our economy is with China’s, and how we are dependent on them for manufacturing, well, almost everything, their economy collapsing would be a huge threat to the world.

Number seven is “The rising threat of Jihadi terrorism destabilizes the global economy”. Most people would agree that the rise of Islamic terrorism is a global threat.

But it is number six that is full of irony. According to The Economist, “Donald Trump wins the US presidential election” is a bigger threat to the world economy than Islamic terrorism.

So much for Trump’s claims that his strong suit is business and he will improve the economy. Or maybe, when Trump talks about “winning”, he is only talking about himself.

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The Hillary Voter?

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

It’s ironic. The media has been talking non-stop about who is voting for Bernie Sanders (anti-establishment young people) or who is voting for Donald Trump (anti-establishment white working-class men). Or as the New Republic puts it “The media has saturated us with profiles of the voters who are turning out for these anti-establishment candidates.”

On the other hand, all we hear about Hillary Clinton is that she is favored in states with large numbers of black people. But how can they be her main supporters? Clinton has won more votes in the primaries than any other candidate: 2.5 million more than Sanders and 1.1 million more than Trump. And yet, the media can’t seem to figure out who these voters are, and why they are voting for her.

Why? Because it disturbs their conventional wisdom that people don’t like Clinton. According to the media, Clinton is phony and can’t be trusted. As a recent article in the NY Times put it, Clinton is winning “votes, not hearts”. The media doesn’t say she has “momentum”, instead they say she has a “sizable delegate lead”. Is there a difference?

The media also likes to remind us that Obama came from behind and upset a seemingly invincible Clinton in 2008. But what they don’t point out is that Clinton holds a lead in both popular votes and delegates over Sanders that far surpasses Obama’s lead over her at this point in the race in 2008. The media loves a horse race, and so ironically turns Clinton’s popularity with actual voters into a liability.

Even more ironically, the media narrative unintentionally turns Clinton into the underdog, which may be what is getting her supporters to the voting booth.

Clinton also upsets the media narrative that voters are angry. I suspect there are more voters out there who believe that Obama has been a damn good president, especially considering the shit that the Republicans have been throwing at him since even before he was elected. It’s the same crap that they have been throwing at Hillary Clinton for even longer. Sure some people are manipulated into fear and hatred, but I think that the majority of Americans realize that Clinton is the best bet we have for continuing and expanding the gains made by the Obama presidency.

And what gains! Progressive victories include the Affordable Care Act, gay marriage, the beginning of legalization of marijuana, the Fair Pay Act for women, the Paris environmental accords, ending two Republican wars, the nuclear deal with Iran, and normalizing relations with Cuba. All while pulling us out of the Great Recession.

Meanwhile, even with a majority in both the House and Senate, Republicans have failed to pass any meaningful pieces of legislation at all. According to Salon, that’s what happens when compromise becomes a heresy in your party.

One argument used repeatedly by the media to support the idea that voters are angry is that Republican turnout during the primary has been higher than normal, while Democratic turnout is lower. But as Five Thirty Eight points out, primary turnout has no relationship with turnout in the general election. Turnout is more of a function of the competitiveness of the running politicians, and Republicans have certainly gotten more attention in that area. However, in four of the last five presidential elections, the party that had a higher increase in turnout in the primary actually lost the general election.

If I were Republicans, I would be afraid, very afraid.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

“Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” – Conan O’Brien

“Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are ‘future wives’.” – Conan O’Brien

“A reporter claims she was pushed down by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.” – Conan O’Brien

“There have been more Republican debates than seasons of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The chairman of the Republican National Committee said he was hoping for a G-rated night tonight. I love that we’ve reached the point where the party has to remind a candidate not to discuss the size of his penis on television during the debate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton debated Bernie Sanders last night in Miami and what got most people’s attention, weirdly, was the color of Bernie Sanders’ suit. Some people online said it looked brown. Some people said it looked blue. A few lunatics said eggplant. Clearly, the suit is brown. I mean, that suit is so brown, Donald Trump wants to have it deported.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The suit has resulted in a big argument on Twitter. There’s a debate about the debate. It was like election ‘Inception’ or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“As a country we could stop focusing on things like the color of Bernie Sanders’ suit and start focusing on the fact that he was able to successfully dress himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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A History of Violence

Monday, March 21, 2016

The Democrats should play his video (from KnowPolitical) constantly during the election.

