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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, March 27, 2016

“Donald Trump won yesterday’s Republican primaries in Florida, Illinois, and North Carolina. Trump did especially well with white males, Caucasian men, and non-women of no color.” – Seth Meyers

“The big win for Trump was in Marco Rubio’s home state of Florida. Rubio won one county in his home state, Miami. That was thanks to a last-minute endorsement from the sound machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Trump didn’t seem to mind, since, as he put it, ‘The word Ohio is full of zeros.’ (It’s 50 percent zeros!)” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, the numbers are subject to change when President Trump takes office and makes us great again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A disappointing finish for Marco Rubio. A man who fueled his campaign with all the fire and spontaneity of Vicki the robot from ‘Small Wonder’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, ‘We should have seen this coming.’ If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.” – Seth Meyers

“After the announcement, Rubio dropped out of the race. He went back to Washington and locked his office door to make sure no Supreme Court nominees get in. So good luck to him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump won four of the five primaries last night. Assuming she wins Missouri, Hillary Clinton went five for five in the primaries. Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone’s most annoying Facebook friends.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The bad news for the leaders of both parties, both Clinton and Trump have a very high unfavorability rating. Hillary is 53 percent unfavorable, Trump clocks in at an extraordinary 63 percent unfavorable. Which, I think, like only Jared from Subway has higher than that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This election is going to be the political equivalent of having lunch at Panda Express — nobody wins.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced today that he is nominating Washington, D.C. Circuit Court Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. ‘I can’t win anything this week!’ screamed JoJo from The Bachelor.” – Seth Meyers

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Put a bird on it!

Saturday, March 26, 2016

At a Bernie Sanders rally in Portland, Oregon, a small bird lands on the stage and then flies directly up to the podium in full view of the cheering crowd.

Hard to tell, but it is either a female sparrow or a goldfinch.

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The Soul of a Dying Party

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Ruben Bolling
© Ruben Bolling

I think most of us are glued to this election the same way we are glued to horror movies.

Will there be a happy ending?

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Jimmy Kimmel Mansplains to Hillary Clinton

Friday, March 25, 2016

This is much funnier than I expected.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, March 25, 2016

“According to a new report, Dr. Ben Carson was not planning to endorse any of the remaining candidates, but changed his mind after being offered a position in Trump’s White House. He would run the Department of No Energy.” – Seth Meyers

“A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can’t vote by texting and said, ‘Never mind!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders admitted that he ran as a Democrat rather than an Independent to get more media coverage. And it worked, but if you really want to get some media coverage, try running as a fascist.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton is going to appear in this week’s episode of the Comedy Central show ‘Broad City’. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders will actually be appraised on ‘Antiques Roadshow’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio was interrupted by a heckler at a Florida campaign rally who accused Rubio of stealing his girlfriend. When in reality, Rubio tried to steal his girlfriend but finished fourth.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in Florida. And I’ll say, that’s tough for Bernie because a 74-year-old Jewish man can’t win in Florida.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, Hillary was endorsed by a California leader of the KKK, Will Quigg, because he believes she will do the exact opposite of what she promises and that she’s an ‘undercover Hitler’. That makes me think three things. 1) She’s not. 2) She’s definitely not. And 3) ‘Undercover Hitler’ sounds like the worst spin-off of ‘Undercover Boss.'” – James Corden

“A lot of people voted today in primaries across five different states. Some people are even calling it ‘Super Tuesday 3.’ Although Marco Rubio is just calling it ‘Mission: Impossible 3.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There were primaries in five states today. CNN dubbed today Super Tuesday 3 and we are now another Tuesday closer to finally having a president who has his own line of vodka named after himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Super Tuesday. Again. Am I the only one who thinks there are starting to be more Super Tuesdays than normal Tuesdays? They’re even calling it Super Tuesday 3. If we’ve learned anything from Hollywood franchises, then today will be an expensive letdown.” – James Corden

“Most of the focus tonight was on Florida and Ohio. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you can always trust Florida to make the right decision.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Double Standard

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

After winning Iowa, Hillary Clinton was criticized for shouting too much. Even Bob Woodward, of Watergate fame, said “She shouts. There is something unrelaxed about the way she is communicating.”

Are you kidding me?

