Political Irony

“After weeks of back and forth, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have finally agreed to hold a debate in Brooklyn next Thursday. You know you’re in New York when you have to argue over the date of when you’re going to argue.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Next Thursday’s debate will be at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Bernie says he chose the location because of its history, while Hillary liked it because it’s remote, poorly lit, and close to the East River.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional ‘health problems’. Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a ‘health problem’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign ‘boring as hell’. Though if he gets elected, I suppose ‘boring’ is the best version of hell we can hope for.” – Seth Meyers

“At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush.” – Seth Meyers

“In an attempt to win over Wisconsin, Ted Cruz said, ‘To be honest, I like cheese on cheese.’ Of course when he was campaigning in Florida he said, ‘I like meth on meth.'” – Conan O’Brien

“More than 11.5 million documents called the ‘Panama Papers’ just leaked, and they link Vladimir Putin to $2 billion held in secret offshore accounts. If confirmed, it could be the LEAST bad thing Putin’s ever done.” – Jimmy Fallon

[This was written by reader Stephen Statler, who asked me to post it. Yeah, we are all suffering from Trump burnout, but this is pretty funny. Reading this, I could just imagine Trump saying these things. –iron]

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: GETTYSBURG ADDRESS
Some time ago, I’m not sure how long, and frankly it doesn’t matter, our forefathers brought forth a new nation. Right here, right where we’re standing. Not in Mexico. Not in China. This nation was conceived in liberty. And it was dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. There’s nothing about women. I personally would have included women in that, because I love women and they love me. And, by the way, no one is a bigger fan of women than me. But that’s what it says — all men. But this nation right now, I’m sorry to say, is in the toilet. I’m sorry, but it’s true. We have to start winning. We’ve been losing for years. Losing to China, losing to Isis, losing to Mexico. China is devaluing their currency to a level you wouldn’t believe. Winning is the only way to make sure that a government of the people, by the people, for the people, never perishes from the earth.

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I HAVE A DREAM
I have a dream. Honestly, it’s an amazing dream. It’s probably the best dream ever dreamt by anyone. In my dream, freedom rings from the top of my tower, which is the biggest tower. The biggest. And there’s a bell. The biggest bell you’ve ever seen. Mexico pays for that bell. In my dream, the bell rings and suddenly every single child in America is not judged by their color. Why? Because they’re all white. Seriously. What’s wrong with white? It’s a simple color. It’s not even a color. It’s all the colors together. Like Benetton. I had a lot of good friends at Benetton. It went belly up. Those guys were wrecked, they were devastated. Why? Because they were trying to be politically correct. It didn’t work. They wanted to make everybody and everything “free at last.” It never works. I’m sorry. Nothing’s free. I wish it were but it’s not.

JOHN KENNEDY: INAUGURAL ADDRESS
Vice President Rubio, Mr. Speaker, Chief Justice Obama. Thank you all very much. All I can say is, you made the right choice. Without a doubt. I’ll be the best president ever. Honestly, in the history of presidents, I’ll be the best. I’m doing it already. This is the best acceptance speech, the best inauguration. Why? Because there’s millions of people here. And I’m keeping it short. All those senators like Ted do in Washington is give each other speeches. I’m sorry, but it’s true. But I’m not going to do that. I’m only going to ask one thing from you. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me. Seriously, this country doesn’t owe you anything. It used to be the greatest country in the world. Now it’s a toilet bowl, and we’re going down the drain begging our country to save us. “Save me, save me!” Don’t ask what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for me. I mean it. What can you do for me? I’m the President. I’ve made thousands of deals. I know everybody. Who are you? You’re just some schlub going down the drain crying “Save me, save me!” Why should I listen to you? It doesn’t make sense.

PATRICK HENRY: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
What good is life if I have to live it in chains? Seriously, what kind of life is that? But the donors keep begging me. All those special interests. They’re begging: “Please, please, take our money!” But their money is made of chains. They want my liberty for their money. But I say give me liberty or, frankly, give me death. I’m serious. I’d take death over chains in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. America’s in chains now. Every single one of us is in chains, and the chains are made by China. And we keep buying them. I buy them, too, they’re so cheap. But our chains have a little tag on them that says “Made in China.”

FDR: NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF
People tell me the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Decent people. But they’re wrong. We have a lot to fear. Like Mexicans. I love the Mexicans, they’re wonderful people. And they love me. But they’re rapists and murderers. So we need to build a wall to keep them out. A big wall. Fifty feet high. A hundred feet. And we’ll make them pay for it. Also China needs a wall to keep them in. Don’t get me wrong. I love China. Chinese people are the hardest working people. Wonderful people, with their families and their bowing and their “ching chong choo.” Nobody speaks faster. They get a lot done. But we’ve got to keep them behind a wall because they’re killing us. So we’ll build a wall, a Great Wall. And I’ll make them pay for it.

NATHAN HALE: ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY COUNTRY
Honestly, my only regret is that I have just one life to give for my country. I wish I had more. Frankly, we need a lot more of me. Can you imagine 20, 50, 100 Donald Trumps? What couldn’t we do? A nation full of me, standing up to China? Standing up to Mexico? We’d win. I’m telling you right now, we’d win everything. But there’s only one me. However, it’s a big one, let me tell you. Big in all departments. Megyn Kelly knows what I mean. The truth is, the world couldn’t contain a hundred Donald Trumps. It’d explode. I’d have to negotiate with Donald Trump. And let me tell you he’d win. I’d be a winner and a loser at the same time. A paradox. The time-space continuum would explode. Ted’s wife would suddenly be hot, Jeb Bush would grow a pair. So I have only one life to give for my country, and I regret that, I honestly do. But let’s make the most of me. Let’s make Donald Trump the man every child in America aspires to be, the man with his finger on the button, the man with the nuclear launch codes. Let’s make Donald Trump the most powerful man in the world. Let’s make Donald Trump President and let’s make America great again!

“It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to the State Department, virtually every foreign leader who meets with Secretary of State John Kerry has expressed concern about the Republican presidential primary election. There’s no need to be concerned. It’s silly. Once President Trump builds a wall around your country, you’ll never see us again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, ‘On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, ‘All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.’ Trump then added, ‘I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!'” – Seth Meyers

“There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives.” – Conan O’Brien

“Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was ‘anointed’ by God to become president. To which God replied, ‘No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.'” – Seth Meyers

“John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama’s historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn’t want any presents from the U.S. — which, as any husband will tell you, means they definitely want presents.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, ‘The Hillary Clinton’.” – Jimmy Fallon