Trump should not be in the White House, he should be in jail for incitement to violence.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, March 21, 2016

“At his press conference last night, Donald Trump had a display of Trump Steaks even though Trump Steaks went out of business nine years ago. When they heard that nine-year-old meat was for sale, Arby’s said, ‘We’ll take those.'” – Conan O’Brien

“He’s showing his steaks. I’m pretty sure it’s the first campaign speech I’ve ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night in the presidential primary race, Donald Trump skipped the political talk during his victory speech and instead took the opportunity to promote some of his Trump brand products: Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, Trump Wine. The only thing I can think of being worse than Trump 2016 is a bottle of 2016 Trump.” –James Corden

“After six months I think we’re starting to take for granted how weird this is. Imagine if before Obama was president, when he was running, he was the spokesman for ShamWow or something. At the end of every speech he spilled coffee on the podium and wiped it up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night after his victories, Donald Trump held a press conference in Florida and he proudly displayed Trump water bottles, Trump wine, and Trump steaks. Trump also announced his running mate, the ShamWow guy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn’t ‘presidential’. He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen. And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Also, you can tell that it’s Trump’s winery because they only sell white.” – James Corden

“Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There’s the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They’re up on the stage next to him as he spoke. It’s like he made a trip to Costco right before the speech. Boy did Chris Christie pick the wrong night to be on that stage, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One state Trump did not win last night is Idaho, which could be partly due to the fact that the endorsement of Idaho’s Gov. Butch Otter went instead to John Kasich, and that endorsement worked. It propelled John Kasich all the way to a resounding last place.” – James Corden

“No wonder Kasich lost. If someone named Butch Otter endorses a presidential candidate, nobody cares. If somebody named Butch Otter endorses a jug band, now I’m listening.” – James Corden

“Almost 40 percent of people who voted for John Kasich said they did so because they don’t like the other guys. Which explains his new campaign slogan: ‘John Kasich: The Lesser of Four Evils.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is.” – Conan O’Brien

“There were primaries and caucuses in four states last night. The big story was Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton 49.8 percent to 43.8 percent in Michigan. Ever since he started clipping his lucky ear hair, things have been going great.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a big night for loud men with crazy hair. Because on the Republican side, the night belonged to Donald Trump. Literally, he licensed and owns the night now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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I’m Angry!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Great video. Would be even better if they included video of Donald Trump saying those things.

UPDATE: Appropriate punishment:

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, March 20, 2016

“Donald Trump said he’s not happy about being compared to Hitler. He said, ‘I’m thrilled.’ – Jimmy Fallon

“It came out in the news that Donald Trump was once a producer of a Broadway show. It was a revival of ‘Les Misérables’ called ‘The French Are Losers’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know why you’re excited! It’s because today is International Women’s Day. A day when we celebrate all the international women Donald Trump has married.” – James Corden