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, March 24, 2016

“At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie interviewed Donald Trump today at a rally in North Carolina. During the interview, Christie asked Trump to talk about what kind of father he’s been, to which Trump replied, ‘A creepy one’.” – Seth Meyers

“The NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Trump University did not make it this year. Apparently the NCAA has these really strict rules that say the college can’t be a made-up Ponzi scheme.” – James Corden

“Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney hit the campaign trail today with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who’s hoping to beat Donald Trump in his home state. Romney is stumping for Kasich in Ohio and Rubio in Florida with the idea that he will stop Donald Trump. He’s also got Holy Cross and Iona going into the finals in his NCAA bracket.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The latest polls show Gov. John Kasich holds a small lead over Donald Trump in his home state of Ohio. Whereas everything Donald Trump holds looks huge because of his tiny baby hands.” –Seth Meyers

“Romney took the stage with Kasich at an air museum that’s halfway between Akron and Canton. I love the idea of Mitt Romney and John Kasich teaming up. It’s like a buddy cop movie, only they’re both the cop who plays by the rules.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz stopped Trump in Texas. Then the plan is if they get to the convention, they’re going to have Dr. Ben Carson sew all their bodies together to form one enormous super-candidate who just might have enough delegates to win.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When endorsing Donald Trump for president last week, Dr. Ben Carson said that there are two different Trumps. I don’t know, Ben. That might just be a side effect of the NyQuil.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama seems like he’s enjoying this whole thing. He spoke at a fundraiser in Dallas where he took a moment to ruminate about Donald Trump-brand wine. I think Obama’s in his ‘I only have 10 months left so to hell with it’ phase. Maybe he’ll host the Oscars next year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“On Friday, a 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world’s oldest living man. When asked how he plans to celebrate, he said, ‘By defeating Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea claimed yesterday that they could wipe out Manhattan with one of their hydrogen bombs. Though I find it hard to believe that this guy would willingly destroy that many restaurants.” – Seth Meyers

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Trump and Terrorism

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Every year, The Economist magazine produces a list of the biggest potential global threats.

Some of these threats are what you might expect. For example, number one is “China’s economy collapses”. Indeed, considering how intertwined our economy is with China’s, and how we are dependent on them for manufacturing, well, almost everything, their economy collapsing would be a huge threat to the world.

Number seven is “The rising threat of Jihadi terrorism destabilizes the global economy”. Most people would agree that the rise of Islamic terrorism is a global threat.

But it is number six that is full of irony. According to The Economist, “Donald Trump wins the US presidential election” is a bigger threat to the world economy than Islamic terrorism.

So much for Trump’s claims that his strong suit is business and he will improve the economy. Or maybe, when Trump talks about “winning”, he is only talking about himself.

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The Hillary Voter?

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

It’s ironic. The media has been talking non-stop about who is voting for Bernie Sanders (anti-establishment young people) or who is voting for Donald Trump (anti-establishment white working-class men). Or as the New Republic puts it “The media has saturated us with profiles of the voters who are turning out for these anti-establishment candidates.”

On the other hand, all we hear about Hillary Clinton is that she is favored in states with large numbers of black people. But how can they be her main supporters? Clinton has won more votes in the primaries than any other candidate: 2.5 million more than Sanders and 1.1 million more than Trump. And yet, the media can’t seem to figure out who these voters are, and why they are voting for her.

Why? Because it disturbs their conventional wisdom that people don’t like Clinton. According to the media, Clinton is phony and can’t be trusted. As a recent article in the NY Times put it, Clinton is winning “votes, not hearts”. The media doesn’t say she has “momentum”, instead they say she has a “sizable delegate lead”. Is there a difference?

The media also likes to remind us that Obama came from behind and upset a seemingly invincible Clinton in 2008. But what they don’t point out is that Clinton holds a lead in both popular votes and delegates over Sanders that far surpasses Obama’s lead over her at this point in the race in 2008. The media loves a horse race, and so ironically turns Clinton’s popularity with actual voters into a liability.

Even more ironically, the media narrative unintentionally turns Clinton into the underdog, which may be what is getting her supporters to the voting booth.

Clinton also upsets the media narrative that voters are angry. I suspect there are more voters out there who believe that Obama has been a damn good president, especially considering the shit that the Republicans have been throwing at him since even before he was elected. It’s the same crap that they have been throwing at Hillary Clinton for even longer. Sure some people are manipulated into fear and hatred, but I think that the majority of Americans realize that Clinton is the best bet we have for continuing and expanding the gains made by the Obama presidency.

