Political Irony

“Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ were like, ‘How long does this go on?'” – Jimmy Fallon

You can tell the candidates are getting bored up there ’cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, ‘You know, I’m good up here.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Oscars are this Sunday, which marks the official end of Black History Month.
CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either ‘for Mr. Trump’ or ‘para El Diablo’.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called ‘Hypocrisy Cove’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington ’cause he also wore a fantastic wig.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good ’cause if she ever becomes first lady she’ll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JC Penny mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He’s back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump’s tax returns once they are released, and added that he’s either not as rich as he says he is or he didn’t give money to the veterans or disabled people like he’s been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he’s not as rich as he says he is. He’s not as anything as he says he is.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, ‘That’s just too white.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved!” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, ‘I thought he looked familiar.'” – Conan O’Brien

“There is a new website for Bernie supporters who are looking for love. It’s called Berniesingles.com. In fairness, it makes sense that Bernie would have a dating website because he looks just like the eHarmony guy.” – James Corden

“On Bernie’s website you have two choices. You can swipe left or swipe far left.
The Clintons also have their own dating website. It’s called Ashley Madison.” – James Corden

“A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie’s campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It’s like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles.” – James Corden

I promise, I will never say that this presidential race can’t go any lower. Stephen Colbert shows us what’s below rock bottom:

“Last night was the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump even won the Latino vote. Which is amazing. It makes me wonder if people really come here from Mexico for a better life or if they come to get away from their relatives. Maybe they want the wall to keep their in-laws out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Although she herself is an immigrant, Donald Trump’s wife Melania says she is fine with her husband’s tough anti-immigration stance. When asked why, Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said yesterday that his supporters are so loyal that they would kill for him. In fact, that’s who killed that thing he wears on his head.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump won the Nevada caucuses in every demographic last night. He won white men, white women, white rich people, and white poor people. Rural whites, urban whites. He got one vote from a Chinese guy, which was nice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program. NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, “Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After he won yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ To which they replied, ‘Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!'” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson finished a distant fourth in Nevada. He only got 5 percent of the vote. But for some reason he’s still not dropping out. He’s promised to continue on. He said, ‘I believe that things are starting to happen here.’ You know it’s time to drop out when it has been weeks since Donald Trump even bothered to call you a moron.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I was thinking about why Ben Carson is still running today and my first guess is he’s retired and he’s bored. He has $10 million in the bank. Why not run? But there’s another possibility. Maybe he’s sleepwalking.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Wealthy GOP donors are now lining up behind Marco Rubio. Not because the donors think he can stop Trump, but because they think Rubio is the valet.” – Conan O’Brien

“Despite Jeb Bush’s poor campaign, some analysts are already talking about the political rise of his son, George P. Bush. George P. Bush has already got his campaign slogan: ‘Don’t Worry I Was Adopted.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary came to Los Angeles and she visited the set of the political drama ‘Scandal’. There was an awkward moment when Hillary told the writers, ‘Man, have I got some ideas for you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We have Bill Gates on the show tonight. We wanted to have a soft-spoken, thoughtful billionaire who is trying to make the world a better place, but since Donald Trump wasn’t available — we went with Bill.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.” – Seth Meyers

“Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, ‘We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump was heavily favored to win. Not just by Donald Trump, by other people too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was a big day for Donald Trump yesterday, the Nevada caucuses took place. Voting in the state of Nevada is a little different. In Nevada you pull the lever first and then you find out who you voted for. It is more exciting.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are in a fierce battle for second place. Ted Cruz is very ‘Trumpy’ lately. He just released an ad promising to sell off or give away all of Nevada’s public lands, national parks, forests and monuments, which is a great idea if you’re a cult leader or the founder of a polygamist sect. If you’re a citizen, maybe not.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz’s dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz’s wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I’m not sure that’s what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, ‘Run!!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz said on ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ that if he is elected, he would not allow aliens to return. Cruz says he is so strict on immigration, if he is elected president, he will even deport himself back to Canada.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Ben Carson held a town hall event at a casino in Reno, and despite polling in last place, he said it’s too early to give up. Even the old ladies sitting at the slot machines said, ‘This is just depressing’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“We’re now a week away from the Super Tuesday primaries and Ben Carson’s so excited he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night.” – Seth Meyers

“In a recent interview, Ben Carson said President Obama couldn’t identify with black Americans because he was ‘raised white.’ So if you’re keeping score, according to Republicans, President Obama was raised white as a Muslim in Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama today announced plans to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. It’s a pretty simple plan, really. He’s going to put a RadioShack sign on it.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama has unveiled his plan to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure no one ever goes in there again, Obama is handing it over to the people who run RadioShack.” – Conan O’Brien

“Meanwhile, the Democrats have a primary in South Carolina this weekend and Bernie Sanders, who has had trouble attracting African-American voters, just got a high-profile endorsement from Spike Lee. Spike Lee taped a radio ad and just threw a garbage can through Hillary Clinton’s pizzeria window.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, a group of more than 20 unions released a statement supporting Hillary Clinton for president, including the Bricklayers Union. Then Donald Trump was like, ‘Et tu, wall builders?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said as president he would prosecute Hillary Clinton for using a private email server. He also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton recently visited the set of the hit ABC show ‘Scandal.’ Is that really the show you should be visiting right now? Why not drop by the set of ‘I Did Nothing Wrong,’ or maybe ‘There Was Nothing Illegal in Those Emails!'” – Seth Meyers

“The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN!” – Jimmy Fallon

© Berkeley Breathed

How can Trump make America great again if he is a direct symptom of the problem with America?

When the machines take over, will they speak via Twitter?

First, Gawker created a Mussolini bot named @ilduce2016 that tweeted quotes from Benito Mussolini at Trump. The goal was to get Trump to retweet Mussolini, and they succeeded.

But now, an AI researcher at MIT has created an AI bot named @DeepDrumpf that tweets just like the real Donald. The AI was trained on several hours of Trump’s debate lines and victory speeches. The researcher says that training an AI to speak like Trump was easy because Trump talks at the level of a third grader. Besides, when in doubt, you just have to add the words “very”, “great”, “we” and (Trump’s favorite word) “I”.