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s nearest competitor, Sen. Ted Cruz, was in Virginia. He must not have Secret Service protection because TMZ got right up close to ask Ted about his latest piece of campaign merchandise: yoga mats. He is going to make a heck of a QVC host when he loses this election.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m not sure who would buy a Ted Cruz yoga mat. But they’re a real thing. They’re American made. Unlike Ted himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s not all the Cruz campaign has to offer. For the chef in the family you can preorder the official Ted Cruz grill spatula, with the Ted flame burning right there in the center. Same spatula he uses to scoop the gel into his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who’ve dropped out. Jeb Bush has the ‘Guaca Bowle.’ This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb’s logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush’s spirit.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The description says, ‘Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now you can get into the act with this Guaca Bowle. Jeb’s secret guacamole recipe not included yet.’ His secret recipe for guacamole is an avocado and a spoon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio is selling an unusual shirt. It says ‘Marco Ru(bae)o.’ For the one Marco Rubio supporter who knows what the word ‘bae’ means. I wonder if they sold any.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John Kasich’s store, not a single item in his store has his face on it, mostly because nobody remembers what he looked like.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rand Paul has been gone for quite a while, but his campaign store is still open, which means there’s still time to get a pair of Rand Paul freedom socks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Democrats aren’t doing so great in the merchandise department either. Hillary Clinton gets the ‘Mom’s trying too hard to be cool in front of her daughter’s friends’ award for the ‘Yaaas Hillary’ shirt.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Finally, this is not something that Bernie Sanders is celebrating on his official page, but I think he should. This is for sale, the Bernie Sanders ceramic pipe — ‘for tobacco only’. Those Bernie Sanders supporters love their tobacco. It’s the perfect way to say ‘I support my favorite candidate, then forgot to vote for him.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday during a rally in Michigan, Sen. Sanders dropped a bombshell about burning down. He only smoked twice. I don’t think this admission is on brand for Bernie.” – Seth Meyers

“Senator, do you know who your supporters are? I will tell you this much, they’ve smoked marijuana twice … since I started this sentence.” – Seth Meyers

“I for one am shocked by Bernie’s admission. He recorded a reggae cover of a socialist anthem and expects us to believe he only smoked pot twice? Was one of those times ‘for 10 years,’ Senator?” – Seth Meyers

“Of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression. And you know who could use a prescription? Every voter in America, because this campaign season has been brutal.” – Seth Meyers

“One of the things revealed in Hillary Clinton’s emails is that she doesn’t know how to charge an iPad. Today, Bill Clinton said, ‘That’s funny, she’s REALLY good at checking an iPad’s browser history.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday night was the series finale of ‘Downton Abbey’. But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Trump Supporters are Racist

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Well, duh. But now we have proof. And I’m reporting it because it is ironic proof.

As everyone should know, in a primary you are not voting for a candidate, you’re voting for delegates (picked by the candidate’s campaign, and pledged to vote for the candidate) who go to the convention and actually vote for a candidate (at least on the first ballot).

So in Illinois last week when Trump supporters were voting for delegates, something strange happened. Usually, a Trump supporter would vote for all of Trump’s delegates, but in 12 cases there was a differential where some delegates got significantly more votes than other delegates, even though they would all be pledged to vote for Trump. And in a majority of cases, the delegate who got fewer votes had a foreign-sounding name. This pattern was unique to Trump supporters.

In fact, in three cases the differential was so high that Trump did not win delegates. Raja Sadiq got 25% fewer votes than Doug Hartmann in the same district, and thus did not get picked as a delegate. Likewise, Nabi Fakroddin and Jim Uribe got 14% and 11% fewer votes, and were not picked.

Even though people were voting for Trump’s delegates, they refused to vote for a delegate with a (sometimes vaguely) middle eastern sounding name. This cost Trump three delegates (out of 69 total in Illinois).

So if Trump somehow falls three delegates short of reaching the magic number of 1,237 delegates at the Republican convention and consequently does not win the nomination on the first ballot, it will be the fault of his racist supporters. Karma.

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Can the Electoral College Trump Trump?

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Could this election get any weirder? You bet it could! What makes this totally ironic is that it is completely constitutional, while being downright bizarre.

Even if (more likely when) Donald Trump becomes the GOP nominee for president, and even if (god forbid) he can win a clear majority of the popular vote, there is a way that he could be denied the presidency. Yup, by the Electoral College.

In fact, people like Trump are pretty much the reason the founders created the Electoral College. They simply did not trust the people to elect the president. They worried that “a popular election … is radically vicious” and that the people “being too little informed of personal characters” are “liable to deceptions“. Sound familiar?

Instead, each state appoints “electors”, who meet and elect the president. According to the constitution each state appoints its electors “in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct”. Some, but not all, states have laws that require their electors to vote for the person who got the largest share of the popular vote in that state. But such laws can be easily changed.