And what gains! Progressive victories include the Affordable Care Act, gay marriage, the beginning of legalization of marijuana, the Fair Pay Act for women, the Paris environmental accords, ending two Republican wars, the nuclear deal with Iran, and normalizing relations with Cuba. All while pulling us out of the Great Recession.

Meanwhile, even with a majority in both the House and Senate, Republicans have failed to pass any meaningful pieces of legislation at all. According to Salon, that’s what happens when compromise becomes a heresy in your party.

One argument used repeatedly by the media to support the idea that voters are angry is that Republican turnout during the primary has been higher than normal, while Democratic turnout is lower. But as Five Thirty Eight points out, primary turnout has no relationship with turnout in the general election. Turnout is more of a function of the competitiveness of the running politicians, and Republicans have certainly gotten more attention in that area. However, in four of the last five presidential elections, the party that had a higher increase in turnout in the primary actually lost the general election.

If I were Republicans, I would be afraid, very afraid.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

“Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” – Conan O’Brien

“Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are ‘future wives’.” – Conan O’Brien

“A reporter claims she was pushed down by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.” – Conan O’Brien

“There have been more Republican debates than seasons of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The chairman of the Republican National Committee said he was hoping for a G-rated night tonight. I love that we’ve reached the point where the party has to remind a candidate not to discuss the size of his penis on television during the debate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton debated Bernie Sanders last night in Miami and what got most people’s attention, weirdly, was the color of Bernie Sanders’ suit. Some people online said it looked brown. Some people said it looked blue. A few lunatics said eggplant. Clearly, the suit is brown. I mean, that suit is so brown, Donald Trump wants to have it deported.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The suit has resulted in a big argument on Twitter. There’s a debate about the debate. It was like election ‘Inception’ or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“As a country we could stop focusing on things like the color of Bernie Sanders’ suit and start focusing on the fact that he was able to successfully dress himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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A History of Violence

Monday, March 21, 2016

The Democrats should play his video (from KnowPolitical) constantly during the election.

Trump should not be in the White House, he should be in jail for incitement to violence.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, March 21, 2016

“At his press conference last night, Donald Trump had a display of Trump Steaks even though Trump Steaks went out of business nine years ago. When they heard that nine-year-old meat was for sale, Arby’s said, ‘We’ll take those.'” – Conan O’Brien

“He’s showing his steaks. I’m pretty sure it’s the first campaign speech I’ve ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night in the presidential primary race, Donald Trump skipped the political talk during his victory speech and instead took the opportunity to promote some of his Trump brand products: Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, Trump Wine. The only thing I can think of being worse than Trump 2016 is a bottle of 2016 Trump.” –James Corden

“After six months I think we’re starting to take for granted how weird this is. Imagine if before Obama was president, when he was running, he was the spokesman for ShamWow or something. At the end of every speech he spilled coffee on the podium and wiped it up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night after his victories, Donald Trump held a press conference in Florida and he proudly displayed Trump water bottles, Trump wine, and Trump steaks. Trump also announced his running mate, the ShamWow guy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn’t ‘presidential’. He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen. And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Also, you can tell that it’s Trump’s winery because they only sell white.” – James Corden

“Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There’s the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They’re up on the stage next to him as he spoke. It’s like he made a trip to Costco right before the speech. Boy did Chris Christie pick the wrong night to be on that stage, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One state Trump did not win last night is Idaho, which could be partly due to the fact that the endorsement of Idaho’s Gov. Butch Otter went instead to John Kasich, and that endorsement worked. It propelled John Kasich all the way to a resounding last place.” – James Corden

“No wonder Kasich lost. If someone named Butch Otter endorses a presidential candidate, nobody cares. If somebody named Butch Otter endorses a jug band, now I’m listening.” – James Corden

“Almost 40 percent of people who voted for John Kasich said they did so because they don’t like the other guys. Which explains his new campaign slogan: ‘John Kasich: The Lesser of Four Evils.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is.” – Conan O’Brien

“There were primaries and caucuses in four states last night. The big story was Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton 49.8 percent to 43.8 percent in Michigan. Ever since he started clipping his lucky ear hair, things have been going great.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a big night for loud men with crazy hair. Because on the Republican side, the night belonged to Donald Trump. Literally, he licensed and owns the night now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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I’m Angry!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Great video. Would be even better if they included video of Donald Trump saying those things.