So here’s an example of what could happen. The Texas legislature (controlled by Republicans) could vote to take back the power to pick its electors. Then, on Election Day, they would pick electors who would vote for their chosen candidate. The candidate could be anyone: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Condoleezza Rice, or even (yikes) Ted Cruz. It doesn’t have to be someone even running for president because of what happens in the next step. Let’s say they pick Condoleezza Rice.

The constitution does require a candidate to receive a majority of votes in the Electoral College. Without the votes of the 38 electors from Texas, it is virtually certain that nobody will get a majority, and the constitution stipulates that in that case, the House of Representatives picks the president from the top three electoral vote-getters. Condoleezza Rice is the third highest vote-getter, so the (Republican controlled House) picks her. She becomes president.

Note that it doesn’t matter if Trump wins the popular vote. It doesn’t even matter if the Democratic nominee (e.g., Clinton) wins the popular vote. The GOP just needs a small number of states whose legislatures they control to change the way they pick electors, and then the Republicans in the House to privately agree on who they want to elect. Done.

Would all hell break loose? Of course. But it is completely constitutional, and there is precedent for states taking back control of how they appoint electors, and even blessing from the Supreme Court for doing so.

Consider it the ultimate “nuclear option”. And more foolproof than a brokered convention.

So the Republicans can do it. Would they? Would a party that shuts down the government in order to get their way even blink? And we would have nobody to blame but ourselves, because we elected these people.

Kevin Siers
© Kevin Siers

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Where’s the Money?

Friday, March 18, 2016

One of my favorite sites, electoral-vote.com, asks a very good question that I haven’t heard before: “How would Donald Trump Fund a General Election Campaign?” Most people assume he would just fund it himself with some of his billions, but it doesn’t work that way. A big percentage of Trump’s net worth is in his brand (or translating into English, his name). He makes money by licensing his name to other people. Most of the rest is in hotels, casinos, and other real estate, which he can’t just turn into cash instantly. In terms of cold cash, as the Daily Beast puts it, Trump is too poor to fund his own campaign.

Obama’s campaign cost him a cool $1.2 billion in cash, and Clinton will probably raise more than that. Suffice it to say that you can’t run a presidential campaign on free publicity you get from saying and doing outrageous things. So where could Trump get the money? Well, he could get a bunch from the traditional big donors, but that would destroy one of the main reasons people like him — that he is not beholden to donors and special interests. The man who says he can’t be bought would have to sell out.

And there is no chance he would get much money from the RNC, who are more likely going to spend money against him.

Maybe he could get money from small donors, but it takes money to raise money like that, and Trump doesn’t have it. He has some small donors now, but he would have to raise the number of donors an order of magnitude or more.

The bottom line is, Trump will likely be outspent at least 2:1, and probably more like 3 or even 4 to one, in the general election.

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Heil Trump

Thursday, March 17, 2016

I don’t actually believe that Trump is comparable to Hitler, but you gotta admit that Trump is using some of the same tactics and language:

UPDATE: It appears the video has been removed. You can see it at https://www.citizensuperpac.com/heil-trump.

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, March 17, 2016

“There were more caucuses and primaries over the weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last week, we had Super Tuesday. On Tuesday. This morning I turn on CNN to find out they’re calling tomorrow Super Tuesday 2. There can’t be a Super Tuesday 2. Tuesday 2 already has a name — it’s Wednesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday there was yet another presidential debate. I think it was like the 247th debate in this election. During this debate between the Democratic candidates, CNN anchor Don Lemon referenced the Broadway musical ‘Avenue Q’, asking if everyone is a little bit racist and what racial blind spot do you have? ‘What racial blind spot do you have’ is an unanswerable question. No one is going to answer that. No candidate is going, ‘Well, Don I’m glad you asked. I’m racist in the following way.’ Why are they asking questions about musicals?” – James Corden

“In last night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.” – Conan O’Brien

“Caitlyn Jenner told an interviewer that Hillary Clinton ‘only thinks of herself’. Jenner said this while promoting the new season of her reality show ‘I Am Cait’.” – Conan O’Brien