UPDATE: Appropriate punishment:

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, March 20, 2016

“Donald Trump said he’s not happy about being compared to Hitler. He said, ‘I’m thrilled.’ – Jimmy Fallon

“It came out in the news that Donald Trump was once a producer of a Broadway show. It was a revival of ‘Les Misérables’ called ‘The French Are Losers’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know why you’re excited! It’s because today is International Women’s Day. A day when we celebrate all the international women Donald Trump has married.” – James Corden

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s nearest competitor, Sen. Ted Cruz, was in Virginia. He must not have Secret Service protection because TMZ got right up close to ask Ted about his latest piece of campaign merchandise: yoga mats. He is going to make a heck of a QVC host when he loses this election.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m not sure who would buy a Ted Cruz yoga mat. But they’re a real thing. They’re American made. Unlike Ted himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s not all the Cruz campaign has to offer. For the chef in the family you can preorder the official Ted Cruz grill spatula, with the Ted flame burning right there in the center. Same spatula he uses to scoop the gel into his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who’ve dropped out. Jeb Bush has the ‘Guaca Bowle.’ This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb’s logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush’s spirit.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The description says, ‘Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now you can get into the act with this Guaca Bowle. Jeb’s secret guacamole recipe not included yet.’ His secret recipe for guacamole is an avocado and a spoon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio is selling an unusual shirt. It says ‘Marco Ru(bae)o.’ For the one Marco Rubio supporter who knows what the word ‘bae’ means. I wonder if they sold any.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John Kasich’s store, not a single item in his store has his face on it, mostly because nobody remembers what he looked like.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rand Paul has been gone for quite a while, but his campaign store is still open, which means there’s still time to get a pair of Rand Paul freedom socks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Democrats aren’t doing so great in the merchandise department either. Hillary Clinton gets the ‘Mom’s trying too hard to be cool in front of her daughter’s friends’ award for the ‘Yaaas Hillary’ shirt.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Finally, this is not something that Bernie Sanders is celebrating on his official page, but I think he should. This is for sale, the Bernie Sanders ceramic pipe — ‘for tobacco only’. Those Bernie Sanders supporters love their tobacco. It’s the perfect way to say ‘I support my favorite candidate, then forgot to vote for him.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday during a rally in Michigan, Sen. Sanders dropped a bombshell about burning down. He only smoked twice. I don’t think this admission is on brand for Bernie.” – Seth Meyers

“Senator, do you know who your supporters are? I will tell you this much, they’ve smoked marijuana twice … since I started this sentence.” – Seth Meyers

“I for one am shocked by Bernie’s admission. He recorded a reggae cover of a socialist anthem and expects us to believe he only smoked pot twice? Was one of those times ‘for 10 years,’ Senator?” – Seth Meyers

“Of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression. And you know who could use a prescription? Every voter in America, because this campaign season has been brutal.” – Seth Meyers

“One of the things revealed in Hillary Clinton’s emails is that she doesn’t know how to charge an iPad. Today, Bill Clinton said, ‘That’s funny, she’s REALLY good at checking an iPad’s browser history.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday night was the series finale of ‘Downton Abbey’. But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Trump Supporters are Racist

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Well, duh. But now we have proof. And I’m reporting it because it is ironic proof.

As everyone should know, in a primary you are not voting for a candidate, you’re voting for delegates (picked by the candidate’s campaign, and pledged to vote for the candidate) who go to the convention and actually vote for a candidate (at least on the first ballot).

So in Illinois last week when Trump supporters were voting for delegates, something strange happened. Usually, a Trump supporter would vote for all of Trump’s delegates, but in 12 cases there was a differential where some delegates got significantly more votes than other delegates, even though they would all be pledged to vote for Trump. And in a majority of cases, the delegate who got fewer votes had a foreign-sounding name. This pattern was unique to Trump supporters.

In fact, in three cases the differential was so high that Trump did not win delegates. Raja Sadiq got 25% fewer votes than Doug Hartmann in the same district, and thus did not get picked as a delegate. Likewise, Nabi Fakroddin and Jim Uribe got 14% and 11% fewer votes, and were not picked.

Even though people were voting for Trump’s delegates, they refused to vote for a delegate with a (sometimes vaguely) middle eastern sounding name. This cost Trump three delegates (out of 69 total in Illinois).

So if Trump somehow falls three delegates short of reaching the magic number of 1,237 delegates at the Republican convention and consequently does not win the nomination on the first ballot, it will be the fault of his racist supporters. Karma.

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