“But there was a moment last night where Bernie Sanders kind of struggled. He said when you’re white you don’t know what it is like to live in a ghetto. And some people are angry at Bernie for using the word ghetto. And they’re reacting as if he was just endorsed by the KKK. Actually, they’re not reacting that way. If they were, he would be in first place.” – James Corden

“I personally didn’t see it, actually. I missed hearing Bernie talking about what it’s like to be white last night because I was busy watching the finale of ‘Downton Abbey’, while browsing the L.L. Bean catalog.” – James Corden

“Speaking of white people, a man attended a Donald Trump rally this weekend dressed as the wall that Trump wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico. This person made a powerful political statement. And that statement is: I’m a virgin.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among ‘Germans of the 1930s’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Arnold Schwarzenegger officially endorsed John Kasich. Or he said ‘a horse junkie is sick’, it’s hard to tell.” – Conan O’Brien

“He also got a high-profile endorsement from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold officially endorsed John Kasich yesterday. Or maybe he endorsed a chicken quesadilla, I have no idea. I really don’t know what he’s saying. He can’t even say ‘State of California’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“He endorsed Gov. Kasich and gave him a hug, looked like he could pop his head off. This is particularly interesting. Basically Gov. Kasich is hoping to beat the former host of ‘The Apprentice’ with help from the current host of ‘The Apprentice’, Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio has been going hard after Donald Trump, even making fun of Donald’s small hands. And I didn’t have a show on Friday, so it’s been four days since Trump’s response, but I don’t care, this is what I do for a living, and there’s no way I’m going to let an entire election go by without talking about this.” – Stephen Cobert

“But Donald, the issue is out there, and the people have the right to know the size of your ‘Executive Branch’. So I’m calling on you to release the long form. Or the short form. No judgment.” – Stephen Cobert

“Colin Powell said recently that the Republican candidates are playing ‘junior high school tricks on one another’. Powell then excused himself to take a call from someone looking for Dick Hertz.” – Conan O’Brien

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Trumped Up Again!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

An interesting article explores Trump’s claim that he is drawing in new voters to the Republican party.

This may be true, but there is another explanation. Most people don’t vote, and in primary elections it is even worse. Yes, there are more Republicans voting in the presidential primaries this year than usual. But so far, more people have voted for someone other than Trump than have voted for Trump. So while it is true that Trump is bringing in new people to vote in the GOP primaries, it is more likely that he is bringing in more people because they want to vote against him.

We won’t know whether this is true or not until (and unless) he makes it to the general election and we see how many people (not just Republicans, but also Democrats and independents) actually want him to be president.

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

“Hillary Clinton came up a lot during the debate. At one point, Ted Cruz even asked Trump why he wrote four checks to Hillary for her campaign in 2008. Trump said, ‘Look, with all the women I have to write checks to every month, it’s easy to get carried away.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio called out Donald Trump for his clothing collection that is being made in China. But trump defended his Chinese workers, saying ‘I treat those kids like they’re my own.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to ‘shatter the Republican Party’. When he heard, Donald Trump said, ‘Beat you to it!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney gave a big speech against Donald Trump today and said, ‘A business genius he is not.’ Then Romney was like, ‘Yoda, my speechwriter is.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Romney also said Trump’s promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, ‘Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney this morning made a televised speech in which he went all in after Donald Trump. He called him a phony and a fraud. He said he’s playing the American public for suckers. I haven’t seen Mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray Dockers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney also said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, ‘All we get is a lousy hat.’ Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If Mitt Romney is the big gun the Republicans sent in to stop Trump, they’re in a lot of trouble. It’s like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A farm in Ohio has the words ‘NO TRUMP’ written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, ‘I wasn’t anything other than happy.’ Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday.” – Seth Meyers

“The Google search ‘How to move to Canada’ started trending after Donald Trump’s impressive showing on Super Tuesday. Or as Canadians put it, ‘Great, now we need to build a wall.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson sat out tonight’s 11th Republican debate. And kinda the first 10.” – Seth Meyers

“The Defense Department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a new program called ‘Hack the Pentagon.’ Which will be followed by another new program called ‘OK, Please Stop Hacking Us. It’s Not Funny Anymore.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9.” – Conan O’Brien

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